EA-Now what?

[OUTFOXED]

I'm currently struggling with the aftermath of an emotional affair with a former co-worker. It's a long story so I won't go into any details but I really need some guidance on what to do next from people who have gone through this.

 

The EA ended a year ago. My wife was hurt deeply and I feel horrible - we are in counseling. I am hurt deeply too because this woman was starting to become an important friend and was torn away from me. I have no close friends (male or female). I've never been intimate physically or emotionally with another woman at any level. Needless to say this woman was incredibly important to me as a stepping stone in my social development. There was no physical contact and no sexual tension.

 

I completely understand the consequences of a continued EA but at this point I feel a very strong desire to want to contact her to check in and see how she's doing. And eventually, with more work on my own marriage I'd like to be able to have infrequent and appropriate check-ins from time to time - perhaps maybe only once a year or less. The awkwardness of her still being somewhat in my life (constant reminders) but such a taboo is driving me crazy. But any thought of contacting her creates a lot of pain and suffering for my wife.

 

I see 4 possible outcomes from checking in with my former co-worker who I've had no contact with whatsoever for 1 year.

 

1. I learn to realize that my crush was just a crush, I discover there are more qualities that I love about my wife than my co-worker and my obsession diminishes. I continue to respect her as a colleague and friend with very infrequent but guilt-free contact. My wife learns to trust me because I'm able to devote all my attention and affection on her.

 

2. I discover that my co-worker feels the same way about me as I feel about her. The EA continues and this creates a wedge between both of our marriages and we ultimately run off into the sunset together - leaving a trail of pain. But our love conquers all, our spouses recover in time and even find new spouses that are more compatible for them.

 

3. I live in a loveless marriage but working hard to make it successful. Our kids finally move out but then I become deeply depressed that I wasn't more agressive in my youth to find a true soul mate.

 

4. My wife leaves me because I can't find enough love for her to keep her happy. My co-worker remains married but won't leave her husband for me. I become very depressed.

 

Options 3 and 4 are not really options because they end badly. But options 1 and 2 both end well for me but with completely different outcomes. I'm worried that by not checking in with my co-worker the weight swings towards options 3 or 4. But checking-in with her gives me some hope no matter which way things ultimately turn out.

 

Any advice?

[carhill]

Share with us what tools you have gained from your work in counseling to further the health of your marriage.

[signedin2008]

You wrote:

 

My wife was hurt deeply and I feel horrible - we are in counseling.

 

yet, you still.....

 

I'd like to be able to have infrequent and appropriate check-ins from time to time

 

How much more selfish can you be? Don't you care about your wife or her feelings at all?

 

How can you know this:

 

But any thought of contacting her creates a lot of pain and suffering for my wife.

 

But, yet still CONSIDERING contacting this OW?

 

How about NO CONTACT with this OW and use all your energy to concentrate on your wife and create a better version of outcome 1 without any contact for life with OW?

 

Repeat the following:

 

I was very selfish and I caused lots of pain and if I have any concience left in me, I will NEVER EVER be in contact with the OW again and I will do EVERYTHING I can to make up to my wife for what I have put her through.

[jwi71]

I'm currently struggling with the aftermath of an emotional affair with a former co-worker. It's a long story so I won't go into any details but I really need some guidance on what to do next from people who have gone through this.

 

You will be asked at some point so get ready to divulge said details.

 

I completely understand the consequences of a continued EA

No you don't and you make that abundantly clear below. There is only one ending: you leave the OW or your wife leaves you. I'd say choose but in realty its your W who gets to do that.

 

but at this point I feel a very strong desire to want to contact her to check in and see how she's doing. And eventually, with more work on my own marriage I'd like to be able to have infrequent and appropriate check-ins from time to time - perhaps maybe only once a year or less. The awkwardness of her still being somewhat in my life (constant reminders) but such a taboo is driving me crazy. But any thought of contacting her creates a lot of pain and suffering for my wife.

This is where you don't understand the consequences I mentioned above. And I can prove it. Tell your W and your MC that you would like to have infrequent and appropriate (lol) contact with the OW. You cannot, because you are having an AFFAIR with her. You have already proven you do NOT know appropriate versus inappropriate contact.

 

1. I learn to realize that my crush was just a crush, I discover there are more qualities that I love about my wife than my co-worker and my obsession diminishes. I continue to respect her as a colleague and friend with very infrequent but guilt-free contact. My wife learns to trust me because I'm able to devote all my attention and affection on her.

Sorry, but if your W was ok with this, you wouldn't be 1) here or 2) be in MC. Get real before you find yourself divorced - and that's where this utter lack of comprehension is leading.

 

2. I discover that my co-worker feels the same way about me as I feel about her. The EA continues and this creates a wedge between both of our marriages and we ultimately run off into the sunset together - leaving a trail of pain. But our love conquers all, our spouses recover in time and even find new spouses that are more compatible for them

.

 

You watch way too much TV my friend. In realtiy, 95% of R's that start as you describe end in failure within 5 years. And if you think its easy...turn off the TV.

 

3. I live in a loveless marriage but working hard to make it successful. Our kids finally move out but then I become deeply depressed that I wasn't more agressive in my youth to find a true soul mate.

Is this an outcome of conitued EA or what you have now?

What steps are you TAKING to save this M?

Why aren't you happy. Remember the bit about divulging details...yup...

 

4. My wife leaves me because I can't find enough love for her to keep her happy. My co-worker remains married but won't leave her husband for me. I become very depressed.

Almost a promise if you keep betraying your W. So STOP.

 

Options 3 and 4 are not really options because they end badly.

You gotta be kidding me. They aren't options because you don't like how they end?

 

Have you told this to your MC? Have you told this to your W?

What do you want OP?

 

I know I sound harsh. Deliberately so. Your post is rooted in a great deal of hopeful optimism aka lala land. A bit of a reality check.

[OUTFOXED]

there's no question that I'm in lala land and that I'm incredibly selfish. I understand that. The problem is that I don't feel as though I ever fell in love with my wife. We were very young when she fell in love with me and chose me. I feel like I went along for the ride starting in jr high. No marriage proposal or right of passage. 20 years later (10 years of marriage, 2 kids) am I suppose to just keep riding along? The feelings that I was having with this other woman were intense and I have no doubt now that those are the feelings of falling in love. So, what now? I just don't ever get to fall in love?

 

The fact is that on a compatibility test my wife and I would probably just score ok - not great. And I know she is a great person and probably deserves someone better than me. On the other hand, the OW and I would score really high. I'm not asking her to leave her husband I'm just coming to grips with the fact that there are people out there that could give me a great deal more happiness in my life. I honestly did not know that was possible having zero experience with other women. This particular woman has so much in common with me that it's scary - I can't help but continue to day dream, I know lala land! But I'm mature enough to realize that this is not reality. I'm not asking to continue the EA - I know that's what it was, I'm working with my wife to move forward. I just want to check in - it's been a long time. That's all.

 

I guess at this point, MC has taught me that I am selfish. Now what? It's driving me crazy that I have constant reminders of this other woman every day. All I want is to change her status from OW back to colleague/friend. She didn't do anything - it was my crush. I feel quilty about hurting both my wife and her as well. Is it impossible to ever be in contact with her again? No annual phone call? Is that really too much?

 

There are a lot of little details that can not being explained here but the first couple of responses are basically what I figured they would be. Not sure why I thought otherwise.

 

I guess I'll just continue to be in turmoil and try to not let that get in the way of my marriage. it hasn't been easy so far.

[2sure]

Needless to say this woman was incredibly important to me as a stepping stone in my social development.

 

Incredibly important in all the wrong ways. Your marriage should be developing instead. With you still holding out hope that the OW may someday leave her husband for you - as listed in your "options" it is pretty clear that the EA is not really over.,

 

It would be understandable for you to miss her...but to still be hoping, is still a threat to your marriage.

 

One of your options should be:

 

Continue NC with OW permanently , continue MC with wife - with the ultimate goal of repairing the damage I have done to marriage, learning about appropriate friendships, regaining trust, and improving the problems we had before the affair.

 

Since you have thought so much about your options and not listed the above - why are you joining your wife in MC? Unless you are being honest with her about your feelings, there is no point.

[smarterthanbefore]

I'm afraid you cannot have contact with this OW ever. If you want your marriage to work, contact cannot happen. This is very selfish of you to even consider. Do you not care about your wife at all? What if she had an EA behind your back and wanted to stay friends with him, how would you feel? Another thing that bothers me is this, do you really think you can think you are in love with someone, and stay friends with them, and not start to have those feelings again. This is another reason for NC. As long as OW is in picture, your marriage is doomed. You gave up rights of friendship with OW when you crossed the line and went to far. Do you know how to be just friends with a woman? Some men and women do not know how to be friends with the opposite sex without crossing the line, some can. Another thing, your wife did not put a gun up to your head and make you marry her. You chose that. If you did not love her, you should have never married her, and let her be with someone who will love and cherish her and who would have been a faithful loving husband. Stop acting like you are a victim and that your marriage is capital punishment. Grow up and be a real man and face what you have done, and put someone ahead of your selfishness. Your family deserve better. Yourwife deserve a better husband, you kids deserve a better role model for how a marriage should be. Did you not think of the damage done to your family. You cannot ever be just friends with a person you havehad an affair with. Show your wife some respect, and be grateful for this second chance with her. If you are not happy, then spare your wife more pain and humiliation, and remove yourself as her husband and make room for a real man to come in her life and give her what you are to selfish to give. That would be a non-selfish person who loves only her and is faithful and can be a great role model for what a husband should be for your kids.

[cadmus]

Was in a very similar position to you although mine developed into a PA after being EA.

 

You have no idea if life with the OW would be perfect as you don't really know her. I imagine the time you spend with her is limited to within work hours?

 

When I was with OW it was at that new phase of a relationship where everything is perfect and you think you are soul mates etc..

 

Say you gambled and tried for a life with the OW the newness of your relationship will wear off, reality willl set in. Bills, Family and all that stuff and you end up being with someone who you get along with just OK.

 

Something about you W has made you spend 10 years with her, the OW is fantasy. Go NC and focus on the good points of your M you can get the spark back but it is going to be very difficult.

 

The fog you are in is clouding your perception of your whole marital history and you brain is conning you into concentrating on the bad points of it so you can make your mind up and try for a life with the OW.

 

If you truly think your M is worthless then leave but be on your own and figure out what makes you happy before looking for someone to fill that void that is within you.

[OUTFOXED]

I don't know if holding out hope is the right way to put it. I just listed that as a possible option in terms of my wife's fear of me contacting her. But I do get it, it's not about hope as much as it is about consequence that benefits me - again selfish.

 

I am being honest with my wife. Which isn't helping. It only hurts her when I tell her the truth - but I've told my MC and my wife everything. Why am I with her? There are countless reasons why - she is amazing in every way possible, I'm just not convinced that we're completely compatible and happy together. I know I would be far worse off without her.

 

This is a former co-worker who's name comes up all the time at my work. There are too many reminders that are very painful and sometimes awkward moments at work - there is even a chance that she might move back to town. Because of our profession she would likely work at my office again. What am I suppose to do? Quit? I agree that I need to continue NC with OW but is permanently really the only way? Maybe I'm kidding myself. If there really is no other option than I think I need to find another job and remove all reminders of her from my life. Is that my only option? Really? Doesn't that make me look that much more pathetic and hurt my wife even more? What I want is to be be happy with my wife AND have an appropriate relationship with this woman. Sounds like it's not possible...

 

BTW, I think this is helping me and other threads too. It's hard to take something you don't want to hear.

[Meaplus3]

I can understand your feelings and pain here ea's are very tough to have gone through and recover from I had one myself while married and it was the most selfish awful thing I ever did. Now, What you need to focus on here is simple. Do you think your marriage is worth saving? If that answer is yes you need to fully commit to making it work. MC is a good first step. If your not willing to take those steps than your going to remain unhappy and could very well end up in another ea or even a pa down the road. The choice is yours. Most important NC with this OW. She needs to be out of the picture and 100 %. Best Wishes.

 

 

Mea:)

[jwi71]

OP,

 

I wonder if this isn't chicken and the egg situation: you didn't love your W so you had an A or you had an A and the "love" makes you think you do not love your W. It is almost impossible for the BS to compete with fantasy. The connection is always deeper, the sex always hotter, the excitement never before experienced - it must be true love. Oh no, I just realized I never loved my W after all. You would think that this revelation would send you running to the divorce lawyers.

 

So, if you truly love the OW - why not get divorced? I mean, she loves you too right? Her M is just a lousy as yours? So what are you two waiting for? File your papers and get married - its true love after all. STOP thinking about it - DO IT. No? What is stopping you?

 

And even if your OW won't leave her H you, at least you can be free to "legally and morally" pursue other women. And as a bonus, your amazing woman of a wife gets to find another to spend her days with. Sounds like nothing to lose here.

 

So....what ARE you waiting for?

 

You mean suddenly you aren't so sure? Don't tell me you are waiting for your OW to file first? Why do you need HER to file your D? Just file now and find "the true love of your life".

 

(Here's a hint: she has a ring which is eerily similar to the one you are already wearing)

[carhill]

OP, I'll try again. I've done this. How long have you been in MC? What have you learned?

 

Can you commit to 3 months of weekly MC and 100% NC with your friend?

[jointheclub]

I agree with previous poster: if you truly felt OW was the great love of your life and you can never be happy with your wife, it is baffling as to why you wouldn't get divorced and pursue your former colleague. Is it only because you think your feelings aren't reciprocated that you don't do it? Or is there actually some nagging feeling that you are not thinking clearly, you're romanticizing the OW, and you know you actually don't have a way to clearly assess what a relationship with her would be like (if you could even have one) years down the road?

 

You have chosen to work it out with your wife, so you must do so 100%. And I would wager that in a year's time, if you wholeheartedly commit to reconciliation, you might have a very different view of the OW and your EA, and you might be very relieved you didn't take rash action. If you really can't make it work with her, you can always get divorced and pursue the many other women out there that you imagine you'd be more compatible with.

 

It sounds like you need to know how to make regular friends, then this "friendship" might not have been so important to you and caused such a problem.

 

Do you really think calling the OW to check in once a year until the end of time is going to satisfy you in any way? One thing's for sure, it will cause your wife agonizing pain all out of proportion to whatever you get out of it. The only reason you even think that way is because you want to keep that option alive, which is completely unacceptable while you're trying to work it out with your wife.

 

BTW, we all do understand that you are in a difficult spot (albeit one you made) and this is hard for you. The difference is, since we're all emotionally detached, we can see your situation is in no way special.

 

Let go of the OW and commit to your wife. But don't torture her with this stuff. It's really quite cruel.

[Curmudgeon]

You're bargaining with yourself. Knawk it awf! Stand up straight, man-up and opt for one side of the coin or the other.

[GoodOnPaper]

Another thing, your wife did not put a gun up to your head and make you marry her. You chose that. If you did not love her, you should have never married her, and let her be with someone who will love and cherish her and who would have been a faithful loving husband. Stop acting like you are a victim and that your marriage is capital punishment. Grow up and be a real man and face what you have done, and put someone ahead of your selfishness. Your family deserve better. Yourwife deserve a better husband, you kids deserve a better role model for how a marriage should be. Did you not think of the damage done to your family. You cannot ever be just friends with a person you havehad an affair with. Show your wife some respect, and be grateful for this second chance with her. If you are not happy, then spare your wife more pain and humiliation, and remove yourself as her husband and make room for a real man to come in her life and give her what you are to selfish to give. That would be a non-selfish person who loves only her and is faithful and can be a great role model for what a husband should be for your kids.

 

Don't forget that she chose this "selfish" person to be her husband. His waffling doesn't make her a saint or guarantee that she is emotionally healthy enough to attract the "real man" you describe.

 

Outfoxed, it sounds like you have a deep-rooted pattern of passive rather than active choosing -- maybe it extends to areas of your life beyond personal relationships? Do you have risk-avoidant tendencies in general? Nonetheless, you are in a spot where you need to actively choose who you want to live your life with. If and when you make it, own that choice and I think you will make progress.

[Mr. Lucky]

There was no physical contact and no sexual tension.

2. I discover that my co-worker feels the same way about me as I feel about her. The EA continues and this creates a wedge between both of our marriages and we ultimately run off into the sunset together - leaving a trail of pain. But our love conquers all, our spouses recover in time and even find new spouses that are more compatible for them.

I think one of your issues is simply that you're not being honest - with yourself, your W and probably your co-worker. No inappropriate feelings or sexual tension? What would you do when you run off into the sunset together - crochet sweaters? The primary value of counseling for people in your situation is that it forces you to confront the truth. Once you arrive at that point, it's much easier to figure out what you want to do. You still have some way to go...

 

Mr. Lucky

[OUTFOXED]

I am being honest. I have sexual fantasies about her and inappropriate thoughts. The only line that I crossed (which was a pretty big line) is that I told her that I have feelings for her. I also told my wife and my MC. I've been completely honest with everyone. When I say no sexual tension I mean that it never progressed that far. She is married and I have complete respect for that - I never crossed the physical line but I certainly wanted to. She on the other hand is completely innocent other than trying to be a good friend to me. And she has respected my request to have NC for the past year. It has been a year, with counseling from the very beginning and much improvement in my marriage. There is just this nagging guilt that I have for the way things were left.

 

Here's the deal. If she wasn't married then I know in my gut that I would have been more aggressive and that we'd most likely be together. That really hurts me to think that I could do that to my wife and kids. But I'm not making this stuff up - it's just how I FEEL not how I want to feel. But she IS married and she lives across the country now. I really don't think anything is going to happen - I just want to check in with her to see how she's handling the move, what her thoughts are about moving back at some point in the future - did I screw up her life? I'm not pushing to run away with her or even continue the EA, I'm just trying to be a friend and remove the anxiety I have for being stupid in the first place.

 

I feel very fortunate that my wife has stuck with me for the past year AND that it never did progress past a crush/EA. i have a chance to save my marriage and we're working on that, but all I want is also a chance to have this woman be a friend too, maybe not now but at some point in the future. I respect the idea of NC, I just can't come to grips with the idea of permanent NC.

[carhill]

did I screw up her life?

 

No, you were a friend. Circumstances changed. She moved away. Life goes on. You're ascribing more significance to this than is warranted. Think about the friends you've lost touch with/disagreed with, etc. in your life....it's not that big of a deal..... for her.

 

I respect the idea of NC, I just can't come to grips with the idea of permanent NC.

 

Then how about permanent NC until you're single or your wife says different? People and circumstances change

[smarterthanbefore]

The way I see it, you have only two choices, you go permanent NC for life with OW and save your marriage, Or make contact with OW and you get a permanent divorce from your wife. What makes you think your wife will be okay with you remaining in contact with a woman you betrayed your vows of forsaking all others, (that do mean physically and mentally forsaking all others by the way) and keeping her as a friend. This is so selfish. Put yourself in your wifes place, would you be comfortable with her being friends with someone she has sexual fantasies about. You are putting you "friendship" with this woman as more important than your marriage, other wise you would not risk those feelings coming back by wanting to remain in contact. Your wife will eventually tire of all this and ask for a divorce. Is that what you want? Are you willing to destroy your family for someone else's wife? She will never leave her husband for you if that is what you are hoping. Has this OW even expressed the same feeling for you as well?

[Mr. Lucky]

i have a chance to save my marriage and we're working on that, but all I want is also a chance to have this woman be a friend too, maybe not now but at some point in the future.

Sometimes you don't get to have it all. You want to save your marriage, you don't get to have contact with your crush partner. It's a pretty simple choice...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jwi71]

I am being honest. I have sexual fantasies about her and inappropriate thoughts. The only line that I crossed (which was a pretty big line) is that I told her that I have feelings for her.

 

WRONG. You crossed many, many lines. For instance, allowing said feelings to develop is one of many.

 

I don't mean to be overly harsh but Hamlet, er, OP, you better thikn and choose lest it be made for you.

 

Here's the deal. If she wasn't married then I know in my gut that I would have been more aggressive and that we'd most likely be together. That really hurts me to think that I could do that to my wife and kids.

 

Why? Why does that hurt you?

 

But I'm not making this stuff up - it's just how I FEEL not how I want to feel. But she IS married and she lives across the country now. I really don't think anything is going to happen

 

Something WILL happen. There are at least four adults involved in this and any one them can make things happen - like divorce, or public humiliation or restraining order...and all kinds of nastiness.

 

- I just want to check in with her to see how she's handling the move, what her thoughts are about moving back at some point in the future - did I screw up her life? I'm not pushing to run away with her or even continue the EA, I'm just trying to be a friend and remove the anxiety I have for being stupid in the first place.

 

Then DO IT. Stop pining for woman who values her H more than you value your W. You can only debase her for so long before she DECIDES to pour all her energy into leaving you.

 

My friend, you MUST choose one or the other. And if you can't, then you need to be perfectly frank and clear with your W and your MC - you want both women. Then find a good lawyer.

 

I feel very fortunate that my wife has stuck with me for the past year AND that it never did progress past a crush/EA. i have a chance to save my marriage and we're working on that, but all I want is also a chance to have this woman be a friend too, maybe not now but at some point in the future. I respect the idea of NC, I just can't come to grips with the idea of permanent NC.

 

We all understand the affair fog - and many of us have lived it too. It sucks. No other way to describe it. But you had better clear your head before this problem get solved by someone else.

 

This marriage is hereby named the Titanic. you'd better change course.

[u91746]

Wow. Interesting to read your post here...very striking similarities to my situation.

 

I will tell you that in the midst of my EA which became a PA of sorts (no sex), I did have that conversation with her which you list in your 4 options. Really, there are only 2. We tried to put the brakes on this before it all broke, and I agreed, saying that this relationship only takes one of two paths, and both lead to tears:

 

(1) either we struck out together, abandoning our families, which was never really an option for her at least (I think, in hindsight, it was for me), which would cause endless heartache and tears for our BS and children alike;

 

(2) or we pursued the relationship further, which would eventually end with a decision to stay with our partners and children, which would sadden each of us.

 

Hard choices.

[Mr. Lucky]

(1) either we struck out together, abandoning our families, which was never really an option for her at least (I think, in hindsight, it was for me), which would cause endless heartache and tears for our BS and children alike;

 

(2) or we pursued the relationship further, which would eventually end with a decision to stay with our partners and children, which would sadden each of us.

 

Hard choices.

Or:

 

(3) we realized that we were lying, cheating and betraying the vows that we had each made to our spouses (and expected them to honor) and that the very nature of our affair and the emotional energy we invested in it might be a contributing cause to our marital issues and dissatisfaction. We therefore decided to have no further innappropriate contact, told our spouses everything and started to work on our narriages.

 

Perhaps you left that one out by mistake ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Dexter Morgan]

I'm currently struggling with the aftermath of an emotional affair with a former co-worker. It's a long story so I won't go into any details but I really need some guidance on what to do next from people who have gone through this.

 

The EA ended a year ago. My wife was hurt deeply and I feel horrible - we are in counseling. I am hurt deeply too because this woman was starting to become an important friend and was torn away from me.

 

 

Sorry to say, but thats just too damn bad. You should feel hurt because of the hurt you put on your wife.

 

 

I completely understand the consequences of a continued EA but at this point I feel a very strong desire to want to contact her to check in and see how she's doing.

 

If you do, then just divorce your wife because you'd be disrepecting her more than you already have.

 

 

 

And eventually, with more work on my own marriage I'd like to be able to have infrequent and appropriate check-ins from time to time -

 

Wrong. ANY contact with a woman you developed feelings for is inappropriate. The only appropriate contact you should have with this other woman is NO CONTACT. And your wife shouldn't be expected to put up with anything less than that.

 

How would you like it if your wife had an affair on you and still remained good friends with the other man? don't say you'd be ok with it simply because you don't have to deal with that situation. Put yourself in your wife's shoes.

 

 

perhaps maybe only once a year or less.

 

Or if you want to stay married and you are TRULY working on your marriage.....perhaps never.

 

 

 

I see 4 possible outcomes from checking in with my former co-worker who I've had no contact with whatsoever for 1 year.

 

1. I learn to realize that my crush was just a crush, I discover there are more qualities that I love about my wife than my co-worker and my obsession diminishes. I continue to respect her as a colleague and friend with very infrequent but guilt-free contact. My wife learns to trust me because I'm able to devote all my attention and affection on her.

 

2. I discover that my co-worker feels the same way about me as I feel about her. The EA continues and this creates a wedge between both of our marriages and we ultimately run off into the sunset together - leaving a trail of pain. But our love conquers all, our spouses recover in time and even find new spouses that are more compatible for them.

 

3. I live in a loveless marriage but working hard to make it successful. Our kids finally move out but then I become deeply depressed that I wasn't more agressive in my youth to find a true soul mate.

 

4. My wife leaves me because I can't find enough love for her to keep her happy. My co-worker remains married but won't leave her husband for me. I become very depressed.

 

A few of these things you have highlighted are kind of contradictory. You say you are in a loveless marriage, but in #4 its like you are admitting its because you aren't giving the love and she is wanting it?

 

And now in #4 we find out your co-worker is married and you might even want her to leave her husband if your wife left you?

 

Doesn't sound like a relatioship with no sexual tension to me. If you didn't have the kind of feelings for this woman to say there is no sexual tension between you two, then why are you saying things like that? Nobody wishes their affair partner would leave their spouse if they didn't want to consumate in any way the relationship. I don't believe you and her didn't want to have sex with each other. Therefore I am not buying your earlier attempt to diminish the act of the EA.

 

I think you simply need to man up and make a decision. Your wife, the OW, or be alone. If you pick your wife, then you need to drop this OW completely and stop the ridiculous idea of keeping in contact with her.

 

 

 

Options 3 and 4 are not really options because they end badly. But options 1 and 2 both end well for me but with completely different outcomes. I'm worried that by not checking in with my co-worker the weight swings towards options 3 or 4. But checking-in with her gives me some hope no matter which way things ultimately turn out.

 

Well if this is the way you feel, then divorce your wife. She doesn't need to put up with a husband that is keeping his options open.

[Dexter Morgan]

I am being honest. I have sexual fantasies about her and inappropriate thoughts. The only line that I crossed (which was a pretty big line) is that I told her that I have feelings for her. I also told my wife and my MC. I've been completely honest with everyone. When I say no sexual tension I mean that it never progressed that far. She is married and I have complete respect for that

 

Apparantly not if you felt the need to tell this woman how you felt and developed an EA with her. Doesn't sound like respecting her marriage to me.

 

 

Here's the deal. If she wasn't married then I know in my gut that I would have been more aggressive and that we'd most likely be together.

 

Ah, so HER marriage was to be respected, but YOURS was not?

 

 

i have a chance to save my marriage and we're working on that, but all I want is also a chance to have this woman be a friend too, maybe not now but at some point in the future.

 

Any contact you have with the OW negates any work you are doing with your marriage. Either respect your wife or get out of her life.

 

 

I respect the idea of NC, I just can't come to grips with the idea of permanent NC.

 

Then get a divorce. Your wife doesn't deserve a man who has designs and feelings for another woman.