I did so many bad things in 3 years...can we ever fall in love again?

[kitchty22]

Hi everybody,

 

Thank you for letting me share my story... Pretty much it is a story about how I met a wonderful boy but managed to be such a moron that he eventually lost his feelings for me.

 

I met my boyfriend in summer while we were rising sophomores in college. The relationship started with no complications at all...we lived in the same house during the summer, hit it off almost immediately (I was attracted to him somewhat in freshman year but I was too busy doing something else so we never hung out or do anything that year.) We were each other's first serious, long-term relationship.

 

The beginning was wonderful and there was no complications. We hung out. We went on dates. We walked in the rain, flew a kite, play frisbee at night, went to coffee shop to hang out and have some desserts at night.

 

So the bad part- We got into a really bad pattern from the beginning. He became my sugar daddy. (He paid for most meals, and paid the rent as well as we were living in the same room--I forgot to say I did not plan out my summer housing so I did not get a room and he was kind enough to let me stay in his room. That agreement was made without any expectation that we would become involved...he was a really nice guy.)

 

When the semester started, we moved away from each other because we lived in different dorms. However, I ended up basically living in his dorm. We started having fights because I felt like he spent too much time playing games in the computer lab with his friends and I tend to walk out on him when these fights happened. I really made life inconvenient for him as well--as I live in his room all the time, crowded out his space, left my cups, half eaten apples, etc on his table. He complained but did not make much of a fuss so I thought he was only slightly annoyed. I came to learn later that he really hates it when people mess up his space.

 

During this time, He would always be hanging out with me at the architecture studio at night and brought me food. He did that for me once every week....

 

That winter he ended up paying and planning our ski trip. He said a few times he did not want to go because he was not that into it and was not really interested in spending so much money but I kept asking and he agreed to go. He did not have a blast but said he was happy I had a good time.

 

Then this pattern continues. He kept paying rent during the next summer while I spent my money on clothes and other stuff I wanted. We lived in the same room again to save money and started having fights about downtime habit. I could not accept it that he liked chilling at home and watching TV. I would always be asking him to do something to show me he loved me--like pestering him to buy me a dress. I made him upset a whole lot. That anniversary, he made me nice chocolate-covered strawberries-even though we had been fighting earlier and he was feeling like crap because of me that day.)

 

We had a long distance for three months when I spent my semester abroad. We always got upset on the phone and I got upset that he wanted to spend time with friends rather than on the phone being upset with me. That semester his grade went down, he became quite depressed and felt like he was never good enough for me. Indeed, I always demanded so much.

 

Moreover, he had been helping me move all my storage boxes and arranging storage for both of us for the whole three years we were together. I had so much stuff and I know it is a pain for him having to move them years after years.

 

The worst part- I started using his credit card. He let me use it, but I kept spending even though he gently told me to stop spending money, many times, because he was going in debt. Before he dated me he had like $5000 of saving left in his account but after all these years he was left with none..and like $2000 in debt. I would always think I just needed to buy this last one (dress, bag , whatsover) and that I could pay him back later, and that it was not a big deal.

 

On top of that, I always dumped my academic/career problems on him. He spent a lot of time in this relationship consoling me when I cried that I did not get an interview here, when my project did not go well there, etc.)

 

I also pestered him a lot about our future together and whether we could get married so we would not have to be apart. (I had a plan for a fellowship that will require me to move abroad, and unless we are married he might have a problem getting a work visa there.) But as you can guess, after three years of dealing with all the crap I told you about he only said that he rarely thought about the future.

 

Through the years with him I had become less demanding and made less of a fuss when he went to hang out with his friends in general. However, the spending habit only got better during our last 6 months together. My messiness did not really get better because I did not know it was a big deal for him.

 

During these years he asked to break up three times. First time a year and a half in, second time two and a half in and third time three years in. The last and final one just happened a month ago.

 

During the last year together he started having feelings for this other girl, who rejected him in his freshman year. He went to visit her this summer (2008) and I, once again, threw a fit because I was away to RISD in Rhode Island that summer as well but he refused to visit me even though it was our anniversary.

 

This other girl became a subjects of a couple of our fights during our last months together. The last fight we had that led to the breakup was about him doing many things with this girl that he would not do with me (like going to Salsa class, and concerts.) Three weeks after we broke up he asked her out but was rejected again.

 

:lmao:Okay I know you guys think I am such a moron. I myself wonder why I never thought about what I have done throughout the years we spent together. It was only after the break up that I took stock of what happened and really regretted what I had done. I did a few things like sell some of my bags to give him money back (gave back 1k so far and giving back another 1k maybe) , cleaned up the whole house and made sure I no longer messed up his room. Did little things for him like buying his favorite donuts for him occasionally, cook for him and bring home take-out)Seeing this in writing, I realized how little what I am doing will help.

 

So we are still living in the same house and hung out a lot. He made it clear that he no longer has feelings for me and does not want to get back together. He did remark that he sees that things are improving and that

I am changing, but ultimately says that he still does not feel that way for me anymore. He acknowledges that he can talk to me the way he cannot with anyone else, (he is reserved and does not really trust most people enough to have deep conversations with them), and he appreciates that I have come to accept and appreciate him the way no one else does. Still, he said the feelings are gone. He still cared about me and wanted me to be happy but said that he wanted me to be happy on my own, not with him.

 

"For me, loving someone is wanting to move in order to be with them, hold an umbrella for them on a rainy day, etc, etc. I don't feel that way for you anymore. I do want to fall in love, but when I think about falling in love I don't think about falling in love with you...I think about falling in love with someone else." he said.

 

We still call each other by pet names, clean each other's ears, do some other intimate things. He always kisses me good morning on the cheek. There was this one day he just pulled me in and kiss me on the lips and that took me by surprise...it was not an initiation for sex or anything. Just a kiss. And I felt great, because he has not initiated kiss like that for the last three months that we were together. And it is not just me spending money on him. He gets take out for us sometimes, too and still lets me stay in his apartment.

 

What do I do to have a (fifth?) chance? I would not say a second chance because he had given me so many. I know I was really dumb and I took advantages of him and it must be unforgivable. Writing about it made me realize how I made his life so miserable. I wish I knew that I should have tried my best from the beginning or from the time he gave me a second chance...I always fall into the mindset that he will never leave me (I don't know why I think like that...)

 

We have an agreement that we can talk about getting together again a year and a half from now. He said he may be dating someone else and if it is so then I will have to accept it since he is free do to that.

 

I just feel that fate brought us together once when we were both ready to make a commitment and fall in love. I should have known that that chance could be my last chance, since there is no guarantee that he will be available a year and a half from now, and there is no guarantee that we will fall in love again-- it is most likely we will not even be in the same country.

 

And I feel that for all I did to him, the only way to undo it is to be in a relationship with him, pay back all my dues, and support him the way he support me and do all little things like cook for him ,buy him little gifts, become more mature emotionally, and be someone he can talk to. But I won't be able to do that for him if I am not in a relationship with him. (Can't call him that often any more, let alone cooking for him or buying him little gifts. If he gets into a new relationship it would do more harmd than good.)

 

In short, I want to ask you guys

1 what I can do for him. To me, it feels like just doing NC won't really allow me a chance to make it up to him.

2. And really, what can I do to undo those three years of damage?

3. What to do if I really want him back. The thing is, I won't really mind being away to give him the space to heal, but this is not a break. it is breakup. it is not that he is just taking time off to heal with an agreement that he will not see anyone else. I know I have to work on me so I can have positive things to contribute to the relationship if we ever get together again...but maybe we never will and that makes me feel devastated.

 

Many of you may say that I don't really want him, I just want to use him. But that is not true. I am selling many of my beloved bags to pay him back, regretting having bought them even. If only I knew it would end up being one of the biggest reasons we broke up I would not have done it. Now I learn to accept him and his lifestyle, and do things the way that pleases him rather than me.

 

And I know I am a moron. You guys might really feel that he should not have stayed with me so many years. I still feel that he is the best boyfriend--he loved me and took care of me even when he did not feel like it. (This summer, when his feelings were almost completely gone, he was still helping me with all my storage, housing, money and alway called me every night to check that I was ok )

[BackonTrack2]

a) you realize what you did wrong

b) its good you are improving yourself, you learned from your mistake

c) you have learned allot

d) your young and in college, life awaits you

e) there are many more men like him all u need is time

 

take in the hurt, learn, grow, embrace the future.

 

as to your questions

1) he doesn't want you to make it up to him, nothing you can do. nothing u can do.... out of your hands.... going NC is not about going NC...

2) go away, out of sight

3) nothing....

 

its over, get away from him.

the truth hurts, so cry your tears and move on.

good luck

[Narf]

Hey...

This is a really sad situation and one i can relate to.. Except i was the one that got taken advantage of and it lasted 8 years so im extremely damaged by what he did...

Eventally i broke up with him and that is whne he saw what he had been doing (it had gotten worse over the years)

The thing is when it gets to the stage of breaking up and staying broken up there is nothing you can do... There is so much hurt and damage that even thou he prob still loves you it is so hard to try again... My ex wanted me back for 8 months then he stopped talking to me and eventally got a new girlfirend and even now i love him i miss him but i had to choose me!

You paying him back is a great thing and you should continue to until you feel he is totally repayed but do it cause you want to feel better not to get him back... Nothing you can say or do will delete the hurt

 

I would give him space... Be nice and considerate , let him know how you feel and then back away give him space let him miss you, You doing everything at once reaks of desparation... Plus why do it now? Only cause you lost him?? When he comes back will you return to your selfish self?

 

If he is anything like me i am so damaged by that relationship i dont plan a futrue with anyone anymore.. I plan it by myself making me happy, no one will take advantage of me again if i can help it..

 

Good Luck!

[kitchty22]

No offense meant ok? I really do appreciate your response. However, you sound really pessimistic about what I did recently for him. It is a great thing to see your point of view, because you are on the side who got hurt.( and I really wish I was on the end that get hurt so I could understand how it feels...sometimes when I think about how much pain he had to bear through these years I wish I never even wanted to pester him about getting back together)

 

I just don't want to see him broke anymore...thats why I want to do it. I guess when someone broke up with you it makes you look back and realize how much you hurted them all along. I just wish I could take away that pain as much as I can, even though I don't think giving him the money back will undo the damage. I can't take back our fights, let alone take back any depression, and years of unhappiness with me. I want him back because I feel that I know him so well, and I know I will be committed to giving him five starts treatment if we ever get back together.

 

He does inspire me to become a better person. I now realize I must make it a habit to stop being a slob, being late thinking "oh it is just a few minutes late", and stop inconveniencing anyone just because it is easy for me . Nobody should have to feel uncomfortable because I am not thinking about how my actions affect them.