burningashes Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 Hi, I've been a lurker for a while here and decided to post here. Cliff notes: I was in a relationship with a guy on/off for 3 years after he broke up with me (prior to break up, ltr was 7 years). We kept coming back to each other and I was the one who hoped for so long that he would finally commit. I wouldn't tell him how I was feeling out of fear that if I said something, he would get scared and leave. The last few months just made everything come to head. I started talking to him how I wanted to be invited to family events and things like that, it was an issue for me, but I wasn't pushing it, because again, I was scared. He also told me a while ago how he had a friend who he thought liked him, and wasn't sure how to tell her that he was seeing me. I told him to just tell her, since they were only friends, right? I felt that I should not have to tell my guy to tell someone else that he's not available. I tolerated this for a couple of months, it became a deal breaker for me in the end and this caused me to snap and lose it on him, a couple months ago. I became friends with a guy who had just moved to my city, and we got close. I was upfront with him that I was in a relationship, etc, and all was good. I started confiding in him and some of my friends how I wasn't happy, that I wanted to break up with my stbx. I really didn't know what to do, I really felt like my stbx was taking me for granted with continuing a half relationship with me. One night, I asked my stbx to come over for dinner, etc, and he said he didn't feel like driving to my house, and I told him to forget it. I called my guy friend up and asked him what he was doing, and we ended up hanging out at his house. We both got drunk and we made out. This just cemented my decision to break up with my stbx, because I crossed the line. I knew I couldn't go back- I couldn't tell my stbx either. I broke up with him right after it happened. I lost it on my ex, saying that I was tired of the half assed relationship I was in with him and that he was taking me for granted. He asked me for one more month and I refused, reasoning that he was only asking for more time to finally commit because I was finally leaving. I started seeing the guy friend, shortly after, and we have been taking it slow. I really like him, he's been really awesome. My ex came to talk to me yesterday, how he missed me and saw that he really was taking me for granted. He asked me if I saw a future with him, that I could see myself marrying him and so on. I told him that I always have, but now that we've broken up, that I feel that we should go our seperate ways for a while. I'm going to tell him that I'm seeing someone after christmas if he persists. Am I doing the right thing in leaving my ex and seeing what's out there? I told him how could we possibly know if we're right for each other if we've never really dated other people? He wants to marry me, but why now, that I've finally left? He says that he doesn't understand WHY I broke up with him- I don't understand it all entirely either, I just don't have it in me to try fixing things with my ex and think that we need to be on our own for a while. I'll be 25 soon, while my ex will be 25. I've been in a few short term relationships during our off period, although they don't really count, because they were so short, it's the same for the ex. Am I right in doing this? I'm also afraid that I'm getting into a rebound relationship with the other guy since I did break up with my ex and started seeing him. I don't know what's going to happen in the future, I'm okay if I end up single in the end. I'm dealing with some guilt and I'm not sure how to resolve this. Any insight would be appreciated..
Ronni_W Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 Sounds like you broke up with him cos you just got exhausted and depleted by his waffling; and fed-up with being a "kind of" part of his life and him excluding you from certain aspects of it. IMO, after 3 (or 7?) years, it is a given that one is invited to the other's family events. His new "interest" (and a pre-proposal!) could be nothing more than him trying to control/manipulate the situation back to where it was -- it was good for him, and not so affirming for you. My own "rebound" relationship has lasted 10 years...and happily counting. I didn't expect this result, obviously -- I got into it cos it made me feel good and happy, which were things I desperately wanted/needed to feel at that time.
lofi_tokyo Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 I think breaking up with the guy is a solid decision. My ex treated me EXACTLY how your ex did - your story was like reading my own, and I too was too frightened to say anything. I got sick of being with the guy, but just kept holding on for a change, and plus, I didn't want to hurt him by breaking up. So what did I do? I lingered in the relationship until he left me for someone else! It hurt like hell, let me tell you, but it came as no surprise I suppose, since he treated me like a half-girlfriend. Anyways, my point is, leaving that guy behind is a great choice. You had the pride and strength to do what I could not, and no doubt it has saved you from a lot of hurt in the long run, and taught your ex to treat girlfriends with a bit more respect. As for dating a new guy? I'm a bit skeptical on that one. He may be what gave you strength to end things, which isnt necessarily bad, but I suspect you're rebounding nonetheless. Sometimes thats good - your ex treated you badly, why not enjoy having a man who treats you well? Just make sure to keep yourself in check with were you stand with your new man, and things could work out well with the new guy (like Ronni seems to have experienced).
EmperorR Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 I think breaking up with the guy is a solid decision. My ex treated me EXACTLY how your ex did - your story was like reading my own, and I too was too frightened to say anything. I got sick of being with the guy, but just kept holding on for a change, and plus, I didn't want to hurt him by breaking up. So what did I do? I lingered in the relationship until he left me for someone else! It hurt like hell, let me tell you, but it came as no surprise I suppose, since he treated me like a half-girlfriend. My ex was the same, at one point I was going to break up with her, she cut her wrists and me like a idiot changed my mind, in the end I got cheated on and dumped, just like you.
Author burningashes Posted December 22, 2008 Author Posted December 22, 2008 Hi guys, thanks for your replies, they are very insightful. This guy was basically my first everything's- we met very young at 15 and 16. Anyways, my point is, leaving that guy behind is a great choice. You had the pride and strength to do what I could not, and no doubt it has saved you from a lot of hurt in the long run, and taught your ex to treat girlfriends with a bit more respect. As for dating a new guy? I'm a bit skeptical on that one. He may be what gave you strength to end things, which isnt necessarily bad, but I suspect you're rebounding nonetheless. Sometimes thats good - your ex treated you badly, why not enjoy having a man who treats you well? Just make sure to keep yourself in check with were you stand with your new man, and things could work out well with the new guy (like Ronni seems to have experienced). Thanks. I would hope my ex learned something out of it, I hope he never does that to anyone else again, I would not wish this for anyone. You're right, he did give me the strength to end things- it was the fact I crossed the line and cheated on my ex by making out with the friend that cemented my decision to break up with my ex. I have been keeping myself in check not to place high expectations or hopes, but so far, it's been a month and a half with this guy. We had a discussion of how even tho we weren't exclusive yet, that we would not see other people while we were seeing each other. I feel good about that, and I trust him that we'll take our time and see how things turn out Sounds like you broke up with him cos you just got exhausted and depleted by his waffling; and fed-up with being a "kind of" part of his life and him excluding you from certain aspects of it. IMO, after 3 (or 7?) years, it is a given that one is invited to the other's family events. His new "interest" (and a pre-proposal!) could be nothing more than him trying to control/manipulate the situation back to where it was -- it was good for him, and not so affirming for you. My own "rebound" relationship has lasted 10 years...and happily counting. I didn't expect this result, obviously -- I got into it cos it made me feel good and happy, which were things I desperately wanted/needed to feel at that time. I was exhausted. He would "leave" for a few days at a time whenever he got scared, claiming he didn't know whether he loved me or not, etc. I tolerated this for so long because I loved him and wanted to be with him in any way I could. Like yourself, I'm not going to stop myself from seeing where this "rebound" relationship goes because I feel good and happy about it. Thanks everyone! I feel a lot better now. I don't think I should feel guilty for this at all. I have no obligations to my ex now and that's the end of it.
againstallodds Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 My ex was the same, at one point I was going to break up with her, she cut her wrists and me like a idiot changed my mind, in the end I got cheated on and dumped, just like you. My ex try to cut her wrist too but I stopped her. Everytime we have problem she cry her way out of it and I have to give in. I got dumped too like you lol.
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