Kage111 Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 So I'm a week of NC now... No wait, I'm not. Farthest I can get is 1 day. It would be a week, but after 1 day of NC, my ex will text or call or IM me with something along the lines of "Haven't seen you in a while, what are you up to?" I don't wanna be a jerk, so I always answer, but am I helping her get over me by doing so? Or does she still have feelings for me? She even came by to drop off a Christmas present. I told her to leave it by the door, but she insisted on seeing me, and then hugged me before she left. I thought of blocking her, but the reason she left me is that I was "too immature" for her, and I feel like doing that would show her that I am not mature enough to handle this. Idk, I just needed to vent.
Dmoney28 Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 hey, im have been in that same boat....for 4 months now!!!! NFC, she intitated all contact. But i broke NC after 4 days . Was kinda tricked...she called from a diffrent phone number. I had a txt from her at 1:00am as well, over something silly and mundane. She still cares about you. She still wants you to be in her life. How long have you guys been together?
Author Kage111 Posted December 25, 2008 Author Posted December 25, 2008 We were together for 4 years. She ended it over a month ago.
Dmoney28 Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 oh yeah, 4 years takes a LOOOONGG time to get over. She is most defintly still hung up on you. That amount of time takes at least a year to get over, depending on the person. She dosent want to get back with you....yet she dosent want you totally out of her life, she's really indescive. Im in the same situation.
Island Girl Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 No wait, I'm not. Farthest I can get is 1 day. Going NC means you don't answer the phone, texts, IMs, etc. At All. You have NC. That doesn't mean she won't try to contact you. I can tell you if she broke up with you and she still can getcha when she wants ya then she is losing respect for you as a partner. Possibly she will put you in the "friend" category and keep you there. Is that what you want though? NC is to help you. It has nothing to do with her. If she still has romantic feelings toward you than it will help her see what she is missing without you in her life. How can you miss someone who is still there? And you are. Every time she wants you to be. If she doesn't care anymore, really doesn't, then what are you letting go of by having absolutely NC except healing and moving on toward a new relationship. Or do you want to be BFF?
Author Kage111 Posted December 25, 2008 Author Posted December 25, 2008 Or do you want to be BFF? I definitely don't want that... at least not right now. I guess I'm just really weak. Every time she messages me, I WANT to answer. But next time she messages me, I'll try my hardest not to respond. I remember, I attempted not responding a while back, and she eventually called my friend and got him to talk to me, so I gave in. I just need to be stronger. I don't want to fall into the friend zone...
Island Girl Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 I definitely don't want that... at least not right now. I guess I'm just really weak. Every time she messages me, I WANT to answer. But next time she messages me, I'll try my hardest not to respond. I remember, I attempted not responding a while back, and she eventually called my friend and got him to talk to me, so I gave in. I just need to be stronger. I don't want to fall into the friend zone... Then you're right. You absolutely need to stick to your guns and show her what a strong man you can be. STRONG. A man who is not a pushover, doormat, or anything else of the kind. She broke it off. She may not be romantically emotional toward you anymore - I don't know. I would hope that you haven't bent over backwards for her always in all ways the entire four years. That would be bad. But if you had a balanced relationship before this, well then it may bring her to her senses and let her see you in that light again. The best thing you can do is realize - as long as you don't want a best friend - NC is what is best for you regardless. The time for worrying about her and her feelings is over. She isn't your girlfriend anymore. Don't be the one she runs to for emotional support, comfort, or anything else. That is what she gets from you when she is your girlfriend. When she broke up with you that became nothing. So now she gets what she wanted - nothing.
Gere51 Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 I went through the same thing this past summer and still can't make sense of it. My ex broke it off with me the day after Memorial Day, yet still continued to contact me now and then as if I were her best friend. She would call and tell me exciting things in her life, or text to see how things were going. I put up with this for about six weeks before I went NC and she finally got the message. I think one has to get the point across that you're not going to settle for leftovers.
zilverenvlinder Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 Next time she texts you, if you feel like you're going to respond, hurry up, get on the computer and post it on LS, so we can all reply and make fun of her messages.
Island Girl Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 Next time she texts you, if you feel like you're going to respond, hurry up, get on the computer and post it on LS, so we can all reply and make fun of her messages. GREAT IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!
EmperorR Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 GO cold nc, don't reply to texts, ims anything. Soon if there smart enough they will get the point.
Author Kage111 Posted December 26, 2008 Author Posted December 26, 2008 I'm sorry, I've let you all down :-( I fell for it again. But I hope I got the message across finally... Here it is: Her: Hey Me: What Her: Nevermind if you're just gonna answer what Me: Fine Her: Meanie, I just wanted to know what's up And then this is what I said, Me: Why do you message me if you have nothing important to say, I don't do that to you. Please don't talk to me unless you really need to. You're making this harder than it should be. Then I put up my away message. Did I handle this well? Or have I given her too much power now? I was upset and I was reading other posts at the time.
Dmoney28 Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 just curious, how old are you guys? and how long have you been seperated? i apologize if you posted that already
Author Kage111 Posted December 27, 2008 Author Posted December 27, 2008 I'm 20, and we were together for 4 years. I know I'm young, but 4 years is a large portion of my life.
Island Girl Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 I'm sorry, I've let you all down :-( I fell for it again. But I hope I got the message across finally... Here it is: Her: Hey Me: What Her: Nevermind if you're just gonna answer what Me: Fine Her: Meanie, I just wanted to know what's up And then this is what I said, Me: Why do you message me if you have nothing important to say, I don't do that to you. Please don't talk to me unless you really need to. You're making this harder than it should be. Then I put up my away message. Did I handle this well? Or have I given her too much power now? I was upset and I was reading other posts at the time. To me -- you gave her too much power with the bolded statement. When she said "meanie, I just want to know what's up." You could have ignored her completely - but then she probably would push waaay more for contact because that is so out of character for you. (Keep in mind going NC that IS what she is going to do). You absolutely MUST go NC. Because you are still open to her with your feelings and you just can't be. It keeps the pain going on your side and gives her all the power to get the reassurance that you are still there for her while she gets to have whatever else going on at the same time. Please do not torture yourself by keeping up this stupid contact of hers. "Just wanted to see what is up" -- translation: I just wanted to see if you are still there for me if I need you and make sure you aren't moving on (because although I don't want you - I don't want you to find someone else just in case I made a mistake...). Don't you deserve better than that? Don't you deserve someone who values you and wants to be with you who isn't thinking the grass may be greener with someone else? I implore you to no longer be a doormat for her. She wanted to be broken up. Let her feel what it is like to NOT have access to you. And it doesn't matter WHAT is going on in her life. You are not IN her life anymore. Whatever happens (emergency or not) she has to figure out without you. Perhaps she will find you were the only one she really could depend on. Perhaps THEN she will realize she needs you in her life. (IF this happens DO NOT immediately get back together either. She must earn you back. Remember people value what they have to WORK for and things that are free become easily disposed of.) OR she may not. She may move on to someone new. My guess is she is doing that right now. She is in search of someone else. So WHY would you be wasting any amount of time or effort on someone who takes you down from the shelf when you are usefull to her and then puts you back up there while she does whatever it is she wants. You are similar to a toy right now. It is obvious she disregards your feelings. She KNOWS it hurt you when she broke up with you. She KNOWS it has to be painful for you when there is contact. Yet she does it anyway because of what she wants or needs. Please do not hurt yourself more and more by continuing contact. And keep in mind that IF there is anything to salvage you are killing that each time there IS contact like this. It is hard to respect someone who allows you to use them isn't it? And she uses contact with you to feel better -- that you are still there for her -- still caring. What do you get out of it but a sick stomach and heartache?
Island Girl Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 And by the way -- you didn't let us down. It is difficult for you because your feelings are involved. Just try not to listen to them -- do not act on impulse. It doesn't matter what she says -- or how the contact is happening -- just make a pledge to your self that you will ignore it and love yourself enough to keep your promises. Don't allow this to beat you up anymore.
Author Kage111 Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 Over 2 days now. 2 days and we haven't said a word... And I just want to die... I've been trying to keep busy, but its hard during the holidays, all my friends are busy, plus its been storming like crazy... Been watching my LOST DVDs. That always cheers me up, but whenever I go to my computer I see her online with a message up saying "I'm bored!" or "I want to go do something" and I'm so tempted to just invite her to a movie or go get lunch... It's so hard. My friends said to get a hobby, so I'm learning guitar, but I can only do that for so long... Love really is a drug and the withdrawal hurts...
Island Girl Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 whenever I go to my computer I see her online with a message up saying "I'm bored!" or "I want to go do something" and I'm so tempted to just invite her to a movie or go get lunch... You need to block her or whatever so you do NOT see her online Do not go to her Facebook or MySpace profile (if she has one) If you have her programmed in your cell -- change the name to "Do NOT answer!" or "User" - whatever is going to remind you that you aren't supposed to answer the phone. This is part of the NC too. It allows you to heal. I can not stress this enough. no matter how curious you are about what she is up to -- do not look and if you have friends in common do not allow them to "update" you with ANY news about her. VERY quickly change the subject and move on. They should get the hint. If they don't spell it out for them. This is what you need. It is not about her.
Angel1111 Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I'm not a big fan of NC but if you choose to do it, you don't need the other person's permission. Just do it.
GoneButNotForgotten Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 My personal favorite is to delete the number and then not answer any and I mean ANY call that is not already programmed into my phone. I don't have a home phone so that makes it a bit easier. If it is important, people will leave a message. Otherwise it obviously was not important enough. But deleting her facebook and myspace and any other junk is a big part of it too. Depending on how much you use IM (I used to use it a lot but not so much anymore) you can have a friend change the password to it for a few days without telling you. For me a week or two and I tend to find the strength that I need in order to continue NC. That doesn't mean that you heal that fast. It just means that by that point you don't see them as the all shining angel that can do no wrong. It gives you time to find the things that were not right. Another recommended method is to find someone that everytime you want to contact your ex you call them instead. For me it actually turned out to be one of my sisters friends. She just seemed content to listen and talk me through stuff. (that and I can't pour my heart out to my guy friends) They will listen, but don't really want to hear the mushy crap.
Riffmeister General Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 That doesn't mean that you heal that fast. It just means that by that point you don't see them as the all shining angel that can do no wrong. It gives you time to find the things that were not right. Another recommended method is to find someone that everytime you want to contact your ex you call them instead. For me it actually turned out to be one of my sisters friends. She just seemed content to listen and talk me through stuff. (that and I can't pour my heart out to my guy friends) They will listen, but don't really want to hear the mushy crap. On the first point - yeah, totally agree, that's what I'm going through now, realising I wasn't going out with the imaginary girl I have in my head who was perfect. On the second point about when you need to contact them, contact someone else instead, I think I've been doing that all day today with all sorts of people, and I feel so much better already. Great tip!
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