I am going insane!

[californiadreaming]

So I need to vent. That is all this is, I will read your comments, and advice but I need to vent.

 

Man, I am f'n buggin out sick right now. I woke up this morning, and I just felt so horrible. I had so much negativity in my mind that I got up displaying nothing but negative actions, and have been since 6:45am and its now 10:40am.

 

So I feel like I know my ex extremely well, she has self pride, not dirty girl type at all, she is very loyal, and honest, and I have never since the break up dwelled on her being with someone else. Thank God, that until today that hasn't bothered me at all but maybe half a day.

 

My ex works in a office of nothing but men. She is the only girl in her portion of the office which is sales. There are maybe 8 men. 6 of them all old, some married, but they're old italian, big belly, hairy chest, with the cross type dudes. Not attractive to a young lady like my ex. Then their is the 2 young dudes. One is the owners soon, the other is the owners sons best friend. The owners son, who is related to more then half of the guys in the sales office, is chubby, not good looking at all. His friend is a latin dude, he is not that good looking but he is a decent looking guy. He knows spanish so does my ex so thats cool for them. - My ex has worked there for 3 yrs, over the years I have heard things but never heard her say anything until a few months back that was weird. Now, over the past few years with them working all so close they have gotten close I am sure, its only natural.

 

My ex talked about work all the time, she talked about everybody, mainly this girl who is young, and the receptionist. With that said I think that because all of this is fresh I am only focusing on the things that she said about this guy. Now, I might just be jumping the gun, but I woke up sick to my stomach thinking about this guy. and I did some crazy sh*t this morning, but wait I will get to that.

 

See, once my ex started really becoming a big part of the sales team, they would send her, this guy, the sons owner, and they're other friend who works in the warehouse to pf changs to try out they're product that they sell to them. She went like maybe 3x. I didn't trip, she'd call me right when she got to her car, hell she'd be walking out with all of the guys, and I'd hear them, " oh have a nice weekend XXXXX" - she'd reply you too guys, and talk to me til she got to me. brought me pf changs and all. But its things like her asking me to go to a Fottball game with, one of the old guys, the son of the owner, and this other guy I am speaking of. I actually told her no that night. Then one day we were out in Pasadena shopping and she said that this guy and the sons owner invited her to a ucla game. I was kinda jealous but showed no action, I said you should have gone. She said I would have if it would have been a better game or something. But she wasn't telling me to make me jealous or anything, she was just talking, and as we walked passed someone with a ucla jersey she commented. But that is not it.. the thing that bothers me is this. I had access to my ex's cell phone records when we broke up. I checked her phone bill, and there had been a call from this guy that sunday (the night before we broke up) I had turned my phone off all weekend (hence why we broke up) and I knew she had an event to work that sunday so I nver called, but when I checked the bill that Monday there was a call to this guy for 112mins. I went back a few days, and saw one like a week earlier on a school evening like 7pm but it was only for a minute or so. but somehow in the midst of us arguing, I mentioned that guy, and that she had played me for him, and she said your dumb, I said " oh you were probably with him this weekend" or something of that nature. and she was like no the guys ( the boy and the sons owner) were in Vegas.

 

We then moved on, or the first day we broke up was so messy, that I wasn't really focusing on the phone call. I was crying so much, and so was she.

 

Well one last thing that bothers me.. Is she had to get some work on her mouth done a few weeks before we broke up(she had just gotten braces a few months b4). Well she had came to stay with me because she took the day off. Well this dude called her, and asked if she was ok. - She didn't talk to him for no longer then 2 minutes. He was like oh the office is busy, and the owners son is not there so he is doing all of the work because both my ex and the owners son is not there. She wasn't like all googly.. Just like a normal friendship.

 

So with all of that said, I woke up this morning trippin. found a text to speech program, and started calling this fool. Now my ex doesn't know I have his number. But I called this fool up like 8 times. I didn't say anything that would lead him to believe it was me. I was just saying a bunch of jibberish that in my mind I knew what I was saying but to him, made no sense.

 

The thing that killed me was I called a few times, and my ex answered, and was like wtf is this. I can hear the receptionist, and my ex laughing.. I don't take it that serious because I know they are all peers, and it was proabbly funny to them. But the last time I called this guy tried to get all brave, and I said that time " You should stop having your girlfriend" get on the phone for you, and he was like "ha - my girlfriend" like giggiling. - and honestly it pissed me off. See where I am from I'd go woop that dudes a** , and I was tempted thats why I had to vent.

 

I then sent my ex a email because I got a letter about the car, and she emailed me back, and seemed normal. So I don't suspect that they think its me.

 

ps.s.s

 

to top it off, my ex knows that dating someone at work is trouble, and she spoke of it b4 she worked at this office, and recently because the receptionist tried to date a customer. at the same time my ex hates the music that this guy is into, she laughs at how he dresses, and never made me feel like he was any threat. if i know my ex he is not her type, aT ALL!

 

idunno man I am just mixed and mashed up with emotions. I wanna know if she is seeing this dude or not. Or am I just jumping the gun on what can be a simple friendship. idunno but I am either about to blow it for good, or sit here up tight all day!

[californiadreaming]

See these guys use to invite "US" as a couple. But because I was so anti-social I never wanted to go. My ex knew that if anyone invited us anywhere I was 90% not going to go. so these invites probably were extended to me too.. My ex just never mentioned me because she already knew.

[californiadreaming]

she just emailed and asked if I had been contacting her co-workers.

[Dmoney28]

Ok, now i know more than ever you must be my long lost brother....dude i think we were both adopted or you're my bizzaro world twin. Ok, before i get into a legnthy response...let me tell you about my delema. i was and am in a similar situation. I know my ex really well, my parents and friends know her well enough that she dosent sleep around and she dosent hook up with guys, she looks at personality before good looks. She has dated models and pretty boys, and she just dosent really like them. My ex is a Fine...i mean Fine...woman...with a body that wont stop. All my "friends" at one time tried to hit on her....at which i had to check them with extreme predjudice. My own Dr in the hospital, was like wow, she's really pretty.

 

 

Situation 1. three weeks after the break up she goes up north for work and to visit friends. She goes out with them clubbing...and guess who's there...the offensive line from the raiders...yeah. She calls me and tells me all about it .."i got approached by several raiders asking me to dance...but because i still felt like were together i didnt." " one guy with huge arms picked me up like i was a feather when he "accidently" knocked me down." I felt about the size of a ant. BUT i didnt get jealous.

 

Situation 2. She sends me a txt. "i cut my grass today ( i dont do it anymore...well, you know..were not together ), the neighbor came out and said "nothing sexier than a fine women doing yardwork".."it made me smile"..this guys is like 45, married with kids and looks like a Jimmy Walker on crack...i simply replied "im glad you are smiling more, and nice job with the yard"

 

Situation 3. This is what still bothers me. She tricked me to going to her myspace page. I have been like a zen master avoiding the evils of looking at her myspace. So i was like what the hell, i look for the message she sent me. What do i see.... @$$ shots of her in baby fat jeans. Guy friends in her network. Guys comminting on her pics....yeah, i was pissed. We talked about it the next day. i was like, "dude, i cant be talking to you still if you're out there like that"...she replied that it was a front, to raise her self esteem ( yes i did cheat on her, believe me i have gotten help and couselling for the past 4 months, i realized im wrong for that). Her trust in men in general was shattered by actions. She tried to get me a response from me...mission accomplished.

 

oh yeah, did i mention that i'm laid off from work, and loss 30 pounds due to extreme stress and this breakup...yeaahhh, i feel like a winner compared to a raiders running back, lol....LOL, you just got to laugh sometimes.

 

She said she was single, and they were only friends, and she dosent live her life through myspace and she dosent owe me a explanation. And got upset when i said we cant talk anymore if you're talking to other guys....but she said something that hit home..."what you did to me, is nothing compared to what i did, im trying to forgive you and keep the door open in the future for us....stop being controlling. And i was 1. humbled...2.speechles. I couldnt say ish...she was 100% right on everything. So i apologized, and emotionally prepared myself for the fact that she is very attractive and has had, is having and will have guys constantly hitting on her....and i had to go NC, which is still kinda hard. All i got going for me is she still cares alot for me, still tries to contact me regularly, afraid to cut me off and her last txt saying how proud of me she was that i descided to go to trade school to get a nice paying job. So my friend...cali bro...if i can handle that, you are golden. But i'm telling you righ tnow...get used to the idea of her talking or getting hit on...its going to happen. There is NOTHING you can do about it...except make yourself look worse. You are jumping to conclusions. You have no idea whats going on with her and her co-workers.

 

Now....we both know what you did was one of those "Very BAD THING" i mentioned in a earlier post. Since you're my boy, im going to be brutally honest. What you did SCREAMS like bloody murder insecurity. By doing that it makes you look insecure, needy and immature. I read your 1st post. And we both no you arent in a position to get upset about who she talks to or whatever. Trust me, i know the anger, i know the pain and i know that sick feeling you have. But...she felt it to , because of certain things you have done. Remember that Thick skin i talked about...you will need some titanium, steel and adamantium skin. Whatever you're heart tells you what to do...do the exact oppisite..as a matter of fact...do nothing. NC...NC until she hits you up. This may have set you back a week or two. it might be a week or two before this blow over...if it does. But hang in there. I would normally tell someone to be honest and truthfull...but deny that you called, and pray you called from a blocked number. It feels like she knows that you called form her last e-mail respose. Chill out bro, lol. Breathe and relax...work on you, and do not dwell on thoughts of her with other people...it will eat your souls alive.

 

 

If you ever want to go out and get smashed at a bar to vent and talk, let me know bro. Would be more than happy if you're hurting, cuz we can relate on so many levels.

[Dmoney28]

oh yeah, P.S

 

she had the audacity to ask me if i contacted her guy friends on Myspace.....WHAT!!! "OH HELL NO" i told her, "Trust me, i have WAY too much respect to be cyber stalking you or anyone else".......Sorry, i love her...but there is a fine line between stalker and ex boyfriend...and i will NEVER...EVER...cross that line. dammit, now my feathers are all ruffled again. lol

[EmperorR]

Ah nothing worse than having a hot ex gf knowing every joe blow is trying to talk to you her, and has a better shot with her than you do.

[californiadreaming]

-Dude, I am fuc*** up like no other. So she e-mailed me, and in the e-mail it seems as if they didn't know who it was, but she did.- Not to mention, one thing about her..Even if she knows its me, she ain;t gonna mention it to them, because her job is everything to her, thats why she is pissed now cause she knows it was me, and they don't. I say this because this is what she e-mailed me word for word.

 

"my name.. I have to ask you, please be honest. Have you been contacting my coworkers? "The guys name" specifically?Don't lie to me."

 

And I responded with no pretty much, and 5 reasons why I wouldn't. - My respect for her,my time is much more important, etc..

 

But I got no response, so I emailed her again.. this is where I begin to mess up. I told her hey I forgot to ask about a cd that I had bought her this summer, I know she has it on her computer at work.. I asked her to send me that and some pictures of us, trips we took, etc.. from when we first dated. She had sent me the pics sometime ago but I lost them. I also told her that she didn't have to if she didn't want to and I'd understand.

 

Well I got no response, so bout 20min ago, I texted her, told her my email was acting up, asking her if she got the email about the songs and stuff.

No response until now.

 

So I am crushed. I feel like she knows it was me, I am going to denie it to the grave, but I am soo pissed at myself. I thought I was stronger then that. I made it so far only to blow it! I feel like a damn idiot.

 

& the heart is achein like no other, I don't want to cry but it husrts. I think because the holiday is coming closer, I am getting weak. But I gotta ne strong. I feel like what I have built up is completly lost.

 

What do I do?

[Dmoney28]

you do absolutly nothing my friend. I suggested that to you a while ago. Let her contact you. I know you gave in, its within the first month of the breakup, so its understandable.

 

1.The CD and pic request looks like a desperate attempt at contact

 

2. yeah, it seems like she knows. I didnt realize SHE asked you, thought it was just him who asked. When a woman says i need you to be honest....she knows...they always know

 

I understand the tough time you are having...trust me i do. But bro, at this point your best bet is NC, and do nothing at all...nothing. Just do you right now. Maybe in a month or 2 she will contact you. But you need to be emotionally ready to talk and deal with the situation. Your hurting too bad right now...the emotional pain is too great. Just work through the denial, deppression and anger stages right now. It will take some time, but you will be able to think with a clear head the next oppurtunity comes up.

good luck. remember NC, none what so ever. Curiousity killed the cat...plain in simple.

[alwayssme]

If I could give any advice would be this...Now that I look back at my first month of break up..I dont regret crying and telling him how much i loved him...I am actually glad I did that...but what I do regret is the 'casual" conversations with him and being completely stupid to not think even for a second i didnt sound desperate...I would find any excuse to talk to him and tried to act 'cool" about everything like it wasnt obvious.. I would even send the texts 3 times when he wouldnt respond because actually my phone did fail at sending texts...then he would respond and i just kept on holding on to every contact he would make......my world revolved around anythigng i would hear from him...which was a slap in the face, when he didnt respond to one of my texts and said "my world doesnt revolve around my phone and your text messages.I was busy sorry i forgot to text u back." LOL....California, I dont know your story...but please listen to me whether she loves u or not..whether you guys are going to get back together or not...i dont suggest you let these things get to you..by that i dont mean "dont be upset over it" because i completely understand the anxiety and everything...i have been there...but believe me you will be sooo happy when you dont react to it...i am not against showing the other person you love them and apologizing for anything you might have done wrong...i am not against tears and showing them that this IS hurting you...however once you have done that, the ball is in their court...so please calm down, try not to stress about what happened today and just make sure you dont act like this anymore because as you can see it only hurting you more.

[californiadreaming]

-Well guys, I called her, and although I thought I would feel bad, I don't. After I called her, I did what I haven't did thru this whole process... I went to my mom, and asked her for advice, and honestly hearing it form my mom stamped it.

 

What happen was I paced around my room for 30min b4 she got off of work trying to figure out how I was going to tell her that I was fed up with feeling this way, and how I needed to cut all ties completely.

 

4:05pm hits and I call, no answer, I leave a message, she calls, then hangs up... then calls back a minute later. Say's " Hey whats up?" which is so weird to me - the past two times we spoke she said that "hey whats up?" thing, and I am so use to honey, or hi honey. - anyways I proceed to tell her how all of the things around me came alive when she left basically, but I don't understand why I had to lose her in the midst of all of that. She begin to tell me about how she has lifted a heavy burden off of her shoulders, how she is much happier not reporting to a man, how she enjoys no stress of being in a relationship(now remember like i said since she has been 15 y/o she has been in a relation until now 26 y/o with the exception of 8 months.) So it is not another guy as we can see. Anywho, I totaly understood what she was saying, she even said a few things as followed: For me to live my life, right now she can not think of all the good things we had, even though most of them were good, she says all she can think of is bad things. She said don't wait for her, to just live, and if in the future she feels like she made a mistake, and misses me then she will tell me, she said If I hae someone by then she will have to deal with it. She also thinks I will have another lady in 6 months - I'm like ugh in 6 months I will still be hurt from this (is what I was thinking)- She cried, I can hear that she was getting out of her car at school, and I told her to dry her eyes, she said ok. I told her that I love her, and that I would be here, I told her that this is the notebook part 2, that I really love heer, and I know that in the end we were meant to be, and will be. I made sure she knew that, I know another man or two might come along, but I really love her and know that she has a place in my heart, and that was basically it. - She begin to talk, and I'd be like I agree, and She got mad, I saw that it could have led to a fight so I said Im sorry I will just listen.- & That is when she spoke her mind. -

 

I cried a little but, I gained my compusure quick, because I know that I did this. No one else. And I told her that too, along with apologizing.

 

I then sat and told my mom, and my mom number one told me the same thing all of you have, and what I speak, but haven't fully followed thru 100% - Focusing on me - Now, I know it is not about getting back with her, or whatever but my mom said something that made alot of sense(Shes a licensed drug/alcohol counseler so it makes sense) She said you two were codependent on each other, and ultimately it brought you down, She was able to stay afloat. She said baby you need to focus on yourself, you need to be happy, and in your situation your not happy, you haven't been happy, you have been all over the place in the last 5 years,not able to hold a job, not able to be independent because u had that back bone, She said if she came back now, what? what would happen, you'd be in the same place. - Nothing would have change but your actions. She said you need to go out, do what you have to do to be a man, and I be t you when you get your ish together she will inquire within.

 

& ding- There it was, everything that she said made so much sense. I am not sad at all, I just need to plaster this in my brain. Like my mom said, make goals for 2009- this is your year to be somebody. She said once you can do this, you will see.

 

And I am all about it. I want that loft downtown l.a. - I wanna work 50-0hours, and have money stacked, I am spending 5-600 on a new wardrobe for this weekend, and all of next week. I have two really great job opportunities that I am hoping to nail. I am going to be. I am a bad muthaluva, I just ain't been able to be, and honestly, I am excited to be. I have been since the break up, I know God has my blessing in store - starting with a good job- I am just so anxious. Awww anyhoo, man I am happy right now, you guys just keep me in your prayers. I love you guys for being here - D,Iceman,Emporor,always, & the rest of you.

[Oscar51]

Listen man. As much as we humans want to, we can't control another. You can't mess with free will, and DON'T EVER TRY. It's like punching a brick wall, nothing good will ever come out of it. Nothing you say will ever make her come back.

 

Now you probably did some things to warrant the break-up, and so did she. If those things you did were some serious things you need to work on, then do it. Change yourself for the better, learn from this and PUT IT INTO ACTION.

 

I talk to my friend at work who tells me they could have saved a lot of heart ache if they had "JUST LISTENED" to what others were telling them. But sometimes we have to find out on our own. It's a part of life, EVERYONE will experience heart break at some point in their life. It has been compared to losing a loved one. Because technically it is like losing a loved one. You go from having this person a part of your every day life to NOTHING AT ALL.

 

Your best bet is to move on. Either another girl will come along or she will come back. But you cannot wait for her to make her damn mind up, that's not fair for you.

 

Good Luck Buddy.