EA-Now what?

[frannie]

I see 4 possible outcomes from checking in with my former co-worker who I've had no contact with whatsoever for 1 year.

 

1. I learn to realize that my crush was just a crush, I discover there are more qualities that I love about my wife than my co-worker and my obsession diminishes. I continue to respect her as a colleague and friend with very infrequent but guilt-free contact. My wife learns to trust me because I'm able to devote all my attention and affection on her.

 

2. I discover that my co-worker feels the same way about me as I feel about her. The EA continues and this creates a wedge between both of our marriages and we ultimately run off into the sunset together - leaving a trail of pain. But our love conquers all, our spouses recover in time and even find new spouses that are more compatible for them.

 

3. I live in a loveless marriage but working hard to make it successful. Our kids finally move out but then I become deeply depressed that I wasn't more agressive in my youth to find a true soul mate.

 

4. My wife leaves me because I can't find enough love for her to keep her happy. My co-worker remains married but won't leave her husband for me. I become very depressed.

 

Options 3 and 4 are not really options because they end badly. But options 1 and 2 both end well for me but with completely different outcomes. I'm worried that by not checking in with my co-worker the weight swings towards options 3 or 4. But checking-in with her gives me some hope no matter which way things ultimately turn out.

 

Any advice?

 

I think it sounds like this: even after a year of NC you're still unable to forget, and don't want to live without, that feeling that the OW gives you. You can't find it with your W, even after a year of MC and honesty. And yet this isn't enough for you to pull the trigger on a marriage you seem to no longer want. I can understand that.

 

You're quite passive in leaving a lot of what happens in your possible scenarios to the feelings and needs of others: how will xOW react? Will your W just get tired of your 'lack of love' for her? At the same time you fear that getting your own needs met is ultimately 'selfish' and it seems not allowed. Why should your marriage only end because your W doesn't feel loved enough, or your OW wants you still..? What about what you want, does that not matter? Do you know what you want?

 

I know one thing; just being in sporadic contact with an OW isn't going to make anything any clearer at all. How can you possibly know what a future with her would be like based on a few phonecalls or whatever? No, you have to look at what you have now, and how you feel about your own marriage. Personally, I think that if a year of MC and NC hasn't made things clearer then you already know your answer. You're just afraid of pulling the trigger, and putting it all on others to do the deciding for you..?

[Sands_of_time]

There is great advice on this post for you. I hope you hear what the other posters are trying to say.

 

How about from this angle: there are 4 adults involved as one other poster mentioned. What do you think the OW's husband would do to you if he found out that his wife was "talking" to you for emotional support? Do you think the OW's husband would accept it because he knows how much you are hurting/confused and need her friendship? My guess is that he is most concerned about him and his family--not about how you feel (harsh, maybe, but it's reality). He is going to more than likely try to protect his family and you are lone wolf coming into his camp. When a lone wolf enters that of another man's camp you can bet you are setting yourself up for some REAL pain. Have you thought about the fact that he might physically harm you or your family? Even the stablest of men have a hard time dealing with EA's and PA's. Not a month goes by on the news that you don't hear about someone going nuts (i.e. killing WS or the 3rd party). In fact, I just heard on CNN YESTERDAY that a man killed 3 people because of an affair his wife had.

 

For your situation the OW is also to blame but many times the BS will take the anger/aggression out on the lone wolf. If you enter his camp be prepared for one HUGE storm. Don't go there, plain and simple. Protect yourself and your family by staying away. No phone calls even. Forget her and focus on what you have.

[Owl]

Here's my advice: DIVORCE YOUR WIFE TODAY.

 

You don't have any feelings for her.

 

You don't care about the damage you're doing to her and your family by your continued selfishness.

 

You're STILL completely focused on your EA after a year of NC...and don't appear to have any real remorse or regret.

 

You don't appear to be putting forth any TRUE effort at reconciliation or rebuilding of your marriage after all this time in counseling.

 

Your wife...your kids...deserve better.

 

Man up. File for divorce...today.

 

Set your wife free. Give your family a chance to find someone who TRULY desires to be with them.

 

It'll let you be free to pursue OW to your heart's content then.

 

What's stopping you?

[u91746]

Yeah, Owl, I think these are pretty easy solutions. I don't know your background or experience, but relationships are not disposable razor blades you just change out.

 

An EA, particularly a romantic EA, can mess with you a lot. A year is not a long time, really. I think open communication is important, and it's important to recognize that divorce is on the table, but you don't just switch out of a relationship because of a lack of emotion or emotional confusion. It does happen. Every long term relationship has ups and downs, and some people stay in very down relationships for bad reasons.

 

There are lots of easy answers, but quite obviously this has not been easy here. Enough with the "man up" stuff.

[Mr. Lucky]

There are lots of easy answers, but quite obviously this has not been easy here. Enough with the "man up" stuff.

Here are the options you previously posted that you see for yourself:

(1) either we struck out together, abandoning our families, which was never really an option for her at least (I think, in hindsight, it was for me), which would cause endless heartache and tears for our BS and children alike;

 

(2) or we pursued the relationship further, which would eventually end with a decision to stay with our partners and children, which would sadden each of us.

Don't want to speak for Owl, but "man up" to me means step up to the plate and take responsibility for your actions and the consequences for yourself and others you care about. In other words, quit sneaking around and hoping that events (like getting caught) make the hard decisions for you. You're playing with other people's lives also...

 

Mr. Lucky