Prim&proper Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Yesterday, after 10 days of NC, I succumbed and contacted the ex. I spoke to him on the phone for 2.5 hours. Of course, afterwards, I felt like crap and spent the day feeling sad and depressed. But I also realized why contact is such a bad idea for the dumpee. I think deep down the thing that we must acknowledge is that we want the contact because in some way we feel that the contact will change the person's mind about the breakup. We normally contact them to point out a certain thing that we feel that they may have forgotten-- an argument to persuade them that the breakup is a bad idea. But after we speak to them, we realized that it is truly useless. That they really don't want to be together. This causes the emotionally turmoil of being broken all over again and so it's like we are being broken up with all over again. The bottom line is contact provides us with hope that we can get back together, only to be crushed when the dumper refuses. It's like setting yourself up for rejection. I think the forum consensus is right on. If you are the dumpee the best thing to do is to not have any contact. The dumper knows how to reach you if they want to. For all those going through a breakup, in a little less than 10 days, it will be a new year and a new beginning. Maybe it's time to shed all the baggage of the ex and look forward to a new person in your life. I have faith that 2009 will be a good year for us all!
Knight_Ctrl Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 I truely hope so. Everyone here is hurting and we need to hope that things will eventually stop sucking. I've felt like I've been just out right shat on for the last few months with one bad thing right after another happening to me/my family. I deeply hope that everyone here can have a better next year. Were all good people, and we deserve it.
kizik Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Hey, great post, very true. We're headed for a new year, which symbolically feels good. I'm sorry he burnt you yesterday, but I am very glad that you learned what you did, and so quick! Some on here take years to learn what you did.
MWH Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Right ON! Count your blessing that you caught on quilck. I was a slow study and kept going back and signing up for more abuse. Duh! Like my buddy told me: "You've got liftime ticket to the Pain-Train that you can redeem at any time. Just give her a call or go see her and you'll get to relive the pain of her abuse all over again any time you want! All ABOARD!" Sounds harsh but hey- he's a true friend and the truth of the matter is that he's right! Any time I want to get another part of my heart and soul tore up I can contact her. Any time I want to get devalued and discarded all I have to do is call. You learned a solid lesson. Don't get down oon yourself for it- it was a valuable lesson. You ROCK! Peace, MWH
kizik Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Like my buddy told me: "You've got liftime ticket to the Pain-Train that you can redeem at any time. Just give her a call or go see her and you'll get to relive the pain of her abuse all over again any time you want! All ABOARD!" Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
trueblue72ny Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 so true, so true. i had to learn the hard way as well. i allowed myself to go back and forth with the ex for a few months post-breakup. we have been apart about 5 months after a 3 1/2year, off and on relationship. in my case however, the ex contacted me first, she asked to be friends, then said "not yet". i want to be friends, but not yet. so we would talk a little here and there. then she blows up at me! it was very confusing to me. i figure i was being used as a backup while she is talking to someone else. to see how that goes. but its no contact going forward. period. i dont care if she emails me or what. it is a bad idea to initiate first contact with an ex, if you have been dumped. the only way i would change my mind at this point is if i received a full meaningful apology backed up by actions. period. and i am not holding my breath for that. did i mention i work with my ex gf? o yes, the joy. it would not be so bad because we work opposite sides of the office, but as an added extra measure, just to make sure i have enough torment in my life, she comes over to my side of the office and puts on a show, wears my cloths and jewerly i gave her and shows off. maks sure i hear and see her. its just like MWH is talking about and his pain train. you want to experience pain? just contact the ex! my plan? just keep going to the gym, working on myself. i feel like its all i have in my life at this point. keep to myself. when i look good and am in shape i feel good. when i feel good my world is better.
EmperorR Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Ah I remember the early days when I kept breaking nc only to get a cold callous voice on the other line. Ah and the one time I didn't mean to break it just asked her how was her sick grandpa and she told me to forget about us. That coldness, as well finding out she was with a new guy a week after dumping me made me go cold nc. Her pathetic text messages have been deleted.
Author Prim&proper Posted December 22, 2008 Author Posted December 22, 2008 MWH, great comments. Yeah, if i wanted to get my heart and soul torn out, I'll be sure to call the ex. How's this for cold callousness-- at the end of the call, the ex actually THANKED me for pointing out one thing that he didn't realize about the relationship. He thanked me for helping him with the next relationship. That sealed it for me! I'd rather ripped my heart out myself than let him do that to me again!
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