lofi_tokyo Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 I was just reading an old old thread (sometimes I do that... I just browse this site for ages), and I found someones response to the question: "What message does NC send to the dumper"? I really liked this response! I don't know if this is nessasarily what the dumper things - I'm sure some dumpers don't even think twice about you going NC, while others wonder whats going on, it varies from person to person. Furthermore, I think constantly asking "whats my ex thinking when I do _____" is not really a productive question to ask... but regardless, this little post on NC and what it means is pretty cool. I'd like to think that by going NC, this is what the dumpee is saying! I hope this helps some of you struggling to do the whole NC thing. When I was getting over my ex, I was a complete and utter failure at going NC over 2-3 weeks. Its hard stuff! This hopefully will make you stronger!! These are my thoughts it means youre strong, it means youre not dependant on this person, it means you have a life of your own, and you don't need this person in it. It means that you have to move on, and forget this person. And you will trust me. It means you don't respect the person enough to give them your time. it means your time is too valuable to waste on becoming emotional with your ex it means that out there someone else is better for you, and it's your cue to move on. it means you need to regroup and find yourself again-and to question this person in your life. it means at a whim, you can totally forget about this person BECAUSE YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED BETTER AND WITH RESPECT. it means you have BIGGER AND BETTER THINGS TO DO than talk to this person. NC is all about forward motion, trust me the grass is greener on the other side. Carlthecoffeeaddict
EmperorR Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 I agree, and that's why when you break NC, they most likely think the opposite of everything written in "These are my thoughts" about you.
calculus Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Thanks for the posting. It makes it a bit easier to hold back on the contacting. Just want to add my 2 cents to this... I remember the first time when that "special someone" just stopped communicating with me all of a sudden. It was an on and off again friendship that didn't go anywhere now that I look back at it... Anyway that was the first time I ever felt anything for a girl, but she never reciprocated. Anyway, for the first 2-3 weeks I kept on e-maliing her, leaving her voicemails (it got to the point where there was no more ringing, just straight to voicemail when I dialed). And then after a bit of being depressed and crying my eyes out, I realized, why should I even bother putting all this energy into something that's not being responded to. Then I completely stopped contacting her. Deleted her e-mails, deleted her off of MSN. And Lo and behold she e-mailed me a couple of months later and wanted to be friends again (and she decided not to talk to me again a couple of months later on). I'm not holding out hope for the current break-up I'm going through though. It's almost a start to a brand new year and why think about things in the past.
MWH Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 There was a time, for me, when n/c meant I was indeed "sending a message". Now, though, it really is all about ME. It means that I have had enough. Heard enough. seen enough. it means that it is now time for me. My past relationship was nothing more than me, the rat, running through a maze to get my piece of cheese. Well the maze was constantly rearranged and the cheese was always just a little more More MORE work before I would be blessed with it. In other words I was 100% consumed with caterring to her ever-growing list of wants, needs, desires, and demands. again- liek a rat running on the wheel to nowhere. N/C is ALL about me now. I have my life back. I have my home back. I have my nights and days and mornings back. I'm done living in fear, and I'm most ecrtainly done walking around with a knot in my gut waiting for the next attack from my ex. Just to think about her gives me a very bad feeling inside so the last thing I need is any contact with her. Sorry but I'm not sharing. I've taken my marbles and gone home. N/C is ALL mine and I would not trade it for anything! MWH
Trialbyfire Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 NC is a strange beast. It's handled different ways by different people. Overall, it's necessary but I'm not a proponent for never contacting. If you feel you need some finality, break it. What many find is that the recontact with the ex will be an eye-opener, in that it rips open the wound all over again but you heal much faster because you realize that everything you wished they were thinking and feeling, wasn't true. There are so many breakups where people use excuses. While many people claim it's because they don't want to hurt the other person, it's more guilt and self-serving avoidance of drama. Sometimes when you break NC and recontact, you can get the truth out of them. When this happens, you realize you don't have a choice. It's done and you can move on.
MWH Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 If you feel you need some finality, break it. What many find is that the recontact with the ex will be an eye-opener, in that it rips open the wound all over again but you heal much faster because you realize that everything you wished they were thinking and feeling, wasn't true. There are so many breakups where people use excuses. While many people claim it's because they don't want to hurt the other person, it's more guilt and self-serving avoidance of drama. Sometimes when you break NC and recontact, you can get the truth out of them. When this happens, you realize you don't have a choice. It's done and you can move on. Man oh man you can say THAT again! Any time I have the insane urge to contact my ex I simply read her last few emails to me and I get to relive her denial, blame-shifting, perpetual victimhood, and her attempt to assuage her guilt by spreading blame around. While it indeed DOES reopen some wounds it also heals me in that now that I am back to feeling human again it is as if I see her in a new and clearer light. Her manipulations that, in the past clouded my instincts, are now seen in the light of day and her self-serving words are seen exactly for what they are. I think, at least for myself, that is as close to contact as I wish to go. Anything more than that would only serve to hurt me further and feed her already-overblown ego. MWH
Ingenue Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 I know for me (and only me), I instituted NC because that was the only recourse to action considering the break up. It was supposed to be symbolic of my strength to excise my ex out of my life and focus on myself. Most people advocate a strict NC policy following a break up. I've found though in recent weeks, that the most important thing to consider in implementing NC is thinking about yourself. If NC works for you, do it because it works for you. Don't do it because it's a "rule" or because your friends harangue into doing it. Everything you do with your healing should be for the benefit of you and only you because it is ultimately ourselves that we are attempting to heal. So if you need to contact your ex for that final fall to really get closure, do it. But only you will know what course of action to take. In the beginning NC for me was about my strength. Now, i'm in limited contact with the ex and because I no longer allow him to affect me, being strong isn't measured by the days I'm not in contact with him. Being strong means living my life just as I am, content with who I am.
Trialbyfire Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Absolutely. It's all about you after breakup. What you need. I was chatting with someone a couple of weeks ago about rejection and how it's handled. Each person has a different way. As an example, I externalize first, then internalize, then take a more balanced approach. The externalizing tends to demonize the other individual because it allows me to be angry enough to not contact, thus gain enough strength to be able to handle the internalizing stage. That second stage is key for personal development, whether it requires change or acceptance of foibles. After that, it's a matter of reviewing the scenario over again, accepting responsibility for my end, figuratively forwarding responsibility onto the other person for their end, thus balancing and being able to move on. So, it's a matter of how you process.
EmperorR Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Nc for me allowed me to get my dignity Back. My cheating ex was basically my only friend for the past 3 years, I was treated like garbage manipulated cheated on and finally dumped. Nc opened my eyes to the situation I was in, why would I want someone who cheated on me was always cranky to me and disrespected me at every turn. Why would I want to continue to talk to someone who is poisonous to my well being. Nc has rmoved me from a toxic situation, I got my closure from Nc, I don't need anyone but myself to be happy.
Author lofi_tokyo Posted December 22, 2008 Author Posted December 22, 2008 Nc for me allowed me to get my dignity Back. My cheating ex was basically my only friend for the past 3 years, I was treated like garbage manipulated cheated on and finally dumped. Nc opened my eyes to the situation I was in, why would I want someone who cheated on me was always cranky to me and disrespected me at every turn. Why would I want to continue to talk to someone who is poisonous to my well being. Nc has rmoved me from a toxic situation, I got my closure from Nc, I don't need anyone but myself to be happy. Nc definately opened my eyes. I don't know if it necessarily made me realize how bad my ex was so much as it humbled me. It brought down my ideals of his and I's love as some unstoppable force, and it forced me to realize that people are only human - we fall out of love, we learn to love again, life goes on. I think prior to really committing to NC, I just... was terrified to let go, to believe that our love hit a wall, its not that I wanted him back, but I was scared of saying goodbye to the magic I had created in my head. NC dispelled that illusion, and I'm thankful it happened!
kizik Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 There was a time, for me, when n/c meant I was indeed "sending a message". Now, though, it really is all about ME... N/C is ALL about me now. I have my life back. I have my home back. I have my nights and days and mornings back. I'm done living in fear, and I'm most certainly done walking around with a knot in my gut waiting for the next attack from my ex. Just to think about her gives me a very bad feeling inside so the last thing I need is any contact with her. Sorry but I'm not sharing. I've taken my marbles and gone home. N/C is ALL mine and I would not trade it for anything! MWH Yes, yes, yes yes yes. ...the most important thing to consider in implementing NC is thinking about yourself. ...being strong isn't measured by the days I'm not in contact with him. Being strong means living my life just as I am, content with who I am. Great realization and attitude. While NC may "send a message," to me that is the wrong mentality to have. It's like dating someone and parading them around in front of your ex. Why? To make the ex jealous. As opposed to naturally meeting someone, dating them, and doing it because YOU like the person. You couldn't care less if the ex found out about the new person, because YOU are so caught up in the exciting new moment. It's the same thing with NC. If you're doing it to send a message (not saying you are, or anyone is), then the thinking is a bit "off". The ultimate purpose of NC is to cleanse the soul of the bitter toxins your ex has instilled. Get rid of their remnants, and try to get back to who you were before they corrupted your heart with all their little bullsh*t.
Sands_of_time Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Here here! I've noticed that NC seems to keep me on the "sane" side of life. When my STBXW contacts me it's like taking two steps back and my wound opens up again. I've wanted to tell her to not contact me at all unless it's about bills/divorce but I don't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing the pain I'm dealing with. I am 10X stronger when there is no contact. If it's right you'll know it in your heart to go NC. Doesn't work for everyone but there is strength there.
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