redant Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 I have been dating this guy that I am attracted to, but I am not interested in having sex at this point. I've only known him a month. We have gone out quite a bit, I enjoy his company and many things about him, but then I also feel pressured because he wants me to sleep over with him all the time. I am in my mid thirties and I am looking for someone who wants something serious, someone who is looking to get married. Anyway last night we were making out etc, but I stopped him again and explained to him again that I don't yet want to I don't feel like I know him well enough or trust him enough and am wanting something more that just sex and good times. Anyway he seems to think that sex takes things to another level etc and that's just how he always does things. Meets someone he likes then has sex, I guess I have done the same, but now I want to know the person more, because I'm looking to settle down I want to make sure they will be there and really care about me. So he left and we decided we think different. I guess I wont hear from him again, but it is a little hurtful that he really did not care. . What do yall think about what I did. Will any guy be ok with waiting? I feel like I will never find someone I am attracted to that is willing to wait.
MN randomguy Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Its hard to be viewed as a relationship guy and not get sex like other guys do. Two things going on. !. It sucks that I have to work harder than any other guy she's slept with. It creates quite the disincentive for being the LTR potential guy. 2. If the guy was really into you he'd wait.
likestolaugh Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 well then it's odd, I must say. Maybe he's sees you just as another conquest? Maybe he's just immature....
Author redant Posted December 22, 2008 Author Posted December 22, 2008 Yea I understand about him having to work so hard etc. it's just that I'm not willing to do it with anyone. He thought I need to meet someone I am really into and attracted to, but I doubt I would she be that way and screw for pure pleasure because I want more. I do csee your point. I guess I'm worried no one would be willing to wait!! Only God knows, but I though I'd post here too.
Enema Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 If I was the guy and (assumption) also mid-30's, I wouldn't want to waste time playing games like this. If we're dating and I like the woman and find her attractive, and she likes me and finds me attractive... we should have sex. Playing games like waiting to see if he "is serious" would piss me off. Oh, she likes to use sex as a weapon eh? fine. bye.
Author redant Posted December 22, 2008 Author Posted December 22, 2008 He is European and he tried very hard to impress me from the beginning and to sleep with me so it did/has seemed like a conquest. ll I need is to get my plate from him. Maybe we can be friends, but he seems like he may not want that not sure.
johan Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 It's a dilemma for a lot of guys, I guess. If you aren't careful, you'll make it clear that you equate sex to marriage. Even a good guy will think twice when he realizes how seriously you're taking him. Some, maybe most, guys would prefer that the relationship have a little less gravity early on.
Author redant Posted December 22, 2008 Author Posted December 22, 2008 Yea well I really don't know him well enough to have sex with him I think, but obviously he thinks differently. I sure don't know him well enough to think of marrying him either.
Enema Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Another possible thought he might have: We've been going out and having a great time, i think she likes me but she says she doesn't want to have sex. What's the deal? Maybe she doesn't like sex. Do I really want to be with someone that doesn't like to have sex as much as me?
xpaperxcutx Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 I don't think a relationship should be predominately about sex neither should it be a challenge or conquest. I think if a relationship is serious, it can occur naturally without any caution or smoothtalking. The guy really was looking to getting laid rather than pursue anything significant. If your state of mind urges you to wait then you should always listen to yourself first over others.
Tomcat33 Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Its hard to be viewed as a relationship guy and not get sex like other guys do. Two things going on. !. It sucks that I have to work harder than any other guy she's slept with. It creates quite the disincentive for being the LTR potential guy. I am not a guy, but if I were I would feel like this too. In reading about the situation a few things come to mind, while it's great that you are ready to be married and want a serious relationship with this guy the idea that you are being so calculative about what you want and how much you can give in terms of what you will get in return adds an aweful lot of pressure on the guy, not to mention it takes away any sort of natural flow the relationhsip can have from developing into something truly deep and meaningful on a long term basis. I think you are going about this rather wrong, I understand you want to wait and want something serious but you need to let the relationship flow. You need to let things progress gradually and most importantly naturally if you keep putting all these walls up of "yes but if I give you this much I need to see X in return" all you will do is turn this guy off and chase him away. A guy who is interested in a woman will wait but there are limits to how long a guy will stick around to play some sort of twisted game of now you have me now you don't. You are 35 yrs old it's time to believe in yourself a little and trust that if things are meant to be and you are BOTH on the right path you can progress to your ultimate goal together and without having to impose silly waiting games on him. A month or two is enough to start to know if you want the rel to progress beyond the kissing stage.
Author redant Posted December 22, 2008 Author Posted December 22, 2008 I think he knows I like sex we fooled around quite a bit so it's not that. Sex is sex it's good, but I want more than that that is all.
Gremio Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 This is a difficult situation for both sides. I have a friend who is 30, dated a woman was was 31. They dated for about two months, went on around 5-6 dates, and he told me one day she came onto him and said "I couldn't wait anymore". They had sex after that as well, and then all of a sudden she pulled this... "I think we went too fast, let's stop having sex and slow down". He never called her back since then. It's been three months. Now I don't agree with him, and have told him multiple times (actually demanded) he give her closure and at least tell her he ended the relationship. He never did though.
johan Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 I think you're doing the right thing. If it doesn't feel right to do it so soon, then you shouldn't do it. You just need to be prepared for guys bailing out. That doesn't make them jerks.
MN randomguy Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Sounds like a conquest. Can I PM you somehow? I think you'd have an insight into my situation.
Author redant Posted December 22, 2008 Author Posted December 22, 2008 ok I have done alot past the kissing stage. I have slept over with him even. Fooled around past kissing. Anyway it's just that when we see each other it's great but then he wants to get busy mugging down plus everything else so each time I have to stop him because I am not ready to go all the way with him.
Lovelybird Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 No necessary to beat yourself down. How can a fish match a frog? they aren't same type, they don't need same thing. This world is HUGE. There are plenty men who want to develop other connections first than sex. You are right about upset he didn't care. If he didn't care, why do you have sex with him???? it's a lucky escape. I think you made a wise decision. of course you want intimacy, but at right time, with right man, especially when you feel secure with this man, and there is a strong fundation of trust, and friendship. Shut down negative voices, trust your guts. Have faith, good man yet to come
Gremio Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 I think he knows I like sex we fooled around quite a bit so it's not that. Sex is sex it's good, but I want more than that that is all. Does he know you only want a LTR? Is he ready for that?
Tomcat33 Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 ok I have done alot past the kissing stage. I have slept over with him even. Fooled around past kissing. Anyway it's just that when we see each other it's great but then he wants to get busy mugging down plus everything else so each time I have to stop him because I am not ready to go all the way with him. So basically you are doing everything but? Why? Why are you stopping yourself like that? Do you think that by holding out three more months and if you do go all the way that will guarantee you will stay together and marry? NO guarantees my friend. He can walk any time and there goes your marriage plans. Marriage is not a goal, it is a natural progression of love. You can't have that unless you feel you are completely on the same page as your partner. Unless there are religious reasons here, it really doesn't make sense that 35 yr old woman hold out for so long just because she has marriage as a goal. For the record I don't believe in casual sexual hook-ups just in case you think I am some sex advocate or somethine. I do love sex but with a partner, not random men.
MN randomguy Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Does he know you only want a LTR? Is he ready for that? ANother good point. Many women who are open to things other than a LTR say that they aren't. It is the socially acceptable thing to do.
Author redant Posted December 22, 2008 Author Posted December 22, 2008 Thanks Lovelybird. That's what I know and need to hear really. It will happen when it is meant to if it is meant to.
Author redant Posted December 22, 2008 Author Posted December 22, 2008 TomCat I'm just not interested in giving my body to him. I personally don't need the pleasure. I'd rather wait until I feel more comfortable.
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