lavamama Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 I'm new here but have been reading for about a week. I am currently separated from my spouse and have filed for divorce. STBX signed the papers WITHOUT READING them and is now mad saying that I deceived him by filing for sole physical and legal custody (he has no income, lives in our family home, doesn't pay any bills and can rarely afford groceries). In my mind this is simply a formality and as long as it is safe for her to do so, our daughter can spend as much time as she wishes with him. This divorce has been a long time coming and although we didn't really argue until this last year when we have had a serious problem in our lives, I have been unhappy for years. Anyway, if it were up to me, we could be friendly and get along for the sake of our child but since I'm not the only one involved it isn't going well. I suggested limiting contact as a way to transition our relationship from one of a married couple to one of co-parents. STBX refuses to do this. When I drop our child off at his house for parenting time he focuses his energy on the next fight he can start with me rather than on being excited that he can spend time building a relationship with his child. When I tell him I'm not going to discuss anything in front of our child, he goes on to say, "honey tell mommy I'm not manipulating you. Tell her that we don't want this separation that she's the only one who wants it. Tell her we don't understand." And on and on. If that isn't manipulation, I don't know what is. I do my best to encourage her to see him as often as she WANTS to, but when he behaves this way (which ultimately ends in tears for him) she doesn't want to spend time with him which ends in more tears and is a vicious cycle. I have asked him to have her ready when I arrive so that we can make a quick and painless (at least on the surface) exchange and end the visit on a good note, but he can't manage to do this. Somehow I always get sucked into the house and into some thing because he refuses to act like an adult for the sake of his daughter. I realize that I am much further along in the healing process than he is so I'm trying to be patient with him but I don't see how this kind of interaction is healthy for our child. Does anyone have any advice as how to "enforce" LC?? Thanks everyone.
Owl Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Start making your exchanges thru a third party that both of you can work with. Instead of dropping her off at his house...drop her off and pick her up at his mom's...or yours. Or another trusted relative or friend. Draft a FORMAL request for limited contact and submit it via your lawyer to his. Ask your lawyer if there's anyway to put "teeth" into the agreement. Also...start documenting all of this information in a written journal. Keep this handy as a reference when you go to court for custody...have handy the dates/times when he didn't have her ready, or things weren't as they were supposed to be. Judges will often take this kind of info into consideration.
Author lavamama Posted December 22, 2008 Author Posted December 22, 2008 Owl I appreciate your response. Neither one of us have a lawyer. I filed the divorce myself and he signed the documents making it an uncontested divorce. In my state, an uncontested divorce doesn't actually go to court. I was hoping to make an already painful situation less painful by avoiding a custody battle (which he would lose if it came to that). My daughter and I live with my mother and he has no family in state so while a third party would be wonderful, we don't really have one. I'm not making excuses, I just know that he wouldn't be willing to agree to that. I had thought about meeting up at McDonalds (as much as I hate that place) for the transition, allowing her to play etc but in my mind that would mean that I had to interact with him more than I am comfortable with right now. I think the biggest problem is that he thinks there is some hope for reconciliation and regardless of how often I tell him there will be no reconciling he is clinging to that thought. He drags our daughter into it pretending like he's acting in her best interests when he is really only considering how he is feeling emotionally over this and not what is actually best for her continuing stability. I did tell him that I wanted her ready this afternoon when it was time for me to pick her up and I did not want to discuss ANYTHING with him. I offered to meet with him tomorrow when she is not present and requested our meeting be under an hour and that we deal strictly with a parenting schedule that will hopefully work for everyone.
Owl Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 I'm curious...what were the "serious problems" that led to this divorce? What makes reconciliation impossible? (note, I'm not telling you TO reconcile...I want to understand what circumstances exist that make you feel that way) Why is HE hoping that reconciliation is possible when you don't feel that way? Why does he feel the marriage isn't over, when you clearly do? What caused this disconnect?
Author lavamama Posted December 22, 2008 Author Posted December 22, 2008 The serious problems include smoking $400 worth of weed a month while I was struggling with my job to make ends meet at home and he struggled to pay the bills on a business that he started (because he was spending money on weed and other unneccesary items) and then got mad at me that I finally put my foot down and told him I wasn't going to give him any more of the money I earned at my job to pay his business expenses. He had what equates to a mental breakdown (whether brought on by medication he was taking or an underlying undiagnosed personality disorder I'm not sure of) where he became extremely violent (not directed at me but destruction of property in the home). I begged him to seek help from a counselor or psychologist but he refuses. Since I left (October 16) with our child because the home wasn't safe he has admitted to me that he cheated on me ("but only once I had a moment of weakness") all the while he was accussing me of cheating on him (which NEVER happened). And frankly, I don't love him anymore. I struggled for 6 years as basically a single parent while still being married (he contributed very little to the family and I'm not just speaking financially). I was raising 2 children, only one of whom I gave birth to, the other is a 39 year old man. He couldn't get out of bed on time to get our daughter to school, he called me 15 minutes after I left the house on the rare occassion that I would get any time to myself because he couldn't take care of our child (she is an easy going, loving kid - not even a high needs child). He quit his job to start his business while I was a full-time student with a part time lab tech job (that I had only recently been hired for) and raising an 18 month old with little to no help from him. I think he wants to reconcile because he is afraid of being alone. I realize that he still loves me but I think he's afraid because he has no job, no money, no house and no stable relationship with his daughter because he was an uninvolved, hands-off parent who didn't take the opportunity to build a relationship with his daughter when we were all under the same roof.
SingleDad Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 I do not know if LC can be enforced - beyond a restraining order. Your daughter is his as well and it is very important that, she have a father in her life - even if he is not a very good influence. You should be sure his contact becomes limited or even supervised visitation if he doesn't give up his illegal smoking pot. If you ever read my thread, you'll see that it can be very hard to give up the hope of reconciliation to bring the family back together. I have been hoping for that for nearly a year now - and my W is just simply moving further and further forward with her own life and BF. It can be very hard to simply give in when you want out and he doesn't - much harder when there is a child involved.
Author lavamama Posted December 22, 2008 Author Posted December 22, 2008 Let me be clear. I would never, never, NEVER, limit the amount of contact that STBX has with his child as long as it is safe for her to be with him. The problem I have is that he wants to pick a fight with me each and every time I drop her off or pick her up. He calls and emails insessantly and while I understand this is not an easy situation for anyone he is making it more difficult on himself than it needs to be. He is quite manipulative with our daughter (see the example I gave in the beginning of the thread) which means that she doesn't want to stay with him. I encourage her (maybe too much I don't know) to stay overnight with him (she is almost 7) but she is just not comfortable staying there. I think her discomfort has to do with his emotional reaction every time it's time to go home. His answer to that is for me to stay overnight as well, which is not an option for me at this point. I have agreed to stay on Christmas Eve but beyond that I don't want to. I think this is one time that I need to honor my feelings above his.
SingleDad Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 lavamama - you already limited his rights with his daughter by taking sole physical and legal custody away from him... I do not think that is normally right or fair - maybe in your case it was with a lazy drug user as a father... Yet If I were the father I'd be pissed off too. That is just not right. I fought hard to get joint legal and physical custody with 55%(mom)/45%(dad) parenting. You won - So I would not change that now... but I would let him know that if he is serious about spending time with his daughter, he needs to clean up his act. It is hard for him not to be angry and complain. Maybe you should allow a window of time for him to vent his arguments - like after your daughter is asleep - by telephone. But tell him if he fights with you around your daughter - you will limit access... As much as he hates the situation he is in - he must do right by not fighting in front of your daughter.
badbrit Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 Singledad, shut up. Your contribution is worthless as it is not advice given without bias and personal feeling. To give good advice you look at an individual situation and anaylise it as best you can and then offer advice. This STBX does not sound at all like he is acting rationally or correctly while the poster is doing her best. Stop projecting your own feeling of your situation into this post, this is not about you, your ex or your child. Ignore the comment that SD made that he should be able to telephone you to vent. That is typical stupid crap from SD.
Author lavamama Posted December 23, 2008 Author Posted December 23, 2008 lavamama - you already limited his rights with his daughter by taking sole physical and legal custody away from him... I do not think that is normally right or fair - maybe in your case it was with a lazy drug user as a father... It is hard for him not to be angry and complain. Maybe you should allow a window of time for him to vent his arguments - like after your daughter is asleep - by telephone. But tell him if he fights with you around your daughter - you will limit access... As much as he hates the situation he is in - he must do right by not fighting in front of your daughter. I understand what you are saying and although in most cases shared legal and physical custody is ideal, in our case it is not. At least not right now. When he is able to show that he can manage being a good dad (and he is trying I will give him credit) then I will file a change to the paperwork. I don't mind him complaining or venting (when our daughter isn't present) it's the crying and sobbing all of the time that gets under my skin. I'm an adult so I can handle it, I have the life experience and the skills required to cope but our child does not. And she shouldn't have to.
Author lavamama Posted December 23, 2008 Author Posted December 23, 2008 Ignore the comment that SD made that he should be able to telephone you to vent. That is typical stupid crap from SD. Thanks Badbrit. I really just want to be able to drop off and pick up my daughter, from her dad, without incident. But at this point he can't manage that. He feels he needs to cry and complain, and while I respect his right to feel that way and have those emotions, in front of our child is not the appropriate place. Now I'm not saying one shouldn't cry or have emotions in front of children but that you shouldn't use those emotions to manipulate which is what he does. I really hope after the holidays things will begin to look up for both of us. I don't hate my STBX and with time I'm sure we can have a working friendship but right now I'm feeling manipulated and smothered.
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