jules_5652 Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 I have been in an LDR with my boyfriend for almost 11 months, I'm in Australia and he's in New Zealand. I recently spend 2 weeks with him in NZ, but ever since I've come back, there has been a lot of tension. To begin with, we had a pregnancy scare (false alarm though) and this caused us to argue a lot, particularly when he said that if I chose to keep the baby (if i was pregnant) he would never speak to me again and although I told him I would have an abortion (please - no hate from the pro-life) he told me he did not trust me to go through with it because he thinks that girls are prone to making stupid and rash decisions, even though he knows I can't afford to raise a child alone. I understood all this to be him almost bullying me into making a decision that worked best for him without much consideration for my feelings and he was very insensitive during the whole matter; he would not comfort me much when I cried and even hung up on me once when I told him that he was being selfish. I know he was scared, but I feel that he showed his true colours during this time and he should have been more sensitive to my feelings because in the end, it is my body and I would have had to go through the pregnancy/abortion alone. On top of this, I find I'm the one who initiates communication all the time. He doesnt have a job at the moment, so he can't afford to call me, but he never emails me, never texts and never replies to my messages on facebook, although he does all these things for his friends. I try to give him all that he could want from a girlfriend, but it seems like it isnt enough. I've given him phone sex and photos and I paid quite a bit of money to go and visit him. He says that he will come to Melbourne to visit me, but I don't think he's going to go through with it anytime soon (he told me he would visit me late this year, but that never even came close to happening). He has also said some very insensitive, tactless things to me. For example, we recently got into an argument because I found out through a mutual friend that he would be moving away from Auckland to go fruit picking (where there will be limited communication ie. mobile phone) and I got angry that he didn't tell me, his girlfriend whom he supposedly loves, before he told his friends. When I confronted him about it he told me that I wasn't the most important thing in his life and he doesnt have to tell me anything, this upset me a little but what most upset me was what happened later. I hung up the phone without saying 'I love you' because my mum had just been hospitalised and I wasn't in the mood, i just wanted to be left alone. He construed this as me being angry at him for saying I was his most important person and he sent me texts telling me to 'grow the f*ck up', 'f*ck you' and that until I stopped acting like a bitch, i shouldn't bother talking to him. I thought this was uncalled for given the situation with my mother. I know I have painted him as completely horrible, but I have to give you the other side of him. When we are good, he is a funny, caring and loving boyfriend. When i got in NZ, he took care of me, made me food, watched movies I wanted to see and took me out around the city. He was always holding my hand, hugging and kissing me and telling me how much he loved me and we would laugh a lot. Even before I went to NZ, our relationship was good, we would talk for hours and we didnt fight, we had some small arguments but we got over them in like 5 minutes. He has even told me that he would be willing to wait for me to finish university (3 years) and not leave me while i finish my education. I know that a lot of our problems are partly my fault, I struggle to communicate my feelings and I know that i like to be the centre of his attention and i sometimes get insecure about our relationship, simple because of the distance. He says I'm his soulmate and he will never leave me, but we are only human and sometimes life just gets in the way of love. He is a decent guy and I know he loves me, I just wish he could show it a bit more and make me feel more important because I'm feeling very unappreciated lately. I'm scared that out relationship is falling apart and the next 6 months are going to be especially difficult (due to it being hard to stay in touch) and I just want us to make it through. How do I talk to him about it? Is it worth saving this relationship? Is this rough patch we've been experiencing normal and will it go away or could this be the end?
BobSacamento Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 I read about the first few lines and he already sounds like a POS.
nittanylion Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 He is not a good bf. If he loves you, he would support in your decision whether to have baby or not. He seems to force you to have an abortion if you are pregnant. This statement clearly shows he didnt care or love you. He sound likes a control freak. I think you can do better. You need to find someone who put you first, not last.
Island Girl Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 I have been in an LDR with my boyfriend for almost 11 months, I'm in Australia and he's in New Zealand. I recently spend 2 weeks with him in NZ, but ever since I've come back, there has been a lot of tension. I read through the entire post before this response. At first I was wondering how long it has been since this visit. But by the time I'd finished I realized it doesn't matter really. To begin with, we had a pregnancy scare (false alarm though) and this caused us to argue a lot, particularly when he said that if I chose to keep the baby (if i was pregnant) he would never speak to me again and although I told him I would have an abortion (please - no hate from the pro-life) he told me he did not trust me to go through with it because he thinks that girls are prone to making stupid and rash decisions, even though he knows I can't afford to raise a child alone. I understood all this to be him almost bullying me into making a decision that worked best for him without much consideration for my feelings and he was very insensitive during the whole matter; he would not comfort me much when I cried and even hung up on me once when I told him that he was being selfish. I know he was scared, but I feel that he showed his true colours during this time and he should have been more sensitive to my feelings because in the end, it is my body and I would have had to go through the pregnancy/abortion alone. So this false pregnancy was just after you got back from the visit? I agree he showed his true colors at that point. Read just the bolded parts of this paragraph and you will see he completely disregarded your feelings, refused to comfort you, he doesn't trust you, and he thinks girls in general make stupid and rash decisions. That tells me it isn't love in the true sense of the word at all. And he doesn't care much about you if he said he'd never speak to you again if you had the baby. He could drop you just like that?!! But he loves you so much?!! Right. On top of this, I find I'm the one who initiates communication all the time. He doesnt have a job at the moment, so he can't afford to call me, but he never emails me, never texts and never replies to my messages on facebook, although he does all these things for his friends. I try to give him all that he could want from a girlfriend, but it seems like it isnt enough. I've given him phone sex and photos and I paid quite a bit of money to go and visit him. He says that he will come to Melbourne to visit me, but I don't think he's going to go through with it anytime soon (he told me he would visit me late this year, but that never even came close to happening). So in the face of adversity he treats you terribly, he doesn't contact you, and he doesn't follow through with what he tells you. He also doesn't have a job and treats his friends better than you on a very regular basis. He sounds like a real gem. I am surprised you are willing to settle for so little from him. To me, what makes a man truly special is the way he treats ME. If I want to date a jerk I can throw a rock down the street and hit at least a couple of those. They are everywhere. And I'd rather be alone than be treated like crap. I've said it a million times to my friends when they have been stuck with some good-for-nothing guy. You are giving him PLENTY as far as what would be expected from a girlfriend. And the fact that you would say it seems like it isn't enough - as if his lack of attention to you and disrespect of you is somehow your fault - makes me feel like you really need some help with your self esteem. You are doing the right things. He isn't. And he isn't because he chooses not to. He has also said some very insensitive, tactless things to me. For example, we recently got into an argument because I found out through a mutual friend that he would be moving away from Auckland to go fruit picking (where there will be limited communication ie. mobile phone) and I got angry that he didn't tell me, his girlfriend whom he supposedly loves, before he told his friends. When I confronted him about it he told me that I wasn't the most important thing in his life and he doesnt have to tell me anything, this upset me a little but what most upset me was what happened later. So he told you exactly how he sees you. In plain English. That you aren't the most important thing in his life and he doesn't have to tell you anything -- why are you still with him? Or thinking about him? Or giving him any attention or access to you AT ALL? He clearly doesn't appreciate you or value you. I hung up the phone without saying 'I love you' because my mum had just been hospitalised and I wasn't in the mood, i just wanted to be left alone. After what he said I wouldn't tell him I love him either! And I am surprised that you could love someone so fervently who disregards you, disrespects you, and seems view you and your relationship as disposable. He construed this as me being angry at him for saying I was his most important person Yeah. You were angry weren't you? And you had every reason to be angry. and he sent me texts telling me to 'grow the f*ck up', 'f*ck you' and that until I stopped acting like a bitch, i shouldn't bother talking to him. I agree you should not bother talking to him. He is not much of a man. In fact not a man at all from his behavior. I thought this was uncalled for given the situation with my mother. And you're right. It was absolutely uncalled for. And in my book that more than seals the deal. I know I have painted him as completely horrible, but I have to give you the other side of him. Haven't you been telling the truth? Well then he is completely horrible. Maybe he wasn't before but he is now. Maybe it was always there and he hid it better in the beginning but now he has gotten comfortable treating you like crap because you keep putting up with it. Maybe just as you say -- he has been showing his TRUE colors now. And you know that is what an abuser does. It starts small and grows bigger. Everyone always wonders why women who are beaten don't leave. But it doesn't START with them getting beaten. It usually starts with the man saying horrible things like she is stupid, worthless, etc. And it builds to the point where when he hits her she wonders what she did to deserve it. Similar to you saying you try to be such a good girlfriend but you guess it isn't good enough. Like somehow you are causing him to act so cold a callous when really this monster has lived inside of him all along and now it is coming out. When we are good, he is a funny, caring and loving boyfriend. When i got in NZ, he took care of me, made me food, watched movies I wanted to see and took me out around the city. He was always holding my hand, hugging and kissing me and telling me how much he loved me and we would laugh a lot. Even before I went to NZ, our relationship was good, we would talk for hours and we didnt fight, we had some small arguments but we got over them in like 5 minutes. Was that in the beginning? Because remember things are always good in the beginning. It is when problems come up as the road of life gets rocky that the facade comes down and you see who you are really with. He has even told me that he would be willing to wait for me to finish university (3 years) and not leave me while i finish my education. If he is your boyfriend why shouldn't he wait? Aren't you waiting for him as well? Is that some gift you don't feel entitled to? If so you are wrong. I know that a lot of our problems are partly my fault, I struggle to communicate my feelings and I know that i like to be the centre of his attention and i sometimes get insecure about our relationship, simple because of the distance. He says I'm his soulmate and he will never leave me, but we are only human and sometimes life just gets in the way of love. Communication problems are one thing. He has been abusive verbally to you and more. Then he says you are his soulmate? After he makes you cry - have a more horrible time than necessary while you were trying to handle the situation with your mother - threatened to dump you instantly in a time of crisis that you BOTH were a part of - and said he didn't trust you - but you are his soulmate that he just loves so much. Is that how you treat people whom you love? He is a decent guy and I know he loves me, I just wish he could show it a bit more and make me feel more important because I'm feeling very unappreciated lately. I'm scared that out relationship is falling apart and the next 6 months are going to be especially difficult (due to it being hard to stay in touch) and I just want us to make it through. How do I talk to him about it? Is it worth saving this relationship? Is this rough patch we've been experiencing normal and will it go away or could this be the end? I hope it ends for your sake. You are taking a lot of abuse at his insistence and it damages you. You are aware of that right? That the longer you put up with that kind of treatment from him that it affects your self esteem? And that is a very sad thing. You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you. You can not change how he acts or how he views you. You can't change the way he reacts to you or outside stress and circumstances. What you can change is your boundaries and getting a clear evaluation of what you're getting by staying with him. From the sounds of it pretty much nothing.
KikiW Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 I know this is an older post, but I was reading through some threads and couldn't pass this by... If this man is so sweet, caring and as devoted to you as he says he is, then how about giving him a little test. STOP CONTACTING HIM. See how long it takes him to contact you. If it's more than 24 hours, be concerned. If it's more than 48 hours - DROP HIM. Soulmates don't take 48+ hours to make sure their loved one is okay. I won't even begin to respond to his reaction to the pregnancy scare, but that raised all kinds of red flags for me. I think you can do a lot better.
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