Stepdaughter drama

[RjandOlivia2522]

I have a 5 yr old Step-daughter. My husband and I have been together since before she was 2. My husband and I have 2 children together and have been married for 2 years. Things have never been perfect in our family especially when it came to his daughter. Before I had my children it was completely fine. HOwever after I had our first child I went through a mild form of PPD (Post Pardom Depression). It was to the point that I didn't want to be around anyone but my baby. I was in and out of the hospital with my baby because he developed a bad infection when he was 10 days old and that just made the PPD even worse. My step-daughter has always been the favorite. Especially when it came to her grandparents. Everyone babies her. After I had my child I couldn't stand the sight of her. Everything that she did annoyed me. I knew alot of it had to do with the PPD. I did feel really guilty about the way I was feeling. She lives with her mother M-F so after awhile my feeling started to improve on her. Last spring I had our second child. Even though I had a lot on my plate I still invited my step-daughter to spend the summer with us and I would send her to camp. Let me clarify that for 8 weeks of camp it cost me $3000 just to send her. That doesn't include lunch, camp uniforms, etc. And when I say I paid for it I mean I used money that I had earned and been saving to send her to camp. After the first week of camp she went home to her mother for the weekend and got a phone call on saturday morning from her mother screaming at my husband. She actually told her mother that I was beating her. Let me just say I have NEVER EVER laid a hand on this child. NEVER! This child has been know no lie to manipulate a situation so that she can get her way. Then 2 weeks after that she went home and told her mother that I dont love her father. It has gotten so bad that she has even started saying things about my mother and the rest of my family. Now those feeling are all right back again. I cant stand to look at her. I dont want her in my house. No one will do anything to correct her lies. They all chalk it up to her "just being a kid". This has the potential to ruin my life. God forbid she tells a teacher or someone that I beat her and they get CPS on me or something. I do not need to lose my children because her parents refuse to believe she has a problem. I do not need my children being effected by her lies either. They are getting older and will start to realize what is going on. It is causing big problems between me and my husband. I hate the fact that his parents favor her!!!! One time his mother walked into my house with a bag full of goodies for her and NOTHING for my son. As a mother I think that was one of the most painful feeling seeing my little boy cry becuase he got nothing. I hate this situation. I want a divorce because of this.

[Lizzie60]

Wow.. are you talking about a 5 year old girl????? Sorry but the problem is not her.. it's you.. big time.. how can a 5 yr old girl manipulate the way you're saying she is.. you see it as manipulation.. when in fact, it's a cry for help.. she knows very well that you hate her and, in return, do you think she'll be nice with you.. come on..

 

You are IMO very immature about children.. maybe you should get therapy because HIS daughter will never go away...

 

Maybe you should divorce .. for her sake.

[RjandOlivia2522]

Well Lizzie60. You must not have step-children, maybe not even children. You know I use to think that the problem was me but I have come to the conclusion after talikng to people like you that I am not the problem. I have never said that I hated her. You are right it is a cry for help but no one will answer the cry. He parents obviously dont care enough about her to maybe talk to her to find out where this "cry for help" is coming from. And for your info I have NEVER showed his daughter anything but love and compasion. There would be no reason for her to think that I hate her. Another thing there is other kids involved so your advice is to divore for her sake, what about the other kids sake? Didn't think of that huh? Yes children can manipulate to get there way, it dosen't matter what age they are. She just takes it to that other level that has the potential to really hurt others.

 

So for others sake maybe you should keep you OP to yourself if you have nothing helpful to say.

 

 

Thanks

[Lizzie60]

Ha-hem..

 

And for your info I have NEVER showed his daughter anything but love and compasion.

 

From your original post.. I felt the opposite..

 

... and for your information.. I have 2 children.. and I was the step mother of 3 girls for 18 years.. his youngest was 6 when we got together..

 

To this day, they adore me.. we still see and talk to each other.. they were more often at our place that with their mother.. eventhough the mother was a great mom.. We (ex W, the father and me) have always put the needs of the children first.. always...

 

I feel that you don't like this child.. and I'm certain that she also feels it.. I'm sure you're a good mom to YOUR kids.. but not a good step mom.. (from what I read)... sorry but this is how you came across..

[Touche]

Trust me, the child knows how you feel about her even if you think she doesn't because you're hiding it. And yes, I'm a stepmom (for the 2nd time in fact.)

 

You and your husband MUST get on the same page here or it will just continue and get worse.

 

Why would the grandmother do what she did? I mean your kids are her grandchildren too right? Was it the stepdaughter's b-day or something?

 

Anyway, you're headed for divorce unless you really sit down with your H and get on the same page.

 

Blended families have an even higher divorce rate than regular marriages where no children from a previous relationship are involved.

 

Also you need to make a special effort with her. Do things with her and only with her. You have to somehow get past your resentment and treat her as if she were your own. Anything short of that will spell failure and the breakdown of your marriage and family.

[Joyvke]

It has nothing to do with the fact you "show" her things. Kids as well as animals can feel/ sense something is not right. If people don't like them for example. Also sending a kid to camp, no matter how expensive it is. Feels as if it's not wanted.

 

Also I know how it feels when your grandparents care for all grandchildren but you. I was the unwanted grandchild from my dads side. Because I wasn't a boy. They didn't come to visit my mum when I was born, but 2 weeks later. When it was my birthday my sister got presents. My little brother was smothered like mad, and so were my sisters. I grew to dislike my grandparents because of that. I was only 3 and I already didn't wanted to go there. When I was about 12 my mum told me what I had been feeling all that time.

[RjandOlivia2522]

I really feel like I need to defend myself. First off when I was going through my PPD, It was pointed towards everyone but my child. So with the advice of a professional I took myself out of the situation and stayed somewhere else, while I was going through this ordeal. She NEVER saw me when I was going through that. I didn't want her to be effected. I have always treated her as if she was my own. I would take her to get her nails done, go shopping with her, etc. I for one am a product of a blended household. My step-father was never around. A Workaholic. My step-mother was around but had 6 of her own children to tend to. So I for the most part was forgotten about. So I know how it can be. I always made her feel welcome. I never said that I hated her. However I am human. Adult or not, I have feelings too. I give and give and give to this little girl and I get nothing but heartache. Apparently nothing that I can do will make anything right. The general responses that I have been getting is that everything is pretty much my fault. My problem. Either I give off a vibe that I hate her or I'm trying too hard or not hard enough.

 

Its a never ending losing battle.

[Eve]

I have two stepsons who went through a period of highly dysfunctional behaviour and it came to a point whereby serious action had to be taken. To cut a long story short I stopped them from coming to the family home. It was agreed in the end that my Husband would see them at his parents home and he focused entirely on building a solid relationship with them. My thoughts on the topic were that until they could respect him there was no point in my being involved. Within my situation the boys mother was being a supreme bitch and really it was too much pressure for them to come to my home because she was influencing them negatively. After two years they asked to come back and were welcomed with open arms. We are fine now. In truth they needed their Dad and I had to shut my gob about how I was feeling and allow Dad and boys to get back together. Please remember honey that the time that we are children is nothing in comparison to the time we spend as adults. This will pass - but keep yourself safe. You seem very vulnerable right now, dont sweat the responses from others here. You do not need to defend yourself.Regards,Eve xx

[Haruka]

To the OP. I know that you are trying to defend yourself in this situation. If you had re-read what you had wrote I am sure you can understand why those others had attacked you.

 

The child is 5 years old she isn't at the stage in her intellictual abilites to know what manipulation of the relationship is. Think about it you have been with her father for 3 years (during which time you took time out during you PPD stage), this little girl would of become accoustomed to you and not seen that she was in a blended family.

 

I know you keep using the excuse of PPD where every little thing she does is annoying to the extreme. She is still a baby, even if she can walk and talk she is still a toddler and she has an understand that something isn't right with the picture. You said that you invited her over for 8 weeks and yet you sent her away to a camp. Which we as readers are hearing you whinging about how expensive it was without the food and the uniform.

OMG she is 5 not 8. How do you think she interuptered the action when she thought she was going to spend 8 weeks with her daddy (your husband) and your family. She would of been excited and yet she was shipped off to a camp just cause you didn't want her around.

 

Even if you always giving to her, she can read that you don't like her. Sure it must have been hurtful that your mother-in-law gave presents to her instead of your children. Is your step-daughter the first born grandchild of these grandparents? Were they there when she was born?

 

For some grandparents there is going to be a connection with such children.

 

Before you get into a flap that I'm telling you off. I myself come from a blended family. I actually was raised by my father's parents as sadly my mom was seventeen and she couldn't cope with a premature sickly baby and my young father took up truck driving. I dont have a connection or relationship with my mother. I know of her and I have meet up with her on a few occasions in my life, I do how ever have a relationship with my dad.

 

When I was 7 my dad meet my step mother. Who already had two kids to two different fathers. From the start my stepmother was exteremely jealous of me. When I visited my father she would always be in the same room or at least be in the vacinity. When I would go to hug him she would call him away from me.

She would make degrading comments about my mother (whom my stepmom was jealous of)

 

It got worse when she had his kids (my half siblings), when I did go to visit him, I would go to hug him or kiss him on the cheek or tell him what I was doing at school etc and when I did get close to him she would call to my dad to go and change/feed the baby. It got to the point that I didn't understand why my father wasn't taking interest in me. I knew he was my daddy but wasn't like he was before he meet her.

 

I recall when I was 17, my dad asked what I wanted for Xmas over the phone and I said I would love a computer (just a second hand one) and within the next few hours my step-mother called back told me that under no circumstances was he going to buy me a computer for Xmas. Yet when I went to his place after Xmas, I saw my siblings with playstation games, motorbikes everything new. All I got in the end was $20 cause the poor man didn't know what to give me.

 

Today my stepmother is still jealous of me. Even to the point that there is no photos of me hanging up on the walls.

 

I have to tell you OP even though you say you come from a blended family and were not given much attention by either. It seems that you want to push this little girl out of the way because now you have kids. You say that you take her out shopping or getting nails done, but do you think she is seeing through your facade? She senses that you are annoyed with her etc and that your "jealous and hurt" that she gets presents from your mil and your son is ignored.

 

How about as Eve had suggested, let your husband spend time with her at his parents place. She wants to spend time with her dad. I think your step-daughter said that you hit her because she felt left out.

[Eve]

I know wikipedia is not the best choice of place to gather information but I thought it may be valuable to add a link so that posters are aware of what post partum depression actually is. As you will see from even skim reading the info it is an extremely serious form of depression. I have even heard of mothers ending their lives and the lives of their babies whilst suffering from this disorder. It is not something which a person can simply 'pull themselves back together' from and the mother will need a lot of loving attention during this time.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postpartum_depressionTo the OP, how supportive is your husband? My husband really had to do a lot of soul searching whilst his boys were behaving as they were. They were 5 nearly 6 and 7 nearly 8 and I know in my heart of hearts Hubby and I would have divorced if the boys had kept coming over. I think that we must be careful as women because of how much we are expected to give of ourselves. Motherhood can break a person if we are not careful. I remember being inundated with one bad act of behaviour after another. It was an awful time! The worse part for me was the boys using very adult terms and being really jelous of my children to the point whereby I could not trust them to be alone with them. I used to stress about them coming over as soon as they had left the house and it was horrible because I was supposed to see them as 'just children' when really they were highly manipulative. My getting stressed would please their mother you see, kind of like some bizarre form of bonding. In the end I couldnt take it anymore but more importantly I considered just how they were feeling. I cried a lot about the decision but once the decision was made it was an almighty relief. At least my husband got to see just how bad the behaviour was for himself! Funnily enough the only person to be upset about the decision was my husbands ex wife. She went absolutely mad! But we carried through with our plan which included keeping the ex wife entirely away from our lives. She was really the problem. We explained to the boys together why we had made the decision and did not blame them. They cried a lot but really it was all too much for them.... Kids act out when stressed. You need to give yourself a lot of room to get better sweetheart and not have to worry about encounters with this child when you are already not at your best. The constant build up of one thing happening and then another is enough to upset any mere mortal. You need to give yourself time to unravel from it all. I was upset by my boys behaviour because I had been acting in the mother role and I felt deeply hurt when they played up to the point of distraction, so although I have never experienced post partum depression I do understand some of what you are going through. Make a newplan for 2009 and stick to it.God Bless,Eve xxSorry about the layout of my message. My love shack account cannot process paragrapghs.