Author SupportGroupie Posted December 26, 2008 Author Posted December 26, 2008 frannie thanks that makes sense to me, and I understand. I thik a lot of men are really in dead end relationships with their wives and there are so many reasons that affairs happen. I understand it more now than ever. thanks...:-) are you still with this man??? SG good luck
Nikki Sahagin Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 Hey. As i've said in another post, I wasn't messing around with a married man nor one in a long-term relationship (just a short one) but nonetheless I messed around yes. To tell you the truth? No I never felt guilty. I'm not sure what that means. I'm not sure if that makes me a bad person or maybe just selfish. At the time all I saw and felt and thought was him. He was what I wanted. It was overwhelming. That tiny little voice saying it was wrong was always overwritten easily by this tidle wave of intensity. It felt like a strange combination between consciously ignoring your conscience and being carried along in an ocean with no way to fight the waves. Several times I 'tried to stop' what I was doing but I became so miserable and depressed that I suppose I put my misery before her own and went back to the situation. Maybe at the time I wasn't strong enough. I didn't feel guilty because I was feeling too bad for myself to feel bad for her and that is the honest truth really. If all you're seeing is you, you only feel for you. I didn't feel for her. It's about ego gratification really isn't it?
Nikki Sahagin Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 I might add about the ego thing - I was VERY untrusting of men so I think I kind of unconsciously (???) sought out a situation to prove my point in a way. I had in my head a kind of set up of this tragic Romeo and Juliet love affair - this pure, equisite, meant to be kind of love that just wasn't allowed to happen (i'm a bit of a poet). I was also quite insecure (still working on this) and as my friend before all this he made me feel special, valued, trusted and listened to. I didn't develop any back bone in myself so I relied on him to provide it.
OWoman Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 No I don't feel remotely guilty. If my MM's BW had treated him with any decency or respect or even shown anything resembling love or affection, he'd not have been susceptible to my advances. He's deeply loyal and committed and unable even to notice another woman when his heart is being held. I don't feel guilty for watering a wilted flower that was shrivelling and dying. I don't feel guilty for showing the kids what love and respect is. I don't feel guilty for introducing laughter and enjoyment into their lives and I don't feel guilty for returning their lost son and brother to his family. Actually, I feel pretty great about it all.
Author SupportGroupie Posted December 27, 2008 Author Posted December 27, 2008 Nikki Thx for your post. Its helpful to hear other peoples stories. I too was so deep in it was hard to think straight, but I had a lot of guilt and self hate along with it...but there was some force that kept him deep in my soul and as I read back from his last 2 emails...with a clearer head, he obviously is deeply struggling now that he is separated...yet when i read the emails without judgement, he sure seems to have deep feelings or did, just cant express them much right now in the depths of his family split. anyway,thanks for your reply and especially your honesty SG
Author SupportGroupie Posted December 27, 2008 Author Posted December 27, 2008 OW thanks. I am glad you brought so much to him and his family. that is a positive outcome. At times I felt like I was bringing the only source of light into his world, as he repeatedly told me i made him alive again, he was just existing and going through the motions of marriage for kids sake..so I do understand how you feel and that you helped someone grow and find happiness ....I am glad for you. thanks SG
White Flower Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 Hi WhiteF, Your post reminds me of the movie Fatal Attraction. The script writers didn't invent those roles, only took pre-existing stereotypes and exaggerated them. So there was the beautiful, supportive and loving BS. The MM who's only crime up until he met Glen Close was being successful and a workaholic. And then we come to Glen Close, the OW, who was a temptress and seduced Michael Douglas against his better judgement. How could he resist? But when the OW finds the MM slipping from her claws, she is so vengeful that she boils the bunny and quite literally puts every member of the family unit in direct physical harm. The moral of that story of course was beware of the evil-doing OW who will steer you away from everything you value in your life. And then of course, the nasty label Bunny Boiler is used still to denote a woman who will stop at nothing to steal your H. Hmmm. And from what I've experienced and read on here so far is that nine times out of ten it is the MM who does the pursuing and when the OW gets fed up and leaves it is the MM who pulls them back in. But when W finds out, it was the OW who seduced them. SG, may I ask how old you and MM are? It would help to know before giving any more opinions. Just be general about it. Tnx.
jj33 Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 SG I am not suggesting its easy. But you are spinning your wheels if you think being there for him will make a difference. Look even now after all this time if I heard MM left and was not 100% certain he wanted to be with me (he still calls me invites me to dinner etc I dont go but he still pursues me) I would be ballistic. There wouldnt be enough words or pages on here to contain me. But I would not be saying should I give him time and space to decide poor baby. And I wouldnt be there by his side. The sound of my heel clicking againt the sidewalk wouldnt be heard because it would happen so fast. Get angry. Get proud get hurt but dont waste another minute thinking that he needs you to love him so he can come to the right solution.
Author SupportGroupie Posted December 27, 2008 Author Posted December 27, 2008 Hi WF I am bigger than a bread box, and old enough to know better. LOL Kidding, I don't really like to give too much detail here, as I believe other people I know might be on this site, (friends, people who are seeking help) but I am not a kid, not by far. I am also not naive or never was expecially when it came to men. Dated so many men and this one is just crazy. I did not want marriage or a family ever, and I still dont want a family , and I cant imagine marriage, I am independent...but this man just turned my world around. I have no visions of marrying him, but I did envision dating him seriously if he was ever single. Now he is in another place, and I dont know what that is. I want to just scream and tell him to fuc* off or get the truth and then go..or not. But not knowing blows chunks..lol I am older than 39 and younger than 50... SG
Author SupportGroupie Posted December 27, 2008 Author Posted December 27, 2008 JJ Thanks You are right, I keep making excuses for him, thinking in time x will happen, he will come around, he will confess all thats happened....lol. More than likely Pinocchio will appear and just pile the lies on until his nose falls off his ****in* lying face...AAH that felt good. I am hurt more than angry but feel the anger creeping in, and that would be better. It would make it easier for me to go. You are very helpful in your support and your no holds barred attitude about your MM. GOOD for you and ((applause)). I pray I find your strength and self respect soon. Its so odd because I broke up with a boyfriend who gave me everything MM could never and more. I dont mean cars, toys, I mean full heart, full time, full HIM and there was not a day that went by that he did not tell me I was precious or beautiful (emails etc...lol..I did not see him that often, but)...I knew what I meant to him. One day, if I choose to date again, (not interested at all..) it was a deep and hard relationship I was in with ex..(not the MM)...but one day, if I move on to another relationship, I would expect to be treated with the love, dignity and kindness my ex boyfriend gave me. I did not fall in love, though I really tried to find that connection, but we were not meant to be. It was a very hard relationship to end, but it is odd that now my MM is separated, and I am single and it all went to shi* quickly. Live and learn, and grow..I guess thanks JJ Have you been able to date and enjoy yourself..? I am sorry he is still calling and putting himself in your life . I know that must be so hard. I cant imagine being strong under those circumstances..but I guess eventually a NO is a NO. WAY TO GO JJ you deserve happiness... SG
Author SupportGroupie Posted December 27, 2008 Author Posted December 27, 2008 Oh sorry JJ me and the SM are both about the same age, within 3-4 years. He was married to the same woman for well over 20 plus perhaps 25. I dont even know believe it or not. But yes, this was his mate for a long long time. I believe they have had major problems for 10 plus years. SG
LavendarGirl Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 Hi WF I am older than 39 and younger than 50... Oh, hey SG, that makes us exactly the same age!!!
jj33 Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 If anyone asked me out i would go. They dont so I dont. But that still doesnt make going back to MM a better option. It is not
frannie Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 frannie thanks that makes sense to me, and I understand. I thik a lot of men are really in dead end relationships with their wives and there are so many reasons that affairs happen. I understand it more now than ever. thanks...:-) are you still with this man??? SG good luck I think that was definitely the case with my (x?)MM. I wouldn't say I was 'with' him. The last time I saw him properly was November 1st 2007, since then we've seen each other twice, both unplanned, just for a short while. And a lot of the intervening time has been NC or LC. Currently we're phoning. So I know a version of what's going on since d-day. Oh, and I also have had some contact with W since d-day too. That's a whole other story, though.
Author SupportGroupie Posted December 27, 2008 Author Posted December 27, 2008 F wow, contact with the W..? hmmm the plot thickens. Do you want to be with this man now or has its appeal died down for you over the year? Best of luck...really.... Dont want to pry....but wish you well with the contact and talks...even if they are infrequent. SG
Author SupportGroupie Posted December 27, 2008 Author Posted December 27, 2008 Lol I act like I am 5 years old, so what's the difference. LOL ... I am closer to 40 than 50...:-) yahoooo....but sometimes feel closer to 18... Cheers SG
Author SupportGroupie Posted December 27, 2008 Author Posted December 27, 2008 JJ I hear you. Absolutely. I just commend you for your strength...and send support Have a good evening SG
White Flower Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Oh, hey SG, that makes us exactly the same age!!! I'm right there with ya, girls;)
GreenEyedLady Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Do I feel guilty? Not anymore. But I did. Horribly guilty. And so I ended it, so he could work things out with her. But he came back to me. And I stopped feeling guilty because I stepped out and allowed them the choice to rebuild. I don't think it's my fault that they chose not to rebuild it.
herenow Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 as he repeatedly told me i made him alive again, SG Beware of this line. The idea that a MM feels "alive" again is a classic sign of a real problem. Possibly an addiction. The relationship between an OW and a MM with this type of problem is no different than the relationship between an alcoholic and a bottle of booze or a drug addict and his next fix.
bentnotbroken Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 I'm right there with ya, girls;) Aren't we all:cool:
frannie Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 F wow, contact with the W..? hmmm the plot thickens. Do you want to be with this man now or has its appeal died down for you over the year? Best of luck...really.... Dont want to pry....but wish you well with the contact and talks...even if they are infrequent. SG Contact is frequent, appeal is still high, if he'd sort himself out I'd be interested in a future with him, yes. Contact with the W, well since she found out about me she's had quite a bit to say to me, more than she has had to say to him in some ways. It shows me just how bad their relationship has been when she emails me complaining about the difficulties she's having, but doesn't talk to him about it at all.
frannie Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Beware of this line. The idea that a MM feels "alive" again is a classic sign of a real problem. Possibly an addiction. The relationship between an OW and a MM with this type of problem is no different than the relationship between an alcoholic and a bottle of booze or a drug addict and his next fix. I don't think that this necessarily follows. Something can open your eyes to what you've been missing without you getting 'addicted' to it. It can just be a sea change in expectations and experience. Addiction doesn't necessarily follow desire.
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