somewhere lost in time , this is long

[surviving you]

So I was in a 2 month relationship , it was my first , not sure if that makes any difference , she liked me for a few months before I ever even developed feeling for her

anyway, she broke up with my about 2 months ago

since then everything has been a roller coaster

I dont sleep like before

I dont enjoy what I used to enjoy

every minute I spend without company is agonizing

I used to be able to sit by myself and enjoy my own company for hours, I cant anymore

I went through rage , sadness , wanting to die or sleep forever

after that came hating myself , then thinking she would come back

now im somewhere in between , I dont want to feel like this , I want ME back , I want to be able to sit down and be completely content like I used to be , I want her out of me head

 

but then I flash back to wanting her back

 

she broke it off due to religious differences.<----- that still boggles my

mind

I wish it had been for another reason , I wish it had been because I was a dick of a boyfriend

.......then I got the whole " you can still by my friend right? "

its not that I didnt want to be her friend, I could not for the sake of me

I went NC , and have been since mid October , unfortunately I still hear from my friends how she has nothing nice to say about me , I have never tried to demean her in anyway im not into that , but she feels the need to continue to harrass me

she sent me hateful myspace messages

 

eventually one of my good friends got sick of watching me take it all and blew a gasket and told her off

she ended up apologizing and saying sorry , but even her sorry was barbed wire she said she was sorry and that when I told her I couldnt be her friend the hurt was un imaginable

 

so I felt guilty for hurting her, that was never my intention....see how that turned around on me?

 

in that text she also said I would never have to hear from her again

at first that was the biggest relief, but now it kills me , I know it would kill me more to talk to her

 

I dont know what I want anymore, I want to be happy like before , I want to feel again instead of being numb all the time

 

I threw away 10 months of sobriety , it made everything worse, I feel like im letting her win by still caring , letting her win by getting drunk and smoking, I feel like a dick for not being able to just be her friend

 

 

anyway, I just needed to type this out

I would appreciate any feedback , I realize this is long

 

the song " somebody kill me " from the wedding singer describes all that im feeling pretty well

[Geishawhelk]

By comparison with some, this isn't long. Believe me. So no problems there!

 

Could you clarify the "religious differences" please?

 

Is it her who's religious, or you?

[surviving you]

she is mormon

 

im not any faith in particular , I believe everyone needs to find their own truth and live it , as long as its not hurting anyone in the process

 

being a good person is more important to me than having a faith

[confused_2008]

I was kind of your ex in a recent relationship. Anyway, I ended things with her for a pretty dumb reason, and got upset when she didn't really want to be friends anymore. I was never mean but kind of made her feel guilty about it. My point is, I was, and your ex is, being very selfish and immature. Why should you feel like you have to be her friend? She dumped you! It's pretty manipulative for her play on your niceness and the fact that you care about her like that to help herself relieve her guilt. It is possible, though, that she might not even realize that's she's manipulating you, because I didn't. It's possible she's hurting, too, realizing that she screwed up or missing you.

 

You were completely in the right by going no contact for your benefit, though. It's going to be hard to get over, but I think you should block all forms of her getting in contact with you and keep your friends from telling you what she's doing. I kind of went through the same thing where I didn't want lose contact and lose somebody out of my life, but if there's not going to be a reconciliation, really what's the point of staying in contact?

 

Edit: I've got to add this little rant as it kind of hits home right now, too. As far as religion goes, I'm with you. I take pride in making myself a better person first and foremost. My family is pretty religious, but not to the extreme some people are. It's ironic that many of the more judgmental people cite religion, or mainly the other person's lack of religious beliefs as a reason for that person's inadequacy. By all means, use religion to better yourself, but DON'T JUDGE OTHERS BECAUSE THEY DON'T SHARE YOUR RELIGIOUS BELIEFS. I think it's hypocrisy at its finest. /rant

[FeedingOnFever]

I fully agree with the above post. My ex wants to be friends with me, but I told him clearly that I would love to be friends, but just am not sure if I can. I told him I need time, and I was lucky that he said he was willing to wait.

 

Your ex sounds like she's being utterly and completely immature. You can't break someone's heart and be buddies with them right away. That's like killing off the love in a relationship but being too selfish to let that person move on and grow. She wants to keep all the good parts of you in her life, but be able to move on and see other people. To me that is utterly selfish. You should feel no obligation whatsoever to be her friend at this point. She did the leaving, she can do the waiting.

 

Sorry... I feel very strongly about this. I know you hate seeing her hurt and it makes you feel bad. I'm in the same boat there. The other day I had to be at a secret santa event with my ex there, and he looked so hopeful as he was trying to interject in a conversation I was having with a friend... like he and I could joke around like old times. I didn't have the heart to talk to him, so I moved on to another conversation as smoothly as I could. I still saw his face fall and I hated it.

 

But you and I need to do what is best for us. Our exes will be sad, but they will cope. We need to cope too. Be strong, and I hope tomorrow brings a better day.

[surviving you]

I feel so used , like the biggest Tool

I hate how she turned everything around and me feel like I am the bad guy , what is with all the name calling and down talking about me she does? I just want to understand what in her mind justifys acting the way she is

 

I try looking at it from her point of view, putting myself in her shoes, and in a twisted way it just makes me feel worse

[confused_2008]

I don't really know how her mind justifies acting how it was, but you can't let it get to you. I know it's so easy for me to type that and so hard for you to actually put into action. The thing is it's HER problems, not yours. You can only control YOU. You've got to stop beating yourself up over this.

 

She broke up with you, put you down in front of other people, and sent you demeaning messages. Why would you even want to be friends with her? Think about your other friends. Did they have to guilt trip you into being their friend? HELL NO. You have fun with them, they appreciate you for who you are and probably make you feel good about yourself. I know you don't believe it now, but I bet you will look back and wonder what you ever saw in her. You wondered out loud if it matters this was your first relationship, and it does. I'm going through the same thing and realizing there will be plenty of other girls, better than the last.

 

Look at this as a learning experience and how much better your next relationship will be. You know now to look out for somebody that is as insecure and selfish as she is. You want somebody that loves herself and is able to give that love to you as well, not somebody who needs the friendship of an ex to make herself feel validated, and uses manipulation to get that friendship, nonetheless.

[surviving you]

its funny, I know and agree with everything you say

Ive known it all along , but I guess it helps hearing it from other people

 

i guess its true that the heart is deceitful above all things

[EmperorR]

2 months man move on, I'd love to change places with you

[surviving you]

2 months man move on, I'd love to change places with you

 

your right , easier said than done , im workin on it