WHAT13 Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 My bf and I have been dating for a while now, and living together for the past year. Since living w/ my bf I have learned that he is bipolar, he hid it pretty well when we were not living together. This last year has been nothing but an emotional rollercoaster for me. Its like living w/ two different people. Some times i feel like the luckiest girl in the world and other times I feel afraid for both him and me. He is rearly, ever in a middle ground type of mood. He is either feeling really great, or really bad. When he is manic, he is usually so happy. He dances around the house, and it really makes me smile to see him so happy. He gets so much done for himself and others, and is geniuenly a sweet guy. He is always surprising me or showing that he cares. He will send me flowers, or get me a little something to show that he is thinking of me (like picking up one of my fav magazines). One time he could tell I was having a rough week and decided to take me away for the weekend, it was a nice chance to get away and relax. He has done so many sweet little things its hard to keep track. However, his depressant side is a completely different person. Sometimes he will go on and on about committing suicide and how he doesnt want to be here and how he hates his life. I dont really know what to do in these situations. I try all sorts of approaches, I've tried comforting him, that doesnt work, he def doesnt like that. If i leave him alone and go into a different room and give him his space, that works sometimes. Other times, he will take a temper tantrum and scream, yell and occasionally break stuff. However, lately when he is in a depressant mood he takes it out on me. Mainly, saying stuff that he knows is going to hurt my feelings. I try to understand the whole psychology behind it. All I can come up w/ is that he feels so bad that he wants someone else to feel just as bad. I want to help him, but I just don't know what to do anymore. These up and downs are really starting to wear me down. Its like I am constantly feeling anxious because I dont know which version of him I am going to get. I wish he could see how bad I am hurting inside. I just want him to be happy and I don't know what to do. I wrote this mainly to vent, but any advise is welcome.
moonshadow Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 What ages are you and your BF? How long ago was he diagnosed as bipolar? Is he on medication and under the care of a good family physician and/or psychiatrist? If he is on meds, is he taking them do you know? Doesn't sound like he's taking his meds (or taking them consistently) - which is usually a mood stabilizer (doesn't sound like his moods are very stabilized) -- or if he is, doesn't sound like they're the right dosage or working very well for him. Would he ever be willing to go to the doctor and bring you along? Very commonly, those w/ bipolar will stop taking their meds because they dislike the side effects; some even "like" being manic (it can feel like kind of a 'high' of sorts) and will stop taking their meds for this reason. Does he have family? Is he close with them? Are they aware of how mis-managed his disease currently is? Does he attend any kind of regular psychotherapy or sessions with a therapist? (psychiatrist, psychologist, etc)
Author WHAT13 Posted December 26, 2008 Author Posted December 26, 2008 We are both in our mid to late 20's. He was diagnosed as bi-polar long before we began dating. From what he tells me he has never gone on medication for it, he says that he is afraid of the side effects. He went to a psychiatrist about a year ago, he was going consistantly for a couple of months. Then all of a sudden one day he stopped going, refused to go back and will not talk about it. His family is aware of his behavior, however, im not sure if they know he is bipolar. His family is an iffy subject w/ him. He seems to resent them for some reason, but still talks to them almost daily. He is always telling me he hates them and they only use him. I see how his family interacts w/ him, and I know they do ask him for alot of support financially, but they still love him, and to me that seems obvious. But to him, he thinks they are only using him. I just have run out of ideas to ask him to get help, I dont think he realizes that it is hard for me as well. I love him so much, and hate to see him so unhappy and frustrated. I know this is hard for him and he doesnt want to be like that and that I cant understand what he goes through.. but I just wish he would try to get help.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 I had (HAD) a friend who said she was bipolar. She didn't take medicine because she was afraid of the side effects. Turns out she was never diagnosed with bipolar disorder. After getting to know her for two years, some of the little warning flags that I dismissed as quirks started becoming much more dramatic and dangerous. She most likely has a personality disorder and does not want to go to the doctor because they would tell her she needs intensive therapy and she would never submit herself to anyone. She was bad, bad, news. The fact that he does not want to take medication is very troubling. He will not change, in fact he will most likely get worse. BTW, my friend who actually DOES have it says that the side effects are very slight for her. The only time she did go off of it was because she missed her highs. That is probably why your bf doesn't want to do the meds. Meanwhile, his behavior is erratic and he is going to cause many problems for himself in his personal and professinal life. I hate to say it, but I don't forsee this situation changing and I think you ought to seriously think about whether this is worth it to you. It sounds like it isn't.
torranceshipman Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 He needs medication - there is no way you can handle this...as you can see his moods are getting worse and worse and it is not like a regular bad mood, where giving him space or whatever will allow him to calm down in a regular way - this is a serious chemical imbalance - a very complex condition. Really, the best thing is to talk to him when he's feeling up and say you think it is seriously affecting your R and you dont know if you can handle this alone and you'd like him to consider going back to the therapist and to take meds. If he doesnt I am not sure this R will stand the test of time as it sounds like hes already pretty emotional abusive and probably a bit intimidating (and a huge emotional drain) when he's down.
moonshadow Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 We are both in our mid to late 20's. He was diagnosed as bi-polar long before we began dating. From what he tells me he has never gone on medication for it, he says that he is afraid of the side effects. He went to a psychiatrist about a year ago, he was going consistantly for a couple of months. Then all of a sudden one day he stopped going, refused to go back and will not talk about it. His family is aware of his behavior, however, im not sure if they know he is bipolar. His family is an iffy subject w/ him. He seems to resent them for some reason, but still talks to them almost daily. He is always telling me he hates them and they only use him. I see how his family interacts w/ him, and I know they do ask him for alot of support financially, but they still love him, and to me that seems obvious. But to him, he thinks they are only using him. I just have run out of ideas to ask him to get help, I dont think he realizes that it is hard for me as well. I love him so much, and hate to see him so unhappy and frustrated. I know this is hard for him and he doesnt want to be like that and that I cant understand what he goes through.. but I just wish he would try to get help. I hate to say it but without him being willing to go on the meds, he will only get worse - and put YOU through a lot of hell in the process. Read up on bipolar illness, get yourself informed. Without him being treated with proper meds, it's a sinking ship going down. I used to work on a psychiatric unit for a year and I would see firsthand, people w/ bipolar who refused to take meds or who chose to stop taking them. Scary stuff. Their highs are so high and their lows are so low. You and your "love" cannot fix him or make this better. He needs to take responsibility for his illness and seek to properly treat it. You need to sit down and have a talk with him. You need to seriously reconsider remaining in this relationship because to continue, as it stands now, is putting you at great emotional, mental and physical risk. Do you really want to have to live your life walking on eggshells and fearing that you're going to find him dead? That's not a way to live and you are not obligated to accept this. Meds for bipolar are a lot better than they were 15 years ago. It's silly of him to claim he won't try them because of possible side effects. He can't say that unless he gives them a try. Unfortunately though, you can't force him to go this route - nobody can, unless he gets to a point where he's posing the risk of harm to himself or others (you). Many people do very very well on meds and go on to live very normal and productive lives. It sounds like he's in some denial about his disease, which is par for the course too. You need to think about your sanity and safety and reconsider this relationship.
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