JoeTann Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 My girlfriend and I have been together for about three and a half years now, and I think it's time for it to end. When we started dating, neither of us saw it as anything long term, but we both quickly became too comfortable in the relationship and somehow it has gone on for far longer than I expected. This would be much easier if the feeling was mutual. But while my feelings for her have fizzled out, hers have become stronger and stronger. The reason I'm posting is because I need some advice on the best way to do this. Our lives have become more and more intertwined over the years until we're pretty much considered common law (we moved to a new city 8 months ago for my work--she got a transfer). We share an apartment with both of our names on the lease, and the earliest we can terminate the tenancy is in 4 months (and we must give 2 months notice according to provincial law). Because we're both fairly recent grads i don't have the money or the savings to pay for two apartments for four months (and the friends I could stay with have small places where I would certainly be an inconvenience). All of our furniture is also shared and I feel that I would simply have to leave it all behind in order to go. To further complicate things, she has a ton of unpaid student loans and now relies on me for anything financial. She makes decent money, but her pay is direct deposited into my bank account (hers is frozen by creditors), her cell phone and all of the house bills are in my name, and there is debt on my credit card which she accumulated. The biggest two problems are that I feel my only way out is to give up everything I have and start from scratch sleeping on friends couches; as well as the fact that I think my leaving would devastate her both emotionally and financially. She'd have no way to do ordinary banking, an apartment that's far too expensive for either of us on our own, and no way to pay off her loans and get herself back in solid financial shape. Finally, judging from previous experience (we broke up for a short period a few years ago) she would basically break down if I were to leave. The last time we broke up, she drained my bank account, said some awful things, screamed, cried and finally begged me to take her back. After she broke up with her last boyfriend (and this breakup was initiated by her) she's told me she barely did anything for months, let all of her finances go south (as I've mentioned) and contemplated suicide. Despite the fact that I'm ready to go, I've loved and cared about her for a long time and I don't want to see her hurt or financially destitute because I left. Reading back on this note I realize it makes her sound a bit like a raving lunatic, but she's not. It sounds much worse when laid out in this way. I know that the most obvious advice is that I'll eventually have to just suck it up and do it, but does anyone have any advice or experience in how to best unravel myself from this?
Ronni_W Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 If your biggest stumbling block is that you are feeling emotionally and financially responsible for her, then that might be your place to start. Maybe a book like 'Boundaries: Where You End And I Begin' by Anne Katherine. Or 'Games People Play' by Eric Berne, may help you recognize the relationship dynamics that the two of you are engaged (stuck) in. After which, maybe you'd choose some individual therapy if you felt that you needed help with learning how to give back responsibility to other adults. As you are aware, this is not going to end without emotional pain or financial hardship. But you are not responsible for her circumstances, state of mental health, or whatever choices she may exercise about living or dying. Which, the last is the toughest to get one's head around. Which is why you may need professional support and guidance with your own decisions and feeling comfortable with whatever are the consequences of you taking proper care of you -- being self-responsible, assertive, honouring your own heart's messages, fulfilling your own needs and wants, etc. It all takes a lot of deep courage...and many people do need help with getting to the depth that is needed. Best of luck.
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