alwayssme Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 Hey guys... I feel like my whole situation with my ex has really got me screwed up in the head...point is he fell out of love...but i dont know exactly why or how that happens...if i never know my mistakes, how do i stop making them? He was a really good guy so it's weird, if someone who loved me so much and was so good to me can hurt me like this then why wouldnt someone else? Also my whole persona has changed, I went from being bubbly and happy to sarcastic and just blah...I feel sad because I no longer feel chills/butterflies/anything about life or anybody...I feel dead on the inside...I feel like I can't be myself, like I have to play games to "keep things interesting" or something...I feel like I gave my heart to somebody nd was myself with him, led on to believe he loved me and then had my heart crushed...I never want to go through this again...I just want to know how do I keep this from happening again? If I fall in love again and then the next guy falls out of love as well, I feel like I would completely give up on love...
FeedingOnFever Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 I totally understand what you mean. That is my fear too. This is the second man who's told me "I love you like a friend, but I'm no longer in love with you... but I promise you I will be here for you always." Both of them so far have fallen down on the "I'll be here for you always," promise. I think it's just a pretty phrase that sounds nice. All I can say is that being in love is better than never knowing a deep connection with anyone. Being hurt sucks so bad (I had no idea how much until now), but some small part of me still says I at least experienced it. It is hard when you don't have answers. I've discovered that my ex has given random strangers and other friends of ours more answers on why he broke up with me than he has given me. He'll probably never tell me the truth, either out of fear or wanting to keep me as a friend and not making me mad at him. I'd say that a good bet is to find a new guy who seems like a great person, but does not remind you exactly of your ex. That's setting yourself up for a repeat of the past. I tend to go for troubled guys, which has lead me nowhere. I know next time I'm going to try for someone who is still sweet, sensitive and not a stranger to hardship (for I find I can't be truly close to people who have never experienced any sort of pain), but I'm going to avoid the "troubled cases," so to speak. What kind of guy was your bf? If you start thinking about the things that seemed to work against your relationship, you can keep notes for the future, so to speak... only a suggestion, but it seems like a decent idea. (Granted I only have 2 relationships, and only 1 serious relationship to base this off of.)
Author alwayssme Posted December 25, 2008 Author Posted December 25, 2008 He was a really good guy, but kept too much inside untill he resented me I guess....I just don't know why I still love someone who doesn't love me anymore. It feels...wrong in a way? I'm getting better but still I'd be lying if I said I was over him...anyway MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Next year def. has got to be better! lol
Sandy22 Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 Baby steps.. use all the things you have learnt in that relationship to better your new one. That's about all you can do. When that one person for you comes along then he will be able to understand and deal with your flaws.
You'reasian Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 If you do the same things you've done before, you'll get the same results. Try to pinpoint any significant events in your relationship that caused things to go sour. Create a time line. Draw a line. Date it from the approximate start of your relationship to the approximate end. List the good things that happened with a tick mark and a bubble, explaining the good thing. List the bad things that happened with a different colored tick mark and bubble - inside that bubble explained what happened. Now, step outside and think of the communication that took place in those bad things. What did he say? What did you say? Was it a misscommunication? Was it a difference of core values? Was it a minor disagreement that spiraled? Then right a summary of what you will change so that you can minimize the time and coflict spent in rough patches.
orangehose Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 If you're wondering what to do to avoid ever being heartbroken again, my short answer is: nothing, really. Sure, make a note of any obvious errors you made, but don't go crazy trying to figure out what you did wrong. You probably did nothing that wrong. Ultimately, you don't have complete control over how someone feels about you. They could think you're perfect for them one day, and then down the road, their feelings or tastes have changed for reasons having nothing to do with you, and they want out. That's just the way this game works. What you CAN do, though, is keep the focus on yourself always, and don't make another person the centerpiece of your life. Understand that relationships come and go, and work hard to stay happy no matter what.
jc Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 I'm going through exactly the same thing right now and this is the second time that it has happened to me as well. In the most recent relationship, we hit it off immediately, we both felt it and talked about how grateful we were for finding each other, finally. We talked about getting married, buying a house, kids' names, everything. And then we hit a bad patch of about 2 weeks and he said it was just too hard and he didn't want to do it anymore. He wants to be on his own and not worry about having to fit someone into his life. He has blamed the bad patch entirely on me by the way, saying his own difficult behavior was only in response to my behavior. And to be honest, nothing was really that horrible in those two weeks. We were definitely more short with one another, and got into a couple of small fights, but we also hung out, watched movies, went swimming, went out for dinner, had sex. Not exactly two weeks from hell. And yet, I keep thinking about the little things I said or did that annoyed him. I'm plaguing myself with "If only I hadn't....". But when I talk to my friends about it, they all say the same thing. Their partners would not break up with them because the relationship had a hard week or two. Or because one person was angry one day. So really I can't keep blaming myself for little things. If you were honest and loving and faithful, then there really is nothing you could have done better. Because if someone really wants to be with you, they accept the bad days and bad times and want to work to make things better. Just as you probably accepted his flaws. Now if only I convince myself of everything I just said and not feel completely heartbroken and abandoned...
saturnfell Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 Unfortunately, there's no way to guarantee yourself a ticket to never having heartache and feeling pain again. I can tell you, if you should ever feel heartache again, you will be able to handle it differently. Love is one of those things we experience and take a risk agreeing to do. It's faulty and wonderful at the same time. Loving someone is a risk, but think about this: how many people have come into your life that you never gave a chance? You never gave these people a chance because you weren't willing to take that risk with them. If there's any comfort in knowing, the people who you're talking with on this forum right now, some are heartbroken as well. Some of us have fallen in love more than once and found ourselves with heartache time and time again. Your willingness to fall in love is strength as far as i'm concerned. People who allow themselves to love and risk are wonderful people who will eventually overcome. If you fear your heart turning black, it might, but it will heal and learn to feel real, true emotion again. Right now you're skeptic, but that won't last. You'll be ok.
saturnfell Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 I'm going through exactly the same thing right now and this is the second time that it has happened to me as well. In the most recent relationship, we hit it off immediately, we both felt it and talked about how grateful we were for finding each other, finally. We talked about getting married, buying a house, kids' names, everything. And then we hit a bad patch of about 2 weeks and he said it was just too hard and he didn't want to do it anymore. He wants to be on his own and not worry about having to fit someone into his life. He has blamed the bad patch entirely on me by the way, saying his own difficult behavior was only in response to my behavior. And to be honest, nothing was really that horrible in those two weeks. We were definitely more short with one another, and got into a couple of small fights, but we also hung out, watched movies, went swimming, went out for dinner, had sex. Not exactly two weeks from hell. And yet, I keep thinking about the little things I said or did that annoyed him. I'm plaguing myself with "If only I hadn't....". But when I talk to my friends about it, they all say the same thing. Their partners would not break up with them because the relationship had a hard week or two. Or because one person was angry one day. So really I can't keep blaming myself for little things. If you were honest and loving and faithful, then there really is nothing you could have done better. Because if someone really wants to be with you, they accept the bad days and bad times and want to work to make things better. Just as you probably accepted his flaws. Now if only I convince myself of everything I just said and not feel completely heartbroken and abandoned... A common reaction is to blame ourselves, but we have to remember: we did everything each day we thought was right. If you would have seen it coming, would you have changed your actions? Would you have changed your actions to save the relationship? My point is, if you're doing what you feel is right for a relationship and not something else, then you're being true to yourself. Once you start doing things out of fear, you're cheating yourself. I'm sorry each of you feel this way. Group hug!
EmperorR Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 A common reaction is to blame ourselves, but we have to remember: we did everything each day we thought was right. If you would have seen it coming, would you have changed your actions? Would you have changed your actions to save the relationship? My point is, if you're doing what you feel is right for a relationship and not something else, then you're being true to yourself. Once you start doing things out of fear, you're cheating yourself. I'm sorry each of you feel this way. Group hug! I agree, I was once like that thinking if I went on the trip with my ex then she wouldn't cheat because I would have been there, but then she probably would have cheated another time or you would have fought over something else, I did my best and there is nohting I could change.
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