MeaganRaye Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 If your MM leaves their W, and decided to be in a relationship with just only you, could you list reasons why he should be more loyal & faithful to you than he did with his wife in your relationship?
carhill Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 1. Because in MC he saw how his fundamental perspective was flawed and he needed to change it and himself to have a healthy relationship with a compatible partner.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 What's your agenda here? You seem to ask questions and not give out any reason as to why you are asking. Why does anyone need to list reasons for you? You're not the one in the R. So it's not really any of your business, is it? GEL
Author MeaganRaye Posted December 24, 2008 Author Posted December 24, 2008 What's your agenda here? You seem to ask questions and not give out any reason as to why you are asking. Why does anyone need to list reasons for you? You're not the one in the R. So it's not really any of your business, is it? GEL All this stuff makes me scared to get married or enter a committed relationship. The possibility that my husband would be sleeping with another woman and carrying on another relationship is heartbreaking. And some of you know the guy is married and will help him conceal the relationship from the W. It's scary
carhill Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 If you approach life and relationships from a perspective of fear, you will experience your perspective. You define it. Think about that. Perhaps IC can help you the same way MC helped me
Author MeaganRaye Posted December 24, 2008 Author Posted December 24, 2008 If you approach life and relationships from a perspective of fear, you will experience your perspective. You define it. Think about that. Perhaps IC can help you the same way MC helped me what does IC and MC mean? I have a good reason to worry about this though. I don't want it to happen to me
GreenEyedLady Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 All this stuff makes me scared to get married or enter a committed relationship. The possibility that my husband would be sleeping with another woman and carrying on another relationship is heartbreaking. And some of you know the guy is married and will help him conceal the relationship from the W. It's scary Why are you already thinking about the worst case scenario? I find it really odd that you would come post in this forum for that reason alone.
Author MeaganRaye Posted December 24, 2008 Author Posted December 24, 2008 Why are you already thinking about the worst case scenario? I find it really odd that you would come post in this forum for that reason alone. The worst case scenario seems so common I don't think it's odd that I post in here for that reason. I'm just curious why people have these kind of relationships.
carhill Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 what does IC and MC mean? IC = individual counseling MC = marriage counseling IOW, psychological therapy, in most cases. IMO, if, as GEL noted, fear of worst-case-scenarios is limiting your ability to form healthy relationships, that's something worth getting help for.
HappyAtLast Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 more than life itself. I would never, ever do anything to hurt her.
Author MeaganRaye Posted December 24, 2008 Author Posted December 24, 2008 more than life itself. I would never, ever do anything to hurt her. Who are you ?
HappyAtLast Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 A man who has been married to his affair partner longer than most of you folks have been alive. Who are you?
Lizzie60 Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 If your MM leaves their W, and decided to be in a relationship with just only you, could you list reasons why he should be more loyal & faithful to you than he did with his wife in your relationship? My first ex was never faithful to his W.. he started having affairs before they even got married.. I was his OW for over 11 years.. then she (W) kicked him out and he moved in with me.. I left him after 18 years.. I very much doubt he had cheated on me.. I can't swear it ... but he was always with me.. almost 24/7... I got soooo tired of him.. he almost died when I left him.
Author MeaganRaye Posted December 24, 2008 Author Posted December 24, 2008 My first ex was never faithful to his W.. he started having affairs before they even got married.. I was his OW for over 11 years.. then she (W) kicked him out and he moved in with me.. I left him after 18 years.. I very much doubt he had cheated on me.. I can't swear it ... but he was always with me.. almost 24/7... I got soooo tired of him.. he almost died when I left him. That's not fair. Why didn't he cheat on you ? What were you able to provide that the W couldn't
Lizzie60 Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 That's not fair. Why didn't he cheat on you ? What were you able to provide that the W couldn't How do I know.. In those years, when the girl got pregnant, the guy HAD to marry her.. Her dad almost 'force' him to marry her.. He was a very powerful man at that time.. so I guess my ex was a bit scared... but I know he never loved her... he loved his kids though.. Plus, to be honest, I think he was cheating cause he could cheat.. she was kind of a 'doormat' all those years.. When he moved with me.. he once stay out very late one night in a bar.. when he got home I said to him he could pack his stuff as I would never ever deal with this cr*p and he would have to stop the 'single' life he had been living with her.. those years were over if he wanted me around.. That was the last night out ever..
SupportGroupie Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 MR i am sorry, it seems you came here for help and are not quite getting it. I dont know your story, but you asked a legitimate question in my eyes. TO answer what you asked? 1. Nope I have few reasons to believe he would not cheat on me. He lives long distance and we saw eachother very little. I have little trust 2. i would personally worry that he would eventually see me the same way he saw his wife, that things get mundane and dont feel as passionate along the way. So he might look for the excitement to stay at that level we had, and if it did not, could he cheat, sure 3. My biggest obstacle with my separated now man, is that I have no reason to believe he would tell me truth...he lied to me, lied to her..etc. 4. Do i believe that each relationship is different, sure. I think some MM leave their W and have fulfilling, honest relationships with the OW...I am sure it happens...SO I Dont want to be SLAMMED Here.....at all. NOT looking for debate. Each relationship is different. MINE reveals no i cant trust him and his communication skills are piss poor so i would never be able to have an honest talk. he is vague at best. SO YES i would personally worry about being with a MM that cheated....repeatedly for years. Had a long term affair..even if it was with me, i would be distrusting. thats just me happy holidays and i am not here to judge SG
Author MeaganRaye Posted December 24, 2008 Author Posted December 24, 2008 MR i am sorry, it seems you came here for help and are not quite getting it. I dont know your story, but you asked a legitimate question in my eyes. TO answer what you asked? 1. Nope I have few reasons to believe he would not cheat on me. He lives long distance and we saw eachother very little. I have little trust 2. i would personally worry that he would eventually see me the same way he saw his wife, that things get mundane and dont feel as passionate along the way. So he might look for the excitement to stay at that level we had, and if it did not, could he cheat, sure 3. My biggest obstacle with my separated now man, is that I have no reason to believe he would tell me truth...he lied to me, lied to her..etc. 4. Do i believe that each relationship is different, sure. I think some MM leave their W and have fulfilling, honest relationships with the OW...I am sure it happens...SO I Dont want to be SLAMMED Here.....at all. NOT looking for debate. Each relationship is different. MINE reveals no i cant trust him and his communication skills are piss poor so i would never be able to have an honest talk. he is vague at best. SO YES i would personally worry about being with a MM that cheated....repeatedly for years. Had a long term affair..even if it was with me, i would be distrusting. thats just me happy holidays and i am not here to judge SG Thank you for your honesty. Is there a length of time before you decide you don't want to be the OW anymore?
SupportGroupie Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 Hi No I dont think there is a length of time. I mean I tried to walk away about 10 times over 5 years, and did. Or so I thought. I said NO MORE, you cant call me etc when you have a wife. I am not ok with it, even if you are. I got distant and tried to keep it friendly..but the feelings always came back. I let go several times, dated and stayed committed to other men, and did not see him in meantime, but he was always in my heart. Now that I am here on this forum, I am considering saying goodbye for good...but its been impossible...almost. I did say it many times, but let him back in at least emotionally. When I take an honest look at the situation, what he has been doing, the lies, the issues, the hurt, the pain, the intense passion.....it all comes together to mean that this is something not good for me, even tho he is now apparently free. Though I dont really know what to believe. I dont like how he avoids me questions, and manhy other things and I want to walk away for good. I am not quite sure he would care at this point. He is in another world...emotionally. I think you know when its time, or perhaps you dont, I sure did not, but you just make a choice at some point to move on. I have not done it so I cant say hugs SG
skywriter Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 Who was it that said, "Look deep, before you leap?"
frannie Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 If your MM leaves their W, and decided to be in a relationship with just only you, could you list reasons why he should be more loyal & faithful to you than he did with his wife in your relationship? All this stuff makes me scared to get married or enter a committed relationship. The possibility that my husband would be sleeping with another woman and carrying on another relationship is heartbreaking. And some of you know the guy is married and will help him conceal the relationship from the W. It's scary I have a good reason to worry about this though. I don't want it to happen to me I'd go the other way to some of the responses here. I think it's very wise to wonder about infidelity, to go in with your eyes open, and to believe that yes, it can happen to you. Because it can. I don't find that to be a negative, however. I think that realising that it can happen gives an incentive to get it right, find out what your partner's needs are, communicate your own, talk talk talk and put them first and expect the same from them. Of course there are no guarantees that this will prevent infidelity. But there are no guarantees at all in relationships. And certainly, doing the opposite is leaving yourself open to the 'shock' that your partner turned out to be human after all. Do you have any specific reason to wonder this about your future partner? Otherwise why ask this of those who have been APs? (affair partners). I don't know of any truth behind the 'once a cheater always a cheater' thing, but I do know that BSs are known for taking chances with proven cheaters as much as OW
Nikki Sahagin Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 Heyyyy well i'm not married nor did I have an affair with a married man. I saw my boyfriend whilst he was in a relationship for 4 months with a friend of mine. I believe he would be faithful to me because it links to the whole reason I believe we cheated. See...in my mind...we cheated because we had this mad connection...seriously mad. It was intense. It was overwhelming. I was so attracted to him on every level. I was drawn to him like a magnet. We were best friends before hand and our closeness built for a year. Then it all spilled out while he was in this 4 month relationship. He left her for me and 2 years on we are together. Do I know he isn't cheating on me? No. But how can you? Whether you're squeeky clean or bad to the bone you can potentially cheat. No-one can premediate or guarantee that. Do I live with a certain anxiety because of how we get together? Sometimes yes. I deal with it by thinking - if it happens to me, then what goes around comes around. If he cheats on me, i'll have got my just desserts. I will know how it feels to do what I did to that other person. Of course I hope to god that doesn't happen but I know I would take it as my worthy punishment. To go through what i've put someone else through (not that she knows). I also view it as - I can't regret what i've done because i've learnt something so valuable. If me and my boyfriend don't work out - I know i'd never get involved with someone who was seeing someone else again. I know how painful it is, how frustrating the waiting is, I know the rollercoaster you get onto...and how you only feel sorry for yourself and not the other person. I've been the 'other woman'. I see how it's not actually always an evil or bad thing to be. For me I was in love and idealistic. It never felt wrong what I was doing. It was just what my heart wanted. And i've learnt now that I will never do that again. You can't know that someone will be faithful to you ever regardless of whether you have deceit, lies or half-truths in your past. There is just no guarantee. All you can do is hope and see what happens. Like I said if it happens to me i'll take it as I got what I deserved and i've learnt my lesson. If it doesn't - i'll believe in why we did what we did in the first place - because we loved each other and some things at the time feel so strong that no morals, no laws, no justice, no respect for others, no foresight can stop you from doing it. You can only learn the next time around.
OWoman Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 1. Because in MC he saw how his fundamental perspective was flawed and he needed to change it and himself to have a healthy relationship with a compatible partner. I think that pretty well sums it up, for most - though in my MM's case I'd add that it involved him recognising that he was also allowed to have needs, desires and respect - and that being abused was not love. He learned to be a little more "selfish", a little less focussed on others and a lot more assertive, in IC. This enabled him to dump the toxic W and engage in a real loving relationship with a real, loving partner as an equal. He was devout, committed and faithful for more than 30 years. I have absolutely no fear of him straying - it's just not in him.
carhill Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 I'd add that it involved him recognizing that he was also allowed to have needs, desires and respect - and that being abused was not love. MC really helped with that, IME
White Flower Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 Hi MR, I think age has something to do with it as well. If the guy is a serial cheater and is young, he may not be done sewing his wild oats. If he's, say in his 60s, he may be done with all that. And I agree with GEL and Carhill. If you fear it you will probably live it. Good luck.
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