Deception......lost in tears

[savannahblues]

This story is so long and complicated but I will try to fill in the details. Married my husband early this year. He has had a very promiscuous life. Several things bothered me but I also saw him changing. He was the one pushing the relationship and I found myself in love. He pushed away from me sexually and even after we were married. Certain circumstances came up and I recently started searching things. Come to find out several of the girls he introduced me to as friends only he has slept with. One particular girl he slept with he hooked up several times while we were dating. He cut it off. I dont know how I could have been so blinded! I told him my standards and he always turned it on me by to trust him. He wouldn't hurt me. I had to contact this girl and he continued to lie to the very end. He has begged for forgiveness and said because of his lifestyle he did what he always has. Before me he has never had a GF over 5 months. He is 38yrs old. He said it wasnt anything about her he thought he was in control and he liked the fact he could call and she would come over. I dont understand this because he called her on other occasions. She was a late night bootycall at least once a month for 4 months. He is going overboard trying to apologize and says he stopped it when he realized he loved me. I am truly torn! I feel if I stay with him I am saying I condone his behavior. I feel as if I am drowning! I do love him! I just dont know how to forgive. He swears he views marriage sacred and he will never hurt me again. How can one trust this when he looked me right in my face and lied for months?

[uptown]

Would you consider marriage counseling? Just trying to throw in ideas that might be useful...it might help sorting things out.

[savannahblues]

I have started counseling. My problem is I was married before. He cheated. I went into therapy and waited 3 years to move on. I stressed the importance of honesty and trust. Whenever I suspected anything he threw it in my face that he was not my ex and I had to learn trust.

[justaman99]

Sorry but therapy isn't an option here. This dude's a scrub and won't change. He's been this way for 38 years. He has said he'll never hurt you again and blah blah blah but he will and has and has said the same thing before. Throw a 24 year old woman in front of him at a bar with big tits and a small ass and what do you think he'll do AFTER counseling? Sorry. Find someone else.

 

-Just

[quankanne]

has he been faithful to you since y'all got hitched? Or is it the fact that he is not sexually active with you – his wife – what bothers you more?

 

it kind of sounds like he's put you on kind of pedastal because you're his spouse, and sex is too "dirty" of a thing to soil you with ... even if he's given up his horndog ways to be as faithful to you as the situation merits.

 

he's got a point about you needing to trust him ... well, in this case, at least deal with him as fresh territory, and not make him into a whipping boy over something your ex has done. It's not an easy thing to do (*raises hand*), but it MUST be done in order for this particular relationship to have a fighting chance, even when there are problems that plague said relationship.

 

once again, is he cheating on you right now, or any time during your marriage? If the answer is no, would that make a difference in how you deal with things? Or do you plan to make yourself miserable for behavior enacted well before you were married? (Not that it's to be condoned, but surely him being a faithful husband bears some weight!)

[savannahblues]

First, the last time he was with her was 3 months before we were married. Second, I asked him point blank to his face before we got married has he slept with someone after me? He answered no......he would never do that to me. He says he felt so bad after the last time thats why he broke it off. But then turned around and went to Vegas a month later and stayed an hour with a stripper. Swears he didnt sleep with her. Anyway how this came about.......he wouldnt give up his numbers and change his number after I begged him to! One night a past fling called and when I started asking questions thats when all the lies came about! Sex? He cant get enough of me now. You are right about the pedestal... well thats what he said he did. Why the change now? I am so confused! He has changed his behavior but at the cost of me losing my mind. I did trust him totally! I felt like an a++ for ever questioning him when he asked me to trust him. Something in my gutt just never felt right. I feel like Im loosing all sense of reality. I dont know what to believe anymore. He obviously would have never told me about what he did.

[justaman99]

He has you exactly where he wants you. You're confused, you're doubting yourself, you're weak and in the best possible position to give in BUT don't believe this ****. There's a reason that the phrase, "a woman's intuition" exists. Trust it and never doubt yourself again. Do the best thing you can possible and follow your gut. Ditch the dude.

 

-Just

[saturnfell]

You said you "feel like you're drowning" I think you should take some time away. Typically, if someone is not faithful to you, they will not change. People can most certainly make a mistake in life everyone does, but he would have stopped by now, picked up the pieces and showed his undying love for you. You deserve to be treated with respect. You should not be feeling this way and doubting yourself and your relationship. Relationships are supposed to be happy, with positive experiences. Of course there are bumps in the road, but for the most part, things should be positive.

 

Although you may love this man, there is someone in this world who can return the type of love you're giving, the time you're committing to recovering from this.

 

Good luck. Believe in yourself and don't settle.

[quankanne]

One night a past fling called

 

ouch. I completely understand your pain.

 

however, the reality is, he's not screwed around on you while you've been married. Do you punish him for his behavior prior to marriage long after the fact, without factoring in his fidelity, or do you stick to your pride and throw away a relationship because you feel he's a repeat of your ex?

 

it's a lot to have to figure out, but marriage throws those kinds of situations at you on a semi-regular basis. My thought is that if he's actively tried to be a good faithful husband, the other stuff – while painful – isn't as important as what y'all have together. However, I can offer up these words easily because I haven't walked in your shoes, and am not dealing with trust issues.

 

maybe it's time to get individual counseling and put whatever decisions you may have regarding your marriage on the back burner until you can more fairly assess them? Because I think a lot of what happened in your past is coming back to haunt your present relationship, and that's not fair to either of you.

 

if he's a dog through and through, his behavior will out him ... he's not even going to attempt to remain faithful. If he's serious about being married, he's not even going to attempt to cheat. However, if he feels he's being condemned for your ex-husband's actions, I guarantee he'll seek out solace and affection and attention from another woman who he believes doesn't have the hang-ups you do. And then, what could have been salvaged with a bit of faith and understanding is going to go right down the drain. Do you really want to put yourself through that again by focusing on making him pay for something your ex did?

[savannahblues]

So why now the sudden interest in sex? Until I found out I cried myself to sleep several nights trying to figure out what was wrong with me? My ex quick sleeping with me when he was cheating. My husband now when we were dating did not. He didnt even use protection. I know people make mistakes. I am trying not to compare his actions to my ex......but at least my ex respected me enough not to play Russian Roulette with my life.

[quankanne]

hon, no matter how hard you try to convince him that what you're feeling isn't related to what's happened pre-him, he's going to see it that way. Esp. if he knows that's where your mind goes when you're upset with him.

 

as for him sleeping with you, that's something only he can answer because whatever we conjecture will be miles off-target, but I'm wondering if this is his way of "proving" to you that you're the only one in his life?

 

how is the communication between the two of you otherwise? If that hussy hadn't called, would you say things were going along as well as could be for newlyweds?

 

I guess what I'm trying to get at is if there are other serious issues with the marriage but the one regarding his fidelity is what you're focusing on at this point ... again, I know it seems like this dialogue is all over the place, but I'm trying to help you get down to the nitty-gritty as to what's honestly wrong/hurting the marriage, and what's actually symptoms of the problem(s). And I appreciate you being so open and responsive to my posts when it seems like I'm trying to be Devil's Advocate!

 

hugs,

quank

[savannahblues]

I appreciate the other side...... so to speak. There were some other things after we got married but I would say pushing me away sexually hurt. I would sit down and talk to him about how it hurt me. He said I was putting to much pressure on it. It confused me because I didnt understand how someone with such a sexually history now doesnt want it. He never wanted to go out or do anything and I always stayed confused about that. Now I know its because he was afraid his past would run into us. The last time he was with her he came to see me an hour later. That I guess is driving me crazy. How could he disrespect me like that? I was waiting on him and fabricated a story that would give him an hour with her. I had put total trust in him when he said I refererred to him as my ex. Now I feel like an idiot. The signs were there and he played on my insecurities of trust and honesty. My anger is the main issue. As to behavior after we were married? He did send some girls a naked pic of him a few months after we were married. He said he was feeding his ego. I consider this a betrayal as well. He also told me that when we were first together he had a STD test. He said he was clear. Now after I found all this out I made him retest. This time I see the results. He is positive for one that you cant get rid of. How can someone think they have the power to play with someone life? I also question the fact if there was something to the girl? He says no. Do you trust that?

[UnamedSeven]

I'm really sorry to hear. To be honest, i wouldn't and don't trust anything he says. He wanted more than just one person in his life (you) and he was willing to betray you, to get what he wanted.

 

I cant really help out too much more. All i know is that if HE is not willing to stop the pain that HE is causing you, then its time to leave. Trust me, this can make a difference between you being able to leave your love, or to ever love again.

[quankanne]

ah ... I think I understand your pain and anger much better now.

 

what Seven says sounds true of him, and how he sees you: He wants you (because you possibly represent an ideal) and will do anything to get you, even hurt/betray you. Coupled with the fact that you've been through that bullpoop before and his player mentality, it makes for a messy relationship.

 

have you two thought about marriage counseling to help y'all repair the relationship? It might go a long way towards helping him understand the "rules" of being in a relationship, and the thought that it's no longer "me" and "other person," but "we/us" ...

[savannahblues]

He said he didnt think counseling would help him. He doesnt open up with people and he said it would be a waste of time. I swear i want to believe that he is truly sorry for what he did. I really do! Its like I have an angel and a devil sitting on my shoulder. The angel...he's showing signs of remorse he does understand what he did. The devil......get out! He played me before and he knows what to say now. I do come from the ol times. Stand by your man! If the woman cant keep her husband then its her fault. I have grown from my last divorce. That one almost killed me. I stepped out on the ledge not healed and so strong as I thought I was. I was fooled! Its almost as if he was two steps in front of me. He has admitted I met him at a wild time in his life. He knew I was the real deal so to speak and he didnt want to loose me. He was changing and he never thought I would find out anything. I am his age and he was my 4th person intimately. He said how I am scared him but I was the first person that he met that he knew I was marriage material. So Im marriage material but the cat can play? Running out and finding a new love is not so easy for me. I feel trapped! Mostly because I feel he trapped me in this marriage. He didnt let me decide if I loved him enough to forgive what he has done. Instead he married me under a lie and now I feel I will never know. I know I talk in circles but thats where my thoughts are.

[savannahblues]

I really need this question answered. Can a man just have sex with someone and not get emotionally attached? I have looked at the phone records. If she was just a booty call as he said and it was easy because he didnt have to put work in it. Then...why call? Why have friend phone calls? I know this doesnt make sense but it does to me how I am trying to rationalize it. If men can detach and it really mean nothing then I have to look at things that way. If he was playing both ends then I am more an idiot than I already look.

[Adri Ana]

I really need this question answered. Can a man just have sex with someone and not get emotionally attached? I have looked at the phone records. If she was just a booty call as he said and it was easy because he didnt have to put work in it. Then...why call? Why have friend phone calls? I know this doesnt make sense but it does to me how I am trying to rationalize it. If men can detach and it really mean nothing then I have to look at things that way. If he was playing both ends then I am more an idiot than I already look.

 

 

 

I believe in two types of men :

 

1- One type will make sex only when some feeling is there .

 

 

2- Another type is just about fun when the matters come to sex ,and they do have sex with all kinds of girls just to taste all of them .

If your H is such , then you will get respect and all those 'sweety sweet' words from him , while he will have sex with different women and you will never know that ,as he knows now that it makes u wild .

 

 

 

I have a feeling , he is the second type .

 

You just may give him some time .. just to see yourself his behavior ..

but what sucks mostly here - is his deceptive nature .

A lier will never change himself .

[Frankasy]

Your situation kinda sounds like Ben Stiller's movie "Along came Polly". His wife cheated on him on their honeymoon and he left her, I don't see why you can't leave him. I would have to say that you two rushed things up by getting married cause not realizing that your bf at that time went with others is a mistake by you. That's the good thing about relationships, you can get out of them or in one in seconds while marriage is a different thing. Even if one side has one or a few stains in his relationship it isn't the end of the world but when 2 people get married it's supposed that they have no stains if you see where I'm trying to lead you.

[savannahblues]

He worked out of town and because of my job every other weekend he had one night to himself. I did notice some things and I confronted him. It was always thrown in my face that I needed to trust him. I know its my fault. However, as God as my witness I would have swore up and down and put my life on it that he was faithful to me. We spent every weekend together and I didnt see how it was possible, But I guess it was. Thats what is so hard. Just get out? For better or worse? I took those vows and I am struggling with that. His remorseful behavior......one of whom who got caught? Or trust that he is because he did break it off on his own and dropped all contact. She was pissed because she didnt know I existed. But she is such that I dont think it would have mattered.

[quankanne]

He said he didnt think counseling would help him. He doesnt open up with people and he said it would be a waste of time. I swear i want to believe that he is truly sorry for what he did.

 

bullxht. When you love someone, you will do whatever it is that needs to be done to make that person understand the depth of your love ... even if it's doing touchy-feely crap like counseling (which is how most guys view counseling). You give of yourself because you understand it's for a good cause, so to speak.

 

as for the other question you had about someone just having sex and not getting emotionally attached, the answer is yes ... when you don't value your relationship with your spouse/SO *or* the person you're screwing just because you can screw them.

 

at which point, I believe I owe you a sincere apology, Savannah ~ I thought you might have posted out of sheer frustration and anger over an isolated incident, but the more you share, the more obvious it becomes that this guy has some serious respect/boundary issues that are hurting your marriage.

[savannahblues]

Thank you for the apology. No harm done. Sometimes I wish I could be so petty to just vent, get revenge, do anything so to speak. It is not my nature. My heart and my care for others has always bit me in the butt. But I am who I am because of it. I know I am oblivious to the world around me because I try to see the good in people. I even apologized to the girl he slept with while with me for harboring hatred in my heart. I asked the question about sex because he said he could make himself not think about anything. He said he was scared of loosing his ol ways and habits and thought I was changing him. But I never tried! I was myself true and true. He changed. Now his lies has caught up with him. He swears the last time he was with her he realized he was screwing up. Thats why he came to see me the same night. I knew something was off looking back. But I am not one to keep pushing for an answer. Now I want answers! I feel I deserve them! I must be doing something wrong and I dont know what? You are right if he was sleeping with her then he obviously didnt care about me or respect me. He says just the opposite. I have really seen him try and when I said I need to move on because I am loosing myself he is sincerely trying to mend the hurt. I am angry dont get me wrong. I dont understand how people can be so cruel! I appreciate your responses. It keeps things balanced if that makes any sense? You quoted yourself as the Devils Advocate. Not at all. I enetered this forum for help. I am truly trying to understand his actions. He said sex he can control the person. With me he never wanted to or tried. I have found several tapes before we were married of him and others. He is a different person. I guess that what makes things harder. One of the tapes it was made while we were dating with the same girl. Its harder to forget and forgive when reality you saw with your own eyes. I do love my husband. But is love enough?

[savannahblues]

And..thinking back he always questioned me how I could love someone like him because of his past? I couldnt judge him for his past just what I saw and him now. I didnt know he carried into our future so to speak. He always used drugs and alcohol to have sex. Not with me. He said he had to learn to be with me and learn to make love. I guess I question that. Is it true one has to learn love? Thats what I mean by he was changing. I never watched a porn in my life and I was offended at one time that he wanted to turn one on. Can someone change? Is it for real? If he trying to be the man I thought I married amd I right to give up on him? Can love get us through this? Can I forgive the deception and accept his remorse? These are things I ask myself. Its so fresh in my mind now because this all took place last year at the same time. How could I be so blind? Either I am an idiot in love that had blinders on or he is that smooth. I have been watching him. He cant eat, sleep, and walks around as if he is lost. We spent time with my family and he made the comment that he couldnt believe that everyone in my family was like me. The same morals and standards and love and concern of others. My heart bleeds for him because I feel he is just as lost. But am I strong enough to heal along with him? Did he really have a warped way about woman and he didnt trust my love for him? When this all came out he even called his mom over and told the whole truth. Everything he has done. She cried and couldnt believe she didnt know his ways. He did do this as a way of showing me he loves me. His mom has asked me to stop digging to please give him a chance. My heart is bleeding my soul is dying and I dont know what to do. As I said I have started counseling. I know I have to heal myself before I can do anything else. He wants to start fresh! He has said divorce me, and he would prove himself. He will show he loves me and he would marry me again. The thing is the trust is gone. His friends he has given up on his own doing. His actions is one that is trying like crazy to fix things. But I guess I am so confused that I dont know if I can beleive anything anymore because I was snowed.

[quankanne]

it kind of sounds like he cannot believe that someone as good and kind and loving as you can love someone as "bad" as him. At which point I wonder if the question is do you want to keep on seeing the good in him and hope that he becomes the man you know he is, or do you cut your losses? I can see both ways as the answer ... however, if he's changing of his own accord, that's a HUGE positive sign because people don't just do that when they don't believe.

 

if he would only just say he'd go to counseling, it'd be a huge leap of faith for your marriage