Nearly 2 mths NC - too late?

[howzat]

Hi

 

Without going into the b/ground (its a bit drawn out and I can provide details later if it makes any diffrence), its been over 7 weeks since I've seen my ex gf (age 31). Its been about 5 since we had our last minimalist sms contact (initiated by me). I ended up sending her an sms saying I wouldn't bother her anymore! I have not tried to contact her at all in that time, but I would like to get back with her. She was the one that broke up with me. As far as I know she's not seeing anyone else.

 

Should I be maintaining NC? I've heard 1 mth is a good time to wait, but I feel that I want her to contact me, not the other way around. I will wait longer, but not sure if this is the best thing for me to do in the circs.

 

Thoughts anyone?

[Ronni_W]

Yes, maintain NC. She broke up with you. If she wanted to get back, she most likely would have been in some kinda touch in the past 5 weeks.

 

It sucks, especially at the Holidays, but that is life, sometimes. Hugs.

[kakui215]

You haven't given much info, so I hate to say this, but based on the bit you say, it doesn't sound at all promising. Since she initiated the break, you have probably felt totally rejected, probably unworthy. Since she hasn't contacted you, you probably feel that way even more so. I think you need to move on with your life and not draw out the agony.

 

If you contact her, chances are that you won't like what she says, and you'll feel even lower than you do now. That might not seem possible at the moment, but you will. Take it from one who has made all the mistakes at one time or another (some of them repeatedly), you need to protect yourself now.

[howzat]

I'm inclined to maintain NC for 3 mths for last contact and see what happens, if she contacts me or not. I know she is going away for a few days over xmas with some friends. I am going away also. 3 mths will come around later in Jan.

 

We've been together 4 years, that's including 2008 and as I said she 'officially' broke up with me in Dec 2007. The main reason she broke up with me is that I lied to her about some important aspects of my past, which seems stupid now, but she beleives shows immaturity. Big trust issue. I agree with her and acknowledge that I caused this. She also places a lot of importance on financial stability and I have not been a saver, even though I have a good professional job now.

 

Since she broke up with me she has said that she does not love me anymore and would never have kids with me. I know she really would like to have a child and we were at the stage of talking about it and marriage before it all went haywire. She has dated a few times but not had any other bf.

 

Despite how bad this sounds, I do really love her and know she would miss me. We were a big part of each others life. I must admit I was crowding her a bit this year and should have given her more space, but that is easier said than done when I am still in love with her and she was encouraging my presence, until she suddenly cut it off (took cover maybe). Yes I do feel worthless, and hurting now.

 

I have friends that have got back together after months apart, and know of other such situations. I am really hoping that things might work out for us if I give her some space. I know all advice on LS is hope is bad - but I am not repared to lose hope yet. I realise I am having trouble acepting its over, prob for good. She had previously said that if I had given her some space earlier, prior to the breakup, then it could have worked out. I'm hoping beter late than never. To clarify that, my dishonesty was exposed in early 2007, some 11 mths b4 official bu.

 

A few things on the positive side are she has continued (up until late Oct) to have contact with me and slepp wth me for most of this yr after we 'broke up', we do get along very well and are into the same things like movies / music etc, have great sex, have pets together, she likes my family, I am fairly certain she has not met anyone else, and I still love her (if that counts).

 

So are u able to give me anymore advice based on all this? What do u think of letting it go for 3 mths then reassessing? Maybe she'll contact me in that time

[Ronni_W]

What do u think of letting it go for 3 mths then reassessing?

Given your current thoughts, goals and desires that would be the wisest thing for you to do. And really, all you can do...so it works out well for you, both ways!

 

During the 3 months, I would also suggest for you to get out and about, do some personal development work, focus on your health, career, friends, family, etc. That way, you'll be refreshed and rejuvenated when your 3-month deadline rolls around.

[Joker77]

Stay NC. My ex broke up with me three weeks ago. The first few days absolutely were hell. I caved and texted her a week later and she replied. I went back to NC. She texted me birthday wishes last night and I replied with "thanks" and that was all. I don't know if she had anything to do with it, but her sister texted me as well to wish me happy bday and to see who I was with as well. Totally not like her sister to ask that. Anyways, I miss her but I know that she broke up with me. I'm not going to beg someone to come back who left me. If she wants me, the ball is in her court. If not, then it wasn't meant to be and I'll just continue to improve on myself.

[howzat]

Hey thanks all for your posts. I appreciate the reassurance that I shouldn't go contacting her, which I won't do even at xmas (was previously thinking of texting her merry xmas or something). Also glad I haven't been reading "give it up man -she's over you, it'll never happen". I sure do love her and think she is the most amazing person, so can't turn my back on this completely yet.

 

Ronni W what u say about "working out well both ways" reminds me also of this qoute too by Oscar51 on 20 Dec on another thread, which I like: "See either 2 things will come out of NC. They'll come back or you'll heal and find someone new. Both of those are good things. Its the ONLY option you have."

 

That's how I feel. I may contact her eventually after at least 3 mths, but I feel that she will get in touch, its just a matter of when, and what she will have to say when she does. If this NC is doing any good for us being together, then I don't want to have to restart the process by contacting her.

 

Nc has been valuable for me and I have been concentrating on my health and fitness, as well as some study I am doing and my career, and other friends. Hey Roni W what do u mean by personal development, any suggestions as I will have a bit more time on my hands in the new year.

 

Joker 77 its certainly a good sign your ex and her sister contacted u, but I like yr attitude.

[Joker77]

Hey thanks all for your posts. I appreciate the reassurance that I shouldn't go contacting her, which I won't do even at xmas (was previously thinking of texting her merry xmas or something). Also glad I haven't been reading "give it up man -she's over you, it'll never happen". I sure do love her and think she is the most amazing person, so can't turn my back on this completely yet.

 

Ronni W what u say about "working out well both ways" reminds me also of this qoute too by Oscar51 on 20 Dec on another thread, which I like: "See either 2 things will come out of NC. They'll come back or you'll heal and find someone new. Both of those are good things. Its the ONLY option you have."

 

That's how I feel. I may contact her eventually after at least 3 mths, but I feel that she will get in touch, its just a matter of when, and what she will have to say when she does. If this NC is doing any good for us being together, then I don't want to have to restart the process by contacting her.

 

Nc has been valuable for me and I have been concentrating on my health and fitness, as well as some study I am doing and my career, and other friends. Hey Roni W what do u mean by personal development, any suggestions as I will have a bit more time on my hands in the new year.

 

Joker 77 its certainly a good sign your ex and her sister contacted u, but I like yr attitude.

 

Howzat,

 

I really don't know if it is a good sign or not. Her sister and I get along, but I think my ex might have texted me so she wouldn't feel guilty if she hadn't. Who knows. I hope that isn't the case. The thing that sucks is I've had so many people tell me that I shouldn't even consider a second time around with her if she decides that she wants to try again. Unfortunately, my heart is telling me otherwise and I don't know why.

[Ronni_W]

Hey Roni W what do u mean by personal development, any suggestions

Generally upgrading current life skills, or learning new ones. Could be in the areas of:

 

Relationships -- http://www.coping.org/relations/content.htm

Effective Communication/Listening -- http://www.coping.org/dialogue/content.htm

Personal Growth -- http://www.coping.org/growth/content.htm

Emotional Intelligence -- http://eqi.org/eqe96_1.htm

Tool to Stop Negative Thoughts -- http://www.richbits.com/RBArchives/45sRB_powerpause.htm

 

Anything along those lines. All above are good...and free!

Good luck and have fun with it .

[howzat]

Hey Joker 77, I don't know the background of yr story, but even if its not a good sign that she contacted you, at least it can't be a bad sign. She probably put her sister up to asking who yr with, as that doesn't sound like something a sister would normally ask. You seem to bring a mature attitude to your situation though and prob won't make the mistake I did of not giving my ex space, and I think this must have resulted in her feeling smothered, hence we are back to nc. While you can listen to the advice of others u should listen to your heart as well mate - just try not to let yourself get trodden on.

 

BTW my ex broke an earlier period of nc by texting me on my b'day, I texted her back but she was non-responsive. Nevertheless, within a few weeks and after some sms and ph calls we were hanging out all the time again, up until this current break happened in late Oct. I do feel like I set myself up for a dissapointment by rushing staright back in there. I mean, she always maintained that she didn't love me anymore, even though we were close, sleeping together most nights etc.

 

Ronni W thanks for those links, looks interesting and I will look in more detail once I get bk from my 10 days at the beach for xmas.

 

(I have written the following paragraphs to help with my thought process - warning, u may find it longwinded and boring!)

 

It was kind of weird the way she did it this time. Late Oct, we saw each other on thurs, nothing unusual as we'd been together most of the time since July. I called her on fri and she'd been at after work drinks and was a bit drunk, she kind of suggested that I come over but I didn't as I had been drinking also. Then on sat i called her agn to see if she wanted to do anything that night. I had forgotten she had a gf's party on, she seemd a bit distant though. I was then out of town for a few days and emailed her the following thurs. She replied saying that she had wondered why I hadn't called her but thought it was best if I didn't contact her. I sent a reply but she did not respond to that.

 

Anyway, I know that her friend from interstate came down t5he next day for the weekend, and I think her sister too also from interstate. She prob didn't even tell them that she had been hanging out with me, as she did keep this a secret from her friends throughout this year. She would have been playing up the single girl thing and they would have been supporting her singledom.

 

I sent her an sms the following tues asking if she was ok, and I got a reply stating simply "yes very ok". I then tried to call her and got no answer and sent an sms saying that I assume she had met someone and that I would not bother her anymore. What else was I to make of that msg from her? I have since heard from reliable sources that she has not been seeing anyone else. Either she wanted me to think that or was just having a good time with friend and sis. I haven't heard from her since. I esp feel like I shouldn't break nc cos I said I wouldn't bother her anymore.

 

I think she thought it was easier to do this than to have a conversation with me about the ins and outs of it, but it has left me really in the lurch. I feel like she owes me some kind of explanation, or although I presume to know what happened, I would like to hear it from her. For this reason even if we are done and dusted, I feel that she will eventually call to chat.

[Ronni_W]

(Warning: You may not like what you're gonna read .)

 

In reality, she does not "owe" you any explanations.

I get that you'd like to have one and you believe that she owes you one...but that does not mean your belief is accurate, or that she shares your belief, or that she is obligated to satisfy your desire/preference for an explanation.

 

Thing is, you guys have been officially broken up for a year. Then she dicked around with you for another 10 or 11 months -- your 'tell' shoulda been that she was keeping her booty calls with you a secret from her "real life". And she has maintained, since the official break-up a year ago, that she does not love you anymore.

 

Who knows why she continued to have sex with you? Many reasons including but not limited to: you're good in bed, there wasn't anyone else she was into enough to start a sex thing, she knows you don't have cooties, she was keeping you on the back burner/she wasn't sure if she was really done with you.

 

Another interpretation of this more recent distancing herself from you is that it is just her final letting go...she has been recovering on her own for the whole of 2008, and now she is 100% ready to move forward on her own (even though, yeah, she was also using you for sex and companionship during her recovery period.)

 

She may text you "Happy Holidays & New Year" but, given that she also sent you b/day wishes that don't appear to have meant anything significant to her, that'll just be her doing what she believes is the "nice/right" thing.

 

 

For all above reasons, your decision to keep N/C for at least 3 more months is the wisest thing for you to do. And when that date rolls around and you feel like you want another 3 months...listen to your own gut cos it is giving you sound advice -- it knows what is best for you, which is a really excellent thing!

[Joker77]

Ronni is absolutely correct on this. Three weeks ago, I felt I was owed an explanation as to why the relationship ended. I will never get an explanation and it's nothing but a waste of your time and energy trying to get one. I could care less about it now. The ball is her court now. I am not going to crawl on my hands and knees begging for her to come back. I did everything humanly possible for her and her daughter. I refuse to be someone's doormat and I refuse to grovel for someone that doesn't want to be with me right now. That's the way you need to look at it. Have pride for yourself.

[howzat]

Thanks again for your replies.

In reality, she does not "owe" you any explanations.

I get that you'd like to have one and you believe that she owes you one...but that does not mean your belief is accurate, or that she shares your belief, or that she is obligated to satisfy your desire/preference for an explanation.

 

Toatally agree. I had to check to see whether I'd actually said "owe", but I did of course. I actualy don't beleive she owes me anything, it is just that I'd love to hear from her, specifically that she misses me and would like to see me again, and more (wishful thinnking!). I know why we broke up, that's what matters.

 

I know that I shouldn't blame ourselves for the break up, but I do, and not without cause. In this case it really was my fault.

 

Thing is, you guys have been officially broken up for a year. Then she dicked around with you for another 10 or 11 months -- your 'tell' shoulda been that she was keeping her booty calls with you a secret from her "real life". And she has maintained, since the official break-up a year ago, that she does not love you anymore.

.

 

Yep, and I reckon she thought to herself that she didn't want to still be in that situation 1 yr after we actually broke up last Dec. I have to respect her for just telling it like it was.

 

Another interpretation of this more recent distancing herself from you is that it is just her final letting go...she has been recovering on her own for the whole of 2008, and now she is 100% ready to move forward on her own (even though, yeah, she was also using you for sex and companionship during her recovery period.)

 

That is really the most likely / logical / only explanation. But maybe it takes a final letting go b4 we can actually enter a new relationship together, afresh. I tell you if I ever have another chance I will try my hardest to do everything right next time, knowing what its like (for the last year) to be without her love.

 

She may text you "Happy Holidays & New Year"

 

I doubt it.

 

your decision to keep N/C for at least 3 more months is the wisest thing for you to do. And when that date rolls around and you feel like you want another 3 months

 

Gee! 3 mths more, seems like forever, I was planning 3 mths from late Oct. But when it gets to then I will prob think well its already been 3, what's a bit more.

 

listen to your own gut cos it is giving you sound advice -- it knows what is best for you, which is a really excellent thing!

 

In one way maybe yeah, but I have a severe case of oneitis for her and want to be with her only for good, I'm not interested in anyone else, so my gut is really not telling me the best thing probably.