ohhmyandrea Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 Question: We ended our relationship. I kissed another guy. My ex got irate and is now using the sympathy card. I did nothing wrong but he's still making me feel guilty. How do I handle this? Thats the short story. Here's the long story. Boy, can I make things difficult. My ex fiance/ex boyfriend and I ended our relationship just recently. We'd been together for half a year. We were long distance for about 3 of those months but still were pretty close. At the beginning of November I moved to Birmingham, Al to be closer to him, where he went to University. Before the move, I had an inkling things were going awry. But once he proposed to be in October, I assumed things would be alright. Wrong. I accepted his proposal and was very excited, which I suppose was me being led blindly by every girls dream to get married. Well, the weeks after I moved into my own apartment, which I regretfully share with his bestfriend, it was kind of rocky. Afterall, he's a college student with completely different priorities than me, I work full time to support myself. Weekends were party days and he showed little respect for the fact that I had responsibilities and couldn't be held up by parties that went on til dawn. We fought over his ability to balance time with me, time with school and time with his friends. Also over the irresponsible things he did like getting my car towed and then leaving the solution to that problem up to me. We got along great before he went off to school. I just thought we were having trouble adjusting from long distance to being together. About a month after I moved in, my boyfriend told me that he had cheated on me a month after he'd gotten to University, I stupidly told myself I'd stay and that we could work through it.. I think I knew that things weren't going to be the same, having been cheated on in every serious relationship before. After I got that news I decided it'd be better if I had my own life to fall back on if things failed. Soon after I found out I started making my own friends and settling into my own life in this new city. One night I brought one of my friends from work to a get together at my house. Just the mere fact that he was a male pissed off everybody. This guy and I began talking, strictly as friends. He was fresh out of a relationship and I was in a struggling one. We'd talk all of the time about things going on in our lives. Hang out when my boyfriend was doing his thing and just got along great. My boyfriend started to get jealous and suspected things. At first it irritated me that he fought for his time with his friends and then expected me to not have any. I managed to convince him that our friendship wasn't a threat. Just that I wanted to have a friend. About a week after all of the fighting subsided he and I sat down to talk. His parents, who control all of his life because they fund his classes, insurance, everthing, told him if he didnt come home as soon as the semester ended that they would cut him off. He was going to stay a little longer because we were from the same hometown and we were going to drive home for Christmas together. He had a big decision to make and came to the conclusion that I didnt support him or want what was best for him because I told him to talk to his parents and try to get them to understand why he wasnt running home as soon as class ended. He broke up with me throwing in nonsense about him not wanting to be with a server for the rest of his life. [i serve at a restaurant now because Im saving up for school and also paying rent etc.] and that I needed someone to devote all of their attention to me and he needed someone who supported him. I was upset, I moved states away to be with him because I supported him. His school, our relationship and the life we'd talked about starting. He threw it in my face and said I wasnt good enough. My friend from work and I talked for hours about it. He instantly made me feel better and has been very understanding about the entire situation. I'm going to be honest, once I saw how my boyfriend acted about me having a friend, I started to consider my friend from work. He was charming, sweet, down to earth, more stable, funny, mature and very assertive about what he wanted out of his future. Things my boyfriend lacked because hes young. He of course would like to be crazy and free.. Well, we broke up and I began to shrug it off. Now being without a ride, my friend offered to drive me from Alabama to Florida for Christmas. It was an incredibly sweet gesture. Somewhere in between the time my boyfriend and I broke up and about.. a week ago my friend and I kissed. My ex and I still talked and got back together, I was very hesitant and said yes ultimately. He ended up asking if Id kissed my friend and I told him. I was not going to keep secrets from him like he had me. He got pissed, flew off the handle broke up with me again and left for Florida the next day. My friend and I spent the next week and a half hanging out everyday talking about the situation and sometimes blowing off the idea all together and just having fun. We drove down to Florida yesterday and spent all together about 45 hours together. We talked about everything. and I mean everything. Im not a negative person, I try to see the good in every situation I go through. I believe I may have moved to Birmingham to meet this guy. We click great. I really dont believe its just a rebound thing seen as Im the one who is getting over this quicker. I believe I was over us when I had to convince my boyfriend to talk to me while we were seperated. I was just trying to make it work.. My ex is now extremely jealous and trying to make me feel guilty for getting over us. I really did nothing wrong, I kissed my friend after he'd already broken up with me.. Now knowing the situation, how would you handle this? Im not all for blowing off the guy who was the biggest part of my life for a while but I can't handle the guilt trips.
lkjh Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 Sounds like you are trying to play the victim card when you dont have that right. First off if he cheated on you, you should have dumped him. Since you took him back you needed to let go of that. You did do a bunch of things wrong. For starters you were cheating on him. Even if it was only emotional. This guy is not just a "friend", even if you call him that. You were investing your emotions into another guy and that can definetly make you feel less for your bf. Im willing to bet if we asked your bf he would have a different story. I doubt you were 100% supportive like you claim. Everyone wasn't mad that you had a guy "friend", they were mad because you were hanging out with a guy that you like. If you are feeling guilt then there is a reason for it. It is really disrespectful to have friends of the opposite sex that you are intrested in.
Goatsbreath Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 i agree with ikjh, call your guy friend what it is. If you wanted someone to talk to about your relatinship a good start would of been with your boyfriend.
Author ohhmyandrea Posted December 25, 2008 Author Posted December 25, 2008 I tried talking to him from the moment the problems started. I've always been the first to want to repair our relationship. The minute I stop, he gets to play the sympathy card? I gave up on our relationship and dont intend on trying to fix it. Hes just trying to make me feel guilty.
DSM-IV Tom Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 Rest easy everyone, DSM is here to knock some sense into this one. Lmao jk. Not really. You are not the victim. You chose to subject yourself to this by remaining with the idiot after he cheated on you. You should've left him. You were no longer a victim once you chose to remain with him. (My sympathies DO go out to you for being cheated on in two diff relationships though. I hate 99% of guys for this bs. Not that girls are much more sane though). You should feel guilt for what you've done, however, and now I assume you'll talk to this "guy friend" again (this time about how people on this site told you what was REALLY up) and he'll tell you what he knows you want to hear, in order to make you feel better again. Sounds like you've got a good tool. I mean guy friend. Face your own mistakes and learn from them. You SHOULD feel guilt. Rest assured though your ex is an IDIOT too. He needs more help than you, DEFINITELY hes a low life, but you are not innocent either.
lkjh Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 DSM, I agree with you mostly but I would not call the bf a low life because all we have to off is her story. She didn't go into detail about how he cheated and why she keeps her "friend" around Ohhmyandrea, Please separate from both of these guys and mature a little before getting into a relationship. I have a feeling this "friend" showed his intentions originally but you chose to overlook them because you enjoyed the attention.
DSM-IV Tom Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 Good point Ikjh. You speak the truth. She may not be giving us the details. How did I make that mistake? Ah.. alas, I am too trusting. Thanks for the lookout Ikjh. I'll be sure to watch your back.
Author ohhmyandrea Posted December 25, 2008 Author Posted December 25, 2008 DSM, I agree with you mostly but I would not call the bf a low life because all we have to off is her story. She didn't go into detail about how he cheated and why she keeps her "friend" around Ohhmyandrea, Please separate from both of these guys and mature a little before getting into a relationship. I have a feeling this "friend" showed his intentions originally but you chose to overlook them because you enjoyed the attention. He got drunk. Went back to campus, took a girl to his dorm room with every intention of having sex with her. His words, not mine.. but couldn't; it sounds like I'm trying to insult him but I can't think of a more pleasant way to say it, get it up. Then didn't talk to me for a week, no calls or texts other than one to tell me he was thinking about our relationship and wasn't sure of what to do. No break, break up or anything. Mind you, I had no idea he'd cheated on me at this point. And I keep him around because I moved to a foreign city for this guy and left all of my friends, I needed a new one. When we hung out it was under the agreement that we were just friends. As for my friend and his intentions I would say that they were that he needed a friend. He'd been with his ex for two years and simply had mutual friends. He also wanted someone to talk to that wasnt automatically on his ex's side..
lkjh Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 No offense but either you are really stupid or really full of it; if you believe the two of you were just friends. Ya sure he never planned anything with you; he just wanted to be friends but then the two of you hooked up.
Author ohhmyandrea Posted December 25, 2008 Author Posted December 25, 2008 There's really no reason to get all hostile. Im neither stupid or full of it. I have plenty of guy friends who have things for me. I ignore them. None of you are answering the actual question I asked. I'm trying to be understanding of the fact that my ex is hurt by finding out that I kissed him. I don't want to be back with my ex, I just don't like ending things on immature sour notes.
lkjh Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 Im not being hostile Im being honest. To answer your question your ex is hurt because your friendship with this guy both caused problems in your relationship and disrespected him. You said it yourself that most of your friends pretty much thought your relationship with the guy was inappropriate. Now it turns out he was right all along because the two of you hooked up. Most likely you accused your bf of being controlling and jealous. You probably told him it was all in his head. Now it turns out it wasnt. You probably even used the ole bs line "hes just a friend". Who knows maybe you really didn't realize this guy had other intentions but either way you did do something wrong. Im not saying your bf was all great but if you chose to stay with him, then you have to abide by the rules.
Author ohhmyandrea Posted December 25, 2008 Author Posted December 25, 2008 It appeared to his friends that he and I weren't just friends, like I said I didnt have any friends up there because I'd just moved in. And as for abiding by the rules, I did. I was very respectful of his feelings and didnt hang out with my friend as much because it upset him. And now that we're broken up there are no rules to abide by. Once again, how to do I handle him constantly trying to guilt me? Thats my problem. We're through. There are no rules. Im just trying to keep us on good terms.
lkjh Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 First off, no you did not abide by the rules. having a emotional bf on the side is not one of the rules. Second let him no its over and then the two of you can just stay away from each other. When something like this happens you dont stay on good terms. Sorry
You'reasian Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 your ex is hurt because your friendship with this guy both caused problems in your relationship and disrespected him. You said it yourself that most of your friends pretty much thought your relationship with the guy was inappropriate. Now it turns out he was right all along because the two of you hooked up. I've seen things like this happen way too often. Most likely you accused your bf of being controlling and jealous. You probably told him it was all in his head. Now it turns out it wasnt. . Textbook response in this scenario... To the OP, you were clearly in the wrong. As far as what's happening now that the two of you are no longer involved, the both of you should go NC. Decide to cut off all contact. Period. He can no longer guilt trip you. You can go off and decide what exactly you want to do.
Author ohhmyandrea Posted December 25, 2008 Author Posted December 25, 2008 Decide to cut off all contact. Period. He can no longer guilt trip you. You can go off and decide what exactly you want to do. Thank you. Sounds most reasonable. It will probably work for a while. Until he comes back to school. I live in the same apartment as his bestfriend. Our other roommate, the girl whose name is on the lease says she wants me to stay over him being comfortable. That its my apartment too and if he doesnt like it then he has a dorm on campus. What do I do about staying NC if he's going to be at the apartment from time to time and eventually run into my friend and I...
You'reasian Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 What do I do about staying NC if he's going to be at the apartment from time to time and eventually run into my friend and I... You're going to create friction by doing this and it could cause things to spin further out of control. Be reasonable. Make it a point to meet your friend at another place if possible for the next month until he seems more at ease.
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