belladonna Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 So I started dating this guy about 4 months ago really soon after ending a 5 year relationship that got stale. I was definitely "gaga" for him and he told me how amazing I was and how much he liked me, etc. He was the first guy I can truly say that I was seriously attracted to (my first relationship began when I was 15 and I committed way too soon to understand myself). The only thing is, he's 32 and I'm 21 - this 11 year difference. Additionally, I'm in school, work a lot and have a lot of ambition for the future while he lives at home, is "in between jobs", and doesn't seem to have any direction. Which to be honest, I had so much fun hanging out with him that I didn't care, things weren't overly serious. So we're hanging out at my place, kind of joking around, when he threatens to leave after I jokingly refused him a lighter (he lost his). I said "OK then" and he left. Like actually just went to his friends. After an hour or so I didn't hear from him and started getting upset. Why would he do that? He knew I was joking right? We don't see each other very often (couple times a week at most) so I felt ditched..so I called him, he tells me he's at his friends and tries to be all cool and not-caring. I'm shocked at his apathy, so I told him I don't want to put up with this **** and to not call me anymore, and he replies with "OK, sure". He didn't seem to care at all. I felt bad about just seemingly ending things over the phone, so the next day I texted him saying I was sorry, that I didn't mean it, and that I wanted to talk in person. He said that he needed to cool off, and that he'd call me. So we finally spoke tonight, 5 days later (over the phone..he didn't want to see me in person) and he told me that I ended things and that's how it's going to stay. I told him how hurt I was, and that I didn't want things to end, and that I was confused as to why he ditched me that night (to which he replied that it's just the way he is and that he didn't think it was a big deal). He seems to think that I should have stopped him from leaving my house if I "cared". And essentially everything I said he just refused to listen and directed everything to the bottom line of - I broke up with him and that now I have to deal with ruining our relationship. Can someone please explain to me what just happened?? I thought I'd get closure after talking to him but I'm still just as confused. I'm starting to get the feeling that he was getting bored of me but didn't want to end it and just took this as a way out. But we were having such a good time earlier that very night! I'm crushed..heart broken..and need to hear someone else's opinion. My friends just tell me that "he wasn't worth it" but I was just so into him that I'm having a hard time letting go. What do you all think? Did I **** things up here or was he just not that into me?
Joker77 Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 This guy apparently likes to play games at 32 years old. Real mature. If I were you, I'd cut my losses and find someone who will give you the respect you deserve. I'm sorry, but he sounds like a jerk.
Author belladonna Posted December 23, 2008 Author Posted December 23, 2008 Thanks Joker. I brought up the idea of game-playing too. I asked him if it was some sort of "test" to which he replied that he didn't think anything of it, that I was acting like a bitch so he left (I was batting away his hand because he kept stealing grabs at me as we were walking up the stairs! he didn't reply when I asked him how that was bitchy), he thought we'd talk the next day about it and that we'd just continue on as usual. But then I broke things off so he changed his mind about me. WTF.. Seriously, thank-you..I think I need some time to be single for once
Jay34 Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 he could be playing games, but he could have problems, you can try to wait for him to come back around and maybe talk to him and get his feelings, it seems like he left you because he perceived you didn't care based on that you didn't care if he left, to be honest i think he still wants something with you, but i think he is either immature or something isn't right with him.
Joker77 Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 Thanks Joker. I brought up the idea of game-playing too. I asked him if it was some sort of "test" to which he replied that he didn't think anything of it, that I was acting like a bitch so he left (I was batting away his hand because he kept stealing grabs at me as we were walking up the stairs! he didn't reply when I asked him how that was bitchy), he thought we'd talk the next day about it and that we'd just continue on as usual. But then I broke things off so he changed his mind about me. WTF.. Seriously, thank-you..I think I need some time to be single for once I've been single for three weeks. It sucked at first, but I've been gaining more and more momentum. I'm becoming addicted to the gym. It wasn't too long ago where I wanted her to call me and possibly tell me she wanted to try again. Now, I'm not so sure I want her to. It's nothing against her, but I'm just trying to get to a good place right now. I would recommend you do the same thing. To leave because of lighter is a bitch move on his part. You can do better. Best of luck!
Zapbasket Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 Hi there, Pleeeeeeease don't beat yourself up over this. From what you describe, you did nothing wrong. You were joking around, just being playful when you refused him the lighter, right? You didn't say anything to insult him? If it transpired exactly as you describe, then his response is a childish, ridiculous game on his part. Think of high school when you're walking down the hall with a group, and suddenly one person drops back. And if you stop and wait for them and ask, "Why did you drop back all of a sudden?" They say, "I wanted to see if you guys would notice." Pretty childish, right? You definitely don't want to be with a 32-year-old who acts this way. By then, it's reasonable to expect that overt games like that of "How Much Do You Care?" be behaviors of the past. And the fact that he ended the relationship over this? Either he was looking to get out anyway and this was just an excuse, as you surmise...or he's maybe more than a bit of a whackjob. And even if it's the former? Someone worth dealing with in any capacity would never end a relationship--even a relatively short one--like that. Really, really lame. Don't call him, don't offer him any further apologies or explanations, and don't pick up if he calls you. Most importantly, don't beat yourself up. Just chalk this one up to experience and enjoy your holidays--better will be in store for you, I promise!
Author belladonna Posted December 23, 2008 Author Posted December 23, 2008 Well I know he has some issues. Like I said he's in a funk in his life right now, but also told me that he finds Christmas-time depressing. He honestly didn't seem ready to talk today, but I texted him earlier today to set a time to talk because I couldn't bear being in limbo anymore. Maybe when he truly cools off he'll contact me again, which might be weeks. It hurts the most that he'd just give up so easily when he seemed so genuinely into it. He didn't seem to understand how ditching me hurt me so much. I'll have to wait and see, I suppose.
Joker77 Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 Well I know he has some issues. Like I said he's in a funk in his life right now, but also told me that he finds Christmas-time depressing. He honestly didn't seem ready to talk today, but I texted him earlier today to set a time to talk because I couldn't bear being in limbo anymore. Maybe when he truly cools off he'll contact me again, which might be weeks. It hurts the most that he'd just give up so easily when he seemed so genuinely into it. He didn't seem to understand how ditching me hurt me so much. I'll have to wait and see, I suppose. I never thought there were people like that until I got dumped three weeks ago. I was in what I thought was an awesome relationship. We never fought and I thought we loved each other dearly. Turns out I was the one loving and she was the one going along for the ride. The last time I spoke with her which was when we broke up, she had completely turned off. It was like another person. If he calls you, he calls you. If not, move on and find someone better who will love you and treat you the way you should be treated. I'm not really holding out much hope for my situation at all. It's probably better that way.
Author belladonna Posted December 23, 2008 Author Posted December 23, 2008 Thank-you thank-you for your comments. I know..I'm definitely not contacting him anymore. It truly went as I explained. He really tried to make it sound like he was the victim in that I was the one who ended it over something stupid. I'm sorry to hear about your break-up Joker - it's true though, he also seemed really different. Just so apathetic. That guy who was so sweet and caring became very defensive and indifferent. If he calls me..well I'd probably think about it.. but I know it would be hard for me to forgive someone who hurt me so much.
TG84 Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Hey bella -- thanks for replying on my thread. How are things with your bf of 5 years, seeing as how i identify with him a little bit right now, lol? As for your current guy, it seems like he was just being immature and, in a depressed state of mind, he did something stupid. But that begs the question -- how will things really turn out with this guy down the road? If he hasn't grown up by age 32, when will he? Is this the last time this will happen, and can you take this kind of behavior in what seems to be turning into a real relationship? I say this since my GF earlier in the year just shut down and stopped talking to me after a fight, and at the time all I could think of was how to get her back. Sure enough, NC worked and she came back, but 6 months later here I am depressed bc she dumped me abruptly over the phone and refuses to see me and give me closure.
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