merrilyE Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 I had been seeing my 29 year old boyfriend for over 6 months-half the time by LD since I am going to school 4 hours away for the next 6 months- until two days ago when he broke up with me. I'm 26 btw. We took a vacation (our 5th) from California to Seattle by car that ended terribly. We had fought over dinner the night before we left for home. I was visibly upset and thought it the most adult decision to not talk to him on the way home (15 hr drive) so I wouldn't say something hurtful. He asked me about 2 hours into the drive what was wrong and I discussed it with him though he didn't take me seriously. Since I had no corner to retreat to to gather my thoughts and composure, I said few words to him the rest of the trip. We did not resolve anything. Out of my anger, I did insinuate that I was going to leave him off at home and possibly never talk to him again. I now realize how immature it was. We arrived home like after 4 am. I asked him to let me leave for my family's home 2 1/2 hrs away, but he insisted that I stay over cause it was dangerous to drive home. So when we went to bed, the last thing I wanted to do was lay next to him. He felt like it was extremely odd that when I laid down, I laid the opposite way. I realized this and after five minutes turned around. The following morning, I got ready to leave, he settled what we owed each other for the trip, and told me that since my intentions were to break up, he wanted to break up as well. In the past, I had threatened him about breaking up, but I never went through with it cause I really knew we were great together. I explained to him I did not want to break up, but he again insisted I did and stood by breaking up. I apologized for my behavior but he said I didn't really mean it cause that's what I had done in the past though it never changed. He treated me very harshly and refused to give me a chance saying over the last 3 months he could not tolerate my moods or bitching. Out of defense for myself, my only grandfather's death made me hyper-sensitive about things I would normally not be. I had been in an obvious funk, different than from when we first started dating. He knew this, but refused to accept this saying everything I said was an excuse. Before I left, he told me he would call me. After asking why, he said for the pictures of the trip. The next day he called up to apologize for his behavior, but said its best we stay parted and I should have nice holidays, go out and meet new guys and people. He also said that if I ever needed his help, he was there. When I asked him for an honest chance at rectifying things, he refused. Then I called him back and he said I needed to make things up to him, but would not give me any way on how to. He said to move on and regretted calling me the first time. When I had mentioned him giving me another chance, he said he had given me plenty chances and done that in past relationships and it didn't work out then, and even if he were to think about it, he would not feel any different about breaking up a month from now. Another reason he didn't want to budge was cause he said it would put me in a unfair position. He is leaving for a trip for the holidays to meet his best friend (a guy) of 12 years which I admit I had a problem with cause it occurred over the holidays and my B-day. It took me several weeks to put the matter to rest until after he finally told me the specifics, then I came to terms with it. I was so over it that I went out and bought him a x-mas present to complement his trip. He saw it. He thought and invited me on the trip which I gladly accepted, though he told me after breaking up that he had to beg me which is the farthest thing from the truth. One thing he was always worried about was my cheating on him cause of my outward appearance. I told him I never would do that. I'm not that type of person. I asked him to think things through about breaking up, like he had asked me before and which I did, but he refused. We have said we care about each other a lot (never said I love you, though ironically I was ready). One thing I said at the last dinner on the trip was that I was investing time and feelings into him which troubled him. I know emotions run high after a break-up. I also know he will be the one to contact me again. Given the things he has said-positive and negative-do you think he will reconsider his decision? Do you think he regrets it? Since we have no mutual friends and he won't honestly listen right now (since he still gets upset) or give me the single chance I deserve to make it up to him, how can I show him how much I appreciate him (this was one of his complaints)? How do I make it up to him? How do I sincerely show that I am the same girl as the one he first met, but regret my past behavior? BTW I am maintaining no-contact to give us time and space to think.
justaman99 Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 I would say do what you said in the end. Just go no contact for awhile. Do it for a month or two or three then see where your head and heart is at. Take some time out to figure out your ****.
malika Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 I agree with the previous advise. Seems like both of you need some time to cool off after that big argument, and decide if the relationship is worth continuing. It seems there could have been some other issues straining both of you. You said he was worried about you cheating. Did he ever accuse you of it? If so, there might have been a trust issue. Do you feel you initiated arguments a lot? Or was it him? It's the time now to reflect on what the causes of the issues were, and what change is necessary to make the relationship better. I've learned from experience that threatening to break up is never good. It gives the other person a fear that you don't really want the relationship, which in turn may have soured his motivation to make things work. I think it's wise to do no contact. If he wants to make things work, he'll come around so you both can discuss how to fix the future. Good luck!
Author merrilyE Posted December 24, 2008 Author Posted December 24, 2008 Thanks to both of the two posters. You're both right that we need time to cool off. Malika, you gave some sound advice.I appreciate it. Arguments were for the most part my fault. Reason being is that for the past couple of months after my grandfather died, I have not dealt with it. His leaving me was a big wake up call about my behavior. I don't know if anyone can understand how each person reacts differently to the first death of a close loved one, but in my case, I did not realize how angry and depressed I had gotten. I hid the pain and pushed loved ones away. Maybe several months of not dealing with death is unreasonable for some people. I don't know whats normal regarding it. I am trying my best to cope with it now. Obviously, this was a one time thing. After I deal with this, I know I will be the same person he first met. I just don't know if he'll understand this or accept this. Oh, one mistake in the above post was he invited me on the Seattle trip to spend time with me before he left for his NY trip. I will keep the board updated with the status of things.
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