TeaAbraham Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 So it's' been 34 days nc, and I am going to her place to drop her stuff off because I know she is out of state for the holidays. I know that if I want to say something to her this is my chance. If I want her to know how much pain she's caused me (or how much pain he's caused me), this is my chance. So here's what I was planning on doing: Once we went on a wilderness trip for about three weeks but we were in two separate groups. She wrote me a letter almost every night. She gave them to me, and I kept them in my sleeping bag pocket so I could always read them if she was not with me. I just found them today and read them. It was the first time I've broken out in tears in those 34 days NC. I copied all of these letters and put them in an envelope with all of the stuff I have to give her: "The more I get to know my groupmates, the more I realize how perfect we (you and me) are for eachother, and how there is no one in this world quite like you, as wonderful as you...there is a sad hollowness inside me that is your absence. I want to share this with you. You are such a big warm part of me." "I miss you so much my love. I am going crazy wihtout you. I cannot wait to see your beautiful face..." "I want to be strong for you. I am trying so hard. I want to make it back to you. I want to see you again. I am going to be strong and make it back to you. I need you so much. I love you so much. I love you. I hope that you are doing well. I am sure that you are becausae you are very strong. Please don't forget me. I like to thikn that you miss me too. I will make it back to you, I promise. Pinky Promise. I will make it back to hold and kiss you again. I need it so much. Please be well. I love you baby." "I will keep trying to be strong for you. I will make it back to you. I love you so much. I cannot wait to see your beautiful face and feel your perfect body. I miss you so much. Please be well. You are so strong. Love, xxxx" It goes on and on. They also say how bad she was feeling and how hard and scary it was for her. I love the person who wrote those letters. I love her so much... I can't stand it. I included one thing I wrote during that trip: "I am a very frightened person. I become scared by many things... Most of all I was scared of my girlfriend having changed. This frightened me so much... What I was truly worried about was meeting a completely different person in [name]. This fear was very ill founded especially knowing I have not changed at all in my core." She was the exact same person I loved more than life. And now she's gone. Am I sending the wrong message by giving her these? I am not trying to get her back. She is out of my life forever. I just want her to maybe feel something. Feel bad in the least. But I know I'm not thinking too well right now. Somebody tell me I should just dorp the stuff off and leave it at that. I am leaving in 10 or so minutes. Please give me your thoughts. Edit*** I wanted to say "I hate you so much" too. Just so she knows I am not trying to get her back.
EmperorR Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 knowing women her curiosity will probably lead to her reading them again, I don't know what to say, just say what's on your mind, you owe her nothing anymore.
Author TeaAbraham Posted December 24, 2008 Author Posted December 24, 2008 I don't know either =-\ She's dead to me. I hate bringing dead people back their stuff and writing them letters. I feel like a crazy person. She is dead but in her passing I feel anger and not love. If she had really died and none of this had happened I would feel so much worse. Infinitely so. I am glad she is still alive, even though she doesn't love me and she's hurt me. I can't pretend she doesn't exist. I don't know what I want. I wish she had never done this. I wish I wish I wish.... Hate and love mix so seamlessly. Again.. Why did you do this to me? Why do I love you again?
Surfer Dude Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 I once told my ex about all the nice things she wrote in letters and emails, I also sent her an email with all the promises she made... she just said "I don't mind you reading those old letters, but you don't have to tell me about them. It's in the past, they mean nothing" I guess when someone tells you they love you, it means something only in the present moment, it could become meaningless the following one. And btw, you love her because love just doesn't disappear. You loved her deeply and with your heart, that's why you can't just push an "off button" to turn off your feelings, you're a human being. These cheaters who just stop loving you in a few days and pretend you're some stranger, they were never really in love, that's why they can do those things. But if you loved someone deeply, you can never forget them, they always stay in your heart. It can manifest either as love or as hate (hate is basically rejected and unreturned love). But it's the same thing.
gd26 Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 Honestly dude... just return her stuff, but leave off the old letters. Throw them away. There isn't a point. Your whole purpose is just to make her feel bad, nothing more. Those letters are merely to be intended as a guilt trip, and have no value. Be the bigger person and stop trying to rub things in... it won't get you anything.
gd26 Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 You can just be friendly while distant and return her things politely (if you will be seeing her in person, I wasn't sure). No need for any long drawn out conversations, no hostility, no guilt tripping. Just return her things, and move on....
alwayssme Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 Awww TeaAbraham... This post made me emotional...lol...you know when you read stuff like that, you wonder how could that person ever change and not care anymore? no wonder we came out so hurt. A couple of weeks ago (stupid idea) but I opened my cards, letters and pictures from my ex....I hadn't cried like that in awhile...I was like wow i love this man so much, God how I miss him. It's heartbreaking how their love changed but we're some pretty strong people.This isn't something easy to go through...Each and everyday we're getting better. Let us know how it goes! Good luck
Author TeaAbraham Posted December 25, 2008 Author Posted December 25, 2008 You are very right g. There is really no point save malice. It is too bad that, at least in thoght I am her equal in wrong doing. Which means I can understand how she did what she did. And if I have such thoughts how can I be upset at her? I even put the envelope with her stuff on the porch. I will have to go back to get it. That is one thing I didn't like about her. She was always so vengeful. Now I see that under pressure I am no different. How can I feel so much pain and anger if I too prove to hold those exact same hurtful attributes? Thanks for the kind words surfer. Does me a lot of good. I just wish I were over her like I thought I was.
EmperorR Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 I once told my ex about all the nice things she wrote in letters and emails, I also sent her an email with all the promises she made... she just said "I don't mind you reading those old letters, but you don't have to tell me about them. It's in the past, they mean nothing" I guess when someone tells you they love you, it means something only in the present moment, it could become meaningless the following one. And btw, you love her because love just doesn't disappear. You loved her deeply and with your heart, that's why you can't just push an "off button" to turn off your feelings, you're a human being. These cheaters who just stop loving you in a few days and pretend you're some stranger, they were never really in love, that's why they can do those things. But if you loved someone deeply, you can never forget them, they always stay in your heart. It can manifest either as love or as hate (hate is basically rejected and unreturned love). But it's the same thing. i swear your ex is my ex, because mine said the same thing, how I sent her the poems I wrote her, and the crap she wrote on napkins etc. for me and she told me it's in teh past its nothing now
Author TeaAbraham Posted December 25, 2008 Author Posted December 25, 2008 Awww TeaAbraham... This post made me emotional...lol...you know when you read stuff like that, you wonder how could that person ever change and not care anymore? no wonder we came out so hurt. A couple of weeks ago (stupid idea) but I opened my cards, letters and pictures from my ex....I hadn't cried like that in awhile...I was like wow i love this man so much, God how I miss him. It's heartbreaking how their love changed but we're some pretty strong people.This isn't something easy to go through...Each and everyday we're getting better. Let us know how it goes! Good luck Yea, going through those old letters/cards is pretty intense. The good cry always makes you feel good though. I love looking at them and knowing someone loved me that much at some point and time. On the other hand it hurts so much to know that she doesn't love me like that anymore =-/ It's definitely not good for me to see them right now. I don't know what to do with them in the situation! Pretty strong people indeed. Sometimes it hurts so much that you just want to take those easy roads out of feeling bad. Like me wanting to give her those letters. Nothing can really come of it, but for just two seconds it makes me feel better. Man this is especially painful granted the reason she contacted her ex in the first place was because I was making her feel extremely sad. Not intentionally of course, but incidentally. I can see why she took that road that ended up hurting me so much if it meant not feeling that pain anymore. god damn I hate her. i swear your ex is my ex, because mine said the same thing, how I sent her the poems I wrote her, and the crap she wrote on napkins etc. for me and she told me it's in teh past its nothing now Oh man that hurts so much. My ex said something very similar when I would bring up promises we made. She would say it so emotionless too. Simply not caring. A few weeks earlier we were wrestling and kissing madly and crying in each other's arms. And then she gives me a blank face. I meant nothing to her then. Not once hubby's plane landed. And she drove home to see him with a big ole grin and butterflies in her stomach I am sure. what a b*tch.
alwayssme Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 I read your other posts and did she cheat on you with your best friend? I'm sorry to hear that. Sometimes I wish my ex would ahve cheated so I could hate him. Maybe that sounds weird but......i dunno...So did you give her the letters or you decided to keep them?
northstar1 Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 So it's' been 34 days nc, and I am going to her place to drop her stuff off because I know she is out of state for the holidays. I know that if I want to say something to her this is my chance. If I want her to know how much pain she's caused me (or how much pain he's caused me), this is my chance. So here's what I was planning on doing: Once we went on a wilderness trip for about three weeks but we were in two separate groups. She wrote me a letter almost every night. She gave them to me, and I kept them in my sleeping bag pocket so I could always read them if she was not with me. I just found them today and read them. It was the first time I've broken out in tears in those 34 days NC. I copied all of these letters and put them in an envelope with all of the stuff I have to give her: "The more I get to know my groupmates, the more I realize how perfect we (you and me) are for eachother, and how there is no one in this world quite like you, as wonderful as you...there is a sad hollowness inside me that is your absence. I want to share this with you. You are such a big warm part of me." "I miss you so much my love. I am going crazy wihtout you. I cannot wait to see your beautiful face..." "I want to be strong for you. I am trying so hard. I want to make it back to you. I want to see you again. I am going to be strong and make it back to you. I need you so much. I love you so much. I love you. I hope that you are doing well. I am sure that you are becausae you are very strong. Please don't forget me. I like to thikn that you miss me too. I will make it back to you, I promise. Pinky Promise. I will make it back to hold and kiss you again. I need it so much. Please be well. I love you baby." "I will keep trying to be strong for you. I will make it back to you. I love you so much. I cannot wait to see your beautiful face and feel your perfect body. I miss you so much. Please be well. You are so strong. Love, xxxx" It goes on and on. They also say how bad she was feeling and how hard and scary it was for her. I love the person who wrote those letters. I love her so much... I can't stand it. I included one thing I wrote during that trip: "I am a very frightened person. I become scared by many things... Most of all I was scared of my girlfriend having changed. This frightened me so much... What I was truly worried about was meeting a completely different person in [name]. This fear was very ill founded especially knowing I have not changed at all in my core." She was the exact same person I loved more than life. And now she's gone. Am I sending the wrong message by giving her these? I am not trying to get her back. She is out of my life forever. I just want her to maybe feel something. Feel bad in the least. But I know I'm not thinking too well right now. Somebody tell me I should just dorp the stuff off and leave it at that. I am leaving in 10 or so minutes. Please give me your thoughts. Edit*** I wanted to say "I hate you so much" too. Just so she knows I am not trying to get her back. Hey man, must have been hard to go back through those letters. I know I still can't go back and read old notes/emails, way too emotional. But, if I can give some advice, I wouldn't give those back to her. Things like that have a place, and it's in the past. I know you want her to read them and feel something, perhaps even remorse, but she's likely not going to. The tough pill to swallow is to realize those words were captured at moments in time where those feelings existed - and as we find out the hard way, people change and feelings change. I would suggest getting those back, and either getting rid of them, or boxing them up for a time when you can read them and not be hurt. Stay strong man.
Author TeaAbraham Posted December 25, 2008 Author Posted December 25, 2008 Hey, thanks for the advice northstar. I think you're right. I got way too caught up in the moment going down memory lane. I felt the extreme joy of being with her reading those letters, and I got caught up thinking maybe she could feel the same way too reading those. Not going to happen though. Momentary lapse of reason on my part. I read your other posts and did she cheat on you with your best friend? I'm sorry to hear that. Sometimes I wish my ex would ahve cheated so I could hate him. Maybe that sounds weird but......i dunno...So did you give her the letters or you decided to keep them? You know you're right alwaysme. Sometimes I think how terrible I would feel if she hadn't ran off with my best friend, because then I couldn't hate her. And that is one of few things I have that makes me feel at least a tiny bit better. At least now I can think that if the whole thing with her and him didn't exist, I might still be with her. And so I can hate her for what she's done. Knowing she is such a horrible person as to do this to me, why would I still love her? It doesn't work completely, but it helps. Well I had a ton of her stuff that I put on her doorstep. Her roomates weren't home. I put the letter in a bag with some other mail that was sent to me for her. So as far as I know it's still in that bag on her doorstep. She's in another state at least until the morning of the 26th, or that's what she told me a month or so ago.. So I will probably go back and get that letter asap. Unfortunately I am currently an hour or so away and don't want to make a 2 hour round trip down there just to get that letter back. I will have to wait until the 26th and pray it's still there.
gd26 Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 Mmm... maybe it's just best to leave things as they are now. It would have been better had you not left the letters... but now that you have already left them, perhaps it's just best to forget about it now. I'm not sure it is worth to go drive 1 hour to pick them up. Her roommates may have already found the stuff on the doorstep and taken it inside. And if you come on the 26th, then she may be there... and I don't think anything good would come of you seeing her in person. So it's probably best to just forget about the whole letter thing and not spend further energy worrying about what her reaction to it would be. Just try to leave things as they are and move on... what's done is done. No point in obsessing over this anymore. Just focus on yourself and your own healing now.
alwayssme Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 Hey, thanks for the advice northstar. I think you're right. I got way too caught up in the moment going down memory lane. I felt the extreme joy of being with her reading those letters, and I got caught up thinking maybe she could feel the same way too reading those. Not going to happen though. Momentary lapse of reason on my part. I know exactly what you mean...i feel the same way sometimes..when i think of memories or things that had a huge impact on both of us, i feel like talking to him thinking that it will have the same effect on him as it does on me...but i think that while they know those are good memories, they have moved on..and as northstar said we learned the hard way that people change and feelings change.. yeah you're right...if my ex would have cheated on me or left me from someone else i would def. hate him and never speak to him again...im sur ehe would feel remorse...but he did everything so "his concience" was clear...although he did treat me cold afterwards and knows how bad he hurt me so he still felt bad..i was so nice to him after the breakup...i made him walk away easy in a way..but i was just trying to be mature and not have us on bad terms....which i dont regret i guess but it did make it easier on him and harder on me...ehh..we all just need to move on...lol
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