Meddling In-laws

[smoot]

My husband and his brother have not spoken to eachother in 5 years. Unfortunately my in-laws have been devestated by this because my husband refuses to speak to his brother. They have tried many times to bring the brothers together but my husband won't change his mind. This falling out happened before I met my husband. (I trust my husband and know that his decision to cut contact with his brother was made for the right reasons, and I respect his wishes.) His brother was not invited to our wedding, and I had never met him. However, that has changed rather abruptly.

To my surprise my in laws visited me at my job with my estranged brother in law in tow and decided to introduce us (they did not ask my husbands permission to do this). They decided it was time I met him. Nedless to say I was shocked as my in laws never visited me before at my job, and they dropped this bomb on me. I was extremely angry but played it off as all my workmates were watching. Before my inlaws left they advised that they were on their way to visit my husband at work. I quickly left him a message to let him know, but they got to him first and shocked him with the news that they visited me at my work only minutes before. I was so angry, because they not only disrespected me, but they blatantly disrespected my husband like this. I understand that my in-laws are having a hard time with it but they had no right to do this to us. My husband is very angry. He will probably confront his parents after Christmas as not to mess up the holidays. I would love to forget Christmas with them altogether but I can't, and I wish I could tell them off. How should I cope? (My heart says throw the flaming Christmas Pud at them!)

[Eve]

Crap! In some ways it is a darkly funny scenario, almost like a scene from a film starring Adam Sandler! Man, your in Laws really really want you all to make up. Maybe they are right, maybe they are wrong but really they should have more respect for you and have not involved you so directly within all of this.. especially whilst at work!! The lack of boundaries is pretty scary in my minds eye. I mean, what would happen if you and your husband have a disagreement, would they get involved in this way too? Then again, what do I know? Maybe their emphasis on family is admirable? Instead of sitting on the fence they choose to get involved and do what they actively can. In many respects I sort of admire that in them. I would actively get involved if my kids fell out and werent talking!! I chose to be wary of thinking that there is any particular 'right' way of dealing with things, especially within the minefield which is family life. I think you need to talk to them about what has happened and trust that you can be as bold as them and state how you feel as an individual within all of this. Maybe your husband is being stubborn (?!), I mean, you dont know the whole story do you? I say, dont take sides and find out what happened. Within all of this ensure that all family members know what is off limits to you (your place of work springs to mind) In many ways this is very comical. Take the heat off yourself Hun. Families are crazy.Regards,Eve xx

[smoot]

Hi Eve.

Yes, it's comical alright. I've often considered writing a script!

I do understand why my inlaws did it because it's hard on parents when siblings do not speak. But I don't agree with the way they did it.

Unfortunately, I do know the whole story (I was informed by other siblings and outside parties not related to the family) and my husband is justified in staying away from his brother because he is a jerk. (He took advantage of my husbands parents, but managed to make my husband look like the bad guy when in fact he exposed his brother for the jerk that he is-worse still, my in laws will not support my husband even though they have admitted he was correct-they still dote on his brother (due to past guilt, etc.)

My poor husband is a really great guy, and I feel bad for him. It's not the first time they've disrespected him like this and I don't think it will be the last. Luckily, we keep them at arms length when it comes to our marriage.

Thanks for the words of encouragement though. I'll refrain from hurling the Pud at them.

[imagine]

Hey Smoot,

 

I have a wastrel BIL. MIL keeps trying to mend relations with W and her brother. It's hard to set boundaries for MIL.

 

So we just grit our teeth....

 

You're not alone!

[Cryha]

I would recommend telling your in-laws where the boundaries are and holding firm to that but I highly doubt they will listen. My in-laws are constantly meddling in the way my wife and I choose to raise our children and I have repeatedly told them where the boundaries are and what they are and are not welcome to give input on but they never seem to get the concept of staying out of my business through their heads.

[smoot]

Thanks everybody for your input.

Here is an update...

Christmas was a disaster as my estranged brother in law decided to stay with my inlaws for Christmas. My inlaws decided not to tell my husband and planned to keep it from us until we arrived at their house for Christmas. Unfortunately for them, we found out what they were up to and my husband decided that we would not go. His parents are furious and decided not to talk to us. Oh well. Nobody ever said that families are easy...

[wuggle]

They certainly aren't easy !!

 

They have no right to be furious, they would probably justify it as them trying to help heal rifts round christmas, christmas spirit and all. But sounds like they had no right to meddle and in doing so they have seriously disrespected you and your husband. IMO sounds like you're totally justified in being angry with them and not speaking to them, at least until they apologise. Maybe just don't bother with them at all next year and concentrate on you & H. (unless they apologise)

[Geishawhelk]

Sorry, I'm going to come in from the opposite angle here.

I think that you are treating your in-laws very badly.

Have you any idea what agony it must be for them to have such a stubborn son who won't entertain any idea of reconciling with his brother?

How painful it must be for them to see their own children at loggerheads?

All they want is a good family togetherness.

They're probably elderly and can see a finality to their lives. How about doing something for their well-being and contentment?

 

I appreciate I don't know the why's and wherefores but it sounds as if you don't either.

Has your husband ever tried to explain to you what happened?

 

Short of rape or murder, nothing is so bad that two adults can't get together to talk and settle their differences.

I know loyalty is one thing, but instead of furthering the distance, I think you should work to reconcile your H with his brother.

Can you imagine the ill-feeling when one or both of his parents dies? the division of property, the decisions in the will, the need to divide stuff and clear up the remaining business.... not to mention funerals and arrangements.

 

I speak from bitter experience.

I know what it's like to have a family rift and in the end it's all too ridiculous for words.

It's not worth it.

Nothing is worth this.

I know I may well make you angry, indignant and defensive, but frankly, I don't care.

Nothing is worth this amount of hatred, venom and animosity.

All his parents want is to see their sons talking again.

Even if there is some love lost, why is that too much to ask?

[Stormgren]

Sorry, I'm going to come in from the opposite angle here.

I think that you are treating your in-laws very badly.

 

I don't.

 

Given they're being, in my opinion, underhanded and sneaky in their actions to try to patch things up, why should their bad behavior be rewarded?

 

Instead of directly trying to promote a reconciliation, they resort to shock tactics and concealment to get what they want. This is made worse, really, because there's indications from what the poster was saying that they had direct involvement in the issues that caused the falling out in the first place. The reconciliation isn't just between her husband and his brother, it really involves his parents as well, before and after this latest Christmas debacle.

 

For all we know, the parents are enabling the very behaviors that caused the problems in the first place, and may even be falling under his brother's manipulating behavior again.

 

If nothing else, their actions imply that they still have a major lack of respect toward her and her husband, at least from what I've been reading.

 

I know loyalty is one thing, but instead of furthering the distance, I think you should work to reconcile your H with his brother.

Again, I disagree. Her husband needs an ally here, and any action right now with her trying to create this reconciliation will more than likely be perceived as her "turning against" him. I've been there and tried that with my wife and her father, and it caused me more grief than problems it solved.

 

The only thing that I could see here is that she should support him in the efforts he tries to do now, or down the road. If he tries to work things out, she should be there every step of the way. If not, likewise.

 

All his parents want is to see their sons talking again.

Even if there is some love lost, why is that too much to ask?

Sometimes it is too much to ask. Sometimes the hurt that was caused fractures things beyond repair, even if it isn't to the extremes you mentioned. It also is possible to not want to fix things not due to "hatred, venom and animosity", but because one doesn't want to put themselves back into a toxic situation again and engender those feelings again. In my experience it's possible to get over the hatred and still want to have nothing to do with a person because you don't want to ever go back there again.

 

Mending things should be because they both mutually want this, not just because of the parents' wishes.

[Heroic]

Cut them off for 2 years.

 

Call them tell them and tell them that if they can't respect you and your wishes you will not see them.

 

My SIL suggested me and the wife divorce because we had a slight disagreement at a family function.

 

I will not attend any function she is at. Period.

[Chat]

Wow,

 

there is so much hate in this room! Yes it was wrong for your in-laws to take an underhanded tactic but seriously - for the sake of family togetherness where would your limit be with your own children? I agree that short of rape and murder what possible reason would there be not to want to know eachother?

 

My Father and his Brother had a falling out over the fact that my Mother slept with my Uncle, they had a fight, my Uncle took off on his motorcycle and was killed in an accident - my Father went to his grave with the guilt on him.

 

You say you dont know what its about - why dont you ask? Trusting your husbands judgement is one thing - but seriously women and men can be irrational! Find out what it is before you make assumptions about your inlaws.

 

This life is way too short for misunderstandings/falling outs - especially amongst family.

[want.it]

Unfortunately, I do know the whole story (I was informed by other siblings and outside parties not related to the family) and my husband is justified in staying away from his brother because he is a jerk. (He took advantage of my husbands parents, but managed to make my husband look like the bad guy when in fact he exposed his brother for the jerk that he is-worse still, my in laws will not support my husband even though they have admitted he was correct-they still dote on his brother (due to past guilt, etc.)

She says she knows the whole story. imho the family is not to you committed to and made vows to. Stick with your husband and dont worry about the rest of them, they aren't who you are making your life with. Besides if you don't agree with him HE WILL MORE THAN LIKELY VIEW IT AS YOU TAKING THE OTHER SIDE and then this open up problems between the two of you. I would much rather be happy with my wife than have problems at home and get a long with my in-laws

[want.it]

Hey how do you use the quote thing . That first paragraph was a quote from the op.