Logan768 Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 First, sorry for the long post but I wanted to have enough detail in there. Thanks in advance for any advice you can offer Ok, well, I am 35 and my wife is also 35. We have been married for almost 5 years and together for 6 (not including the last 5 months apart). We dont have any kids, and other than our marriage very few ties to each other. Well, back in July she told me in a pretty brutal way that she had met someone else and wanted to be with him, and wanted a divorce. We argued and I hoped that she wasn't serious as we had had a couple arguments before where she had asked for a divorce, and then quickly (minutes) recanted. This time she stood firm, so i left for the night and stayed with a friend. I went back the next day and she told me i either move out or she does, and that she wants a divorce immediately and basically nothing more to do with me. So, I found my own place and moved out within a couple of weeks. In that time i asked her to reconsider a couple of times but she wasn't interested. I have been alone for 5 months now. I never called her after the initial break-up and never saw her. She would ocassionally call me and ask how i was, but i made myself leave her alone and was doing a real good job at getting over this, even though she is the love of my life. Well, the past few weeks she has been emailing me, asking how i was, and we have spoken on the phone on a couple of occasions for 2+ hours at a time while she is at work. She is now living with this guy, who is 10yrs younger than us. She says they have had issues since the start, and that she hasn't made it easy for him. She has also said that she still loves me, misses me, and that she has been a mess for months. We met up a couple of days ago, had lunch and she came to my new place for the first time. She cried several times in the 5 or so hours we were together, we hugged and held hands, she apologized over and over again, told me she still loves me, doesn't know whats gonna happen with this guy, wishes she never met him and that she could turn the clock back and basically everything but asking for us to try again. She has not seen a lawyer or filed papers yet, even though she wanted it done asap in the beginning. I haven't asked her back, and basically told her i never will. It has to be her that does it. I told her that i still love her, and miss her. But, she is still with this guy, says she loves him too, i havent really asked her much about him and really dont want to know. She's says she doesn't know what to do, can't sleep and is always depressed and crying. So what do i do? I wasn't sure how I would feel when I saw her, but I do still love her and want to try again....
Joker77 Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 First, sorry for the long post but I wanted to have enough detail in there. Thanks in advance for any advice you can offer Ok, well, I am 35 and my wife is also 35. We have been married for almost 5 years and together for 6 (not including the last 5 months apart). We dont have any kids, and other than our marriage very few ties to each other. Well, back in July she told me in a pretty brutal way that she had met someone else and wanted to be with him, and wanted a divorce. We argued and I hoped that she wasn't serious as we had had a couple arguments before where she had asked for a divorce, and then quickly (minutes) recanted. This time she stood firm, so i left for the night and stayed with a friend. I went back the next day and she told me i either move out or she does, and that she wants a divorce immediately and basically nothing more to do with me. So, I found my own place and moved out within a couple of weeks. In that time i asked her to reconsider a couple of times but she wasn't interested. I have been alone for 5 months now. I never called her after the initial break-up and never saw her. She would ocassionally call me and ask how i was, but i made myself leave her alone and was doing a real good job at getting over this, even though she is the love of my life. Well, the past few weeks she has been emailing me, asking how i was, and we have spoken on the phone on a couple of occasions for 2+ hours at a time while she is at work. She is now living with this guy, who is 10yrs younger than us. She says they have had issues since the start, and that she hasn't made it easy for him. She has also said that she still loves me, misses me, and that she has been a mess for months. We met up a couple of days ago, had lunch and she came to my new place for the first time. She cried several times in the 5 or so hours we were together, we hugged and held hands, she apologized over and over again, told me she still loves me, doesn't know whats gonna happen with this guy, wishes she never met him and that she could turn the clock back and basically everything but asking for us to try again. She has not seen a lawyer or filed papers yet, even though she wanted it done asap in the beginning. I haven't asked her back, and basically told her i never will. It has to be her that does it. I told her that i still love her, and miss her. But, she is still with this guy, says she loves him too, i havent really asked her much about him and really dont want to know. She's says she doesn't know what to do, can't sleep and is always depressed and crying. So what do i do? I wasn't sure how I would feel when I saw her, but I do still love her and want to try again.... Wow. I wish you all the best on that situation. With the guy being 25, I don't see that working out at all.
BikerBeagle Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 I certainly does sound like she's already having doubts about this new relationship of hers. The problem for you is, when she dumps him and comes running back to you, as she most certainly will ...will you really be ok with that? She's chosen another guy over you, plain and simple. What's going to keep her from doing it again? Nothing. I realize you love her, but stop being her doormat/fall-back guy ...that's why she hasn't filed yet, that's why she is stringing you along with sweet talk. Frankly, you should file for the divorce yourself ...don't ever live any part of your life knowing that you are 2nd choice. Let me repeat, she chose another guy over you. I'd let her choke and die on that choice. You deserve better.
CaliGuy Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 I have to concur with BikerBeagle. There are many questions you should be asking yourself and her. Honestly if I was married to her and she did this to me, I would have already filed the divorce papers. She's been sleeping with another man. The MAJOR red flag here for me is simply this: She never came to you to work things out, to tell you what was wrong and that she wasn't happy. Instead of COMMUNICATING to you that there were some major problems, she instead not only confided in another man -- but started sleeping with him. While you are married. My friend, divorce sucks. God hates it so much that there are only two situations that he will allow divorce. One is death and the other is infidelity. You have EVERY right to seek a divorce and find someone else better for you. As Biker said earlier, she did this once, she can do it again. Don't you deserve better? I think you do. Don't be her doormat. Read two very good books for you. The first is "Love Must Be Tough" (Dobson) and the second is "No More Mr Nice Guy (Glover). I highly suggest before you try to repair anything with your wife that you get informed and both of these books will arm you with the right frame of mind to make the RIGHT decisions for YOU. Cheers
Weezy Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 Seriously, I know it hurts like hell to hear it. But you need to run for the hills. The relationship is damaged beyond repair at this point. Your just gonna keep getting your heart ripped out. Tell her it's over, file for the divorce yourself, and go find another lady. Your on the pain train and you need to get off at the next stop!
EmperorR Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 Run run run, actions speak louder than words. My cheating ex said she loved me evn though she was cheating on me and with someone new. Her words may say that she loves you but her actions don't.
Author Logan768 Posted December 25, 2008 Author Posted December 25, 2008 Thanks for the advice. I really do appreciate it and it echoes what im thinking right now. She went home to her new bf on tuesday and told him she wanted him to leave, and give her some space. He refused to go and now she's living in limbo, still miserable at her situation. I told her that she needs to make a decision quick or else im gone, but i think my head has already left. I still love her and care what happens to her but the longer this goes on and the more i think about how she has treated me these past few months i get more and more angry. I also get stronger the longer this goes on, which is a good thing. I just cant believe how miserable she is, and yet is doing nothing to change it. She was never the type to put on an act, so im pretty sure she is as depressed as she says. I have more or less decided nothing will happen with her, just trying to decide now if i should have no contact with her whatsoever, or try to remain friends. The latter would be tough, considering my feelings, but im curious as to how this situation plays out.
paperchase Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 You have got to stop worrying about how she feels. After all she's done, you still care. Of course you do, but don't let her know. After all she's done, she's still undecided. That's got to weigh heavily on you. Don't do it to yourself. All of your energy should be directed at moving on.
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