LadyCakes Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 Hello everyone, and Merry Christmas (well, as merry as it can be with all our situations!). I just wanted to log on and say I will be thinking of you all over the holidays. All of us who have found themselves tangled up with MM or xMM and all their baggage. I just wondered what all of your plans are for Xmas day etc. Will your MM be spending any of the holidays with you? What compromises have you reach, if any? How are you all feeling about what's been "agreed"? For those of you who know my situation this is what me and my boyfriend have agreed (he is now separated from his ex partner, and has a young son). Well today (Christmas eve) he is spending the whole day round there with his son and the ex. To be honest this was my suggestion as I know he wants to see his little one as much as possible over the holidays. However, this evening, after he has put his son to bed (whatever time that may be) he is coming over to mine and we are going to spend the evening together and he will stay over. Tomorrow morning (xmas day) he will be getting up stupidly early and going back round there to be there when his son wakes up and will stay there until about mid day. Then he will come over to mine, pick me up, and we will spend the rest of Christmas together at his new flat, and all of Boxing day. This is the compromise we have reached. In an ideal world he would be spending all of Christmas day with me but I understand he wants to see his son so im trying to be understanding. I'm not going to lie and say im 100% happy about it though. Not his seeing his son, its spending what is, in my opinion, the best part of Christmas day with his ex. I love the whole getting up early, all excited on Christmas day, having a nice breakfast and then opening presents etc...and that's why im upset as he will be doing all those things with his ex not me. Don't get me wrong I know im lucky that he is spending most of the day with me but im just being honest. The reason why we are now spending more time together on xmas day is because he has managed to get the day off work. Im guessing that he has told his ex that he has managed to get someone to just cover him for a few extra hours and then will be going to work around midday. He has told her he is going out with friends in the evening and I know she has given him grief over this...i.e....why are you going out with your mates instead of seeing your son on Christmas day. Obviously the reality is he is going to be with me. We have had a few rows recently about the whole situation in that im still unhappy about the following things: 1) she still does not know about me and he said that he is not going to tell her about me until the time is right. I said there wont ever be a right time, but he said there will be for him 2) even though he has his own flat now he still is spending all day round at his ex's place four days a week when he has contact. He says its because its easier. Im really not happy about this. We had a big fight the other day when I asked if he would get a tree for his flat so it looks festive for our evening together. He said that he really wasn't in a Christmas mood so couldn't be bothered. I said that it would mean a lot to be if he could be bothered, and pointed out that he had purchased a tree for his ex and son so their house would look good for their son's sake. I said "well if you can do it for your son, why cant you do it for me" and he said in not too so many words..."your not as special to me as my son". Yes it was a big fight, I was upset that he could say this. I mean I know his son must be the most important person in his life, and I want him to be, I just thought what he said was out of order and cruel. He said that in the New Year he is going to have a sit down and really think about how to make things better with contact and how im feeling about things etc..i hope we will be able to resolve things that are bothering me. Im really worried about when he is going to be round there tomorrow morning. Its Christmas so his ex will probably make an effort to look lovely, their house will all be Christmassy, his son will be there opening his presents etc and im just worried he's going to think "why have I left all this"? He has told me that his ex has been really emotional recently and is begging him to come home...im just so worried. Also this may seem like a pathetic question but I have to ask........do you think its right that my boyfriend would buy his ex a Christmas present? I don't know if he has but I am curious.....what should I make of it is he has? I think what I have learnt over the last few weeks in the run up to Christmas is that I don't want to live my life like this...sharing my partner with his ex etc. I hope that in subsequent years to come then they will share their son between them on Christmas so that they (my BF and the ex) wont actually be spending the day together. If im honest, which I always am on here, I don't want to be in relationship where I have to be without my boyfriend/husband for part of the holidays. I mean if we went on to have our own children in the future I don't think this would be fair (I would be more than happy to have his son spend xmas with us). Thoughts as always welcome...and let me know what all your plans are. Whatever they are I hope your all ok, Christmas is a really hard time hey????!!!! LC
torranceshipman Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 I dont think the main problem here is sharing your partner with your ex-I think it is something else altogether...it almost sounds like he's not doing enough with you to even warrant saying that you share him. He isnt valuing you enough-i mean, he cant even be bothered to get a tree? Whats that about? Miserable guy! If this is your first Christmas together surely he should be really trying to make it special. I think there is something else going on here-either he feels really guilty for leaving the ex and son, and is taking it out on you, or he regrets his decision to leave, or he was actually thrown out by the ex and wants her back and is trying to win her back. Think about it-he's always with them, buys them nice things, does the whole xmas deal with them, will celebrate xmas with them too (and he isnt making this effort with you)....sounds like a man who still has a big interest in keeping his foot in that particular door. I understand that he might not have told the ex about you out of sensitivity, but it might also be that he wants her back and so is keeping you a secret. Could be lots of reasons but your instinct is clearly shouting out to you that things arent right... I'd give him a big wake up call so he knows that treating you like this isnt acceptable!!
bentnotbroken Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 Sounds like to me, you are seeing the real man. Not the fantasy you had built up in your head. I really can't see why you are upset about him spending time with his son. These are times(as most parents know)that you can't get back and children(parents as well)remember a life time.
MeaganRaye Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 If a man told me that I was not as special to him as his own son, I couldn't even get mad at that honestly. He would pretty much win the argument. I'd rather him say that than say I'm not as special to another woman.
torranceshipman Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 If it was ust an issue of him saying look honey, my son comes first at Christmas, I am sure you understand-then this situation would be happy and healthy. But he doesnt really seem to care much about ladycakes at all and his actions seem disrespectful - seems there is much more going on here on a 'red flag' kind of level.
MeaganRaye Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 If it was ust an issue of him saying look honey, my son comes first at Christmas, I am sure you understand-then this situation would be happy and healthy. But he doesnt really seem to care much about ladycakes at all and his actions seem disrespectful - seems there is much more going on here on a 'red flag' kind of level. The other woman needs to know her position and play it well. you are the other woman--not the wife, you're not even officially apart of the family. You don't get the married man on the holidays. It's such a simple concept, a married man spends his quality time with his wife, and children. Why is that so hard to get? When the holidays come around, you need to be with YOUR family or get used to spending it alone.
torranceshipman Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 I agree with MEagan Raye on this one...it does seem like you are very much the OW still, even though he has told you he's left the W...it doesnt seem like he's left that situation at all, so yea, OW 'rules' probably still apply here. Sucks, but its true... Which means you are still on the rollercoaster, so if you want that to end, end it with him, say you need things to be right, get off that rollercoaster and dont take him back until he seems more ready for an honest open R with you...
frannie Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 The other woman needs to know her position and play it well. you are the other woman--not the wife, you're not even officially apart of the family. You don't get the married man on the holidays. It's such a simple concept, a married man spends his quality time with his wife, and children. Why is that so hard to get? When the holidays come around, you need to be with YOUR family or get used to spending it alone. Um. Well, because for one thing, he's not married, and for another he's moved out (or partially has!) and is supposedly now making a new life with LC, or at least planning to. In which case, he needs to be consistent in words and action with all the people in his life, as far as possible given he has a young son and a xgf who he doesn't want to hurt (this is the apparent picture, at least). LC, I think it's just too early to make a call on this, and I do think you're in danger of pushing too hard, and his angry response (ranking you below his son, which was uncalled for) is a direct result of this. I think that if it were me I'd try very hard to just back off an let him do this Christmas the way he wants to. It seems to me that the compromise you've reached is as good a one as you can get. I would try to remember it's only a few days out of the year, and this is his first Christmas trying to separate. It was never going to be easy. But doing or saying anything that makes him feel he's having to choose between you and his kid is a huge mistake. I would just try to bite my tongue, remember that he's not there to be with his ex, but to do the Santa thing, and to make the most of the time you do have with him. I know this is all too late now as it's already happened... just wondering how it all went!
whichwayisup Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 Um. Well, because for one thing, he's not married, and for another he's moved out (or partially has!) and is supposedly now making a new life with LC, or at least planning to. See below.. I posted a thread on this site about half a year ago. To sum up a very long story I became involved with a man who had a very long term girlfriend (22 years), and has a child (2 yesrs old). So what if he isn't married to his girlfriend. They ARE common-law, and have been together for 22 years!!! That is not "just" a casual relationship, 22 years is a long history together and they've built a life together. A ring not on their fingers doesn't make a difference in this situation. LC's problem is, she's competing for attention against his own son. If this guy didn't put his kid first, I would wonder WTF was wrong with him. She's setting herself up for alot of pain with her expectations of him..
frannie Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 See below.. So what if he isn't married to his girlfriend. They ARE common-law, and have been together for 22 years!!! That is not "just" a casual relationship, 22 years is a long history together and they've built a life together. A ring not on their fingers doesn't make a difference in this situation. LC's Location indicates 'London' (not sure how accurate that is of course), and there is no such thing as common-law here. I didn't comment on how 'casual' or not their relationship was. My point was that LC is not 'the OW who should know her place' as MR was suggesting, but that LC's 'M'M was actually moved into his own place as part of a separation. I have been following all of her posts, and it seemed to me from her response that MR has not, or has missed the point. Easy to do on a busy forum.
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