350z_guy Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 Ive been in an exclusive relationship with a girl for 4-5 months now. We see each another a couple times a week due to distance issues, but aside from that small hiccup everything is really great. Physically we are very close, we are very intimate,tons of PDA's. hand holding, cuddling etc and when im with her there is absolutely no doubt that i feel cared for. However, its when were apart that issues with emotional intimacy become evident. She's never once said that she misses me unsolicited, never offers or returns compliments, and basically never says anything professing her feelings twords me in any way shape or form. In that respect our relationship is more like a friends with benefits than a committed one. Hell ive had deeper emotional connections with FWB's than i have in this relationship. but, as i said above, when were together i genuinely do feel cared for, and whether or not she shares it verbally, i "do" feel strongly for her and i think the feeling is mutual. As a result its getting sort of emotionally draining to always be the one giving compliments and professing my feelings and to never recieve any in return. i just feel like im going on empty and im genuinely hesitant to further express my developing feelings for out of fear that they wont be returned.. So im curious if anyone here has any coping strategies they might share for dealing with partners in committed relationships who are otherwise fantastic lovers and partners but whom are seemingly emotionally unavailable?
portcitykitty Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 OMG, I'm going through the exact same thing with my bf. I feel the same exact way you do, and I'm just as emotionally drained. It seemed at the beginning he was pretty in touch with his feelings, like he first initiated the I-miss-you's, and some other things, but it also seemed like once I started opening up and expressing my feelings, he slowed down on the emotional part. I didn't even go overboard with them, just a little sump'n-sump'n here and there. It seems more physical nowadays, or maybe it's all in my head, I dunno. But like in your case, when we're together, I do feel cared for. He seems to express his feelings more physically than emotionally, maybe it's easier for him to do it that way, I dunno. But I get confused because he's great at talking and expressing other things, very direct and gets to the details; maybe when it comes to the more intimate subjects, he clams up? Or maybe he's a firm believer in actions speak louder than words? But I do feel like I'm the more emotionally available one (what little I do express cuz I'm pretty shy and reserved). I'm curious to know of some coping strategies as well!
Posco_Proudfoot Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 My first thought is : Have you told her how you feel? Some people don't realize it.
Gremio Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 To both of you: either your partner is just not that into you or their are emotionally immature. 350z, it could very well be her hormones that make her, and you feel this way. Oxytocin, dopamine, and phenythylamine are the chemicals that give you the feeling of love. You state that you feel this when you are together, but not apart. Well, she may be dependant on those chemicals, but when she is away, she loses that "click" with you.
portcitykitty Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 Here's an afterthought I forgot to mention...the main issue with my bf is that I think he's still got his guard up and is afraid to get too emotionally involved because he's told me about his past relationships and how bad he got burned. He's probably got the fear in the back of his mind that I might turn out like those other girls. It's understandable. I just wish he'd trust me and believe me that I'm nothing like them, from what he's told me.
portcitykitty Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 To both of you: either your partner is just not that into you or their are emotionally immature. 350z, it could very well be her hormones that make her, and you feel this way. Oxytocin, dopamine, and phenythylamine are the chemicals that give you the feeling of love. You state that you feel this when you are together, but not apart. Well, she may be dependant on those chemicals, but when she is away, she loses that "click" with you. I'm not knockin' what you wrote, but I know that he's definitely into me, no doubt about it! And I'd say he's more emotionally scarred, or emotionally guarded.
Trialbyfire Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 350z, inability to express or insensitivity to partner, doesn't necessarily equate to having issues with emotional intimacy. Have you discussed this with her yet? She can't give you what she doesn't know you want. If she's unwilling or unable to give you what you need after discussion, then yes, she probably does have emotional intimacy issues.
xjadex Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 Here's an afterthought I forgot to mention...the main issue with my bf is that I think he's still got his guard up and is afraid to get too emotionally involved because he's told me about his past relationships and how bad he got burned. He's probably got the fear in the back of his mind that I might turn out like those other girls. It's understandable. I just wish he'd trust me and believe me that I'm nothing like them, from what he's told me. Could be very true. I'm a little the same. When I'm with someone and physically, I have no problem showing love whatsoever, but expressing it verbally and from a distance, I have difficulty with....and it's because I've been burned many times and I keep that guard up. I want to let my guard down and get close...I just can't. But physically and when in their presence, there is no problem....kinda odd eh? lol
Ronni_W Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 Physically we are very close, we are very intimate,tons of PDA's. hand holding, cuddling etc and when im with her there is absolutely no doubt that i feel cared for. I'm interpreting that her in-person communications (verbal and non-) are open, honest and intimate. If so, then she does NOT have emotional intimacy problems, nor is she emotionally unavailable to you. Which, obviously, puts things back on you...it is actually your pursuit of satisfying your own insecurities that is exhausting you . That is, YOUR need for reassurance that you are missed, YOUR need for reassurance that you are admired (or whatever you need her to compliment you about), YOUR need for constant "proof" of her feelings for you. Chasing after that all the time can definitely be exhausting and depleting. One alternative is to just accept her for exactly who she is -- which includes being someone who obviously feels much more comfortable revealing her 'deeper' self in person. (There is so no reason to turn that into HER emotional problem.) Put another way: Focus on finding ways to overcome your insecurities and "validate" yourself so that your neediness doesn't end up suffocating her...and killing your relationship.
portcitykitty Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 Could be very true. I'm a little the same. When I'm with someone and physically, I have no problem showing love whatsoever, but expressing it verbally and from a distance, I have difficulty with....and it's because I've been burned many times and I keep that guard up. I want to let my guard down and get close...I just can't. But physically and when in their presence, there is no problem....kinda odd eh? lol Well, I wouldn't necessarily say it's odd. I'll admit though, I think I might be a tad guilty at being emotionally unavailable, to an extent. I'm not good at expressing my thoughts and feelings, for fear of being rejected, or not being reciprocated. I do try though, and sometimes I can get a little something out. I get soooooooooooo nervous! I have in my mind for days what I'm going to say/do to him, and when the time comes, I close up in my shell! Like with what Gremio said, maybe I'm emotionally immature!
xjadex Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Well, I wouldn't necessarily say it's odd. I'll admit though, I think I might be a tad guilty at being emotionally unavailable, to an extent. I'm not good at expressing my thoughts and feelings, for fear of being rejected, or not being reciprocated. I do try though, and sometimes I can get a little something out. I get soooooooooooo nervous! I have in my mind for days what I'm going to say/do to him, and when the time comes, I close up in my shell! Like with what Gremio said, maybe I'm emotionally immature! I can relate. Think part of it with me also, is that I have to be 100% sure that a guy feels same way about me and before I will fully open up to him and allow myself to get close. If I am unsure of them, yet they speak words of affection, I totally clam up and tend to change the subject I find it real hard to trust, again that is because I've been burned and many times. Some guy could beat me black and blue with 'I love you', send me flowers every day and I'd still have doubts as to whether he was being genuine. I need and I seek constant assurance of his love, all of the time. Even by stooping to never calling him....I wait to see if he calls me and how often. And due to this behaviour, I then have the guy in doubt, as to how I'm feeling about him??? lol
portcitykitty Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 I can relate. Think part of it with me also, is that I have to be 100% sure that a guy feels same way about me and before I will fully open up to him and allow myself to get close. If I am unsure of them, yet they speak words of affection, I totally clam up and tend to change the subject I find it real hard to trust, again that is because I've been burned and many times. Some guy could beat me black and blue with 'I love you', send me flowers every day and I'd still have doubts as to whether he was being genuine. I need and I seek constant assurance of his love, all of the time. Even by stooping to never calling him....I wait to see if he calls me and how often. And due to this behaviour, I then have the guy in doubt, as to how I'm feeling about him??? lol Yep, same here! I'm just a big ball of insecurity, cuz this guy is the 2nd serious relationship I've had, and it's all still new to me! I was burned by the last guy BIG TIME, and you'd think I'd have a problem with trying to get close with this guy...I found out that the other guy was married the entire time I was seeing him, which was about 4 years! How I found out was that his wife called me up, found one of his many phones, and told me she was his wife and they'd been married 21 years, have 5 kids together...she was nice, but kind of a shock! When I started getting to know the current guy, I had that fear in the back of my head the whole time "what if he's married too?" But, I dunno, something about this guy seems different. I trust him a lot more, although deep down I'm still a little insecure and unsure about how he really feels about me cuz we never talk much about that kind of stuff. We pretty much go by our actions. There's so much chemistry between us that we choose not to talk, and fool around instead! It's also confusing because he's gotten onto me before for not communicating enough. He hates that I keep things bottled up inside, especially for so long without confronting him about it, because I HATE CONFRONTATION!!!! And he's good about sensing that something's wrong, I guess my tone will give it away, even though I try to blow it off and act like nothing's wrong! He's fine at wanting to work through problems and stuff like that, but when it comes to expressing deep intimate feelings and emotions, he doesn't seem to be too open about that sorta thing...go figure!
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