kashmir Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Yesterday I spent some time with this girl. Got her number, asked her out, she accepted, etc etc. Everything was going great. We talked over coffee for a long time and then we were just walking through the snow-covered park and talking more. I know I enjoyed it all, and I learned a lot about her. I'm assuming she must have enjoyed it too since she was smiling and laughing. After a few hours she invited me back to her place. Now, pause for a minute. A situation almost IDENTICAL to this happened to me a few months ago. The girl was great, we had a lot of fun, and after a few hours she invited to her place. Once we got to her place though, nothing happened. I didn't make any kind of physical move. Why? Well honestly I thought she was really special and I didn't want to rush things. It was our first date, after all, and she expressed herself as a more conservative type of girl. I assumed she just wanted to show me her place. We left each other on a hug and a kiss on the cheek, but I never went out with her again...she blew me off twice and was avoiding me when I saw her. Based on this, I later assumed that she wanted me to kiss her, or cuddle with her, or do something when we were alone in her apartment, and because I didn't do that she didn't want to see me again. I told myself that from then on I would make a bold move in those situations. Well, yesterday that situation came up. We were just having drinks and sitting next to each other on her couch. She was looking at me and I was looking back. I smiled, she smiled. We were physically close and facing each other. Perfect. When I felt it was right, I leaned in to kiss her... She cringes and leans back, turns her head, and gets up from the couch and walks to the other side of the room. I'm really confused, since everything else seemed to be fine. I don't know what to say, but this came out and it sounded pretty good, "Hey, it's alright. If you're not ready that's fine. We can just talk some more." She doesn't respond for a while with her head turned away, but then says, "Can you leave now?" I have a look that's halfway between confused and pissed. I really didn't know what to do, so I just got my coat and said, "Yeah...look, I really don't know what's up, but you didn't need to react like that." Nothing from her. I put on my coat and leave. This seems like a damned if I do and damned if I don't situation. I don't make a move and she loses interest. I do make a move and she flips out. I don't know what to ask besides what the hell?
kizik Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 No, you're only damned if you do. A girl who likes you does not lose interest in you. You don't need to try to kiss her to ensure she is into you. You moved too fast and it freaked her out. Then you talked. Classic mistake. As much as they say the opposite, girls do not like guys who talk. Not only did you talk, you came off as insecure and needy. The less you do to show interest, the better. Women are so accustomed to men fawning all over them, and you did nothing to show her you were any different than any other penis on this planet. How about playing it cool? Abraham Lincoln once said something like this: "It is better to be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt." But a cool guy also once said this: "Whatever. I don't really give a sh*t. There are plenty of other chicks out there."
Author kashmir Posted December 22, 2008 Author Posted December 22, 2008 Hold on a sec. You're making this out to be like I lunged across the table in a public place without any warning to try and kiss her. How many times have you heard that if it feels right, go for it? Well, it felt very right at that moment. We had just spent 3.5 hours together prior to going to her place. By inviting me to her place - alone - I figured she was pretty comfortable with me. She invited me in, put some music on that we both expressed liking for earlier, and she sat down next to me on the couch with her legs folded up on it. We were talking and flirting here and there. At some point I had my arm on the upper part of the couch so we were both facing each other a pretty close. I told myself, "You're a man. You want to kiss her. Everything is telling you that this is the time, so do it." Then everything went in a complete 180. I don't see how I was needy or insecure. I merely wanted to make sense of what happened. Plus, I made it clear that I was fine with her not wanting to kiss yet, but she was too immature to look past that and see the situation from my shoes. Playing it cool would be going out just to get to know a girl and have a fun time without having any set goals for the date with her. That's exactly what I did.
Isolde Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 I would never invite a guy to my place if I wasn't attracted enough to kiss him; but that's just me. Kashmir, you may have moved a bit fast by SOME people's standards, but she overreacted. All I can say is it's great that you're asking girls out and overcoming your inhibitions. That's the main thing.
Kamille Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Yeah, that is a strange scenario. I thought the whole planet knew that sitting next to each other on a couch on a first date is likely to lead to some kissing. It's the very reason I avoid couches if I'm not interested in the guy by either not inviting him to my apartment or not sitting next to him on the couch if for some reason I do. Which is why I'm thinking this girl most likely has some unresolved issues with an ex that she's in denial about. Put this in the "nothing to do with me" pile Kashmir. When it comes to dating though, there is no magical formula. Unfortunately there isn't a single person in the world that comes complete with an instruction manual. Damned if you damned if you don't, so just keep doing what feels right to you. It isn't always going to work out, but when it finally does, it'll be worth it.
Author kashmir Posted December 22, 2008 Author Posted December 22, 2008 This is actually the first time ever I've gone in for a kiss. The only other time I wanted to go in for a kiss but just didn't have the guts to do it was the time I mentioned that happened months ago. Every other kiss I've had the girl made the first move and I just took it from there. Any other time I was with a girl I didn't have much of a desire to kiss her. So me going in for a kiss is a rare and special thing since I hardly ever even WANT to do it, let alone actually do it. This tells me that I really felt good about this girl and my feelings were telling me to do it. Despite the way she reacted, I think I did pretty good, both with having the balls to do it and how I handled the rejection. I don't think it was a sign of desperation to give her a hint that I was really confused...I was just telling her how I felt, that I think she over-reacted and I'm not sure why she did that.
PrincessPeach Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Good job at going after what you wanted! I would definitely say she overreacted. What's her problem?! Most girls should know inviting a guy alone back to her place after a date is a romantic gesture and then sitting in close proximity together could potenrially lead to something. She probably has a bit of baggage gauging her response so you might want to avoid that one anyways. It's an isolated incodent, so I highly doubt it's anything against you. The next time you feel like going for, go for it again. If you start getting the same response from multiple women then you might need to wonder if it's something you do that makes them act that way (but, honestly, it doesn't seem like you overstepped any lines). If I were the girl in your situation, I would have totally taken a kiss from a guy I invited over and was sitting next to on the couch.
Trialbyfire Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 Home alone and couch with guy = expect a physical move. This is a no-brainer.
Author kashmir Posted December 23, 2008 Author Posted December 23, 2008 Ok, things are starting to make some sense. I just checked my facebook and she sent me a fairly descriptive pm on it late last night. Kamille and Peach were on the right track. She apologized for the way she acted and said it was nothing against me. According to her, she's had a boyfriend for the last year and in the last month or so they've been off and on, being off right now. She said she really liked me and couldn't turn me down. I'm apparently the only other guy she's been out with, so when I went to kiss her she didn't know what to do since she didn't want to get that far with another guy. I'm not sure if this is the truth, but I believe her, though I just hope she's being totally honest...I wouldn't like to find out that she and her on/off boyfriend have really been on and she cheated while they were exclusive. Nonetheless, I responded back with a friendly message. While the way she acted was immature, I thought her message was very mature and sincere, and I'm glad she explained things to me. I was beginning to think I had horrendous breath.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 What a freak. She shouldn't have invited you back to her place if she didn't expect something to happen. Please. What a tease. And then she was rude about it. This is NOT about you and don't spend any more time analyzing it because you did nothing wrong.
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