What do you do when you realize that you married the wrong person

[TeagueNative]

Hello. In April, I will have been married to my wife for 16 years. She was the first woman that I had had a serious relationship with. I was never really physically attracted to her and tried to break off the relationship. But, after sharing her "touchy feely side" one day, I decided to rethink things. This is where I made the worst mistake of my life. I then started to look past everything that bothered me and think that I was putting more importance on what's on the outside than what's going on in the inside.

 

Here are the facts for my my wife and me when we married:

1. She was 12 years older than me, had a good job, and owned her own place.

2. I was a young man right out of college, an officer in the Navy, and had what seemed to be a bright future ahead.

3. She had been divorced for about five years when we met.

4. She had a 6 year old child from her first marriage.

5. She had a network of relatives and friends in the area. I had none.

6. I grew into her life and network of friends.

7. She did NOT want more children. I did and thought I could change her.

8. She was Catholic. I was not.

9. She was slightly overweight when met and had battled weight issues all her life. I met her when she was at her "best weight" in life.

10. Exercise, fitness, and eating right have always been a critical part of my life.

 

Here are the facts today:

1. We have a child together that I love dearly and would never want to hurt through divorce.

2. I have no physical attraction for my wife. I have no feelings of attraction toward her due to a host of issues.

3. My faith, which is hanging on by a thread, is the only thing that keeps me sane and in the relationship. (It's the commitment thing!)

4. For the first time in my life, I am find myself open to having an affair with another woman.

5. We are both miserable together. We don't yell at each other or really fight. We just exist.

6. My greatest fear is growing old with my wife and having to be in the same house alone with her when our child graduates from school in a few years.

7. I feel like my life with my wife has been a waste (apart from our child). I feel like I sacrificed many dreams in marrying my wife. But, I am not sure why I made the sacrifice.

 

Is there anyone out there that can identify with me on this? Thanks.

[Adri Ana]

Hello. In April, I will have been married to my wife for 16 years. She was the first woman that I had had a serious relationship with. I was never really physically attracted to her and tried to break off the relationship. But, after sharing her "touchy feely side" one day, I decided to rethink things. This is where I made the worst mistake of my life. I then started to look past everything that bothered me and think that I was putting more importance on what's on the outside than what's going on in the inside.

 

Here are the facts for my my wife and me when we married:

1. She was 12 years older than me, had a good job, and owned her own place.

2. I was a young man right out of college, an officer in the Navy, and had what seemed to be a bright future ahead.

3. She had been divorced for about five years when we met.

4. She had a 6 year old child from her first marriage.

5. She had a network of relatives and friends in the area. I had none.

6. I grew into her life and network of friends.

7. She did NOT want more children. I did and thought I could change her.

8. She was Catholic. I was not.

9. She was slightly overweight when met and had battled weight issues all her life. I met her when she was at her "best weight" in life.

10. Exercise, fitness, and eating right have always been a critical part of my life.

 

Here are the facts today:

1. We have a child together that I love dearly and would never want to hurt through divorce.

2. I have no physical attraction for my wife. I have no feelings of attraction toward her due to a host of issues.

3. My faith, which is hanging on by a thread, is the only thing that keeps me sane and in the relationship. (It's the commitment thing!)

4. For the first time in my life, I am find myself open to having an affair with another woman.

5. We are both miserable together. We don't yell at each other or really fight. We just exist.

6. My greatest fear is growing old with my wife and having to be in the same house alone with her when our child graduates from school in a few years.

7. I feel like my life with my wife has been a waste (apart from our child). I feel like I sacrificed many dreams in marrying my wife. But, I am not sure why I made the sacrifice.

 

Is there anyone out there that can identify with me on this? Thanks.

 

 

 

 

1.You married her as then it was the right thing for you . Do not blame yourself . People change ,circumstances change . So it happened with you . For that moment it was the rightest decision you could make (you thought this way then) .

Now things have changed . Years had passed ,and you are not same man as you were then . Your wife is also not same woman as she was once you married her .

 

2.Sacrificing yourself to kids is always sweet . It feels like you are a hero dad ,and it happens not once or twice ,and not only with you ,

many have passed same and committed themselves to their kids .. Yes.

But the coin always has two sides .

You will grow old. Your kid will start his/her own life . And you ... will regret .You will blame all and everyone around except for yourself.

So the only person who decides when- and what- it s only you .

 

3.OW-OM relationships are a sparkle,but not always working . You need to be really deep in some OW by your feelings to be really happy with this status of OW-OM relationship,you know . . .

 

 

 

I wish you to solve the problem as soon as you can .

Once freed,you will not have regrets as many as you have now and will have later. I believe so .

 

 

 

 

______________________________

 

"It`s better going yourself,then sending seven."

[Walk]

I think a good first step would be for you to see a counselor on your own. Right after I left my exh I had a couple sessions with a pastor at the local church. I'm not religious, but man was he great. Just the act of having a real live human listening to you was such a weight off my chest. I'd highly recommend it. And considering I wasn't a member of the church, or religious, and I cheated on my exh.... the pastor was STILL non-judgemental, listened, offered very good advice, and made me feel more hopeful and less anxious about where I was at in life.

 

You have a really good resource at your disposal (the church). I'd tap into that.

 

I'd also suggest MC. If nothing else, it might clarify to you what YOU want to do with the situation. It might not help the marriage, but with both of you there you can get a feel for your wife's desire to work on the marriage. If she has none, then you'll have your answer right away. If she's actively trying to make a positive change, then work with her on it.

 

I'd talk to Carhill (on here) about it. He's been through something similiar.

 

If after those steps you still are not happy in the marriage... Then you should divorce her. Staying doesn't help anyone. It prevents your wife from finding someone who will love her and cherish her for who she is. It stops you from finding someone who can really make you happy. And it affects your daughter because she can see the hidden dynamics of your relationship. She's learning from your relationship how adult relationships should be. Try to make the best of this situation by showing your daughter a healthy way of acting in a relationship. ie. push to resolve the issues in your marriage, and if you can't, then find an amicable way to dissolve the marriage.

 

And don't cheat. Your daughter would be devestated if she found out... and trust me, she will find out. It's impossible to keep an affair secret forever. Well, unless you have absolutely no morals. If you do have morals, then the guilt will eat you alive. (I know this from experience) Your daughter will be able to tell your up to something. Your actions will come to light, and the only person it'll really devestate will be your daughter.

[Curmudgeon]

I did as you have done and are doing. I hung-in there. I realized even before the wedding that this was not right but an officer's (Army) word is his bond so I did the "honorable" thing which was to forge ahead.

 

That lasted 25 years until she finally, and thankfully, pulled the plug. Children, five of them, were my main impetus to stick around. What a wast of about 13 of the 25 years that was. Even my children, now all adults, have said so and that they wished we'd divorced much sooner than we did.

 

So, what to do? Have a conversation about it, not a confrontation. Try marriage counseling. Leave no stone unturned to try to salvage the relationship and marriage.

 

If all that fails, and it might, then leave. You.ll be ableto do so

knowing you tried your best and you shold be able to look back and honestly say, "No regrets!"

[sxyNYCcpl]

Is there anyone out there that can identify with me on this? Thanks.

 

Except for a few points, most notably the part about having a child with her (not a minor point) 7 years ago I could have written your post almost word for word.

 

After 12 years of going to bed hoping tomorrow would be better, and finding it never was, I finally came to my senses and moved on. I am in a much, much better place because of that.

 

YMMV.

[TeagueNative]

Yes. As a couple early on. But, it didn't really work. But, I don't really think that I want it to work (if that makes sense). If we didn't have a child together, we would not be together today.

[TeagueNative]

Thanks for your reply. What city are your located in? Based on your reply, I will tell you an odd coincidence with your screen name.

[TeagueNative]

Thank you. I am fighting the urge to cheat. But, I will admit. Because of feeling sorry for myself, this is not my finest moment. I am in a weakened state.

[sb129]

Which is why is would be so easy to fall into an affair.

 

Please take that out of the equation. There will be plenty of time to meet someone else if you decide divorce is the road you want to take. Then a new R will be much less hurtful to everyone involved.

 

You have two options

1. Stay and work on resolving the issues with your wife

2. Leave and start again.

 

Walk suggested talking to Carhill- he will definitely have some words of wisdom for you.