lovejunkie10 Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 So I have been on here before and you guys all seem to give good advice. Making this quick: I moved out of my house in July after 8.5 years of marriage. No real passion (ever), hubby has anger and control issues and as I grew as a person, I became stronger and realized that I don't want to be cussed at , etc. The hubby doesn't want me to walk away with any $ as he made most of it (altho I took care of his 3 kids and was a great partner) and I will be filing for divorce in the next few wks. The problem (outside of everything else)?? : I am so lonely for the holidays. My parents are dead , my bro doesn't live in my state, all my friends are Jewish and don't celebrate xmas and I just feel so bad. He has his (dysfunctional) family, is living in the house and I am in an apartment and making very little $. Add to all the above that I own a retail clothing boutique and with all this crappy economy, I wonder if it will survive thru the spring. I took a cut in pay to run another business of ours before this and then we finally sold it and started this one. Bad timing! haha.. anyhow, how does one get past it all? Meaning, sometimes, I think I should just go back - it would be easier, he still wants to be married to me, I wouldn't be alone... but I don't miss him. But I am so sad that I have a failed marriage and a possibly failing business. I have never had this happen. I am usually a very positive person. I am attractive and don't have a problem getting men to date me, etc., but I think that they are all probably thinking that I am the new divorcee and are wanting either more sexually or a relationship. I have been so co dependent that it is hard for me to be by myself. My counselor tells me I need to find myself and re learn who I am but it is so hard. any insight or words of wisdom? How does one make it thru when it all seems so bleak?
SingleDad Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 You have to take each day one at a time, trying to do what you think is right all along the way, so that your can sleep peacefully knowing you have done the right thing, so you can rise for another day.
Author lovejunkie10 Posted December 21, 2008 Author Posted December 21, 2008 I guess so.. it just seems to hit me like at 3 in the morning when I am sleeping by myself and terrified of the future. I never used to be like this.. have always been really strong and independent but somewhere along the way I became dependent on my husband and our lifestyle. That is what sucks.. I have always been responsible with $ and never got myself in over my head financially and now even tho I am NOT living an extravagant lifestyle at all, I an financially strapped to the gills. The ex to be is not helping alot at all. I think that he feels that since I am leaving and it is my decision that I have to take the good and the bad with it and if that means that I don't have $ so be it. Let's put it this way: my total basic needs for the rent, etc., is about $350 under what I am bringing in and what the ex gives me and that is not counting food. And it is not that I am a "high Maintenance " person either. Anyway, it is pretty scary. Thanks for the positive thoughts..
healsole Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 spend some time alone, in a quiet place that inspires you, or lets you relax and be yourself fully and do some serious soul searching, even if its painful. do you really want to be with someone with whom you have shared no real passion-ever? or can passion be created/the relationship salvaged? you probably already know the answer. but speaking from exp, leaving a situation that was boring/passionless/controlling/angry can be extremely rewarding and empowering. it may feel like a breath of fresh air. its way hard, i agree, especially the financial part. like he said, taking it a day at a time is all you can do. be strong!! "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay. it's not the end."
LakesideDream Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 I guess so.. it just seems to hit me like at 3 in the morning when I am sleeping by myself and terrified of the future. I never used to be like this.. have always been really strong and independent but somewhere along the way I became dependent on my husband and our lifestyle. That is what sucks.. I have always been responsible with $ and never got myself in over my head financially and now even tho I am NOT living an extravagant lifestyle at all, I an financially strapped to the gills. The ex to be is not helping alot at all. I think that he feels that since I am leaving and it is my decision that I have to take the good and the bad with it and if that means that I don't have $ so be it. Let's put it this way: my total basic needs for the rent, etc., is about $350 under what I am bringing in and what the ex gives me and that is not counting food. And it is not that I am a "high Maintenance " person either. Anyway, it is pretty scary. Thanks for the positive thoughts.. The economy is a mess and I'm suprised that there isn't more discussion about the money aspects of seperation/divorce in the here and now. My heart goes out to you, and says you need to stay the course and continue on the path you are on. My head says you have three children you are responsible for. I'm not sure what the courts will be saying either. Presumably your husband makes enough income to pay reasonable child support. I know I'm not helping.... and I apologise. There is more to consider here than being "happy" with a new life. Making it through Christmas day shouldn't be to bad though. Open presents, Cook up a turkey and stuff with your kids, and enjoy the holiday. The sun will rise on the 26th.
SingleDad Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 I took a 10% pay cut and now I am negative $1,000 each month in cash flow and likely 4 to 5 years to pay off the loan I took out in marital settlement - and the marriage was only 3.5 years. Now I learn my W, BF and my daughter will be spending Christmas together like a new happy family - while I am kicked to the curb. She bought a house with my money, my child support pays all of her housing - and now shares her house with BF - I feel like he is taking over as father to my daughter. How's that for a Merry Christmas ?
ilmw Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 I took a 10% pay cut and now I am negative $1,000 each month in cash flow and likely 4 to 5 years to pay off the loan I took out in marital settlement - and the marriage was only 3.5 years. Now I learn my W, BF and my daughter will be spending Christmas together like a new happy family - while I am kicked to the curb. She bought a house with my money, my child support pays all of her housing - and now shares her house with BF - I feel like he is taking over as father to my daughter. How's that for a Merry Christmas ? It sucks.... but.. hey join the club... same happened to me....?? You tend to have to take a lot on the chin in this game? But hey... it does eventually get better.... one day you will say... ah F*@k it.... and move on :D Eventually .. hopefully you will look at all of this as a gift.... you got away from "them".... now you are free to live again.... as for your child..... if you are a "Real"... and good father... you will never lose your child... you will always be dad! In fact... I am probably closer with my son now.. than I was before..(probably because I don't see him all the time).. and he shows me so much appreciation, and affection. We are pretty much inseparable when we are together You will adapt to this... you have to... and no body said you had to like it.... but, just make the best of it... and make your time with your child...as much fun as possible... while maintaining your father/child relationship.... tough at times... as you want to make it fun all the time.... but because you are a parent.... still have to maintain that role. I never thought I would be here... never thought.... I would see the day... where I would except things the way they were.... but I do. In many ways... I am glad I am divorced... (only way I am not... is, my son... has to go through what I did.... a divorce at a young age) Difference being.... I have not abandoned my son... unlike my own father. I think I am starting to sound like a broken record... but... It does get better.... ilmw
healsole Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 Yaaay for us single people who got kicked to the curb!!! I feel the same way every time i think of my ex earning thousands of $ per year more than he did when we were together, and haven't seen a dime of it in child support!! I am also a full time student for a few more months. So if i can do it, anyone should be able to. Single person power!! Try to focus on a Happy Christmas anyway...
Rafa Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 I know it's hard during this time of year. Some things that I have done to help are: - I've made a list of all the reasons why the breakup was a GOOD thing and whenever I miss her I just look at the list. - Every night I write down things that I am grateful for. - I work out in the gym a lot - I go on dates, which reminds me that there are great women out there and I know that I won't be alone forever. - I remind myself that being single has benefits, and there were lots of things I missed about being single when I was in a relationship. - I see my friends as much as possible - I do my hobby, and keep myself busy - visit Loveshack if I feel lonely During this Christmas period, I find myself thinking about how different things were at this time last year, I know how difficult it is. You've made some great progress. Don't go back to him, you've done the hard part. Now you just have to tough it out, and eventually you will be comfortable being alone for now, especially once the festive season finishes, and when the time is right you'll find yourself back in a relationship - a positive one. And you'll be so glad all of this happened!
Gunny376 Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 Back in the day, I just told myself it was "just another day" in ____________(fill in the blank) and then got a fifth or two of Jack Daniels and told myself "Sometimes in Life, you've just got to say "What tha' ****!" Seriously, I've been through it, cheating spouse, seperation, divorce, creditors calling, collections, child support, bankruptcy, empty apartment during the holidays, eating red beans, rice and fried cornbread three times a day. Even got down to eating "lard sandwiches" LOL! (Depression era recipie I Goggled ~ and tried ~ ONCE! ) Your just going to have it ride it out. I promise you'll feel better and differently once the Holidays are over, and once they quit playing all the XMAS music, and take the decorations and lights down. One of the biggest things I had to do, was to learn to control my thoughts and emotions. Such as you think ~ is as how you believe ~ and such as you believe ~ you become. And getting rid of all the negative thinking. For example, if you think your too stupid, ugly, fat ~ whatever? When I found those thoughts creeping into my head, I would tell myself "Worse than some, but better than most!" and "Parts of me are pretty awesome, and I'm working on the rest!" Financially, I can't recommend Mary Hunt and her books about "Debtproof Living" enough. She's got a website by the same name, but I can't link you because you have to pay $24 a year to get full access to the fourmns. (Worth every penny! Chocked full of others going through hard times and what they're doing about it. Everything from cars, transportation, how to celebrate the holidays when your broke, recipies (1000 and 1 ways to live off potatoes LOL! All kinds of good stuff!) I stubbled across her column in the local newspaper about three years ago. Because of her advice and books, I got my butt out of debt, paid off the credit cards, my car. Mary also advocated setting money aside for expenses you know are coming (car repairs, furniture & appliance replacement etc.) Even though my 03 Mazda Tribute only has 24K on her, I've got $5000 set back for auto repairs. She calls them FA's (Freedom Accounts) and although I've got two credit cards, I've also got the money set aside to pay them off tomorrow if I need to. Even if they were "maxed-out" I've got an FA for my insurance, and get a lower rate because I pay in full once a year. Along the same lines, you might want to get Dave Ramesy's 'Complete Money Makeover" along the same lines as Mary's ~ although I like Mary's approach much more. Finally, I absolutely recommend the book "Rebuilding Your Credit For Dummies"It even comes with a CD that has form letters to send to creditors and tells you how to deal with them. Just using the recomendations has caused my FICO (Credit) score to jump 100 points in less than a month. Meawnwhile back at the ranch, where Grandma was fighting off the Injuins~ you need to get busy educating yourself about what they don't teach you in school, nor church. Dating Interpersonal Relationships Marriage Personal Finance The BIG FOUR that most impact our lives! Hang in there Kid! Been there! Done that! Not looking back!
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