cherry24 Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 Hi everyone I'm a long-time lurker on these forums but this is my first post. I thought I'd write here because I really need to get some advice on what I should do. I've been seeing this guy for 5 months now and everything seems to be going great BUT he hasn't told his parents he's seeing someone or has a girlfriend, they have no idea. Thing is, he lives with his parents (to save on rent for his education) and also his older sister. He's 27 and I'm 24. Whenever I ask him why he hasn't told his family he's seeing someone he says "you don't understand my parents" and "they ask too many questions". Also, once he finishes his education (in 2 months) he'll be getting a job interstate (there are no job opportunities where we currently live but the prospects interstate are great). I think he feels like there's no point in telling his family when in 2 months he'll be gone and we'll probably break up (he keeps saying that I'll find someone else and he'll be interstate for 2-3 years or possibly forever). I think he feels like his family will think he's a jerk for hooking up with someone when he knows he has to leave. It's not possible for me to move with him, because of my study and I have a really good job where I live with fantastic prospects and it would be silly to quit. I'm open to a long-distance relationship but he's had a bad experience with long-distance before - his previous girlfriend and him went long-distance for 1 year until she found someone else and broke it off. I wasn't so upset about him not telling his family he's seeing someone at first, but now it's really upsetting me. It also means he is quite sneaky and always works late when he sees me in the evening so his family will think he's just working late. He also can't stay over my place overnight (unless it's a friday/saturday when he could make it look like he had a lot to drink and crashed at a friend's place). This of course impacts on when we see each other and for how long etc. I've thought about saying to him that he has to tell his family about me otherwise it's over, but that's like an ultimatum. But, it upsets me that I'm kept a secret like this. My whole family knows I'm seeing someone. I would understand if he didn't live with his family and didn't speak to them often, but he LIVES with them and they still don't know. What should I do? Sorry for the long post...
Frankasy Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 Hi everyone I'm a long-time lurker on these forums but this is my first post. I thought I'd write here because I really need to get some advice on what I should do. I've been seeing this guy for 5 months now and everything seems to be going great BUT he hasn't told his parents he's seeing someone or has a girlfriend, they have no idea. Thing is, he lives with his parents (to save on rent for his education) and also his older sister. He's 27 and I'm 24. Whenever I ask him why he hasn't told his family he's seeing someone he says "you don't understand my parents" and "they ask too many questions". Also, once he finishes his education (in 2 months) he'll be getting a job interstate (there are no job opportunities where we currently live but the prospects interstate are great). I think he feels like there's no point in telling his family when in 2 months he'll be gone and we'll probably break up (he keeps saying that I'll find someone else and he'll be interstate for 2-3 years or possibly forever). I think he feels like his family will think he's a jerk for hooking up with someone when he knows he has to leave. It's not possible for me to move with him, because of my study and I have a really good job where I live with fantastic prospects and it would be silly to quit. I'm open to a long-distance relationship but he's had a bad experience with long-distance before - his previous girlfriend and him went long-distance for 1 year until she found someone else and broke it off. I wasn't so upset about him not telling his family he's seeing someone at first, but now it's really upsetting me. It also means he is quite sneaky and always works late when he sees me in the evening so his family will think he's just working late. He also can't stay over my place overnight (unless it's a friday/saturday when he could make it look like he had a lot to drink and crashed at a friend's place). This of course impacts on when we see each other and for how long etc. I've thought about saying to him that he has to tell his family about me otherwise it's over, but that's like an ultimatum. But, it upsets me that I'm kept a secret like this. My whole family knows I'm seeing someone. I would understand if he didn't live with his family and didn't speak to them often, but he LIVES with them and they still don't know. What should I do? Sorry for the long post... Even though he lives with his parents due to economic reasons he still has a job and to top it all is 27. The only reason why he hasn't told his parents about you is cause he's afraid of what they'll think. I mean you're 3 years younger than him, a female(Who have a harder time finding approval from their families) and you have told your family. He's just a wuss, sorry to say it like this but I can't seem to find another word at the moment. Plus I don't see how you still stay with him when he admits that you'll find someone else and so will he. In other words he knows that you two won't be together in the future so what's the point?
rh_ju Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 perhaps he is in some way protecting you and himself, by not telling his parents. i've had unconditional love for the women i've been with, but my parents have never known about most of them. why? because my parents are technically insane ... they would immediately have a mountain of expectations, if i was to disclose any of this to them. they would have such ridiculously high hopes, that it would bear such a weight on the relationship. my mother would live precariously through it all, & cause a heavy strain on the relationship. the most important relationships i've been in are the ones that i haven't told my parents about. i don't believe it is necessarily a cowardly thing to do, as it has been a direct intention of attempting to preserve the relationship for me. it seems that there is not very clear communication with him on his reasons for choosing to live like this. perhaps it would be beneficial to explore the subject deeper with him. next time it is brought up, ask him more detailed questions when he says "you don't understand my parents", & attempt to get to the root of what his specific fears are. ask him to elaborate on this. this kind of communication is important to the continuity of any relationship. he will be likely to be willing to discuss the details with you if you approach it more from a more compassionate, understanding point of view. it may be useful not to jump to conclusions of why he doesn't want to tell them about you, until you have explored this dialogue with him. its very possible that he believes that his parents would think very highly about you, but doesn't want to tell them for a different reason. the other issue seems to be that you are unsure about the future of your relationship once he moves away. primarily, i would suggest taking one day at a time, as opposed to being pre-occupied with what might go wrong in the future. again, i believe that a clearer communication is the key to resolving this. have you brought this subject up with him at all? if not, then wait for a time when you are both feeling relaxed and content, & bring it up in an easy and gentle way. the more you can dialogue with him in a solution-based-manner, the more progress you can make in your relationship. ~good luck
BlueHarvest Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 perhaps he is in some way protecting you and himself, by not telling his parents. i've had unconditional love for the women i've been with, but my parents have never known about most of them. why? because my parents are technically insane ... they would immediately have a mountain of expectations, if i was to disclose any of this to them. they would have such ridiculously high hopes, that it would bear such a weight on the relationship. my mother would live precariously through it all, & cause a heavy strain on the relationship. the most important relationships i've been in are the ones that i haven't told my parents about. i don't believe it is necessarily a cowardly thing to do, as it has been a direct intention of attempting to preserve the relationship for me. it seems that there is not very clear communication with him on his reasons for choosing to live like this. perhaps it would be beneficial to explore the subject deeper with him. next time it is brought up, ask him more detailed questions when he says "you don't understand my parents", & attempt to get to the root of what his specific fears are. ask him to elaborate on this. this kind of communication is important to the continuity of any relationship. he will be likely to be willing to discuss the details with you if you approach it more from a more compassionate, understanding point of view. it may be useful not to jump to conclusions of why he doesn't want to tell them about you, until you have explored this dialogue with him. its very possible that he believes that his parents would think very highly about you, but doesn't want to tell them for a different reason. the other issue seems to be that you are unsure about the future of your relationship once he moves away. primarily, i would suggest taking one day at a time, as opposed to being pre-occupied with what might go wrong in the future. again, i believe that a clearer communication is the key to resolving this. have you brought this subject up with him at all? if not, then wait for a time when you are both feeling relaxed and content, & bring it up in an easy and gentle way. the more you can dialogue with him in a solution-based-manner, the more progress you can make in your relationship. ~good luck This is EXACTLY how my parents act as well. I refrain from telling them about ANY relationship I'm in for as long as possible simply because they become quite annoying with questions and expectations about how/when/who I should be dating. I'm 24 and live on my own and my mother still acts like I live with her. Frankasy...your are seriously ill-informed and I pitty you if your first thought about this guy was that he was a "Wuss" as you so eloquently put it. Grow up.
PrincessPeach Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 I agree with BlueHarvest and rh_ju Not everyone has the same positive relationship with their parents as you do.
Star Gazer Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 I'd be worried as well, for the same reasons you stated Cherry. Something very similar happened to me last year. While my then-BF said his mother knew about me, he essentially refused to let me meet her. He said, "She'd get her hopes up." Well, if we were as together as HE claimed we were, what would be so wrong about getting excited about me being around? ... UNLESS he had designs on breaking up or knew in his own gut we weren't meant to be. It's not a comfortable situation to be in. But as for you, it could be any number of reasons. I'd press him for a better answer beyond what he's giving you.
Gremio Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 cherry, I'm very confused by you. You state you won't be together for much longer, so why even bother? If it bothers you that much, just ask him bluntly? What do you have to lose? You already know the relationship will not last.
OneTwo Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 The real reason he is not telling his parents is because if he does so, the amount of effort on his part goes up greatly by having to introduce you to them, explain the where in the relationship you guys are (FWB, just dating, seriously dating, or engaged, etc), and by doing so, it will expose the truth to you. By not telling his parents, he is maintaining control. This allows him to not have to commit to the relationship. Sadly, I think you know what this means... Best of luck.
Author cherry24 Posted December 24, 2008 Author Posted December 24, 2008 Thanks for the advice everyone. I spoke to him last night about it. It was an emotional 1.5 hours of talking on the phone. When I told him that it upsets me that he keeps me a secret he gave me the same reasons he'd already told me - I don't understand his parents, they will ask too many questions. He kept saying that he doesn't understand the logic in why I want his family to know about me and why does it matter to me. I told him my reasons including that it opens the relationship up to have family know about it, and it would allow me to spend time over his place (and be opened to his world - right now it's very one-sided with us just spending time at my place). I said that if he loved me (we've already said we love each other about 6 times - at special moments) he would tell his parents. He said he just can't tell them. He said that with his last girlfriend his parents would be on his case all the time about why he wasn't spending more time studying (I don't want to say what he does, but it involves physical training that costs a lot of money and hours). I asked him what would happen if he moves away and we break up and he gets another girlfriend, would he tell his family about her? He said probably not. So I said that he'd made his choice and we can't keep seeing each other if he won't tell his parents. I said it's all in his head and he's making a bigger deal of it than it should be. The whole 1.5hr conversation on the phone was very emotional and full of tears and after I hung up he sent me a text message saying 'please don't do this'. I haven't replied. I guess it's over - if he wants to continue he will have to tell his family. He made it clear that it's not possible and he can't do it so I guess that's it
chris250 Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 I really don't see what the big deal is about why you want his parents to know about you. From his point of view he may feel it's really none of his parents business if & who he's dating. If I ever got married I probably wouldn't tell my parents about it. I would not invite them to the wedding. Hey my own father got married to my mom without telling his mom (my grandma) about it. His reason was that he didn't want to hear his mom try to talk him out of marrying my mom. I'm under no obligation whatsoever to tell my parents about my love life. It's really none of their business. If I have reason to believe that they would try to talk me out of dating a certain girl then that's all the more reason to keep them in the dark about my love life. I don't want to hear what they have to say about which girls are good for me and which ones are not. You also said that everything about your relationship is great except the fact that he won't tell his parents about you? I find that hard to believe that this issue alone warrants a breakup. I think there are more important issues in the relationship that need to be addressed. Do you really think it's worth ending a relationship over one issue alone unless there was cheating or abuse involved? He probably thinks your relationship probably won't last even if he did tell his parents about you.
510 Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 If I were in a committed relationship with someone yes I would have a problem if he were not sharing with his close friends and family about us? Honestly if he's into me its not about everyone else, but about making me feel comfortable. Doesn't matter what anyone else can tolerate, you are speaking about what you need in a relationship. If this is important to you then you need to reconsider. I would start to distance myself so much to the point that when he finally had the oppty to speak with me, he would be extending an invitation for me to meet his family. Now if he doesn't budge after my short hiatus, then its over. And stop talking about it, actions speak much louder than words.. cliche but true.
norajane Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 It also means he is quite sneaky and always works late when he sees me in the evening so his family will think he's just working late. He also can't stay over my place overnight (unless it's a friday/saturday when he could make it look like he had a lot to drink and crashed at a friend's place). This of course impacts on when we see each other and for how long etc.That would bother me. At that point, it's not just his parents who are impacted by his lying and hiding and sneaking around - it's you and your relationship. Plus, it means he's getting a lot of practice in lying and hiding and sneaking around. These are not lessons you want your bf to become expert at. Means, he could do the same to you and you'd never know, since he's so skilled at the art of lying and deception. However, he's already told you he's leaving in a couple of months and doesn't like LDR's, so you'd be breaking up then, anyway. Maybe it's not so bad to break up now before you get even more attached to him.
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