bluepoppy Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 My partner and I are both climbers and making various plans for the winter climbing season. We sometimes climb together, but I'm a better climber (technically), but more of a coward, so I tend not to push to harder climbs. He likes to push harder. This makes me a good partner for him to warm up with, and then he goes and climbs with other people as do I. Anyway someone has asked to climb with him for 3 days who I do not particularly like. The fact she's female and openly flirts with him, doesn't help. The main reason I don't like her, is she talks a lot about people behind their backs, and is exteremely judgemental. My partner recognises she's neurotic, but hasn't seen the judgemental side or overheard conversations I've heard. Anyway he told me this morning that she'd asked to climb with him, and I was quiet, and he said 'what' and said, 'I didn't say anything'. Fact is he'd never cheat on me, but the idea of him having fun for three days with another woman kills me. In our time together his choice of climbing partners/friends has been an issue. My bf does not make good choices. There was one, that I picked out straight away as bad bet, as he was someone who can't work as a team - and I pretty much flat out told my partner, there is no way I'd go climbing with that guy for that reason. It took a year for my b/f to see this. Similar with another one, who eventually my b/f said, will never climb with him again. I'm pretty sure that if he spends three days climbing with this girl, he won't want to climb with her again. But it still doesn't stop me feeling jealous. I feel I can't really say anything, as I've been vocal about his dubious choices in the past, and all that seems to achieve is to really upset him. He should have the freedom to make his own mistakes. That said, how do I deal with him doing this ? Do I talk about how it makes me uncomfortable to spend time like that with another woman ? Do I shut up and put up ?
Bryanp Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 This is my take on this and I don't blame you for being upset. The climbing is a recreational activity and he is telling you he plans to spend three days alone with another woman engaging in recreational activities. I am sure he would not be pleased if you told him you were going off for three days with some other man engaging in recreational activities. I think this is an extremely bad idea.
brothelmaiden Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 Hmm. Three days and nights?? with a woman who openly has the hots for him? Does he like the attention or does he just have a habit of disrespecting your relationship?
Author bluepoppy Posted December 27, 2008 Author Posted December 27, 2008 Thing is, I often go off climbing with a.n. other man for an overnight trip - usually someone who is much better than me, and of course, someone known, trusted etc to my b/f. I actually think he's very trusting to allow me to do that, and it give me a chance to learn stuff from people who know more than I do. I've resolved it, it's funny how these things go - I went round in my head all the various options, possible conversations we could have about it, ways of phrasing things so I don't sound mental, but sound rational - and finally came up with the solution that I should be there. (this girl is basically trying to front end onto a trip that we had going anyway) Anyway I talked to him about how I'd messed up my travel plans and looks like I'm going to have to go up earlier than thought cos of costs - but that's a cock-up as he's now arranged to do stuff with her. (Decided that if I mentioned, I think it's a bad idea for you to be off with another woman for a few days, I would get a defensive reaction, after all no one wants to be told what to do.) He was all - oh no - I've not made any committment to do anything, look I'll show you our email exchange - it's all very vague. And if you're there it'll be much better. Jealousy is such a weird and upsetting thing. I know I should trust him, cos I have no reason not to - yet at the same time, it's really hard to, particularly when other people in my past have abused my trust.
Bryanp Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 It sounds like you made the perfect solution. I think your comparisions were not the same. You go an overnight climbing trip with a man your boyfriend trusts and there is no flirting and so forth (actually most boyfriends would not go along with this). On the other hand, this woman openly flirts with him, is attracted to him and very neurotic which is a very bad combination. Do not compare the two examples because they are not the same. I glad it worked out for you.
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