DesignerGuy Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 Hey there, Going to try (probably unsuccessfully) to keep a long story short but I really need some advice. Sum up where things have been to date. We're mid-30's, she has 2 kids and we got together early this year, the relationship moved at lightning speed. We were living together by July. We moved too fast, I know that 100%, we moved in before we knew each other. Since moving in it's been constant work just to be happy. She has massive trust and insecurity issues that have manifested constantly over the last 6 months. We're different people, we live our lives differently and want different things out of life. We have different interests, different outlooks, etc... I had come to the conclusion over the last week or so that something has to change, I had decided to talk to her after new years about me finding my own place. I really wanted it to be amicable and have a friendship with her at some point, hell maybe even casually date (yeah I know, would never work). I love her but we just do not get along, we don't. Recently her ex's name has been coming up more often than usual. I really didn't think too much of it at first, it was about a year ago they broke up and I firmly believe in at least salvaging a friendship if possible from time spent. They would go for lunch on occasion and that was it. Then one day she said he had asked her to go to his Christmas party with him and she told him she would talk to me. I told her that I can't stop her but I don't think it's right AT ALL and that I was a little insulted she would even ask. That was about 3 weeks ago, fast forward to today, his name comes up a few times over the last few weeks. One time she was telling me how sexy she finds handymen, then proceeds to tell me how handy he was, that he could fix anything. Another (today actually) she says she's going to call him to come fix the rear wiper on her van, the same one that's been broken for as long as I've known her. Needless to say something wasn't sitting right with me, there was something more and I needed to know what was up. I'm not proud of what I did tonight but it's done now, I abused access I had to her email and did a search on his name. I wanted, no needed, to know if tonight was exactly what she said it was, something was wrong, my gut was telling me something wasn't right and I've learned to listen to my gut feelings. What I found was that she had gone out with him on the night of his party (I was working) to a local pub rather than his party. It didn't sound like anything physical happened but damn... She told me she went out that night on her own to a pub because we had a bad night the night before and she needed some fun. Even told me about guys hitting on her and whatnot. She was even waiting for me in something slinky when I got home that night. I feel like I was totally played for a fool, probably because I WAS!!! The trust I had is now completely gone in 1 fell swoop, and I'm a very trusting person. I have no idea how to approach this with her. The access I used to her email I should NOT have used for this purpose. Yet I'm just totally done, I don't even want to see her face right now, I'm just disgusted that she would flat out lie and make **** up like that. Confused on how to proceed here. This is so over for me now but how the hell do I use the information that I have? ugh................
carhill Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 I had come to the conclusion over the last week or so that something has to change, I had decided to talk to her after new years about me finding my own place. I'd have that talk tomorrow and get going on getting into something for January. As to the why, it's pretty simple. Apparently, living together isn't working out
Posco_Proudfoot Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 I'd start looking for a place ASAP. Your not happy and neither is she. I would even mention the email. It only confirmed to you what is going on. If you bring it up she'll through a fit over looking at it and point of lying to you will be completely lost from it.
Ronni_W Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 This is so over for me now but how the hell do I use the information that I have? You can use the results of your investigative work as your evidence that you will be making the right decision when you move out. You can get back on the high road if you don't use that information for any other purpose. What would be your point, anyway? -- it was over for you some time ago, yes? Keep your dignity and self-respect. Let the relationship die and rest in peace. That would be my suggestion.
carhill Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 OP, good advice. Listen to it. The healthiest thing IMO is to quietly and peacefully move out and serve her a silence sandwich. Don't breath a word of what you know.
Author DesignerGuy Posted December 21, 2008 Author Posted December 21, 2008 Yeah, I'm pretty sure I need to. The timing couldn't be worse though.
carhill Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 IMO, the only "good timing" is getting all your ducks in a row legally if you're divorcing someone. Even then, the timing sucks. It always sucks. There's never a "good" time to end a relationship. Never....
Author DesignerGuy Posted December 21, 2008 Author Posted December 21, 2008 True enough carhill. I really really wanted this to work and have been trying really hard to do so, I thought I could say the same for her. It's only literally the last few days I had decided to go in the new year and I was working out how, but just because things weren't working and I wanted myself and her to be able to be happy, something we haven't really been able to be together. This does change things though because now, I feel betrayed, lied to and like I was played for a fool....
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