kelly kimmel 78 Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 I have been friends with the same person since kindergarten. We went to grade school, high school, and even college together. We became very close in high school. We were always together, every single day. This is going to be a little long, but I'll really appreciate anyone who responds because this is something that has really been bothering me. Anyway, this girl is one of those shy girls in high school (like myself). It is a little hard to describe her. She is comfortable around certain people and can only show her personality when she is comfortable. She very nice and funny. But, sometimes I feel like I am the only person who sees how she really is though. Don't get me wrong, I love her she is one of my best friends and we would always have great times together. However, I always saw her as EXTREMELY self-centered. She is very very self-conscious and always thinks people are talking about her. The reason I think she is self centered sometimes is because she is the least thoughtful person I know. The only reason she would do something for another person, is so people will like her. Throughout high school I was always the "designated driver." I would be the only one that worked and the only one that drove. I know, dumb of me. It was horrible. The girl I am talking about here would get very drunk and I always swore from the time I was 16 was that she had an alcohol problem. She would black out and have sex and not remember. I would take care of her all the time. She would apologize and somehow all our friends would sympathize for her. She just doesn't understand how she gets. And never has since. Anyway, after high school, we roomed together in college. I didn't want to; however, I felt bad saying no. So I agreed to it and I lasted one semester before transferring out. She was drinking all the time. She was complaining about being homesick. Crying all the time. Saying how she thinks she is fat, wants a boyfriend, doesn't know what she wants to do with her life. It was too much. I was depressed being around her. I mean I feel bad to a certain point, but she wasn't even trying to make the best out of it. I couldnt go out by myself and i didn't make any of my own friends. At this point, I felt like it was only a continuation of the high school drama. I transferred home the following semester. I didn't tell any of my friends the real reason why I transferred. They were all sympathetic of her and felt bad for her. I would have stayed there if i went by myself. I loved it there. The next year she transferred home too. Things were ok. I am still friends with her today. And she is doing better than she was before. But recently, she has been making me SO angry. I understand that we both work and have school, but she never calls me just catch up and if i stopped calling her, I really think we'd completely lose touch. She is moving into an apartment in about a week with a friend. I feel like now that she is occupied with something, she doesnt care about anyone else. She is set on doing what she wants and doesnt have time to call. It's almost like she can only keep in touch with one person at a time. She has been dating a couple people and is so caught up with her work and trying to get a boyfriend and moving out that she is not even bothering to try to talk to me! It is SO frustrating and I feel like I'm chasing her like a little puppy. It makes me so sad to think that I spent all this time doing stuff for her and she just moves on as soon as she has a chance. Does anyone know what I should do? Should i just give up and see what happens? I can't talk to her about it because its like she doesn't understand what she is doing. I know it sounds a little mean...but she has been acting very dumb lately. She doesn't understand anything and has no idea its bothering me. I've told her before how I feel like she never tries to talk and she says she never calls anyone. Do I have to chase her around to be her friend??
Eve Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 The thing with friendship is that you truly get to see people as they really are and this can be somewhat disturbing at times. I think that you are both going through massive changes, what with University and different social groups and emotional stuff .. that it is easy to lose sight of just how much you really know about other. From what you have said, I think that in many ways you both need one another but get different things from your friendship. The friend you speak off does not seem as able to navigate social situations as gracefully as you do, whilst you do seem less able to openly express yourself. She probably has the same sort of emotional capacity but turns her emphasis inwards - you turn yours outwards.The only thing I can suggest is that you follow one simple rule... only give what you want to give and give it freely. I have used this rule for many years and it seems to pretty much bypass the whole 'cycle of regret' thing which comes when friends let you down or I have let my friends down. Also, its ok to be somewhat vulnerable with your friend. I would simply ask if we could talk and concentrate on the future. Maybe suggest specific times when you meet up. All in all it may be that it is time for this friendship to experience a cooling off period whilst you both do other things. Chances are the part of your friendship which developed in early childhood willl be important to you both at a future time mainly because you both knew the core essence of each other prior to 'growing up'. This may become especially valid once you both have families. Friendship can be a really hard thing to sustain! Regards,Eve xx
Kenyth Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 "I understand that we both work and have school, but she never calls me just catch up and if i stopped calling her, I really think we'd completely lose touch." She's got a few emotional issues and had a negative impact on your life. Sometimes, you just have to let people go their own way while you go yours. From your statement here, it sounds as though this problem could solve itself, if you'd let it.
Cryha Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 I would say let her go her own way and you go yours. Maybe send her an email every now and then and a Chistmas card ect. but don't try to force a relationship with someone who is to busy with her own thing. My wife had an experience like this with a friend and after letting that friend go her own way for a while she started calling my wife again and their friendship is better now than it ever was.
Author kelly kimmel 78 Posted December 23, 2008 Author Posted December 23, 2008 Thanks everyone...I just get really mad when I think about it. Even if I do let it go and stop calling, it bothers me so much. How can someone act like that? She has no care at all for anything. I don't know. I guess I'll just let it go and see what happens...
Mary3 Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 I think the core of the problem is YOU. This girl neglected you, used you, ignored you , was selfish towards you and now some time later you still feel offended that her abhorant behavior is still hurting you and you want her back ` sort of.... Get right with yourself. Dump this so called Sucubus of a friend sucking the life out of you, I had a friend somewhat similar. Very spoiled selfish , ( still is ) Wants everything her way yesterday ! So one time she blew me off and said she would call right back. Yeah I didnt believe her. ONCE I didnt believe her anymore and realized she was neglecting our friendship I was OKAY to move forward and put her as an afterthought like she did me. Same pattern 5 years later. I dont let it get to me. When she breaks up shes on the phone constantly with me. When she takes him back my phone is silent. So my phone has been silent this week ( I already know what it means ) . But the difference is ....I dont let it affect me. I deserve better friends than her..
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