Reinforcing NC Rule

[paperchase]

I understand that NC means just that. Got it. But when the texts and emails start coming in from the ex, it can get difficult to ignore them -- especially if you haven't explained your silence. I know the reason for silence should be self evident, but still.....

 

After receiving a text which pleads for a response or contains more manipulative BS about loving you, yet doesn't say the magic words (i.e., I want you back and I'll do what it takes to work things out), can you reply with something to the effect of:

 

"why are you texting me? U called it quits and I'm moving on. Please respect my need for space. Thx."

 

Does that totally defeat the NC rule? Obviously, we are all looking for excuses to communicate, but I would think that kind of message reinforces the rule. It's sending the same message as going dark, but it's driving the nail in the coffin. Kinda like some of the mean things our ex may have said in parting after we got desperate in our pursuit of the relationship.

 

Thoughts?

[Joker77]

I understand that NC means just that. Got it. But when the texts and emails start coming in from the ex, it can get difficult to ignore them -- especially if you haven't explained your silence. I know the reason for silence should be self evident, but still.....

 

After receiving a text which pleads for a response or contains more manipulative BS about loving you, yet doesn't say the magic words (i.e., I want you back and I'll do what it takes to work things out), can you reply with something to the effect of:

 

"why are you texting me? U called it quits and I'm moving on. Please respect my need for space. Thx."

 

Does that totally defeat the NC rule? Obviously, we are all looking for excuses to communicate, but I would think that kind of message reinforces the rule. It's sending the same message as going dark, but it's driving the nail in the coffin. Kinda like some of the mean things our ex may have said in parting after we got desperate in our pursuit of the relationship.

 

Thoughts?

 

I don't know the history of your relationship, but all I can say is be very careful. If she is wanting to talk to you, then by all means do what you feel is right. BUT.....don't go back into it jumping head first. You talk about things first and make yourself scarce. Otherwise you'll be back in the same boat you were in.

[Gere51]

Just don't respond and keep them guessing. I know it sounds like a game, but this will make them understand that you mean business and that they mean nothing to you anymore. Anyone that contacts another after breaking it off is self-centered and not worth your time.

[2sure]

You told her you wanted NC, and surely she knows why. If you really feel you have been unclear I suppose you could call her and tell her :

 

We both need to step away from each other and re-evaluate our relationship and needs. Please don't text me or call me, let me call you when I am ready. While our feelings for each other are real, there are other factors to consider. Take care.

 

But you know, NC is NC. It works because...there is no contact.

[paperchase]

I never told her I was going dark. I sent a goodbye letter of sorts which in essence acknowledged her decision, confirmed that she made good points and indicated it was best that we moved on. Then I implemented NC. She responded to the letter and has been texting me sporadically since with increasing desperation.

 

I admittedly am using NC at this point with some hope of reconciliation, although it is also preparing me to move on. I'm working on a post regarding the use of NC for the former purpose which is I know is not recommended in this forum.

[EmperorR]

Trust me if she really wants you back nothing will stop her, pride nothing. Just ignore and delete the texts, actions speak louder than words.

[paperchase]

I have been reading and thinking a lot about NC. I have accepted much of what I have read and drawn a few conclusions of my own which are yet to be tested. To the extent the the purpose of NC is to win your ex back -- something I know is strongly advised against -- the thinking is that the silence must not be broken until the ex breaks it. I agree with this wholeheartedly.

 

The next question asked by most, is what constitutes a sufficient communication from your ex to justify breaking the silence. This is difficult and highly fact specific. In short, however, I think that ideally one needs and unequivocal communication stating two important things: (1) that they want to be in a committed relationship with you again and (2) that they are willing to do whatever is necessary to make it work. Anything short of that is likely bread crumbs, as stated by fellow poster samspade, or fool's gold. You go for the bait and you stand a very good chance of losing all leverage and winding up right back where you started.

 

There are all types of communications that may come from your ex once you give them the silent treatment. Most of them are manipulative. They may include little meaningless unnecessary text messages, or they may rise to the level of statements indicating they miss you or they are sorry. If you get no communication after going dark, you better start doing NC for yourself fast. You better abandon the false hope. Chances are if your mate hasn't reached out, they are happy you pulled yourself together and stopped acting so desperate. They are hoping you have moved on...so move on.

 

But waiting on what I like to call the "Magic Words" or the smoking gun is hard. We don't want the glove that doesn't fit; we want the murder weapon. They quit us, so we want them to ask for us back, and anything short of that DEFINITELY puts us in harm's way if we break the silence. Once they see our cards, we are no longer in a position of strength. Our bluff has been called. That's the risk. On the flip side, we worry that the no contact method could backfire -- especially if they are saying things just shy of the magic words we want to hear.

 

Yes, the problem lies in the prospect that our relationship might be reconcilable, yet our ex might not ever utter the magic words. Maybe they don't know what the words are. Maybe to them, saying sorry is enough. Maybe their pride won't let them go any further without some form of reciprocation. Unlikely, but it remains a possibility. The counter argument is that if they really want you back, they will move heaven and earth to make it so. They will shout if from the highest mountain top. But maybe they think they moved heaven and earth by reaching out and saying how much they miss you in the face of the silent treatment you have imposed.

 

A fundamental tenant to any healthy relationship is that it takes two. They quit you. You imposed silence. They reached out and now you won't play ball. I'm just being devil's advocate here, but by expecting them to utter the magic words and give you the key to the castle, aren't we expecting a little too much. Yes, they hurt us and, yes, any reconciliation should happen on our terms, but we've shut them out so they don't know what we are thinking.

 

Aside from when or whether to breack NC, there's the issue of how it should be broken. I'll save that discussion, and a more comprehensive analysis of using NC to win back your ex, for a separate thread at a later time. I'm still doing due dilligence, and in no way consider myself an expert on the matter.

 

I know I raised more questions than I answered, but I'm really trying to do some critical thinking on the subject. I hope to make a contribution to this forum from which I have taken so much lately.

 

Thanks everyone.

[ohlala147]

Paperchase - excellent post.

 

Yours has been the most insightful analysis into nc that I have read thus far. I need to hear the rest of what you had to say. Please post again! And to this thread, if possible, so that I can find it.

 

Thanks for the words of wisdom!

 

-ohlala

[samspade]

Does that totally defeat the NC rule? Obviously, we are all looking for excuses to communicate, but I would think that kind of message reinforces the rule. It's sending the same message as going dark, but it's driving the nail in the coffin. Kinda like some of the mean things our ex may have said in parting after we got desperate in our pursuit of the relationship.

 

If you send a "nail in the coffin" it will only open up the coffin and let the corpse out. You seem to be aware of the answer to your questions here and are hoping someone will give you a minority opinion that you should be breaking NC. Please, trust us on this...the only way for you to break even is to stay with NC. Otherwise, with every communique you send, a piece of your dignity goes along with it.

 

The next question asked by most, is what constitutes a sufficient communication from your ex to justify breaking the silence. This is difficult and highly fact specific. In short, however, I think that ideally one needs and unequivocal communication stating two important things: (1) that they want to be in a committed relationship with you again and (2) that they are willing to do whatever is necessary to make it work. Anything short of that is likely bread crumbs, as stated by fellow poster samspade, or fool's gold. You go for the bait and you stand a very good chance of losing all leverage and winding up right back where you started.

 

Exactly. Imagine someone throwing herself at the mercy of the court, like in those old movies. She should be on her knees begging for you.

 

Paperchase, so many posters think, "Well, my ex is shy...maybe she doesn't know how..." But they are grasping at straws. Shy goes out the window when you truly want someone back. It's common for people to find any little ray of light that makes their situation "unique," but these variables mean very, very little. Stay the course.

[paperchase]

samspade:

 

I really don't know all the answers or I wouldn't be struggling over these decisions, but I do see the wisdom in going NC. I haven't heard many NC success stories. Well, I take that back. I haven't heard many stories where NC resulted in long term reconciliation. That might be a function of people not sticking to the script; it might be because many of the relationships were irreparable; it could also simply be that many of our ex's have no regrets about their decision. Still, however, the dearth of success stories is troubling. It is what inherently calls the process into question.

 

I like your analogy about someone throwing themselves at the court. I mean you threw yourselves at their mercy when they dumped you, right? But when you guys met, did they ask you out, did they beg for a chance to be your girl? Also, they just saw you act desperate and they know how ineffective it is? Unless you caught them cheating, I'm not sure NC is enough for them to throw ALL caution into the wind. But I agree that they need to throw all caution into the wind to minimize the risk you expose yourself to when/if you decide to break NC.

 

I like all of your insight here. I think it is geared to really protect the broken-hearted and, therefore, it should be taken to heart. But clearly you are a skeptic, and for good reason. The overwhelming evidence supports your skepticism. At the sime time, could that skepticism have caused you to be overly rigid in how you view NC as a tool? Just asking, because I'd like to hear what you might say if forced to reconsider, or argue against, some of your bright line rules.

[samspade]

At the sime time, could that skepticism have caused you to be overly rigid in how you view NC as a tool? Just asking, because I'd like to hear what you might say if forced to reconsider, or argue against, some of your bright line rules.

 

That is a fair question.

 

Let's remember, firstly, that NC is only a tool for you - and not for getting anyone back. I don't think you have to be a skeptic to opt for the easiest path to recovery.

 

Yes, I am a skeptic. Some people falsely equate skepticism with cynicism. Hey, I've been in love. I know what it's like when someone gives of themselves selflessly, or when they tell you something and actually mean it. You'd turn into a modern-day Dick Nixon if you thought everyone at every time was angling to hurt you. The skepticism comes with the circumstances - this person left me, now she wants to come back...why? Is she being forthright?

 

Lastly - and this is very important - being a skeptic and using NC when necessary is much easier when you realize that there is not just one person out there for you. Yeah, losing a girlfriend sucks, and for a while it seems like it just isn't right...but if you take a look around, you realize there are potential "soul mates" crawling around the world like ants on a hill. If your ex decided you were expendable, you need to take the like attitude that she is replaceable. That may sound cold, at first blush, but think about it: You're a great guy, a lot of women would kill to go out with you...do them and yourself a favor and see what's out there. It's your ex's loss! In this regard, NC will keep you from wasting time and energy on being miserable and hoping she'll come back...it will set you on the path to independence from worrying whether your life is complete or not with a woman by your side. And I can't overstate how important not giving a damn is to women, because it shows you have a life worth being a part of.

[BikerBeagle]

If your ex decided you were expendable, you need to take the like attitude that she is replaceable.

That would make a great signature quote!

[Weezy]

Paperchase, What did you decide?

 

I've gotten a phone call on Monday and now a text message wishing me and my family a merry xmas.. Not sure if I should respond or not..

[paperchase]

I decided to remain silent. I've received more texts and phone calls from her which has made it difficult. I've eased off my position of needing the magic words to break the silence, however. For me, it's a matter of tone. I construe all of her messages as being selfish and manipulative. Everything is about the way she's feeling, her missing me, her hating herself for hurting me, her coping with being ignored. So the goal for her is to get some attention, but that doesn't help me. I need her to sound less selfish of more selfless. If I call her based on her communications to date, I'm basically letting her off the hook. Making her feel better. Easing her guilt. More likely than not, although I'm in denial, as soon as I appease her need for attention, she'll reiterate how tough it is to leave me...and then proceed to do just that.

 

P.S. -- I got the X-mas call with no message left. then a subsequent call 1 minute later from her mom's phone. then a text message from her saying her mom called and I didn't answer... "oh well" she states. Midnight x-mas eve before all of this I got the "Merry Christmas Scrooge" message. She's trying all sorts of techniques to get me to talk, but I keep asking myself what are her motives. They just don't seem genuine.

[samspade]

Stay strong, PC. By the way, I think it's ridiculous that she's now enlisted her mother in her little game.

 

Just remember, with every text/call you get, that she had her "epiphany" and decided to leave you, and when you begged and pleaded with her, she stuck to her decision. So now should you!

[mmk1]

Sam Spade, advice please. My ex who dumped me and I have communicated and tried to be "friends" for the past four months after a three year relationship. She drunk dialed me last Friday which I took as a signal that she did want to reconcile. She later told me a mutual friend suggested she should call me, which the other friend told me was a lie.

 

I took this as a signal and when we saw each other Monday, she rejected my attempt to be more than friends and got pissed, then sending me a huge long email on how I betrayed her trust and hurt her. The email, of course, focused on her pain rather than mine from her not wanting to take me back.

 

Can I just go NC without telling her or explaining why this isn't going to work for me or do I need to tell her why? I do see her sporactically in my business (1-2x month). In other words, do I owe her explanation before NC. Thanks!

[paperchase]

I know you didn't ask for my advice, but under the circumstances I don't believe you owe her an explanation before going NC. Your reasons should be self evident after her latest stunt and email. Generally, I believe that your ex should know why you are going NC. You don't have to tell them explicitly, but it shouldn't be mind-boggling to them. If you just do it for no reason, it can look like a game. But if you do it once they close the door on you relationship, it can serve as more of a wake up call. Having said that, I defer to the more seasoned posters here.

[samspade]

Can I just go NC without telling her or explaining why this isn't going to work for me or do I need to tell her why? I do see her sporactically in my business (1-2x month). In other words, do I owe her explanation before NC. Thanks!

 

I'm going to disagree, slightly, with paperchase. You don't owe her any explanation. She thinks you betrayed her trust and hurt her? Please!

 

She's pushed you away twice, now, so it's your prerogative to go away silently. If it boggles her mind, that's her problem, not yours. And it doesn't matter if it looks like a game or not, you're doing it for YOUR sake. Now, if you see her on a professional level, be cordial and professional, and have a smile on your face, but keep it brief.

 

Remember, if someone tells you they do not want to be with you, then you don't owe them ANYTHING. Trying to be "friends" is just the dumper's way of easing their remorse. Unless you can truly handle being platonic, don't attempt it...just walk away.

[mmk1]

PC and Sam, thank you for the imput! The email Wednesday was about 3 pages long and clearly repeated that in no way did she want me back as anything but a friend, but she really valued my friendship. This, for me, is wanting all the benefits of our relationship without the emotional responsibilities and imitimacy that I need, which strikes me as selfish and ignores my pain. This is meeting whatever her needs are, not mine.

 

I can accept that the relationship is over; I simply can't handle being around her as friends knowing that I cannot have the physical connection anymore. I would prefer just to go NC without any more back and forth. I really appreciate your answers!!

[Posco_Proudfoot]

I decided to remain silent. I've received more texts and phone calls from her which has made it difficult. I've eased off my position of needing the magic words to break the silence, however. For me, it's a matter of tone. I construe all of her messages as being selfish and manipulative. Everything is about the way she's feeling, her missing me, her hating herself for hurting me, her coping with being ignored. So the goal for her is to get some attention, but that doesn't help me.

It also sounds like she is being selfish because she is using you as an emotional tampon. She feels bad and wants to talk to you so SHE will feel better. It is about her and not about you in cases like this.

[paperchase]

I broke the silence and you folks were right. She is selfish. The problem is I don't think she realizes it at 22. I believe she is genuinely confused. She said she loves, she wants we we had, she needs me, she doesn't know what to do without me, she thinks we are perfect for each other, etc. I asked her what she would do differently, how would things be different, and she didn't know. She said she would work on herself and then fight to get me back once she was better. I made it clear that I have moved, and am moving, on.

 

She spoke of all the problems in her life and the things she is going through. She spoke about how much she just needed to hear my voice and be in my arms. She talked about how the one person she could count on turned his back on her. That would be me. But she dumped me. She talked about how she's scared I'll never look at her the same. She's putting up road blocks all on her own. I asked her if there was anything I could have done differently. I know dumb questions. She said I could have been more romantic. That is puzzling. I'm sitting there thinking how much I love this girl and why is she acting like I left her and don't want to be with her. Everything I said in the conversation that even suggested we might not make it caused her to retreat and take a defeatest attitude. It was as if she wanted me to pursue her. But I refused and so it was a stale mate of sorts.

 

So breaking the silence resulted in nothing beneficial to me. Essentially she got to hear my voice, see a few of my cards which I tried to hold close to the vest, and reiterate her confusion. So in a sense I'm mad. I got to hear a few things I liked, but I really didn't need to hear them. Now I can't really do NC because the lines of communication are open...at least without some explanation. So I guess I screwed up, huh? I'm not too made because I'm starting to believe that we might not be compatible and the NC did prepare me for the prospect of being without her...still, any advice would be appreciated.

 

 

P.S. -- for those who have been following this saga, when she wrote me the email about being there for me on x-mas eve to wrap presents for my kids, she was so distraught by my not replying that she drove 680 miles late X-mas eve to go see her mother.

 

P.P.S -- please be easy on me. I'm a little ashamed and disappointed in myself. I know it was dumb to call, so I'm looking for advice going forward.

[samspade]

Hey man, don't beat yourself up over it. You slipped. But it sounds like you were firm in your dealing with her. Asking what you could have done differently was a mistake, but overall it sounds like you handled it well, at least based on your post.

 

But you are right - she probably wants YOU to be the one to lower yourself and come after her. And you held firm and didn't supplicate.

 

That doesn't mean you can't go NC again, however. You should.

[Weezy]

I don't think all is lost.. If she's saying all those things, she is still very emotionally invested in you. You must return to NC for your sake. I don't think you need to tell her either.

 

It's pretty obvious that you were reading the situation perfectly the entire time, sounds like you just had a weak moment, which we all have.

 

If your interested in how I think you could have improved the situation, I think asking questions about how you could have made it better gave her all the power she was looking for. She has seen your cards. If you were going to break NC, the best way would have been to wait for another call, answer it, and just let her talk and just stick to the I'm moving on card until she cracked. But that is way easier said then done. Whatever you do moving forward, don't bring up the relationship with her ever again unless she does, and even at that, no questions, only answers of you're moving on and it's probably for the best.

 

I got a "Merry Xmas, hope it's wonderful and that you have a great time with your parents" txt from my ex yesterday and I did respond, with a "You too" just so I wasn't being rude, but still not showing my cards.. What do ya think about that?

[samspade]

I got a "Merry Xmas, hope it's wonderful and that you have a great time with your parents" txt from my ex yesterday and I did respond, with a "You too" just so I wasn't being rude, but still not showing my cards.. What do ya think about that?

 

In my opinion, it's always better to stay silent. At the very least, tell yourself you wont' respond for two days, so you can clear your mind. By then, you'll probably opt not to respond. Always err on the side of patience.

 

The thing is, and I'm not criticizing you, you see a lot of people here using excuses like "I didn't want to be rude," or, "Just so there is no confusion," or, "It's Christmas," or, "It's her birthday," or, "she just lost her job." Bull. These are excuses to cheat on your own rules. I know because I've been there as well. Replying "you too" isn't SO bad, but after I would say something like that - no matter how insignificant - I always wish I had just stayed quiet.

 

There's been a lot of talk about showing cards, and keeping them close to the vest, and waiting to hear the right words. Let's not forget that this isn't some convoluted poker game you are playing. When you go no contact with your ex, it's so YOU can move on - not so you can get her back, or embarrass her, or get some kind of revenge on her. None of those motives will serve YOUR recovery. Now, I urge anyone reading this to put all that out of your mind and stop ANALYZING every little word because it's not doing you any good!

 

You know what I did? A few weeks after my last breakup, I got tired of analyzing my ex's friendly little messages and attempts to be chummy, and I blocked her from instant message, stopped returning her emails, and stopped returning her texts. I deleted her number from my phone. She got the message, I moved on, life got a lot easier, and I met other girls and forgot what ever attracted me to her in the first place.

[paperchase]

Hey man, don't beat yourself up over it. You slipped. But it sounds like you were firm in your dealing with her. Asking what you could have done differently was a mistake, but overall it sounds like you handled it well, at least based on your post.

 

But you are right - she probably wants YOU to be the one to lower yourself and come after her. And you held firm and didn't supplicate.

 

That doesn't mean you can't go NC again, however. You should.

 

The more I replay the conversation we had, the more upset I am that I broke NC. I feel like the power dynamic shifted because she got what she wanted: to make me break the silence and to find out if I still cared. Now I'm pining again and she hasn't called back in almost 24 hours. Breaking NC makes trying NC again even more difficult. It definitely weakened me.

 

I'm not sure lowering myself would do the trick either. It might work temporarily or it might make me look weak. Also, as much as I want her back, I'm slowly realizing that she might not be the one. I want her to be the one, but things would have to change drastically for us to stand the test of time. Knowing this, however, doesn't ease the pain or make me want to be with her any less. What the heck is wrong with me?

 

Man, this sucks.