bipolar bf

[WHAT13]

My bf and I have been dating for a while now, and living together for the past year. Since living w/ my bf I have learned that he is bipolar, he hid it pretty well when we were not living together. This last year has been nothing but an emotional rollercoaster for me. Its like living w/ two different people. Some times i feel like the luckiest girl in the world and other times I feel afraid for both him and me. He is rearly, ever in a middle ground type of mood. He is either feeling really great, or really bad.

When he is manic, he is usually so happy. He dances around the house, and it really makes me smile to see him so happy. He gets so much done for himself and others, and is geniuenly a sweet guy. He is always surprising me or showing that he cares. He will send me flowers, or get me a little something to show that he is thinking of me (like picking up one of my fav magazines). One time he could tell I was having a rough week and decided to take me away for the weekend, it was a nice chance to get away and relax. He has done so many sweet little things its hard to keep track.

However, his depressant side is a completely different person. Sometimes he will go on and on about committing suicide and how he doesnt want to be here and how he hates his life. I dont really know what to do in these situations. I try all sorts of approaches, I've tried comforting him, that doesnt work, he def doesnt like that. If i leave him alone and go into a different room and give him his space, that works sometimes. Other times, he will take a temper tantrum and scream, yell and occasionally break stuff. However, lately when he is in a depressant mood he takes it out on me. Mainly, saying stuff that he knows is going to hurt my feelings. I try to understand the whole psychology behind it. All I can come up w/ is that he feels so bad that he wants someone else to feel just as bad. I want to help him, but I just don't know what to do anymore. These up and downs are really starting to wear me down. Its like I am constantly feeling anxious because I dont know which version of him I am going to get. I wish he could see how bad I am hurting inside. I just want him to be happy and I don't know what to do.

I wrote this mainly to vent, but any advise is welcome.

[zilverenvlinder]

My boyfriend broke up with me because of my bipolar disorder. I understand that you have no idea how it feels to be this way, but please try to love and appreciate him for what he is. Maybe you can suggest to him that he tries to go to therapy for medication? I know if I were still on meds for my disorder me and my boyfriend would still be together.

 

if you love him, please try to be understanding. It is a hugely difficult thing to go through. Neither "phase" (depression or mania) is fun to have, and he needs you to support him. Let him know that he NEEDS to see a doctor and that you love him and you will help him through this but he also needs to help himself.

[WHAT13]

Thanks for responding. I try to be supportive. I let him know that I will be there for him and I love him and he is the guy I want to marry. I think he has givin up on himself, and it is so hard to be strong for him when he will not help himself at all. He refuses to see a therapist or start any sort of medication. He has researched many of the medications and is afraid of how they will make him feel, and that many of the medications increase the thoughts of suicide. Lately, he has been saying that he doesn't care about me and that I should move on. He thinks that he is making my life worse off, and he feels that he should be making my life better. He is always betting himself up and so negative. I wish he could see the great guy that I see. It is soo hard.. I feel like I am watching him self distruct. Like he is spiraling downward. It hurts so bad to not be able to help him. Any ideas on how to get through to him w/out pushing him further away?

[zilverenvlinder]

Let him know that unless he is under the age of usually 16-19, the chances of increasing suicidal thoughts are VERY VERY low, and medication WILL help him. Let him know that if he wants the relationship to work then he needs to take a stand and get some help. It WILL make him feel better.

 

The thing about meds is, I hated the thought of them when I was first diagnosed about 7 years ago, and I used to flush them down the toilet when I was in high school, but now I realize they are the best thing for people like me and your bf and the rest of the population with our condition. Right now he must feel like things hit him really hard, and I know how that feels. All these meds do is make things a little easier for him.

 

If he still refuses to take any help let him know that it's either that or you're going to leave him. I learned the hard way and he might have to, too.

 

Best of luck sweetheart.

Edited January 19, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[WHAT13]

Thanks for the advise. I guess I am a little afraid to give him that ultimatum. First off he doesn't deal well with ultimatums. Secondly, I am afraid I am going to lose him and I am scared that he will not be ok. However, I do realize that your solution is probably the correct way to handle this.. just makes me sad to think about it.

[Dmoney28]

hey, first of all, i hope you are feeling better. I have bipolar 2, while not as bad as bipolar 1, but it still sucks. I was diagnosed and saw (seeing still) a psychologist. I was given medication that did wonders for me. I can uderstand your view because my ex GF went through the same thing as you. One week i could be the nicest caring guy. I did speacial things and loved her like crazy( no pun intended ). Then i would fall into depression, isolating myself, and hating life. Then the next week im so energized and doing all kind of projects around the house. During this time i was not on my meds...so these episodes were coming and going. I suggest your boyfriend see a psychiatrist and getting some medication. Once he is on some good meds, he'll be himself again. He dosent want to be like this, trust me. Its just he acts out and behaves irrational because of a chemical imbalance in his brain. So if you love him, just make sure he is getting trated and that he WANTS to be treated. I know you are stressed out, and very anxious, so was my ex. She stuck it out, but i did something to break her trust. Good luck

[WHAT13]

If you don't mind me asking... What did you do to betray her trust? and do u think it had anything to do with having bipolar?

[SierraRose]

Although our stories are mirror images, my ex b/f continued to get progressively worse. He has been off and on meds for years. I might add in addition to BPD, he also was an alcoholic. Downward spiral was horrendous. He was abusive to both me and to himself. We were together 4 years- in that time frame he tried to commit suicide 6 times which 3 landed him in the hospital.

It was a roller coaster ride to say the least.

It was a cycle:

-Hit rock bottom

-Go to Docs, get meds and stop drinking

-Good for several weeks, months (sweet, kind, etc..)

-Then would think "I am ok, I dont need meds"; 101 excuses NOT to take them

-No meds, start "relaxing" by a couple of beers

-Slowly, the BPD/alcoholic kicks in

-Abuse starts and escalated

-Hit Rock bottom AGAIN

When he hit rock bottom it was bad. Always the same story-either I called the police b/c of the abuse(and yes, he has been arrested/in jail at least 6 times b/c of it), or EMTs because he tried to kill himself.

 

Understand, I think my ex b/f had more issues other than BPD and alcoholism, but they were the main ones. I loved him dearly, all I wanted to do was help. I realized, as long as he isn't willing to help himself, there is nothing I can do. I wanted the good/sweet him in my life so bad, I couldn't understand why he acted the way he did. The R ended with a R/O. He became so abusive, I had to have him removed from our home. It was the best decision I have made in the past 4 years.

Please don't misunderstand me, I am in no way, shape or form saying all BP are like this. What I am saying is this: you can't change him. He has to want help and stay committed to getting help to deal with the disorder. The only person you can help is yourself. Honestly, if he is abusive, you need to remove yourself from the situation.

My ex? We had only been broken up 5 months and he moved in with another woman. They had only been living together for 2 months-police have already been to the home twice (domestic, charges filed) and 3 weeks ago he broke one of her ribs...His new g/f thinks she can change him too...

[Dmoney28]

i betrayed her trust when i cheated. I'm not using it as a excuse. I take full responisibity for my actions. I went through many pschylogist sessions to address my infedilty issues and even found religeon. I am ashamed of what i did. Sometimes in the manic stage of Bipolar, somepeople have hypersexuality, a desire to engage in sexual encounters. Kinda like bipolar people who make crazy purchases and spend money like crazy. They get caught up in thier manic mode. Its documented medical fact that can be found in psychology medical journal. Its not a excuse, more like a inclanation. But a person is responisble for thier actions. If a person is on thier medication this desire is not here. It just depends on the person. I think its like 1 out 4 bipolar people suffer from this.

[WHAT13]

This was my first time posting on this website and I guess i was a little hesitant to tell the whole story. i guess the reason why i posted was bcz my bf has been becoming progressively worse. I dont want to give up on him. However, i have seen my self becoming more and more depressed.

[WHAT13]

i betrayed her trust when i cheated. I'm not using it as a excuse. I take full responisibity for my actions. I went through many pschylogist sessions to address my infedilty issues and even found religeon. I am ashamed of what i did. Sometimes in the manic stage of Bipolar, somepeople have hypersexuality, a desire to engage in sexual encounters. Kinda like bipolar people who make crazy purchases and spend money like crazy. They get caught up in thier manic mode. Its documented medical fact that can be found in psychology medical journal. Its not a excuse, more like a inclanation. But a person is responisble for thier actions. If a person is on thier medication this desire is not here. It just depends on the person. I think its like 1 out 4 bipolar people suffer from this.

 

I think he might be 1 out of the 4.

[TheRock]

WOW! Your BF sounds exactly like my GF! Although, there are other issues, like a controlling, possessive father with attachment issues, she acts the same way! One day acting as if we will be married to each other one day, loving, caring and being all over me and into me, the next day (sometimes for a week or two) she acts and says hurtful things like she "doesn't know if she has feelings for me".!! For instance, 2 weeks ago she surprised me with baking my fave cookies, stopped in and helped me put up the Christmas Lights, took me to dinner, had amazing sex w\me and cuddled for hours w\me saying "I can't wait to wake up next to you every morning". It was like we were totally connected! A few days later she says she's not sure if she has feelings for me, then she's scarce for the next 2 weeks. 2 days ago, again we went to dinner. She was all into me, apologized for the way things are w\her dad's interference in our relationship and she asks me if I would move away with her. Who would ask someone to move away with them after just saying she doesn't know if she has feelings for me??? I'm extremely confused! Is this Bi-Polar? She refuses to go for therapy. She tried once, but her father talked her out of it, because they "might find something wrong!" Ya think???? Seriously though is this considered Bi-Polar?

[MWH]

This was my first time posting on this website and I guess i was a little hesitant to tell the whole story. i guess the reason why i posted was bcz my bf has been becoming progressively worse. I dont want to give up on him. However, i have seen my self becoming more and more depressed.

 

I know exactly what you are going through. My ex is undiagnosed and the rollercoaster in not fun in any way. If you have only dated for a short time perhaps it would be best to cut your losses and run. Yes- that sounds crass and heartless but you mention that now YOU are having problems with depression and you are obviously upset enough to come here seeking answers.

 

I'm gonna put my sitch in a nutshell for you: My ex rocked my world but quickly her wildly swinging "moods" begane to surface. She was all over the map. She quickly got emotionally abusive towards me. Then she started throwing things and acting out in other ways. Fast-forward almost three years: I ended up depressed, thoughts of suicide, drinking daily, physical health going down the drain. Thinking that I was the crazy one. You get the picture. Bad news.

 

I stayed as long as I could take it. I believed her every time she admitted that she needed help. I held on the promise that she "had it all worked out now and was gonna be fine" for a long time and at great expense. Time and time again she would tell me that the best thing for me to do would be to leave. She didn't say it quite so kindly though...

 

Needless to say I should have run like the wind. I hung on for many reasons- one being my age (44) I figured this was the end of the trail for this cowboy and I should be grateful to at least have someone. I also felt guilty for leaving her when she is in such mental/emotional pain and in such dire need. I thought that my love would give her the "boost" she needed and "we" would make it.

 

Needless to say here I am, just like you, trying to sort myself out.

 

If you're young and your time together was short I say cut and run right now. In any case, though I wish you BOTH the best and I hope you BOTH end up healthy, wealthy, and wise.

 

Peace,

 

MWH

[Dmoney28]

WOW! Your BF sounds exactly like my GF! Although, there are other issues, like a controlling, possessive father with attachment issues, she acts the same way! One day acting as if we will be married to each other one day, loving, caring and being all over me and into me, the next day (sometimes for a week or two) she acts and says hurtful things like she "doesn't know if she has feelings for me".!! For instance, 2 weeks ago she surprised me with baking my fave cookies, stopped in and helped me put up the Christmas Lights, took me to dinner, had amazing sex w\me and cuddled for hours w\me saying "I can't wait to wake up next to you every morning". It was like we were totally connected! A few days later she says she's not sure if she has feelings for me, then she's scarce for the next 2 weeks. 2 days ago, again we went to dinner. She was all into me, apologized for the way things are w\her dad's interference in our relationship and she asks me if I would move away with her. Who would ask someone to move away with them after just saying she doesn't know if she has feelings for me??? I'm extremely confused! Is this Bi-Polar? She refuses to go for therapy. She tried once, but her father talked her out of it, because they "might find something wrong!" Ya think???? Seriously though is this considered Bi-Polar?

 

 

 

 

sounds more like a personality disorder. But i could be wrong.

[TheRock]

I'm 38, she's 32. I too am hanging in there, because I love her and don't want to leave her in her time of need...then she'd say I wasn't there for her...

 

We've been together almost 3 years. I don't know if it IS Bi-Polar or the issues of dealing with her father's attachment issue\controlling ways or a combination of both. He has sapped her self-esteem. He be-littles her and verbally\emotionally abuses and manipulates her. She's learned to accept this as "normal". When he's not around, she's a loving, caring, TOTALLY different person. If I try to tell her about this, she flips out on me that I just don't understand it. And we are too different in this aspect. I tell her it's not that we're different, he's abusing her. Yesterday, we had a blowout over the same issues w\her dad, as I was not "allowed" to see her on Christmas AT ALL! This has become a way of life for her and she has learned to accept that holidays aren't spent with boyfriends. She doesn't want to even discuss it with her dad cause she knows it won't change anything. It's easier to push me off than deal with his wrath. I asked her what past BF's thought and she said it was a major issue and they wound up breaking up over it. Last nite, she said she was spending today looking for an apartment\house and she'd call me after...because nothing can\will change until she's out of the house and he can't influence her. I offered to go w\her but she said it was something she needed to learn to do herself. Said she'd call me when she was done. Later last night, she called me to say there was a HUGE blowout b\t her dad and bro. Now, they're not talking either! She again said she'd call me when she got done with the house search. Today, it's almost 4pm and I have not heard from her at all. It's at the point where she says, she wishes he was dead, then feels guilty for saying it. I feel like a sap for letting myself get "sucked" into this, but I do sincerely love her and think down deep she really loves me too. This REALLY BLOWS!

[Capricciosa]

There is no way in the world that someone who is BP and refuses to seek treatment is going to change. I have a friend with the disorder, and I've watched him go through the ups and downs for over 20 years. It is hard to even enjoy his manic energy anymore because I know the flip side. He too was erratic with his meds, and the last couple of years have been almost entirely spent in the darkness of depression. I have no idea how his wife handles it. As a friend, my decision was to steer clear until he got help. He's doing that now, but we'll see how long that lasts. I just got tired of being his casualty. OP, I would get out if I were you. You cannot fix this.

[Dmoney28]

OP, before you make a final descion, sit down with him and have a heart to heart. Explain you love him, but if he wants you in his life...he has to get help. If he agrees...and only if he agrees, maybe give him a chance. If he out right refuses, you have to leave. With me, it took my EX gf dumping me to realize i had a problem, and it was out of hand. She refused to come back, so i hit a emotional rock bottom. So, i made a choice to get help. I'm doing so much better, me and my ex have daily contact and conversations. We talk better than we did when i wasnt on my meds and before i was serious about changing. So your absence may knock some sense into him.

[LostNLonely]

There is no way in the world that someone who is BP and refuses to seek treatment is going to change. I have a friend with the disorder, and I've watched him go through the ups and downs for over 20 years. It is hard to even enjoy his manic energy anymore because I know the flip side. He too was erratic with his meds, and the last couple of years have been almost entirely spent in the darkness of depression. I have no idea how his wife handles it. As a friend, my decision was to steer clear until he got help. He's doing that now, but we'll see how long that lasts. I just got tired of being his casualty. OP, I would get out if I were you. You cannot fix this.

 

Relationships with people who suffer bipolar spectrum disorders are difficult to say the least. I suffer from bipolar disorder II. My advice is to look after yourself. In your BF's heart of hearts, he wants the best for you too. You can get off the roller-coaster, he can't, or to hear the other BP responders tell it, he chooses not to get off (take meds). Your compassion for him is admirable but compassion isn't love, it's sympathy. If you love him that's fine. Don't make a martyr out of yourself and don't mislead him. Either you love him and are committed to him or your not. If your not in love, leave him, if you are in love, stay and work it out. The ultimatum is the only way to hold his feet to the fire. Don't be surprised if he doesn't choose you.

[Dmoney28]

i agree with lostnlonely. Love is the only thing that will make this ordeal worth going through. Love on his part to seek out treatment and medication. You have to put his feet to the fire. Either he gets help, or you will leave him. If this dosent happen, he will have no reason from your end to change. Its almost like saying its ok not to get help. Sooner or later his actions will drive you away for good. So its best to make a firm stand now. To save your heart the pain of leaving him later.