Hurtful words: sincere or just anger?

[moonshadow]

My ex and I were together for a year. He's 37, I'm 41. He's very narcissistic (and although I'm not qualified to diagnose, if you read up on narcissistic personality disorder and the accompanying traits of someone with this, it is him right down to the letter). Our year together was very rocky. He had a lot of baggage from a previous relationship (no, he wasn't married) that he wasn't honest with me about, from the start.......and finally admitted it a couple of months into the relationship; by then I had really fallen for him and decided that I'd stick by his side and support him (most women, I'm sure would have told him to get lost). He didn't treat me very well and it was mostly due to him having to deal with his baggage....but then as that got sorted out, his baggage seemed to just be a 'convenient excuse'.

 

I never really felt "loved" by him. He wasn't very affectionate, not one to initiate a kiss (unless he was frisky and wanted sex), didn't really treat me like a girlfriend that he loved and cherished. This caused me to feel rather insecure (something I'd never experienced in previous relationships) and it caused me a lot of anxiety and stress; so much stress that i lost 25 lbs. I was always a nervous wreck. I would bend over backwards to always be there for him, to gain his approval, to impress him (he's very arrogant and an expert at everything), and I guess to make him love me. The only times he'd ever tell me he loved me, really, were in emails when he was trying to get me back (i often ended things with him during that year, because he was often very disrespectful to me). I don't think there was one time that he actually looked me in the eye and told me he loved me.

 

He was very complacent. He just didn't make any effort. I did all the giving and he did all the taking. He was very selfish, often very passive-aggressive, impossible to communicate with (he'd twist things around so bad that my head would spin and that's not like me). He often told lies. I caught him surfing around on dating sites a few times (that's how we'd originally met); he'd justify it by saying he'd created profiles during the few "stints" that we were apart (but this was not the case; I found proof he was continuing to surf these sites while with me, heck - sometimes even when things were going really good for us, so good that he was talking marriage and future and selling our respective home and buying home together, having a family, etc).

 

Last November he dumped me by email (we live 5 minutes apart), for no real reason. He'd done this previously, 3 months before (August 2007) - 4 days before we were supposed to spend a week camping down in Montana). After being dumped for no good reason in August, just as I suspected, in a few days he'd email me like everything was great and no explanation, no apology, no nothing. I did agree to give him a chance after that.....but was clear that if he ever did that again, I would be gone forever. Well last November he did it and that was it for me. He did this after we'd spent 2 weeks intensely looking at homes to buy, talking seriously about selling our respective homes and building one together, spending many evenings out with a realtor looking at homes.......things seemed really good between us. Then, as expected, a few days later he emails me like nothing had happened and wants to go for dinner. No apology, no nothing. I was so hurt, but i was angry that he'd done this to me again.........no conscience. I refused to give him another chance.

 

Over this past year apart, he's tried many times to get me to give him another chance but he's not even tried that hard. A couple of times I agreed to meet with him, hoping/thinking that "maybe" he'd grown up some, and had learned a few things and was ready to be the man he should be.........but usually he was only nice and affectionate for 24 hours, then back to the same arrogant complacent rude guy.

 

6 weeks ago he was trying again to get me to go for dinner with him. I told him no, I was done, it was over, I was tired of his games and crap. He then wrote me an email basically saying that for the past year, he's never wanted to get back with me.........he's really just played games with me (pretending he wanted to get back) to "amuse himself" and to use me as a "filler" until someone else came along...........or to maybe get "laid" (which he never did, not with me anyway). It was really rude. I suspect a lot of it was written to hurt me because he was angry that he couldn't suck me back in........so he was retaliating (he's got a huge ego so to be rejected like that, I guess that made him angry)...........but I can't forget those words.

 

Since then, he's tried to get me to go for dinner with him, or drinks............and I've tried to tell him that I will never be able to trust him..........that to get back with him, I'd always just wonder if he was using me as a "filler" (that was his word). He just rolls his eyes, says to me "those were just words." He's never apologized for those hurtful words, he's never apologized for them or even tried to reassure me that that's not how he really feels. He's so complacent.

 

the only reason I saw him today was because he emailed me last night begging me to phone him, telling me he was really sick. Being a nurse, I guess that kicked in.....and I called. He sounded awful. He scared me he sounded so bad. He's having some heart problems (he's only 37) due to possible thyroid issues. I felt bad for him because he has no family here and how scary it must be to have heart palpitations, chest pain, and be all alone. He's been to the doctor and emergency 3 times now, he's on medication but it doesn't seem to be helping. Anyway, usual me........I drop what I'm doing and I'm so worried about him. I run over to his house last night and check his blood pressure and listen to his heart. He definitely does have a very pounding heartbeat and it is irregular, and I've seen the meds he's on so i know it's not BS.

 

I was worried about him but that's just the nurse in me.

 

I left his place last night at 3:00am. We'd just sat on his couch talking and watching movies. As I went to leave he got all kissy with me, all affectionate, was asking if I'd stay the night. Now I am not an idiot, I am not about to be used, I don't sleep with people I'm not in a relationship with, not even an ex, I'm not a fool. So I told him sorry, I was going home.

 

He called me at 9:30am, told me he "missed me" (he's so not one to talk about his feelings or say nice things so this was a surprise) and asked if I'd spend the day with him. Told me he wasn't feeling too great but a little better.

 

I did go over. The minute I walked in the door he was all kissy face....then insisted I go xmas shopping with him. He's such a user; hates shopping, I'm sure he just wanted me to help him shop.

 

After that we go back to his house. He's getting all frisky while we're on the couch. I come right and say to him "how do I know you're not being this way because I'm just a filler"? He was perturbed by that comment and then backed off, kind of pouty.

 

But seriously............how would I ever feel confident that he's not just using me?

 

During the day he asked if I wanted to away somewhere with him for New Years.

 

This is how he is; he thinks because you start talking again, that the relationship is back on...........but that's great for him, never has to apologize or anything, just sweep everything under the rug and carry on. I don't operate that way.

 

Not once today did he tell me how he felt about me..........you'd think if a man really did care about you, he'd say something to that effect. I think he just wanted a 'nurse' to look after him, someone to help him xmas shop and maybe a chance at getting a roll in the sheets.

 

He flies out to his hometown this coming Wed morning and has to be at the airport at 6:30am (well, likely 5:30am)...........bet you $20 he'll ask me to drive him because he's cheap and won't want to leave his truck parked at the airport...................he's a user likes people when they serve a purpose. That's just him. But he's so not a giver at all.

 

When he goes back home, will he tell his family that I was so worried about him that I came over and checked him out and was there for him? Of course not. He'd prefer to keep me a secret.

 

Ironically, he always used to make fun of me as a nurse.........put me down, called me a blue-collar worker........i no longer do the traditional hospital nursing, have been doing something a lot more specialized the past 5 years (it's within more of a corporate environment so no hands-on care)....he used to love to tell people that "she's a nurse but she just sits on her a$$ and drinks coffee all day" or tell me "you're not a real nurse." Funny, I come in handy when he's got health issues. Funny even more, when I've had the odd health issue while together, once I was doubled over in pain for an hour and he watched me walk bent over around my house......didn't even offer to help me, ask if I was okay.

 

He is toxic and not relationship material. I don't even know what i saw in him. The man I fell in love with doesn't even seem like the same guy. That's because the man I fell in love with was a man who was acting; pretending to be caring and mature and affectionate and romantic...but as time passed, the man he really IS became evident; a time-waster, a user, a manipulator, a liar, keeps secrets, disrespectful to me, impossible to communicate with, always putting me down in a sarcastic way, etc.

 

He doesn't deserve a good woman, he doesn't deserve me. I feel like a fool for rushing to his house last night at 10pm, it's 35 below (celcius).....I rush over there, all worried about him, all nice, asking what I can do, is there anything I can do for him..........back to the same old dynamics.......me catering to him like he's the king and I am nothing. He must think he's so slick.

[dashing daisy]

.................he's a user likes people when they serve a purpose. That's just him. But he's so not a giver at all.

 

once I was doubled over in pain for an hour and he watched me walk bent over around my house......didn't even offer to help me, ask if I was okay.

 

He is toxic and not relationship material. I don't even know what i saw in him. The man I fell in love with doesn't even seem like the same guy. That's because the man I fell in love with was a man who was acting; pretending to be caring and mature and affectionate and romantic...but as time passed, the man he really IS became evident; a time-waster, a user, a manipulator, a liar, keeps secrets, disrespectful to me, impossible to communicate with, always putting me down in a sarcastic way, etc.

 

Why are you still talking to him? Why are you letting him play games with you? It seems like you still have feelings for him, regardless of the horrible way he has treated you, and still is treating for you. They go beyond just caring for someone because you are a nurse. Sometimes you can't control your feelings, sometimes you still care about someone who turns out to be a complete a**hole, which your ex seems to be. But you can control your actions, and you can protect yourself.

 

Don't answer his emails, don't give him a ride to the airport. If he calls and says he's really sick, tell him to go to the doctor or the emergency room. Otherwise he is going to continue to manipulate you to get what he wants, and you are going to continue to be pulled into his trap, which is only hurting you.

 

6 weeks ago he was trying again to get me to go for dinner with him. I told him no, I was done, it was over, I was tired of his games and crap. He then wrote me an email basically saying that for the past year, he's never wanted to get back with me.........he's really just played games with me (pretending he wanted to get back) to "amuse himself" and to use me as a "filler" until someone else came along...........or to maybe get "laid" (which he never did, not with me anyway). It was really rude. I suspect a lot of it was written to hurt me because he was angry that he couldn't suck me back in........so he was retaliating (he's got a huge ego so to be rejected like that, I guess that made him angry)...........but I can't forget those words.

Of course you can't forget those words. Those are some of the most cruel things you can say to someone who cares about you. Whether he wrote that email because he meant it, or because he was trying to hurt you--none of us can really say-- he is cruel enough to write you an email like that, with absolutely no regard to your feelings, just because he felt like it. Do you really want to be involved, in any way, with that kind of person?

 

Seriously............how would I ever feel confident that he's not just using me?

 

You won't, because he IS using you.

[moonshadow]

Why are you still talking to him? Why are you letting him play games with you? It seems like you still have feelings for him, regardless of the horrible way he has treated you, and still is treating for you. They go beyond just caring for someone because you are a nurse. Sometimes you can't control your feelings, sometimes you still care about someone who turns out to be a complete a**hole, which your ex seems to be. But you can control your actions, and you can protect yourself.

 

Don't answer his emails, don't give him a ride to the airport. If he calls and says he's really sick, tell him to go to the doctor or the emergency room. Otherwise he is going to continue to manipulate you to get what he wants, and you are going to continue to be pulled into his trap, which is only hurting you.

 

 

Of course you can't forget those words. Those are some of the most cruel things you can say to someone who cares about you. Whether he wrote that email because he meant it, or because he was trying to hurt you--none of us can really say-- he is cruel enough to write you an email like that, with absolutely no regard to your feelings, just because he felt like it. Do you really want to be involved, in any way, with that kind of person?

 

 

 

You won't, because he IS using you.

 

I know, Daisy - you're not telling me things I don't already know. I don't know what is wrong with me, I really don't. It's not even logical. When I looked at him today, or sat and talked with him as we were watching TV, I just couldn't understand what I ever saw in him. He is so not the nice, caring, genuine guy he originally lead me to believe he was. There's so many things he's done and said to me over the past 2 years, they would make your head spin, he's just rotten. I'm not even physically attracted to him (and Lord knows it isn't good sex that i miss because I never had good sex with him, but that's another post LOL). I don't know what it is. I don't think it's loneliness because to be truthful, over this past year I've dated a few times and just found I had no real desire to get into a relationship again.........I just wanted to spend some time alone to get some peace and contentment back in my life.............that's been something I've really needed and enjoyed tremendously.

 

I think that maybe deep down, I deeply hurt - subconsciously - by the way he's (mis)treated me...........and I can't let go because I think he'll one day see the light and what a good woman he gave up......and I deserve to be treated well by him (I loved him more than anyone, ever).......

 

I don't know.

 

I know he's toxic.

 

I know he's boring as hell.

 

He's arrogant, selfish, a user, a total manipulator, not someone I could ever trust again (on so many fundamental levels).

 

He's impossible to communicate with.

 

He's never been one to ever apologize; his idea of the way things should go is, I should just "forgive and forget and stop living in the past" - how convenient for him.

 

I don't even know what I see in him. I don't see anything. Maybe it's just the challenge..............that I'm not a quitter and I just can't quit until he finally wakes up and treats me good............but the logical part of me knows he will never be able to because he's only capable of loving himself. He's a narcissist.

 

Don't suggest counseling, I already did that.......way back, to try and get to the root of why I remained with someone who treated me so disrespectfully. I went about 10 times and all I got out of it was that I grew up in a home with an abusive Mom and a Dad I tried so hard to please.......and never really feeling good or loved enough. Okay, well I can't change my childhood, so knowing this doesn't really help.

 

Last night as we were talking on the phone (before I rushed over there), it was like I was standing outside of myself.............and I could hear myself being so sweet to him, asking if he was okay, could I do anything for him, did he need anything, did he want me to come over if he was scared of being alone, etc..........and there was a part of me that felt like a chump.........and a doormat by my own choosing -- so ready to run to him and help him, almost like I had no pride.......but I found myself justifying it by telling myself "well you're doing this because you're a nurse and you care about people." I think I realized I was really just BSing myself.

 

I have been proud of myself over the past year; I never did go back, I never did get sucked back in. I may have met with him a few times, out of hope that he'd changed and had realized what he'd lost..........but within 24 hours I realized it was all just an act.

 

I have tried to remind myself over this past year, that he is not the 'norm' - that there are good and caring men out there...........who know how to love, who know how to receive and appreciate love...........who are honest, who have integrity, who are kind and caring, who do not take pleasure in humiliating and belittling their girlfriend. there are good men out there who don't just "pretend" to want someone to settle down and make a life with, but actually put those words into action. It is this belief that's kept me from going back, and it's this belief that's kept me from starting to think men, in general, are dogs.

 

I guess I still have some work to do. More than I thought, I guess.

[dashing daisy]

There's nothing "wrong" with you. You're human. I think this happens to all of us from time to time. We all get involved with people who aren't the best for us. (Or are maybe even the worst for us.) We all get stuck in relationships, only to finally get out and say "what the hell was I thinking?" We all love people we know we "shouldn't." It happens. Feelings aren't logical by nature, and sometimes, no matter what we want, and no matter how much we don't want to feel something, we just can't control them.

 

I'm glad you realize how far you've come, and you deserve to be proud of yourself. Really. I know it can feel like an impossible battle sometimes, but you are doing it. We all have work to do, just take it one step at a time. I get the sense that you're stronger than you think.

[510]

My ex and I were together for a year. He's 37, I'm 41. He's very narcissistic (and although I'm not qualified to diagnose, if you read up on narcissistic personality disorder and the accompanying traits of someone with this, it is him right down to the letter). Our year together was very rocky. He had a lot of baggage from a previous relationship (no, he wasn't married) that he wasn't honest with me about, from the start.......and finally admitted it a couple of months into the relationship; by then I had really fallen for him and decided that I'd stick by his side and support him (most women, I'm sure would have told him to get lost). He didn't treat me very well and it was mostly due to him having to deal with his baggage....but then as that got sorted out, his baggage seemed to just be a 'convenient excuse'.

 

I never really felt "loved" by him. He wasn't very affectionate, not one to initiate a kiss (unless he was frisky and wanted sex), didn't really treat me like a girlfriend that he loved and cherished. This caused me to feel rather insecure (something I'd never experienced in previous relationships) and it caused me a lot of anxiety and stress; so much stress that i lost 25 lbs. I was always a nervous wreck. I would bend over backwards to always be there for him, to gain his approval, to impress him (he's very arrogant and an expert at everything), and I guess to make him love me. The only times he'd ever tell me he loved me, really, were in emails when he was trying to get me back (i often ended things with him during that year, because he was often very disrespectful to me). I don't think there was one time that he actually looked me in the eye and told me he loved me.

 

He was very complacent. He just didn't make any effort. I did all the giving and he did all the taking. He was very selfish, often very passive-aggressive, impossible to communicate with (he'd twist things around so bad that my head would spin and that's not like me). He often told lies. I caught him surfing around on dating sites a few times (that's how we'd originally met); he'd justify it by saying he'd created profiles during the few "stints" that we were apart (but this was not the case; I found proof he was continuing to surf these sites while with me, heck - sometimes even when things were going really good for us, so good that he was talking marriage and future and selling our respective home and buying home together, having a family, etc).

 

Last November he dumped me by email (we live 5 minutes apart), for no real reason. He'd done this previously, 3 months before (August 2007) - 4 days before we were supposed to spend a week camping down in Montana). After being dumped for no good reason in August, just as I suspected, in a few days he'd email me like everything was great and no explanation, no apology, no nothing. I did agree to give him a chance after that.....but was clear that if he ever did that again, I would be gone forever. Well last November he did it and that was it for me. He did this after we'd spent 2 weeks intensely looking at homes to buy, talking seriously about selling our respective homes and building one together, spending many evenings out with a realtor looking at homes.......things seemed really good between us. Then, as expected, a few days later he emails me like nothing had happened and wants to go for dinner. No apology, no nothing. I was so hurt, but i was angry that he'd done this to me again.........no conscience. I refused to give him another chance.

 

Over this past year apart, he's tried many times to get me to give him another chance but he's not even tried that hard. A couple of times I agreed to meet with him, hoping/thinking that "maybe" he'd grown up some, and had learned a few things and was ready to be the man he should be.........but usually he was only nice and affectionate for 24 hours, then back to the same arrogant complacent rude guy.

 

6 weeks ago he was trying again to get me to go for dinner with him. I told him no, I was done, it was over, I was tired of his games and crap. He then wrote me an email basically saying that for the past year, he's never wanted to get back with me.........he's really just played games with me (pretending he wanted to get back) to "amuse himself" and to use me as a "filler" until someone else came along...........or to maybe get "laid" (which he never did, not with me anyway). It was really rude. I suspect a lot of it was written to hurt me because he was angry that he couldn't suck me back in........so he was retaliating (he's got a huge ego so to be rejected like that, I guess that made him angry)...........but I can't forget those words.

 

Since then, he's tried to get me to go for dinner with him, or drinks............and I've tried to tell him that I will never be able to trust him..........that to get back with him, I'd always just wonder if he was using me as a "filler" (that was his word). He just rolls his eyes, says to me "those were just words." He's never apologized for those hurtful words, he's never apologized for them or even tried to reassure me that that's not how he really feels. He's so complacent.

 

the only reason I saw him today was because he emailed me last night begging me to phone him, telling me he was really sick. Being a nurse, I guess that kicked in.....and I called. He sounded awful. He scared me he sounded so bad. He's having some heart problems (he's only 37) due to possible thyroid issues. I felt bad for him because he has no family here and how scary it must be to have heart palpitations, chest pain, and be all alone. He's been to the doctor and emergency 3 times now, he's on medication but it doesn't seem to be helping. Anyway, usual me........I drop what I'm doing and I'm so worried about him. I run over to his house last night and check his blood pressure and listen to his heart. He definitely does have a very pounding heartbeat and it is irregular, and I've seen the meds he's on so i know it's not BS.

 

I was worried about him but that's just the nurse in me.

 

I left his place last night at 3:00am. We'd just sat on his couch talking and watching movies. As I went to leave he got all kissy with me, all affectionate, was asking if I'd stay the night. Now I am not an idiot, I am not about to be used, I don't sleep with people I'm not in a relationship with, not even an ex, I'm not a fool. So I told him sorry, I was going home.

 

He called me at 9:30am, told me he "missed me" (he's so not one to talk about his feelings or say nice things so this was a surprise) and asked if I'd spend the day with him. Told me he wasn't feeling too great but a little better.

 

I did go over. The minute I walked in the door he was all kissy face....then insisted I go xmas shopping with him. He's such a user; hates shopping, I'm sure he just wanted me to help him shop.

 

After that we go back to his house. He's getting all frisky while we're on the couch. I come right and say to him "how do I know you're not being this way because I'm just a filler"? He was perturbed by that comment and then backed off, kind of pouty.

 

But seriously............how would I ever feel confident that he's not just using me?

 

During the day he asked if I wanted to away somewhere with him for New Years.

 

This is how he is; he thinks because you start talking again, that the relationship is back on...........but that's great for him, never has to apologize or anything, just sweep everything under the rug and carry on. I don't operate that way.

 

Not once today did he tell me how he felt about me..........you'd think if a man really did care about you, he'd say something to that effect. I think he just wanted a 'nurse' to look after him, someone to help him xmas shop and maybe a chance at getting a roll in the sheets.

 

He flies out to his hometown this coming Wed morning and has to be at the airport at 6:30am (well, likely 5:30am)...........bet you $20 he'll ask me to drive him because he's cheap and won't want to leave his truck parked at the airport...................he's a user likes people when they serve a purpose. That's just him. But he's so not a giver at all.

 

When he goes back home, will he tell his family that I was so worried about him that I came over and checked him out and was there for him? Of course not. He'd prefer to keep me a secret.

 

Ironically, he always used to make fun of me as a nurse.........put me down, called me a blue-collar worker........i no longer do the traditional hospital nursing, have been doing something a lot more specialized the past 5 years (it's within more of a corporate environment so no hands-on care)....he used to love to tell people that "she's a nurse but she just sits on her a$$ and drinks coffee all day" or tell me "you're not a real nurse." Funny, I come in handy when he's got health issues. Funny even more, when I've had the odd health issue while together, once I was doubled over in pain for an hour and he watched me walk bent over around my house......didn't even offer to help me, ask if I was okay.

 

He is toxic and not relationship material. I don't even know what i saw in him. The man I fell in love with doesn't even seem like the same guy. That's because the man I fell in love with was a man who was acting; pretending to be caring and mature and affectionate and romantic...but as time passed, the man he really IS became evident; a time-waster, a user, a manipulator, a liar, keeps secrets, disrespectful to me, impossible to communicate with, always putting me down in a sarcastic way, etc.

 

He doesn't deserve a good woman, he doesn't deserve me. I feel like a fool for rushing to his house last night at 10pm, it's 35 below (celcius).....I rush over there, all worried about him, all nice, asking what I can do, is there anything I can do for him..........back to the same old dynamics.......me catering to him like he's the king and I am nothing. He must think he's so slick.

Seems like you have all the answers so whatever happens, good, bad or indifferent you cannot blame him. You have your own free will and because you are a grown woman you are responsible for your actions. I would rather be alone and hurt than to be with someone who constantly hurts me. Why don't you love yourself as much as he loves himself.

 

At some point you have to stop blaming the emotional abuser..

[moonshadow]

Seems like you have all the answers so whatever happens, good, bad or indifferent you cannot blame him. You have your own free will and because you are a grown woman you are responsible for your actions. I would rather be alone and hurt than to be with someone who constantly hurts me. Why don't you love yourself as much as he loves himself.

 

At some point you have to stop blaming the emotional abuser..

 

I'm not blaming him for everything, really I'm not. Okay, the way he treated me over time was horrible and disrespectful but I take responsibility for giving him the opportunities to do so. Had I been able to stand my ground and not given him so many chances, I wouldn't have been further abused -- so I do take the blame here. I guess part of my personality is that I'm forgiving and the type to give someone the benefit of a doubt. I try to see the good in people and I don't expect anyone to be perfect (as I'm not)....I guess I just thought that one day he would 'wake up' and realize what a good thing he had in me and he'd appreciate it. But I guess a narcissist just doesn't think this way.

 

I used to end things with him and be really good about standing my ground but it would never last for more than 1-2 weeks, then I'd feel guilt (had was the master of manipulation and making me feel guilty) and I just couldn't see it, and I'd take him back.

 

I also believe that we teach people how to treat us; we teach them what we will and will not accept and if you continue to give 2nd and 3rd and 4th+ chances to someone who abuses you and disrespects you, they will continue to do so........so I take responsibility for that, too.

 

I may not be perfect but I believe I'm a good catch and I have a lot to give and a lot going for me. But with him, he slowly made me feel inadequate in every way; from the constant digs about how I drove, how I cooked, how I painted my home, how I decorated my home, how I dressed, the type of purse I used, the kind of jewelry I wore, you name it. According to him though, the constant sarcastic put-downs were "all in fun" and I was just "too sensitive" and needed to "lighten up." I actually got to the point where I started to believe I was too thin-skinned and i tried very hard to let his constant smart comments roll off my back. The thing is, I have a really good sense of humour but I don't think that putting someone down is "funny." there's a time and place to be funny or make cutting remarks.

 

I guess with him, he just made me feel, slowly over time, that I was just inadequate overall..........and it became my mission to "prove to him" that I was worth loving. Until this relationship, I'd never been with a narcissist. I'd never HAD TO work at making someone love me. I never before had to "ask" a boyfriend to kiss me (usually they couldn't keep their hands off me......which is often usual when you're a couple and you're in love......and it goes both ways...and I don't necessarily mean in a sexual way........i just mean in a caring, affectionate, loving way). Never before had I been with someone who made me feel so inadequate as a woman. I just couldn't figure it out because compared to his exes, I have a lot going for me and I have a lot to bring to the table.

 

I will tell you though, there is nothing worse than to spend each day feeling sick inside and wondering if your partner really loves you OR if he's just with you while he looks for someone else. I'd never before experienced that kind of insecurity, it was all foreign to me. So much of the things I experienced with him, they were new to me. He was often just extremely rude....and I could never figure out what I'd done to deserve such rudeness and blatant disregard. But I guess when you're a narcissist and you love only yourself and think you're God's gift to the planet, that's how you operate. I just could never understand it. He'd been so different in the beginning and THAT was who I thought he really was............just a decent, hard-working guy with integrity who was looking for the the "one" to settle down and build a future with. But over time I realized this just wasn't really him and it was difficult to understand or accept.

[510]

Jesus was forgiving and still didn't allow people to walk all over him. Even he dusted off his feet and kept it moving. I guess you need to ask yourself why are you in it?

[moonshadow]

Jesus was forgiving and still didn't allow people to walk all over him. Even he dusted off his feet and kept it moving. I guess you need to ask yourself why are you in it?

 

Well I'm not still "in it." Over this past year, regardless of whether he was sincere in his desire to get back (I'm doubtful; I think he'd just get bored and to him, I was 'convenient', so he'd pretend to want me back), I never did fall for it........whereas, prior to that I would always fall for it.......so I've grown that way.

 

I look at this past weekend; I ran over to him because he was sick and scared and I put aside all of the pain he's caused me for so long...and I put him first........and I didn't even get a thanks. I didn't even hear from him at all today. That's just the way he is, he's always been that way. He's nice for 24 hours once we start to communicate again but once he thinks I'm "back", he disappears; until the next time he "needs me." I fully expect he'll contact me tomorrow night and want me to come over.....with the hopes that I'll agree to 'stay over' and then conveniently get up at 4:30am to drive him to the airport. He's such a user and so predictable, so transparent. Then when he's back from his family's on Sunday, he'll call because he'll be bored and he has all of next week off so he'll be bored....so he'll expect I'll be available. He'll expect I'll spend New Year's eve with him, too. The extent of his selfish desire to use people is mind-blowing. It took me a long time to realize this about him, I've just never known men who were such users.

 

Shame on me, I should have never agreed to call him when I received his pathetic email begging me to call because he was "so sick." Funny, in all the time we were together he put me down as a nurse but then when he has health issues who does he call? But he's so arrogant, he was sitting there the other night giving me a 'lesson' on thyroid disease and the function of the thyroid gland. What a fekking arrogant moron, always thinks he knows more than me. I've been a nurse for over 21 years, I MYSELF have thyroid issues so trust me, I know about it - I don't need a lesson from the peanut gallery.

 

He was actually snidely throwing in my face that I'm not much of a nurse because if I had been, I would have 'diagnosed him' a long time ago. Say what? He only recently started having issues with heart palpitations, surely not when I was with him.........but he loves to take every opportunity to put me down and downplay my knowledge as a nurse.

 

If he has future health problems he can call someone else. I don't even care. Our entire time together was about him and his issues; whether work, health, friends, ex, his daughter, his family, etc. His stuff monopolized every conversation. He never asked about my job, my family, my nothing. If I ever did dare tell him how my day was, he'd barely grunt in response. Now again his health issues put the focus back on him, poor guy......all he could talk about on Sunday while I was out helping his Christmas shop was talk about how 'sick he was', everything is all about him. Over all of the hours we spent together, did he ever ask how I'm doing? What's new with me? He knew I'd been job searching, did he ask how that was going? Did he ask anything about me? No, because he couldn't care less. That's so HIM.

 

I truly wish that I could just totally and completely forget him from my memory. If there was something I could do to accomplish this, I would do it in a heartbeat.