audrey_1 Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 Last real email I got from him was a week ago, asking me for my address. He wanted to send me a Christmas gift. I wasn't sure why he would want to do this since he is seeing someone else, and we discussed that my feelings were stronger for him, and we needed to back away from each other, since he didn't feel the same way. The cliche casual relationship where the scales get tipped, and I'm the one on the low end. And it was LDR, and who he's seeing now is local. Specifically he said "he cared about me very much, as I had become an important part of his life, but his feelings simply didn't run as deep for me as mine for him." I told him I would just need to think about it; he sent me an email saying He understood, that he forgot about leaving me alone, and that he promised he wasn't doing it on purpose. So I began LC. Since then, we had a brief email exchange about the NFL. His team is still in the mix. I mentioned that I do have a gift for him, and that I can just leave it on his porch if he's busy. I've got a lot going on with family and friends, and I don't want to interrupt his date, if he's spending time with her. But we've known each other a long time and I thought we were trying to be friends. Since the NFL email, and his saying to text me when I'm in town, we aren't talking anymore. No texts like usual. Nothing. How do I deal with this for the holidays? Should I just save myself some pain and mail his gift after the holiday? I really want to be nice, but not if it makes me look like a loser in his eyes. I'm not sure what to do.
Trialbyfire Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 audrey, being friends with an ex when you want more than he's incapable of giving, will only hurt you. He's already got a g/f. He tends to keep exes around and continues to flirt with them. It's an ego stroke because in his mind's eye, he keeps them on a string. Someone who cares about him. Mail him the gift. This way you can start to distance yourself more. Being friends with exes is okay. Caring about exes is okay, as long as you can keep yourself dispassionate, at least in the romance/desire department. Being friends with an ex who you want more from, is a form of self-torture. Stop doing this to yourself.
carhill Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 If the gift isn't "personal", send it to someone who cares. Heck, drop it in a gift drop for homeless/less fortunate people. Their stock is higher than his
Author audrey_1 Posted December 23, 2008 Author Posted December 23, 2008 Thanks TBF and Carhill. I know. I guess I'm just sentimental with the holidays. Since he said he wanted to send me gift, too, I figured I should just go through with sending mine. Ugh. So difficult. It's not really personal, I don't suppose. Just a nice pullover for the cold weather.
Zapbasket Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 I'm so sorry about your situation. Don't give him the gift; return it if you can. Given the imbalance in the relationship right now, anything you do for him, or any interaction will only make you feel depleted. Breakups are draining enough and you need to preserve your spirit and energy, so you can deal with the pain and begin to heal yourself. If he gives you a gift and you don't return the favor, that's okay. It is.
Trialbyfire Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 I'm so sorry about your situation. Don't give him the gift; return it if you can. Given the imbalance in the relationship right now, anything you do for him, or any interaction will only make you feel depleted. Breakups are draining enough and you need to preserve your spirit and energy, so you can deal with the pain and begin to heal yourself. If he gives you a gift and you don't return the favor, that's okay. It is. In this situation, I don't necessarily agree, although in many other situations I would. She's already told him she has a present for him.It's reliant on whether or not courtesy dominates her actions.
Author audrey_1 Posted December 23, 2008 Author Posted December 23, 2008 I definitely want to carry through with dignity. We spent over a year together, and we've known each other since we were kids, so I don't want to be cold. But I am definitely the one who hurts in the situation. I doubt he feels anything. This is the first time he's pulled away this far. We agreed we'd be friends after I had some time, but I think he may have changed his mind about that and be doing strict N/C with me. Anyway, yes, he knows I have something for him, and I told him I'd drop it by tomorrow, and he didn't have to be there. I haven't heard back and don't expect to. Maybe when I drop it of, I can drop my feelings there, too, walk away and know that I can't look back. Symbolic.
Zapbasket Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 You're right, I think, TBF--I didn't remember that she'd already told him she had a present for him. In that case, yeah, Audrey, I agree that you should give it to him. I'm not sure it's a good idea to drop it off in person, even if it's the case that he's not home. Something about showing up all alone and standing outside the house, with no one home to ask you inside, might really hit hard. No need to put yourself through unnecessary pain; this is ONLY about courtesy and not being small. Just know that as much as he may care for you, nevertheless his present is motivated at least a little by guilt. By contrast, your present, at least when you bought it, was/is motivated by love. I'll bet that if you decided after all NOT to give him the gift, he'd understand because he knows the imbalance that exists in the exchange. Whatever you wind up doing, be sure to put yourself first. That's not petty, nor is it selfish: it's self-loving, which is what you most need right now, along with the love of family and friends.
Author audrey_1 Posted December 23, 2008 Author Posted December 23, 2008 Yes, family and friends. Except they're in my hometown, where he is. And there's only one Starbucks, and he's there...a lot. Oh well, nothing stands in between me and my latte. I'm sure he would understand if I decided not to give it to him, but I've already made it clear we don't have to see each other, and that I'm fine with leaving it outside his house. I am in a large city, and the mail lines have been ridiculous, so I'd rather leave it at his house than stand in line for who knows how long in his behalf. That would probably be more painful. I wish spring would hurry up and get here, so I can get back to tennis and hiking! This winter cold is not helping my psyche one bit. I'll be okay. I'm just going through a grieving process. I really wanted things to work with us, but it takes more than one person to have a relationship. It will just take time. We still have a joint business venture that won't be tabled until March, so we could go N/C until then. But I am the author of the proposal that would give him a government contract, and if the proposal is successful, my compensation could be significant. I absolutely can't walk away from that. That is something I am definitely not willing to do.
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