mendsley Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 My son, who has been living with him mother who left me about 4 months ago, called me today and said he wants to live with me. He said he is not mad or scared with anything down there but he misses me. I want this as bad as I want the rest of my family to be with me. I am scared to be a single father, I have only one shot at this and I want to do it the best I can. Can anyone give me any advice?
Lizzie60 Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 How old are you? how old is your son? you said you've been separated for 4 months now.. have you seen him since? Do they live far away now? Would he be able to see his mother?
RecordProducer Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 I want this as bad as I want the rest of my family to be with me. I am scared to be a single father, I have only one shot at this and I want to do it the best I can. I get the feeling that you really want your wife (and son) back. Is that correct?
Author mendsley Posted December 23, 2008 Author Posted December 23, 2008 I am 31 and my son is 8. My wife and I have been married for a little over ten years and I have only seen him once in the 4 months we have been seperated. I really want my family back together but she says she still does'nt know what she wants. I really would live for my son to live with me and I want him to see his mother, she lives 10 hours away and does not make a lot of money. I will do what ever it takes for him to see his mother, she is a really mother and he is lucky to have her. I do believe him and I are closer but she says it is because I spoil him. My wife's emotions are really up and down right now becuase of all this and it is understandable. She was really nice to me all day and we talked about if this is something that is good. I said I will talk to him and she said she will talk to him. I called and asked him if him and his mother talked and he said yes, and said she said if this is what he wants to do than he can. I talked to him and told him I would like very much for him to com up and if he were to change his mind I would not be sad or disapointed. Well all of a sudden she texted me and said and said if I want Carter to come and live with me than I have to come get him. Well she was supposed to come up for new years eve and spend some time with me and now she is not. I am sad she is sad but I also am excited that he chose to come live with me. Why is she mad at me? I feel this is not good for our son to see this? I Should I wait to call her? Thanks everyone!
RecordProducer Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 She is mad because she is, so to say, jealous that your son chose you. He needs a father and once heis with you, he will miss and need his mother. So I don't think you are his preference. He's had both parents for 8 years and he'd like it to stay that way. Living ten hours apart with such a small (and only) child is not a good solution. If you can't resurrect the family, then at least try to live closer so the other parent can spend at least every weekend with the child (which means an hour away or so). Why did she move ten hours away anyway?
Author mendsley Posted December 23, 2008 Author Posted December 23, 2008 Hey RecordProducer, you are probably right when you say he does'nt prefer one parent over the other. I do believe she is jealous and that is why she is angry with me, but I really wish she could try to curb these emotions towards me. The reason we live ten hours apart is because I was promoted at work and had to move, so she chose not to move with me and move back with her family and to try to build a future with the man she was having an online affair with (which did not work out for her). I really wish I could move closer to them but with today's economy finding a job that will accomodate my finances will be hard, but that does'nt mean I should'nt try I do believe that him coming to live with me would be good for both of us and I do believe I would try everything in my power to be the best father I can be. I make good money, there are alot of things to do here, I will put his life before mine, and I will make sure he see's his mother as much as possible. I am really wanting to make the right decision without him thinking I don't care about him if being with his mother is what should happen. Is it better for him to stay with his mother?
Lizzie60 Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 Is it better for him to stay with his mother? It would be if you're not ready to be the greatest dad ever.. and greatest doesn't mean a 'spoiling' dad.. You need to set boundaries and rules... You got to be careful that he doesn't want this just because you're the one who spoils him.. he might want to play yo-yo with you guys.. which would be manipulation.. Maybe you can have him for a long vacation, just to see if that's really what he wants.. he needs to understand that after those two tentatives.. he would have to make a final decision.. maybe he's confused.. he's probably missing you like crazy.. but might miss his mother much more if he's with you.. hard to say. Of course the best thing would be for her to move closer.. but it's a compromise she might not want to do.. same with you.. you can't leave a good job to move closer... it's not easy. As long as the kid knows he's got two loving parents.. who keep in touch as much as they can.. whether it's the mom or the dad who lives away. The kid has to be in touch with BOTH parents and not once every 4 months.. I mean by phone, letters, emails, little gifts in the mail, etc.. this is primordial for a kid. Good luck !
2sure Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 Therre are some issues here. First, its unusual for a mother to want her child to live elsewhere. But like you said, she is having a hard time right now and clearly trusts you. Still, it is an extreme decision. The biggest issue here is who is making the decision. And this is going to set precedent for the future, so please give this some thought. When my daughter was your son's age she used to have angst when she came home from her Dad's because he used to ask her if she wanted to live with him. Since he asked her, she felt like the choice was up to her. An 8 year old cannot and should not be asked to make these decsions or even feel like they can. I explained to her that it simply was not her decision, that it was out of her hands, and she felt a lot better. My point is this. The decision is to be made between you and your ex. Your son should not be made to feel that he is choosing where to live.A big decision like that will make him feel that he is in control of his own and your llives. He knows he is not equipped for that. It will be overwhelming and weigh on him. He needs to know the grown ups are IN CHARGE. Not to mention that in the future, when is upset, angry, or bored he will say well, I want to live with Mom/ Dad . These are not cards he should feel are in his hands.
flc Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 I agree with 2sure, at 8 this cannot be the child's decision. You need to work directly with your wife to work out what is best for your child. If he moves in with you it will be a big responsibility and you both have to realize the worst case would be to pass him back and forth as he will start to feel no one wants him. In any case the child needs both parents in his life if at all possible as often as possible. I am sure if you love your son and you both agree that living with you is best then you can make it work but realize the custodial parent gets the brunt of the hard times as you will be the one that disciplines him the most and has to deal with his illnesses and problems the most.
Author mendsley Posted December 24, 2008 Author Posted December 24, 2008 Thank you all for your input. I have thought and thought about this and I came up with my decision before I even read all of your guys input. I came up to the same conclusion as all of you. The hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life. One thing I should make clear is I have only seen him in person once in the past 4 months but I do call him many times a week and we talk about small stuff but I also try to ask about how he feels. I really believe in my heart that this decision he has came up with is purely him feeling sorry about me being alone with no friends and family near by, which I am very proud to have an eight year old son be able to recognize what lonely might be and try to resolve the issue on his own free will. I do believe that he would come up here with me and it would start to get old for him and he would want to be back with his mother, brothers and other family members. Like you guys have said, I think it would be better if he comes and visits for vacations and maybe summer vacation. I am going to try to figure out a way to be a lot closer so he can see me more often. You know me saying this is really hard, I really do want my son to live with me, but his mother is a special lady and there is no reason to seperate them over a temperary emotion. Thank you all so much, I pay a lot of money to my counselor each month, but yet the best advice I get is free
RecordProducer Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 I don't necessarily agree that a little child is not to decide where he wants to live. It's about HIM, not about the parents, as in what's best for him. Now if he wanted to live with Dad but Dad was mentally ill and homeless, he wouldn't have the competence to make decisions for himself, but this is a matter of feelings only, since both parents seem to be decent people and can provide for the child. His choice, as I said is probably not to live with his father, but with both parents. The best thing, in my opinion, would be if the mother moved close to where you are and since you're making good money, perhaps she could get ANY job and with your financial help, help provide TWO parents for her son. The next best (but not really good) solution would be that the child lives with one of you and spends time with the other parent as much as possible. Unfortunately, as such young age, this is NOT enough. I know this from my own experience. Mend, you should talk to your wife very calmly and reasonably about her moving close to you. I guess the best "carrot" you can offer for her to follow is $$$. Since her affair blew up, she now has fewer ties to that place. As for the poster who said "how can a other want her child to live elsewhere?" I don't think she wants her child to move out; I think she just wants what's best for him. If she hears him tell her every day how much he wants to live with dad, she feels torn. The thing is, the boy probably says "I want to live with Dad," he doesn't say "I don't want to live with Mom."
HenryII Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 U can also see him via the internet. Get him his own computer with certain special times he can use it and set times u both can log on together . That way he will know u are safe and feel like u are closer. Your W's online affair means there was something lacking in the marriage and you should get in to counseling so u won't make that mistake again. History repeats itself. U have 10 years of child support to look forward to so u may want to reconcile.
RecordProducer Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 U can also see him via the internet. Good idea! Yet, it could easily become boring for the kid to just stare at Dad and talk. Kids like to DO stuff and conversations come spontaneously while playing, cuddling, driving, etc. Kids don't normally sit and chit-chat. Get him his own computer with certain special times he can use it Hahah! Good luck with that one! :DMy kids take breaks from their lap tops to eat, go to school, sleep and do their homework. But I can't complain, they're excellent students. I'd rather they do games than drugs (well, they are too young still, but I am already worried). U have 10 years of child support to look forward to so u may want to reconcile.Oh, what a great reason to reconcile. Actually, he has more than 10 years plus paying for college. Isn't he lucky to have only ONE child?
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