schmuck Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 I'm looking for a female perspective to my situation. I'm a single male, with two grown children. I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 5 years. Our relationship is pretty strong, I've remained committed to her through out our relationship. She is three times divorced. She keeps hounding me for a commitment. I've made it pretty clear that I see no good reason to get married again. I've bought her a ring as a show of my commitment, but I have not given it to her yet because I don't want her to think it's an engagement ring. Help! What can I say or do to convince her I'm committed short of a marriage proposal?
2sure Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 For some women, younger ones in particularly, its all about the ring. As long as they have a ring to wear they feel the relationship status has moved along. They dont realize that the ring is simply a symbol. But once a woman is older, has been married before, as myself and your GF have...the ring is just that. Jewelry. Its a wonderful enhancement if the ring accompanies commitment. If she is looking for commitment the ring wont do it. At all. If you tell her it is an engagement ring with no promise to set a date and marry - she may feel that you have demonstrated commitment to her liking.
norajane Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 She's 3 times divorced? Have you discussed what commitment means to her? She's already walked down the aisle 3 times and it ended in divorce, so she should certainly be well aware that marriage is no guarantee of commitment. Since you've been clear that marriage is NOT a possibility, and she's still stayed with you for 5 years, perhaps she would indeed be amenable to some other form of commitment. Do you live together? Would you consider doing so? Maybe that would show her that you are sufficiently committed even though you don't want the legal marriage license. The ring is a lovely gesture. If she really loves you and can understand your point of view about marriage, she might appreciate it as a token of your commitment to her and to your relationship.
Ronni_W Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 She keeps hounding me for a commitment. Has she been hounding you for "a commitment" in general terms, or has she expressly stated that nothing short of an engagemen ring/wedding date will do? If you're unsure exactly what show of "commitment" will satisfy her, ask before you leap...could be something less 'onerous' than your own mind has made up. On the other side, isn't a "good reason" to get married that you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her? Or are those feelings not exactly too accessible for you? Which is leading to her accurate assessment that you're not fully committed for the long haul?
Author schmuck Posted December 22, 2008 Author Posted December 22, 2008 I didn't fill in all the blanks. I'm once divorced - and am still stinging from that one. I do live with her and am fully committed to her. I have evolved beyond the hound stage of my life. I'm not sure what kind of committment she is looking for? Is she looking for financial security - I am fairly financially secure and do take care of my share of the house hold finances. I want her to feel comfortable in our relationship as it is. I can't wait for all the damn jewelry store commercials to quit..
Author schmuck Posted December 22, 2008 Author Posted December 22, 2008 I'm not sure that marriage is the absolute show of committment. To me, commitment means being faithfull to someone, being loving, and caring. My divorce was far and away the most difficult (and expensive) thing I have ever endured. I'm not sure it was quite as traumatic for her. I just vowed to myself that I would never volunteer for that kind of personal pain ever again. By remaining in a committed monogomous relationship without getting married certainly does not save one from the emotional anguish, it does make things easier to dissolve legally should things change.
norajane Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 She's gone through 3 divorces. As I said, it should be very clear to her that marriage is not a guarantee of commitment. So what does commitment meant to her - you need to talk to her about that. ASK her what she means by commitment and what would be sufficient for her to feel that you are committed, ESPECIALLY since you have been clear that you will not get married again. Perhaps she made out very well financially from her divorces so she did not experience that kind of pain. And it sounds like she didn't feel so much emotional pain, either, or she wouldn't be going for a 4th.
Ronni_W Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 (I got issues with addressing you as "schmuck"...hope my therapist is not away for the Holidays .) Dear OP, I agree with you -- if one needs any single "thing or event" that is expected or supposed to "prove" (or "validate" ) the relationship, then something else is outta whack of context, or perspective, or something. I do think, though, that it would be fair and smart of you to find out exactly what SHE believes/feels will satisfy her, er, insecure feelings that are preventing her from seeing and accepting your level of commitment. Strikes me that the 'emotional needs' questionnaire over at marriagebuilders.com might give you some fresh insight...and then you can share with her, later. (Or, actually, could just read the descriptions of the 'needs', then share with her, then each do the surveys for self and mutual discovery .)
norajane Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Maybe you could offer to do a small commitment ceremony in front of friends and family, but without the legal marriage license. That way she gets her party, the dress, and the ring, as well as a declaration of your commitment to each other. And you won't have to get legally and financially tied up with a thrice divorced woman.
Ronni_W Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Maybe you could offer to do a small commitment ceremony Hey NJ, how goes things? I'd been thinking along those lines, too -- might just keep everyone happy...and who doesn't love a good celebration? But then I was also gonna have to throw a damper on the party by suggesting to check with a divorce attorney first...who knows how a judge might interpret any "underlying" message of such a ceremony? Unfortunately.
Quest4clue Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Where can I chime in here.... I agree with the others that you should ask for details on what she expects of you in regards to commitment. In terms of the ring issue. I think the ring is a lovely gesture of the beginning of commitment. Rings can mean many different things. If this ring you bought her is not and engagement ring, call it a "promise ring". As for the marriage issue. In canada, living together after a certain amount of time, is considered a common-law-marriage. This means there are still legal obligations if the relationship was to fail especially if there is children involved. Being married, allows for a bit more legal obligation, but from what i have seen and read, not a whole lot of difference. I also have been divorced once and am since remarried. If you truly love this women, I see no reason why you should not marry her. Commitment means different things to different people.
Author schmuck Posted December 23, 2008 Author Posted December 23, 2008 Thanks all for your thougthful advice. I gave her the ring last night and there was no drama, she was gratefull and did not read anything into it. Phew! I'm a typical guy - (thus the username "Shmuck") so having those conversations about commitment make my ass pucker up tighter than a snare drum. I do love this woman, and have no interests in straying. We have a great sex life and really enjoy each other's company. Life is good - why screw that up!
Lauriebell82 Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 Thanks all for your thougthful advice. I gave her the ring last night and there was no drama, she was gratefull and did not read anything into it. Phew! I'm a typical guy - (thus the username "Shmuck") so having those conversations about commitment make my ass pucker up tighter than a snare drum. I do love this woman, and have no interests in straying. We have a great sex life and really enjoy each other's company. Life is good - why screw that up! That's great! If you two are happy that is all that matters. Just a thought though: the "ring" may not hold her. You really should find out what committment means to her. Maybe she didn't outright express her concerns regarding the ring, however due to her past pattern of marriage/divorces she may be just trying to keep the peace. The subject most likely will come up again and if so ask her outright if she expects you to marry her. If she says "yes" then again tell her you are not interested in marriage, however you are comitted to her. I know your ring symbolized this, but something tells me the issue isn't buried.
Tomcat33 Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 What did you get her a ring for?!?!?! It's like showing up to someone's house with a box of condoms and saying "but I don't want you to think I am all about sex" What the...?? LOL
Quest4clue Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 Tomcat, Men are from venus. This sounds similar to my situation. Mine tells me he wants to have a child with me, but than when it comes time to get the ball rolling, he is questioning what he told me. I just do not get how men think, and why they do things that opens a can of worms, only to run and hide and burry their heads in the sand. lol
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