Could you walk away, now that he is FREE?

[SupportGroupie]

Hi

If your MM or MW got separated and you think they may be not interested in you anymore, or perhaps they are considering someone else, not you, after all these years of saying they want you..what would you do?

 

Would you sit and be patient and see if they come around, assuming they are going through a lot of emotional pain after ending a 20 plus marriage with kids, grandkids effected???

 

I am stuck. I feel this RUN FORREST RUN thing, that I am a fool and should not contact him at all. For about 6 yrs I waited patiently to see what he would, where things would end up. He never spoke about leaving her to be with me, I never wanted him to.

 

But he did, all along, tell me he was in love with me and if he ever separated he would want to see me. We never talked a future, nor had a lot of time together.

 

But what is driving me crazy is while he was with his wife, he seemed very in love and crazy for me. Now that he is actually separated (again....we met when he was separated) he seems to have all but disapeared in way. I feel no connection from him.

 

WHile I know he is grieving splitting his family, I feel completely hurt and baffled at this change in tone, emails..etc. We did not talk often (i made sure of that) and the last time we did all the feelings were there still..or again.

 

I dont know if I should just consider he does not want the same things he did, he is too hurt to consider anyone, or he is playing me for a total fool and has another person he is with...

 

My fear and hurt is that he was having an affair with someone else...or met someone else he likes..and thats why he got separated..not for me...which was never the case anyway. I want to walk the hell away thinking it has BAD BAD BAD written all over it. I am just so hurt and spent so much time waiting for him to be free...and now that he is..i am not sure i am in the picture.

 

He wont talk but in vague sentences..saying I am emotionally drained and hurt and my family hates me...etc etc...but no where in there do i see anything about me and us ...down the road. I think he has someone else that lives closer to him and is there. He did not discuss with me that he was leaving his wife...he emailed me after he did it...just to let me know.

 

Now he acts like i am an old drinking buddy he used to pal around with...and that he will be in touch....

 

I think he is full of shi* and i invested my heart and time...and believed he really was only roomates with his wife. They seemed to spend no time together, share nothing. (i have no idea since he lives many hundred miles away)

 

I know i need to walk away..but how do i get over the pain and years and thoughts about the fact that we was BSing for some time ....

 

is it possible this person just needs time and will resurface???? I dont think so...I think he wants something closer and easier..and i am neither.

 

How would you feel if your MM or MW finally got separated and you seem to not be in the picture...??

 

any good tools i can use to help myself walk away? I read a lot, I do some therapy and i am pretty strong except when it comes to him. I have a full life, would never move to be with him..but feel so drained and mostly curious. I want to spy, I want to know. I never did before...now i want to say YOU FRIGGIN *IP*(Y*()*(

you hurt me, lied and wha wha wahhhhhh

 

I always had morals and values that contradicted what i was doing, but also..from his words...she cheated and they also decided to (SWING) for a small short time, like 6 months, which is why their marriage fell apart the first time, when I met him. So that always stuck in my mind.

HE said she was the one who begged him to swing and she also slept with his best friend...so he was done...

 

BUT went back to her. So somewhere in there i mildly justified being with him, tho the guilt was severe.

 

anyway, just rambling. I am going crazy..this just happened in November....so i know its really new...but i think he is lying and his heart is elsewhere.

 

I SO want to forget him for good. Just dont know how, and how to heal from the lies and hurt.

 

thanks for letting me vent.

Being the OW sux ass

Support Groupie

[Adri Ana]

Hi

If your MM or MW got separated and you think they may be not interested in you anymore, or perhaps they are considering someone else, not you, after all these years of saying they want you..what would you do?

 

Would you sit and be patient and see if they come around, assuming they are going through a lot of emotional pain after ending a 20 plus marriage with kids, grandkids effected???

 

I am stuck. I feel this RUN FORREST RUN thing, that I am a fool and should not contact him at all. For about 6 yrs I waited patiently to see what he would, where things would end up. He never spoke about leaving her to be with me, I never wanted him to.

 

But he did, all along, tell me he was in love with me and if he ever separated he would want to see me. We never talked a future, nor had a lot of time together.

 

But what is driving me crazy is while he was with his wife, he seemed very in love and crazy for me. Now that he is actually separated (again....we met when he was separated) he seems to have all but disapeared in way. I feel no connection from him.

 

WHile I know he is grieving splitting his family, I feel completely hurt and baffled at this change in tone, emails..etc. We did not talk often (i made sure of that) and the last time we did all the feelings were there still..or again.

 

I dont know if I should just consider he does not want the same things he did, he is too hurt to consider anyone, or he is playing me for a total fool and has another person he is with...

 

My fear and hurt is that he was having an affair with someone else...or met someone else he likes..and thats why he got separated..not for me...which was never the case anyway. I want to walk the hell away thinking it has BAD BAD BAD written all over it. I am just so hurt and spent so much time waiting for him to be free...and now that he is..i am not sure i am in the picture.

 

He wont talk but in vague sentences..saying I am emotionally drained and hurt and my family hates me...etc etc...but no where in there do i see anything about me and us ...down the road. I think he has someone else that lives closer to him and is there. He did not discuss with me that he was leaving his wife...he emailed me after he did it...just to let me know.

 

Now he acts like i am an old drinking buddy he used to pal around with...and that he will be in touch....

 

I think he is full of shi* and i invested my heart and time...and believed he really was only roomates with his wife. They seemed to spend no time together, share nothing. (i have no idea since he lives many hundred miles away)

 

I know i need to walk away..but how do i get over the pain and years and thoughts about the fact that we was BSing for some time ....

 

is it possible this person just needs time and will resurface???? I dont think so...I think he wants something closer and easier..and i am neither.

 

How would you feel if your MM or MW finally got separated and you seem to not be in the picture...??

 

any good tools i can use to help myself walk away? I read a lot, I do some therapy and i am pretty strong except when it comes to him. I have a full life, would never move to be with him..but feel so drained and mostly curious. I want to spy, I want to know. I never did before...now i want to say YOU FRIGGIN *IP*(Y*()*(

you hurt me, lied and wha wha wahhhhhh

 

I always had morals and values that contradicted what i was doing, but also..from his words...she cheated and they also decided to (SWING) for a small short time, like 6 months, which is why their marriage fell apart the first time, when I met him. So that always stuck in my mind.

HE said she was the one who begged him to swing and she also slept with his best friend...so he was done...

 

BUT went back to her. So somewhere in there i mildly justified being with him, tho the guilt was severe.

 

anyway, just rambling. I am going crazy..this just happened in November....so i know its really new...but i think he is lying and his heart is elsewhere.

 

I SO want to forget him for good. Just dont know how, and how to heal from the lies and hurt.

 

thanks for letting me vent.

Being the OW sux ass

Support Groupie

 

 

 

Reading your story,many of us would get really curious wtf is going on with him .

I suggest you to wait a bit,

but still you have all rights to ask him straight .

He has to reply the truth .

 

As getting separated from the family does not mean that this all happened to him allllll of a sudden (oh) ,but he planned it and it happened ,

so he has to have some mind left to answer you properly what all is about really

 

 

 

Wish you best of luck !

Stalk him until you know the truth..

[Focus_On_The_Process]

Hi SG. Sorry but yeah I think you need to walk away. I have no idea where he's at, but I'm pretty sure that in general getting confrontational or needy or challenging isn't a very good way to secure someone's attention or affection. (Please note that it's totally reasonable and normal to feel all those things. But you need to be smart about how you express those feelings.)

 

You might want to check out the "separation and divorce" board, and/or look for a thread on "34 rules." The more you stress and push and fight, the less attractive you are. If you resolve to just walk away (which is a little different than run, btw), if you're cool and unmoved and can take it or leave it... Well that might be the end of it. But you might bring him back around, too.

 

Which may or may not be a good thing. But it seems like it's something that you're interested in...

 

Good luck.

[SupportGroupie]

Thanks AA and FOP

 

Yeah I am just not the stalker or pushy type. I would not do that, never really did with him. Told him to handle his life, do his thing, (they separated before he met me, so I was not the cause the first time or second..)..lol....and figure out what he needs. Never pushed. I actually stayed away...

 

I did, after he emailed me to tell me he was separated...i did of course have some follow up questions, but they were kind, loving and open ended....and i expressed sorrow for his pain and wished them all some healing. I was not bitter freak...i do care he is in pain. That is who i am.

 

So no worries about me pushing him hard for answers. I send an email or two since, and one was a little pissy cause i was so confused....why he told me...at all..when it seemed he was in such a f-up place.

 

The wife desperately wants him back...big time, he says.

But no where in the small email chats we have had, do i hear anything about me...or us..so I assume he is into something else...besides all the emotion from his marriage. I gave this man so much slack and time. I feel sick about it.

 

Anyway, I wont press it, just wish i knew what the FK was going on...cause i feel lost in it. I guess I deserve this pain. Being with him was the most joyful and painful experience i have ever had emotionally...so the signs are on the wall.

 

ITS still painful and i cant trust a thing...so i am not waiting. No chance. I have no interest in dating, just ended a long term relationship that was very hard...and taxing...but honest and loving. I did not date/fool around with the MM when I was in my loving relationship. I said NO WAY....so for that i am proud.

 

BUT life moves on. I just want to scrub away the intense pain abt the lies..or deception or not getting any answers from him. The vagueness makes me ill...cause i am not needy or pressing...

 

anyway, this is my punishment for going against my morals and gods...i do believe no good can come out of me being with him...tho the feelings are still there. Never was able to let him go in my heart, regardless of who else came in.

 

Y)&UI*(U*$%^&*()(*&^

lol

 

I will gradually move on ...but hell...in 6-7 yrs i never got over him, but now i think i can work on it more cause I think he is being selfish and dishonest and playing me. AND HOMEY DONT PLAY THAT...lol

 

would love to send his ex a letter saying DONT BEG FOR THIS MAN BACK, he will just cheat and cheat..but i would never do that..BUT it feels good to say it.

 

thanks for your support

SG

[LavendarGirl]

You might want to check out the "separation and divorce" board, and/or look for a thread on "34 rules."

 

Focus, thanks for the tip.

 

SG,

 

Okay, first of all, if he separated from his W just a month ago, that's a very fresh wound for him. From your description, he's probably depressed or pretty close to it. He has to sort out his emotions, he probably isn't ready for a relationship, and if he gets into one too sound, it's going to have rebound written all over it.

 

I know it's killing you wondering WHY he got a separation in the first place. Was he seeing another OW? Well, what that's really saying is that you wonder if he was cheating on YOU, right? I mean, it's already established that he could cheat on his W (you're here after all, the OW), but the bigger question is how deep his cheating pattern established? Was he tempted by you because of extraordinary circumstances, or were you one of many?

 

Okay, that's a good question to find out EVENTUALLY. But you aren't going to find out now, that's for certain. He's not going to be communicative with you right now, so honesty without communication is out the window!

 

Maybe you can send him a generic email now just to say you wish him well, and you would like to hear from him in the future when he's ready. And then you can plan on talking to him a couple of months down the road. That way he can sort out his feelings (and so can you), and if he's thinking about returning to his W, maybe that will play out without you being in the picture.

 

SG, hang in there, girl. You know I'm rooting for you.

[2sure]

A co-worker of my husband was having an affair and some of us knew about it. I was not surprised when he and his wife divorced. I was very surprised when he remarried within a year....to someone other than OW - who we had met.

 

And before that I knew a woman who was dating MM for years...and the same thing broke her heart.

 

Now, I have been both an OW and a BS, so I say this with no pleasure...

 

I asked my H about this "phenomenon" because it seems so senseless..

 

He told me that its easy to be all emotional and hot with an affair partner because choices are limited as to women who will enter into an affair.

 

But that once they are free, they dont want to marry the kind of woman who would have an affair. Even if with him.

 

Its sickening.

[wildsoul]

He told me that its easy to be all emotional and hot with an affair partner because choices are limited as to women who will enter into an affair.

 

But that once they are free, they dont want to marry the kind of woman who would have an affair. Even if with him.

 

Its sickening.

I was thinking that very same thing just now. Although it's also possible "he's just not that into you." It doesn't necessarily mean he's judging you for being an OW (and it sounds like you weren't?)

 

Sadly, you do have to accept that he's giving you "the fade." That's a semi-polite way of saying "not into you," without having to be cruel and reject you outright. Take the hint and walk away gracefully. You don't want someone that isn't madly in love with you anyways!

[jj33]

Im not even going to read the rubbish about having an A with someone you wouldnt be with - I wouldnt ever seriously consider peeing on the same block as someone with that sort of mentality if I had a choice - its terribly misogynous.

 

That being said, if someone dared to do what you suggest i would walk away so fast he wouldnt hear me leave. That quick. I may or may not yell scream on my way out but I would leave and fast. After everything if he doesnt KNOW he wants you, then you leave. Now. You were an option long enough. Dont let it continue. Much as it hurts.

 

If he is really going through an adjustment to whatever he will come round. Dont you dare sit there and let him audition you some more or ever use you as a fallback again.

[SupportGroupie]

JJ33

Sorry, maybe I made it seem simple. For 5 plus years I was madly in love with this man (only man ever...for me, and I am above the age of 40) and badly wanted a chance, future with him. THrough the lies, pain, back and forth, exhaustion and now how he handled his separation news..etc I dont see a future with him. I never would play or toy with anyones feelings ...I was killing myself to get past him and let him go in so many ways.

 

So, point being he was not a fling and fantasy. We told eachother we were meant to be all that deep crap MM say to us..lol...and yada yada. I have sort of left it go and let the ball in his court.

 

I am not pushing this guy or expecting anything much at this point. Not my style..i never pushed him back then, sure would not do it now. You have to understand, i met this man when he was separated and in town...for a month on business (i know red flag). He seemed anything but torn and broken abt his separation and wife. She cheated, they had issues, etc. So its just strange now that after 5-6 yrs of loving me, he is separated (told me as recenly as a few months ago he loved me still..) he now is having a hard time handling the new separation and cant speak to me...and deal with anything?

 

I am not stupid or lame, healing takes time. Hell I would not want him to show up on my doorstep and say I AM HERE, LETS DATE...because too much has happened and its too soon. But I sure as hell expected something...anything....other than this.

 

Yes he was very into me, he may not be anymore...but i can tell you a few months ago he was...no question. Enough said about that. I am the one that stopped things from happening...I pulled back, he made the move to come see me, and i told him i had a relationship and would not cheat. I saw him, and he wanted way more than drinks and a high five.

 

My guess is he got caught with another women he had been dating or sleeping with or something. I sure cant see him leaving her without me being a consideration in the future..if there was not a compelling reason right there ...I think he was having an affair with someone else.

 

That right there should tell me to haul my ass out of stupid land and fly right..lol

 

thanks so much for your support, its been a hellish month or two...very confusing....and painful..but the whole thing has been this way from the get go.

 

Thank God I found my morals and faith because of this situation. It prompted me to seek a way more moral and God driven lifestyle. I pray I never do this again with anyone. Its not my style, its not my values and it makes me sick.

 

But I am very pissed off and hurt and feel played. I am sure his wife is 1000 times more hurt and torn...from him. I do not know if she ever knew about me. I do not know if she was cheating on his still. what a mess

 

Hugs to you all for helping. I have gotten a lot of strength and pain from this group...its hard stating what you have done and living with it out loud..here

 

Merry Xmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Chanukah and Happy New Year to all.

 

ITS bad being the OW...it just is

SG

[GreenEyedLady]

I am a little confused here. You have been with him 6 years and just ended a loving R recently but never cheated? I'm not sure how that adds up.

 

If your instinct is to run, then do it. You owe him nothing. And he owes you nothing from the sound of it.

 

He is like a could've been. Just go on with your life and see how it plays out. He's not ready right now. Doesn't mean he won't be in the future.

[SupportGroupie]

Hi Green EL

Sorry it is confusing. I was in a Long distance affair for several years. I only saw him about once a year, but it was beyond intense and had other aspects to it that made it soul pounding in ways. I was NOT dating anyone for like 3-4 years of this.

 

I decided not to wait for this man, and hated how it made me feel, so I eventually dated and found a great, loving man. I was committed to him. I still had deep and painful and confusing feelings for MM, it just did not end because I met someone great. I carried a lot of intense feelings for him as he did for me.

 

Since we did not live in the same state, it was easier a lot easier. I was with my boyfriend and treated him well and he knew all about MM. I was not physically seeing MM when I was in my relationship. I only saw him once when he came to town for business. I told MM and my boyfriend...what the deal was.

 

Told MM i could not be physical and be like we were in the past because of my boyfriend. My boyfriend knew I was meeting MM for a drink. Everyone knew the deal. WAS I STUPID in hindsight to meet MM at all. YES. But i thought my feelings had subsided enough to do this in a healthy way. It backfired...for obvious reasons but I did not sleep with him and took my ass home after a few drinks. What ensued in that time period was very intense and the feelings came up and we admitted things to eachother. It totally messed with my head, says the i love yous...i was a mess...He went back to where he lives. Because i did not want to lie to my BF or hurt him, we broke up...i was very confused and respected my BF too much to keep having feelings for MM and be with BF. BF and I got back together and broke up many times...now are broken up.

 

In this time frame, MM got separated. So here I am sort of mourning the breakup (which is the right thing to do..had nothing to do with MM just my feelings for BF were not what they needed to be, he was in love, I was not). So here I am, single, for the first time in a while, and MM is separated for first time in 6 years.

 

In all this time, he has confessed his love and told me he could not get over me and would want to see me, etc start something if he were not married. Its way more complicated than this, but this is why its hard.

 

I am now single, though not interested in a relationship of any heaviness...trying to work thru my old relationship and current feelings for MM...but its just bizarre and hurtful that now that he and I have a chance to hang out without their being others in picture...its bad timing and he is sort of lost in his own world, always was.

 

Anyway, its unhealthy to worry about him or the future with him. There is not one. I assume that if I wanted to see him and was in his state, he would see me, but I dont thikn he has given any real thought to being with me in a "real" world...now that I see things more clearly.

 

This site has helped me see some things I never could see before or did not want to.

 

thanks

SG

[LavendarGirl]

Hi SG,

Wow, I didn't realize the last part of your history with MM (last part chronologically about getting sort of EA again with him and then your breaking up with your BF due to conflicting feelings you were having). Was that like, within the last year or so? Are you sure the W didn't discover emails or something to that effect, between you and the sM?

 

I agree completely with you about this forum being invaluable. The whole OW role is taboo, it's very hard to confide in friends that you are having an A, much less turn to them when things go bad...without getting the proverbial I Told You So thrown at ya.

 

--LG.

[SupportGroupie]

LG

howdy

I have no idea abt the W and what she knows. I dont think its about me...my thoughts are that he had shacked up with someone else.

 

Yes it our timeline, me and MM i saw him recently.lol...within the last 4-5 months...which is recent. My BF and i broke up recently. Its all been recent.I did not end things with BF due to MM. But its odd that its all happening at same time.

 

Life hands you things, you have to deal with them. Its my fault for wasting 6 years or so...waiting to see what MM would do. I basically could not really or did not truly fall for anyone else in nearly the same way as MM. I tried to get out there...and let it go.

 

Also, by nature, I enjoy being single way more than dating so it was not hard to sort of wait around to see what MM would do ...in a way...but it became grueling..based on the things he said he felt for me.

 

LIES..lol..and LIES...to get what he wanted. He seemed abd might have been very sweet and in love, but I think he really needed a distraction from his heavy life. He made it seem I was the most unique thing he had ever met, you have no idea..or you might. They all sound alike now..

 

hugs and onward....straight ahead...dont look back

Support G

[jj33]

Im sorry you are going through this it sounds very painful and unbelievably disappointing.

 

Run dont walk.

 

If he follows you and proves to you that you are the one and the only one he wants then there is something to think about with him.

 

Otherwise run, do what you need to do to heal. I stand by my earlier advice. I know you may not be ready to hear it right now but it doesnt matter how many years you loved him. If someone isnt ready to be with you or worse you think he was caught with another woman?? Run.

 

Even now after MM and I have been apart over a year if he left his w and told me he left and he needed time to think i would say good for you - we are apart we will continue to be apart. No way would I "be there" now that he was single and making his decision.

 

I havent dated anyone since I stopped seeing MM - Im older than you are. So I understand what you are saying but that is no excuse to let this man disrespect you.

 

You dont audition. You dont wait. For anyone.

 

This is the end of the year make 2009 a new year for you about being with someone who KNOWS they love you. Not about pining away for someone who is unclear.

[SupportGroupie]

JJ

thanks

great advice. There is writing all over the walls....and it's not pretty poetry..lol

 

This morning I checked my email and realized that this man just now checked an email I sent him a week ago....a week ago or more. It was a quick litter short email card, wishing him good luck during his hard time. Thats was it. Just said, something like, hope you find peace. Northing about me or us.

 

Because these ecards tell you when someone receives them, it seems he did not get around to it for 8 days. Oh well. Unless I give him real reason to respond fast, he never does. This says even more..abt what he is doing or not doing. he is either back with his wife..or she is there, or he is with someone else it seems. Cant imagine him having to sneak around to open and view eamil if he is separated and she moved out. So there is more here.

 

Often he will say he was traveling for a week or so..and did not have his computer. I dont believe that a bit, not from him.

 

So more fuel for the fire and more reason to RUN FAST and YES start new year fresh. I will be curious to see if he tries to contact me at all.

 

Thanks for your help and support, it means a lot. Its been a hard time..and i dont really talk to my friends about it.

 

MERRY XMAS and happy holidays

Sup Grp

[frannie]

This morning I checked my email and realized that this man just now checked an email I sent him a week ago....a week ago or more. It was a quick litter short email card, wishing him good luck during his hard time. Thats was it. Just said, something like, hope you find peace. Northing about me or us.

 

Because these ecards tell you when someone receives them, it seems he did not get around to it for 8 days. Oh well. Unless I give him real reason to respond fast, he never does.

 

I have two reactions to this. First, I think I said on another thread (and you replied yes!, but I can't help but still wonder)... maybe he just doesn't know what you're thinking and feeling? Why this e-card to him expressing nothing of your feelings? If we're all confused maybe he is too. You're wondering and wondering... do you ever ask him outright what's going on?

 

The other reaction is of course that he's just got a lot of irons in all sorts of fires. Of course we don't know how your relationship with him has been... long distance, meeting only once a year? IF he has had a poor relationship with his W it's entirely possible he's been seeing other women other than you. And while that maybe hurtful and obviously reprehensible, I also think it's understandable. He obviously needed more from somewhere..?

 

If you have loved him so much, don't you think it's worth asking him outright what's going on, or do you think you'll just get a load of lies? I'm just asking because your relationship with your xbf does seem to have been affected by your feelings for MM... so... I'm just wondering whether walking away is going to be easy for you?

[whichwayisup]

This morning I checked my email and realized that this man just now checked an email I sent him a week ago....a week ago or more. It was a quick litter short email card, wishing him good luck during his hard time. Thats was it. Just said, something like, hope you find peace. Northing about me or us.

 

I hate to say this, but it's because he has no obligation to you, that's why he takes his time. He also knows you're sticking around, putting up with whatever he serves you on a plate. You won't walk away and say ENOUGH already, I don't need this treatment or crap in my life. He does this because you allow him to..His actions show you that he isn't putting any priority into you. Sorry, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but the more you "hope and wait" the more he is going to keep you around as his ego feed.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I went through this dilemna with the guy in a short term relationship. I thought he's put me through so much hurt (well technically I put myself through it) but you know what I mean...he's made me wait so long, shouldn't I punish him back? And I did actually punish him. We went out and all that pent up resentment, anger, frustration, disapointment, self-pity came out and I punished him and punished him for nearly a year. But that's partly why I trust him now because he stuck with me through these punishments...even to the brink. I am over all that now. I've grown up to see that it's just not the way.

[Sandy223]

First of all ... I am soooo sorry you are going through this!!! I could not imagine waiting for someone for 6 years only to have them waffle now that they are supposedly free... you must be in terrible pain, and feel as if someone has ripped your heart right out of you.

 

It's hard to tell you what to do ... I think you know what you have to do, but it doesn't mean that you will be able to muster up the strength to do it immediately and now ... you have just been through hell ... this has been excruciating, I am sure. And, I know that you love him ... and you probably got your hopes up, because I know I would .... what next?

 

My advice, and weather or not you can follow it is a different story - is to let him go for now, and let him sort out his life without you in the picture ... you don't need to be his emotional crutch right now or support group or buddy .. let him find a therapist and vent with his guy friends ... whatever he needs to do ... the only role you could possibly play right now is that of a crutch ... he doesn't even have the crumbs a MM in a blissful affair would have to give you right now ... he is depleted ... and so are you ...

 

... this is the most difficult lesson in life - if you love something let it go, if it comes back to you it is yours, and if it doesn't, it never was... it sounds so cliche ... but this is the hardest thing anyone can do ... the yearning, and pain and then just letting go like it never happened .. going on with your daily life one day at a time until it is nothing more than a faint memory!! Soooo hard .... but, you need to take it one day at a time... spend extra time taking care of yourself and focusing only on you ...

 

... it sounds selfish, but right now pretend you are the only person in the WORLD who matters! No one else right now in your life is as important as you are .... you need to be extra selfish right now, and treat yourself like an absolute queen ... push him out of your head and do everything you can for yourself everyday!!!! this might be the only way that you survive this ... you can become more balanced in terms of taking into consideration the needs of others in your life AFTER you get through this horrible period.... but, for now ... it's YOU YOU YOU and NO ONE ELSE!!! Your needs, your diet, your exercise, getting enough sleep, meditating, getting a massage, reading good books, going for walks ,.... whatever what makes you happy .... you are your child right now ... that is how you have to treat yourself .... he has nothing to contribute to you or your life right now ... this big huge mess is HIS ... let him sort it out ...

 

... and pretty soon, one day, you will be that confident, radiant woman that you are ... and hopefully, you will NEVER put yourself in a position to accept crumbs from anyone again ... hopefully you will never put yourself in a position again to delude yourself into thinking you could have an affair with a MM and come away without a severely broken heart (and, yes, if he is seperarated, he is still married).... that is where I am now .... dating a MM and deluding myself into thinking I can go out with him as if he is another dating partner and see what happens ... that I am confident, and radiant and strong and that I am the prize .... and he will just keep coming after me until he can't stand being away from me anymore... BS!!! I have to wake myself up too ... there is no such thing as cavalierly being involved with someone you are intimite with over an extended period of time ... I am torn right now b/c this affair just started, and I saw how crushed I was over christmas, even though I knew going in that every other obligation in his life is more important than I am ....

 

... he is legally bound to his marraige ... period.... he sees me because he wants to, true ... I am not an obligation and he chooses to develop a relationship with me anyway .... OK ... how great can that possibly make me feel over the long term...

 

... I cannot even imagine what you are going through ... but, your story makes me want to end my affair ASAP!!!!!!!!! I haven't seen him for two weeks .... saw him the week of december 8th .... the following week was the week before x-mas ... didn't see him that week, and he didn't make an effort to see me before x-mas to give me a gift or anything .... true, he was sick, true he just lost a lot of money, true he was taking off thursday and friday .... true he was surrounded by family ... and, then this week, the week of x-mas ... he took the whole week off from work to be with his family and now they are going away this weekend for their annual trip ... so, the next time I see him will be January 7th! Almost an entire month ... and that is too long for me ... i have been in sooo much pain .... and i hope and pray to God that by the time he gets back, I don't even want to see him ....

 

... I have no right to be mad or angry ... i signed up for this ... but the holiday drove the point home for me .... even if he sees me in early Jan to aknowledge the holiday ... so what?? and, I am going back and forth over and over again trying to determine weather or not I should see him when he gets back.... it is driving me crazy ...

 

... and then, I read your story and I want to scream!!!!! Your guy knows everything he does about you ... staying with him will only prolong your pain ... he knows right this second, weather or not he loves you and has a place in his life for you .... no need to sit around waiting more ... you have probably even waited too long!!!!!

 

I will pray for you as well ... that you give yourself the time and patience to get the clarity you need, without him muddying the waters .... that you can garner the strength that you will need each day to move forward the emphasize all the positive things in your life that you have to be grateful for and look forward to!!!! Please take care of yourself .... please stop focusing on him at all ... this is what I am trying to do myself ... my MM knew that I wouldn't be able to see him for this long, and he wasn't able to come and see me .... this was a major break in our relationship ... what will happen if I just pick up where we left off?????? He will think that he can get away with murder .... I am so confused too, I don't know what to do ... again ... I can't even IMAGINE if I had waited 6 years only to have him turn luke warm .... I would probably not be able to get out of bed...

 

... sorry for rambling and semi-hijacking your thread ... but I AM PRAYING FOR YOU ... and for everyone else in this situation ... that you give yourself a break, a much needed time out, and that you use that break as an opportunity to remember what a WONDERFUL person you truly are ...

[SupportGroupie]

Frannie

Hi and thanks. I did tell him I had felt, several months ago, raw and open and heartfelt. I spilled my guts in a way I never had, but all along he knew how much I loved him, and i knew how much he loved me, because we would tell eachother.

 

That stopped pretty much on mend for a year or so..when I had a boyfriend because I did not want to lie to my BF or cheat or be confused between MM and my real life.

 

Even tho we only saw eachother here and there, the emails, phone calls kept it alive despite both of us trying to let it go..or rather him respecting my need to not want an A and to be fiathful to my BF. I told him so many times he was the one, he had my heart, no one else came close..and so many deep things we shared. I can hardly talk about it it brings up so much pain and memories I am trying to forget.

 

I re read his last emails to me, and with a clearer head..it seems he was completely telling me there is no other women, (I am not sure i believe it...but it is written in an email to me) and he reaffirmed that I mean a lot to him, but the overall message is still greater, that his life is in shambles, he is torn apart, his wife and kids hate him for breakig up the family, and this is the lowest point of his life.

 

So I can choose to believe that or not. Instead of pushing myself to help him, be a fall back, build back his ego..which i did for a long time, I wont. He knows I have been here for 6 years waiting..he knows I love him. I know how hurt he is and how huge this is in his life, small town guy, they probably both know everyone in town etc and she is devastated and wants him back. So i choose to not interfere or email at this point. I told him i cared, i told him i wished him happiness...and peace and I also told him I might be in his state in a few months. The responses are vague..and i wont push. I will either let him know the dates i am in his part of the country, or i will just go without saying anything more. I dont want to press him right now and even tho i do believe he loved me, and perhaps still does, a lot has happened and its the wrong time to try and see him I guess. He is still in shambles and I dont want that for him or his family. NOR ME.

 

I get conflicted because when i read an email, I see some deep love..in ways and also some real ambivalence and distance...so I just dont know what he thinks. I have flat out asked him IS THIS OVER FOR US, do you want to go back to your wife, DID U MEET someone new....i just had to know. I waited long enough. The answers are vague, he thinks he made the right decision leaving her..after the marriage being bad for so long, there is no one else (not sure i buy that) and repeats its a very hard time. He is not a complainer nor does he ever say he is having a hard time or he is emotionally drained. I think this separatin is huge and his wife is begging him back

 

SO part of me thinks he does not want to involve me right now and hurt me, if things go another way. i am not sure.

 

When i was with my BF i told him I had to move on, many times. When I read back in a recent email, i think that he tried to walk away from me too..because i said he needed to, and i needed to move on..and i wanted things to work with my BF. So its all a little hard to say if he is respecting my feelings and worrying about hurtinmg me, or if he is feedling me lines and really only wants these flings, hot and heavy weekends and etc. In his emails to me over the years, he was in love. I am not sure what he is right now

 

thanks for your help and support and advice.

SG

[SupportGroupie]

Which

you are right

I stopped feeding his ego, because i saw this too. I backed off, I never really pushed or was needy in this. He has led the way and I have had to settle for the tidbits

I am done doing that. I am not contacting him again unless I feel a need to tell him the dates i will be in his state....and i am not sure what i will do

thanks

[jj33]

SG you need to step away.

 

Sometimes (very very very rarely) these relationships work out.

 

But they NEVER EVER work out because the women hung on when they were being taken for granted.

 

So hanging on because you see a bit of love is not doing yourself any favors.

 

It is teaching him that it is OK to treat you like crap; it is not bringing him closer to you.

 

And it is not helping your self esteem or nurturing you.

 

He is not as invested as you are in this. And that is a fatal flaw in the relationship.

 

If you are afraid that if you walk away he will not "choose" you because you didnt hang in there, then you dont have much of a relationship.

 

Stop being a martyr to his ego. Stop making excuses for him.

 

Its ok to be sad and grieve but all the questions you pose - you arent going to get answers from him.

 

So answer them in the way that makes you feel best about going forward and believe those answers (we all create our own reality).

 

But dont think you are doing yourself any favors by hanging on waiting for answers from him. Or that you will "miss out" if you dont wait.

 

If its meant to be he will be in touch in a proper and respectful way when the time is right for him. And what is the worst that can happen? YOu will have met someone else who makes you happier.

 

Its a win win for you.

 

Hang in there.

 

I cant speak from great success I havent met anyone since I stopped seeing MM but

 

if he has left and he is conflicted then the best thing you can do is give him the total distance he wants.

 

I dont want to pour salt on the wound but there is an old saying, if you dont know what you want, you dont want what you have.

[SupportGroupie]

Sandy

((HUGS))

Thanks so much for your heartfelt post. I agree with a lot of it, and I too am so sorry for your situation and pain. Being an OW is not simple, and often hard, at least for me.

 

Your words are comforting and in my head and to my friends I have said the same things so many times. What made it not as hard for me to stay is that he did not live here, and i did not want to date anyone else. I have a large life, and quirky independent life...full of events, excursions, friends family etc. So its not like i was alone at home doing nothing. I always had a big life ...he just was the one thing to turn my world around big time.

 

When I see the things he has said to me, and the deep love he confessed to me over the years, its hard to just go away. BUT yes, he has had 6 years to talk to me about options, future, possibilities, etc etc. I wont wait, and I am not.

 

I just am not over him and the time, love we shared ...and he still says he cares...and wants to see me, but it sure does not sound pressing or even well thought out. SO I will keep on going with my life here, and enjoy it. I always did before and I always will. He was just the one that made me wild...for him. And its hard to give up.

 

He has told me over the years I am the most unique and wonderful person he has ever met, and he will never forget what we shared and that yada yada. I do believe, given the type of person he is , that sure he loves me and was in love, but that yes he could also come out of this and either be back with wife, or be with someone else. He is a good man, beautiful and kind...and he will move on. I dont see him choosing a long distance relationship with me here and there, over something secure and close by because he knows I would not move to where he lives and he cant move here

 

SO its time to reconsider and end the pain. One day.

thanks so much for your warm and kind thoughts. Every day my thoughts change, and i try to get inside the head of a man who is broken right now and not able to do much of anything ...so I will take care of me, and go forward. I always did, its just that he never left my mind. I thought of him with every man i dated and i thought of him all the time. That was really new for me...really. It makes it harder...for sure.

 

happy saturday and I hope and pray you dont let yourself get hurt or entwined in something that lasts as long and is an painful as what I let happen to me. Its my fault, I blame me, with of course hurt and some anger for him....but i dont hate and i dont wish anything bad on him at all. I just wish emotions could heal overnight. LOL

 

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

SG

[SupportGroupie]

JJ

amen and thanks. Its true and good advice and often I think this way in my head, but when I write I get so involved.

 

What made you finally stop seeing your MM if I may ask? Are you proud of walking away, was it the hardest thing in the world???

 

I pray you find some peace and less hurt along the way and joy in the new year

((HUGS))

SG

[jj33]

I didnt walk away. He did and then when he tried to come back I just said no. We were able to spend a lot of time together staying at his house a lot of the time together, going out together and his house in the city is very close to mine so we were together quite a bit. But then various things changed that I wont get into on the boards and we werent able to spend quite as much time together.

 

So when he came back I said no because we werent going to be able to spend as much time together and nothing was going in the right direction.

 

He still pursues me and its still difficult sometimes tho not really the way it was for the first year.

 

But its all meaningless. And yes I am proud. I am proud of me for finally getting that I am worth more than fitting into this mans priorities when and where he feels he can fit me in.

 

And it doesnt matter if he loves me more than he has ever believed it was possible to love anyone blah blah blah blah.

 

The bottom line is I deserve more and he isnt/cant/wont (however you want to put it) give it to me or meet me halfway. So f*** him. Im tired of being anywhere but first on someone's list of priorities.

 

Why make excuses for not getting the respect time love and attention you deserve?

 

Its incredibly painful. Moreso than I could ever have imgined but it gets easier every day. And I would NEVER EVER let anyone treat me as second best again.

 

If he approached me now I would tell him to f off. I wish I had known then what I know now.