rh_ju Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 hi everyone, BRIEF HISTORY: all my intimate relationships have been separated by multiple years, because i will only pursue someone who right off the bat strikes me as a 90-95% of what i'm looking for (once getting to know the person, i can deal with some incompatibilities, but at first sight, it needs to click thoroughly). because of this, it is very exciting when someone catches my eye, and i catch their eye back, & it can be very disappointing when it doesn't work out (however, i no longer feel like my world has come to an end when this happens). these extremes are something that tends to interfere in my interactions with potentials. occasionally, i'll seek the 'one night stand', but i'm much more interested in establishing meaningful relationships than jumping in to bed with someone i've just met. CURRENT DILEMMA: i've gotten to know a girl recently who feels like such a spectacular match, who is single and shows interest. the only other time in my life i've ever felt this strong about someone was my first love. after going out with her a few times & getting to know her, she's expressed that she's been used in the past, & she has a very difficult time getting into relationships, as it seems that she is petrified of getting hurt. in some obscure way, i like the challenge. at the same time though, it bothers me quite a bit sometimes. she's expressed that she feels that i bring out the best in her, & she seems like she's interested, but for some reason, there's a wall that goes up when it reaches a point where it only makes sense to take things to the next level. she's told me more recently that there is a guy in the town she used to live in, who is relentlessly obsessed with her, and she's having trouble firmly putting her foot down and saying no to him, because he always manages to make her feel that she owes him something; that he 'needs' her. at the same time it is obvious that she's done with him, & has no desire to be with him. he calls her ten times a day, & the first time she slept over, he called every hour throughout the night, & well into the next day @ 7, 8, 9 10, 11 o'clock, because she wasn't answering her phone. when she answered finally, he told her that he will be moving here soon, & wants to move in with her. i know she can get through this, because she's all ready demonstrated a strong ability to overcome challenges in her life. however her 'indecisive' nature gets to me when i'm around her. basically i feel that whenever i try to narrow into a point where i can express my specific needs, & ask her to make a decision, the wall goes up, as though she doesn't want to be faced with the decision. i know she's able to get into relationships, because she's been in them before, but its such a struggle to get the ball rolling on this ... aaargh! can't decide if i should keep pursuing this one, or just go back to the open field. any thoughts on the matter would be appreciated ... thanks for reading~
Frankasy Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 CURRENT DILEMMA: i've gotten to know a girl recently who feels like such a spectacular match, who is single and shows interest. the only other time in my life i've ever felt this strong about someone was my first love. after going out with her a few times & getting to know her, she's expressed that she's been used in the past, & she has a very difficult time getting into relationships, as it seems that she is petrified of getting hurt. in some obscure way, i like the challenge. at the same time though, it bothers me quite a bit sometimes. she's expressed that she feels that i bring out the best in her, & she seems like she's interested, but for some reason, there's a wall that goes up when it reaches a point where it only makes sense to take things to the next level. My suggestion would be that you go and talk to this guy and that would earn you two advantages at once. The first would be that you would mark your territory meaning and knowing that it bothered you that she had been used in the past, it could happen again with this guy but this time you can prevent it. The second advantage is that you would show this girl she's told me more recently that there is a guy in the town she used to live in, who is relentlessly obsessed with her, and she's having trouble firmly putting her foot down and saying no to him, because he always manages to make her feel that she owes him something; that he 'needs' her. at the same time it is obvious that she's done with him, & has no desire to be with him. he calls her ten times a day, & the first time she slept over, he called every hour throughout the night, & well into the next day @ 7, 8, 9 10, 11 o'clock, because she wasn't answering her phone. when she answered finally, he told her that he will be moving here soon, & wants to move in with her. i know she can get through this, because she's all ready demonstrated a strong ability to overcome challenges in her life. however her 'indecisive' nature gets to me when i'm around her. basically i feel that whenever i try to narrow into a point where i can express my specific needs, & ask her to make a decision, the wall goes up, as though she doesn't want to be faced with the decision. i know she's able to get into relationships, because she's been in them before, but its such a struggle to get the ball rolling on this ... aaargh! can't decide if i should keep pursuing this one, or just go back to the open field. any thoughts on the matter would be appreciated ... thanks for reading~ From what I read I have a feeling that we're pretty much the same type of person. I like the way you think about women, it shows that you're mature. Now on your current situation, she shows interest in you and says that she doesn't want to get hurt but every time you try to show her that she won't get hurt by you, the wall pops up which I'm assuming is this other guy. My suggestion would be that you go and talk to this guy that's bothering her and that would get you two advantages at once. The first would be that you would mark your territory and knowing that it has bothered you that she's been used in the past, this guy could do the same except that this time you can prevent it from happening. The second advantage would be that you would show this girl that she's secure with you and has nothing to worry about as long as she's with you. I'm just not clear with one detail, are you guys a couple or just friends? If you're a couple and decide to follow my suggestion than be careful, just tell her that she can be safe with you but don't puss it to try and take it to the next level, it will come by itself. If you two are just friends know, let her know again that she can be safe with you and try to let her know that you want to be her boyfriend but like above, don't rush it. In both cases with you being able to pass this wall, everything will become much more easier.
Author rh_ju Posted December 24, 2008 Author Posted December 24, 2008 thanks for the response... at the moment we are affectionate friends, & i'd like to assume that 'the wall' is this obsessive guy. he doesn't live around here, but perhaps i should offer to intervene, if she'll give me his phone# or something; after all, i just want to try to reason with him, & if that doesn't work, then i would be more direct with him about what's what. i am more than willing to do whatever i can to protect her in this situation. there is a part of me however, that wants to see her put her own foot down to this guy, if she's truly done with him, as i want her to be firm & convicting in situations like this. oh well ... perhaps there's a balance there ... practice makes perfect on both of our parts.
Frankasy Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 thanks for the response... at the moment we are affectionate friends, & i'd like to assume that 'the wall' is this obsessive guy. he doesn't live around here, but perhaps i should offer to intervene, if she'll give me his phone# or something; after all, i just want to try to reason with him, & if that doesn't work, then i would be more direct with him about what's what. i am more than willing to do whatever i can to protect her in this situation. there is a part of me however, that wants to see her put her own foot down to this guy, if she's truly done with him, as i want her to be firm & convicting in situations like this. oh well ... perhaps there's a balance there ... practice makes perfect on both of our parts. You're right, I mean she's got to stand up for herself but maybe she just isn't that strong at this moment. Helping her deal with her problems will earn you even more points. Deal with this guy and afterwords let her know that you care. From there on it'll pretty much be a downhill.
BlueHarvest Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 While the intent to "protect" her from this guy is admirable. It is however....HER ISSUE. If it's to the point of him being a stalker (following her, obssessive calling, and he being QUITE CLEAR AND OBVIOUS TO THE OTHER GUY that she doesn't want anything to do with him) then you can play the role of 'Knight in Shining Armor'. If you find yourself in a "fix-er-up" relationship it can be a serious detriment to you later. Let her know that you will support her and help her in any way you can but ultimately the final decision is to get her to end the relationship, whatever it may have been with him.
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