Author SupportGroupie Posted December 27, 2008 Author Posted December 27, 2008 JJ Congratulations for being strong and telling him no. I know how hard that is. You give me hope that one day I can finally look the other way and not keep putting up with the bullsh**. You do deserve someones total attention and heart, not half...not part. You know the odd thing is, I was with a few men (ex bo's) that game me total heart and trust and honest and made me the most important thing...but it always came back to no one making me feel what I felt with MM and thats painful and pitiful. I am so weak for him and I could not believe how weak I would ever be. ANyway, thanks for sharing. am so glad you finally found the strength to say no and not settle for what someone is giving you, when its less that you deserve. I wish I could do the same thing. I get a jump in my stomach thinking about him, and he always said he did with me. BUT none of that shi* matters in the end. If they are wildly in love with us, it does not matter if they are M are incapable of being honest even when separated. I have been treated very well by men, and it just makes me completely confused that I would allow myself to treat myself this way, and let someone do it as well. I know I was weak when I met this man, but I thought i was a lot stronger now, and I see that in many ways I am not. I am really thankful for hear your story, it means a lot. I hope you find peace and love or whatever it is you want, and you are full and whole and happy. I mean that truly. thanks, your story helps me want to move on, though I clearly have not done it. SG
frannie Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 I re read his last emails to me, and with a clearer head..it seems he was completely telling me there is no other women, (I am not sure i believe it...but it is written in an email to me) and he reaffirmed that I mean a lot to him, but the overall message is still greater, that his life is in shambles, he is torn apart, his wife and kids hate him for breakig up the family, and this is the lowest point of his life. SG, what you could do is take this at completely face value. Understand that he's at the lowest point of his life and needs time to process. Actually being involved with him at this time sounds counter-productive anyway. Maybe he'll find himself free and wanting to be with you, and maybe he won't. But he's obviously left the marriage for himself, and perhaps that's the best way. Maybe just accept that he's going to need to take some time and there are no guarantees about the outcome..?
jj33 Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 No none of it matters. I still have strong feelings for him and him for me but really it doesnt matter in the least. I guess i lose patience when I hear people saying I am accepting less than I want and deserve I am just so weak for him. What does that mean? And HOW do you think it is going to get you what you want? Being a doormat never ever gets you what you want in the end. It only teaches people to treat you like a doormat.
Author SupportGroupie Posted December 27, 2008 Author Posted December 27, 2008 Frannie right on, I agree at this point, all these threads and wonderfully helpful responses have started to shift my view. I did leave him with some direct questions, and will see what if anything I get back in response but I am moving on....and do not want to be involved with him right now anymore anyway. Not my sensible brain. I dont need or want that guilt or mess. thanks so much for you help, really. I have taken up a lot of peoples time and I appreciate the help from the bottom of my mangled heart...lol I am actually getting eager to move on from him and from other things that were holding me back AMEN, can I hear a AMEN in da' house...lol? SG
Author SupportGroupie Posted December 27, 2008 Author Posted December 27, 2008 JJ what I want is changing, and may well be part of the past. I dont quite know what I want. I deserve to treat myself and treat others with self respect. I think thats what I want. Just the truth. I can live with the truth. Not quite sure how to respond to this, because I think perhaps you already have an answer in mind..or how you feel. I really only want clarity and i probably wont get it. I dont want him to drop his life and move here, I wont move, I want an open honest conversation I guess because its hard to give up those years...and feel like they were a lie or I was a fool....If you could not tell before now...surely you know I dont know what I want. I am hurt but feeling stronger...i have never been real weak with men..i was weak with him..meaning i had a love and soft spot and heart for him greater than anyone i had previously been with. just not sure what you are asking. I dont have an agenda, i like honest communication no matter how hard the truth is. I think he is avoiding anything hard...or that makes his accountable for his actions, with me or others. i just want to probably move on at this point..cause the more i talk about it, the more real it gets and the more stupid and pathetic I feel and sound. Perhaps next post will be about winning the lottery, saving the whales or something completely light and fun...lol thanks JJ I am spent with my own thoughts and feelings, and just think i need to let it marinate and simmer and stew and process what I can and move on. I see you have strong views for what you needed to do, clearly I don't, not yet...But i am getting good signs that show me I am on a good path in so many other ways, and letting him go emotionally can only be a good thing I want peace in my heart, not with another but within me. I dont have that Ah, writing can be so deep SG
Author SupportGroupie Posted December 27, 2008 Author Posted December 27, 2008 JJ You have clearly come to a place where you need to be, and you stay on a path. Great for you really. I am not clear on what I want and what i dont want. But doormat, hmmm, thats not how I feel. I feel confused. Some people (and eventually I hope I do) can just draw than line in the sand and say..ITS OVER, nothing matters but that it is over. I sure as hell would not tell him "dont ever contact me again, I never want to see you again" in hopes that this would make him rush to see me and be with me. UGH no that is not me. I DONT play games, pls understand that. I dont make statements to have some other agenda, I play it real, and honest. I asked him what he feels, and I told him what I feel. I want a response, good or bad. I made my own bed and am responsible for how I handle this, but it does not change that i am curious to say the least to hear something from him. Not an agenda of what i want to hear, cause I dont even know that. I want some clarity and closure...and believe me, i know that i can create the closure and just move on, not contact him, not asnwer him. I am not stupid, I know i have the power to do all this, i dont need him to tell me to go away or to stay. I want some answers. If I get them, great, if I dont, then that sure makes it even easier...I put him behind me... one way, i will move on. just have no set thing for what i expect... confusing yes okay think i am done for the night, onto happy fun things...great movies, and other things....gotta clear the head, and happy to cheers SG
jj33 Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 All Im saying is you dont get closure from these men. YOu could start a post and ask who thought they got closure I suspect the numbers would be very very few. I hope you find your peace in time.
mytruelove Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 gosh, i'm so sorry that i have been absent for a while. i took a break over the holidays to focus on things at home and gain some clarity and perspective for the new year. so, i'm behind. so you sent him the e-card. any response from him? i'm still reading your post hear and wondering what real communication the two of you have had? i hate to see you in turmoil waiting and wondering, but not really asking him outright what is going on... or telling him how you are feeling. you have all these questions and i might be a minority here, but...i say just ask him. talk to him. tell him how you feel. what do you have to lose in doing this...as long as it is in feeling messages and not telling him what to do. but, there are so many similiarities in our stories that i feel i am right there with you and understand completely. i did just have a conversation with a friend about REALLY listening to others and taking what they have to say at face value. there has to be that underlying trust there. remember i heard the same things from my guy about needing space and the ex's being upset, etc. if not, go back to my "too much in my head" thread. what i wasn't hearing was that it was NOT about me and i feel he was being honest with me about his feelings and he just needed some breathing room. i got all panicked and put on the choke hold. this didn't help. i say state how you feel and ask him the questions you are asking here. i think you have a right to know so you can decide what is best for you and then put what is best for you first. take care hon. i'll write more later.
herenow Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 All Im saying is you dont get closure from these men. YOu could start a post and ask who thought they got closure I suspect the numbers would be very very few. I hope you find your peace in time. I think that many OW are getting "closure". It's just not the kind of "closure" that they want to hear. My H was very clear with his OW that their affair was over and that he was the cause of everyone's pain. He was very clear that their affair was about him and his problems. He was completely honest and kind to her because he wanted to take full responsibility for his actions. He dealt with her in a way that should have given her full "closure". However, she didn't want to hear the truth. All she wanted was him to tell her that he loved her and if he could, he would be with her. She didn't accept the reality that he had a problem and she was a fix for that problem. She found it hard to believe that he was able to end the affair since she felt they were "soul mates". She begged him to tell her that she meant more to him and wanted to continue to be a part of his life. Since I had made him move out, she was certain that he would run to her. When he didn't, she refused to accept that he just didn't fell the same about her that she did about him. He was very clear with her, gave her "closure", but she didn't accept it.
frannie Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 I think that many OW are getting "closure". It's just not the kind of "closure" that they want to hear. My H was very clear with his OW that their affair was over and that he was the cause of everyone's pain. He was very clear that their affair was about him and his problems. He was completely honest and kind to her because he wanted to take full responsibility for his actions. He dealt with her in a way that should have given her full "closure". However, she didn't want to hear the truth. All she wanted was him to tell her that he loved her and if he could, he would be with her. She didn't accept the reality that he had a problem and she was a fix for that problem. She found it hard to believe that he was able to end the affair since she felt they were "soul mates". She begged him to tell her that she meant more to him and wanted to continue to be a part of his life. Since I had made him move out, she was certain that he would run to her. When he didn't, she refused to accept that he just didn't fell the same about her that she did about him. He was very clear with her, gave her "closure", but she didn't accept it. All of which goes to show that you need to make your own 'closure', because everyone's 'closure', just like everyone's 'reality' is completely different. What's to say that a WS has 'a problem' and that the OW is 'a fix' for that? That's just one version of reality, just so happens to suit BSs and reformed WS. Moral is: make your own closure, and make it one that suits you , BS, WS or OW.
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