fral945 Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 Another thread sparked this question. How important is it for you to have mutual hobbies and interests with someone you are dating? What degree of importance do you place on having mutual hobbies and interests? Does it make any difference if you are dating them casually or seriously? I'm more interested to hear opinions from people who are dating with the intention of finding something long-term (i.e., marriage) and not just casual dating. My opinion is that it is not all that important and having different hobbies and interests allows time apart, which I think is a healthy thing in a relationship. Then again, I realize most of my hobbies and interests aren't that appealing to women, so maybe that is why it is not as important to me. I tend to focus more on finding someone with similar beliefs, goals, and values. Mutual hobbies and interests are just a bonus in my book. What do you all think?
sb129 Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 Mutual hobbies and interests are a bonus, but I think its also important to have separate hobbies and interests too.
curiousnycgirl Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 I agree - my b/f and I are both avid scuba divers (although we can't afford to go at the moment), and he is an avid hunter. I've learned to shoot a shot gun, but he knows it's not my true joy in life. Similarly I have a horse - and while he is a good rider, and used to own horses, to him they are a utility (he used his horses to hunt in the mountains) while my horse is my baby. So we each understand the other's passion, and are fine not sharing it. I think it is very important to be able to share times together, as well as have dedicated alone time. So this works well for us.
Ronni_W Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 What has worked best for me is to have 1 or 2 hobbies/passions in common, and also for both to be willing to sometimes engage in each other's individual pursuits. To me, it does help to strengthen our bond and the relationship when we can have fun doing things together -- helps keep us young and playful
blind_otter Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 What has worked best for me is to have 1 or 2 hobbies/passions in common, and also for both to be willing to sometimes engage in each other's individual pursuits. To me, it does help to strengthen our bond and the relationship when we can have fun doing things together -- helps keep us young and playful I agree with this. Share 1 or 2 hobbies, and take interest in each other's individual pursuits. You can't just do your thing, and have him do his, and never the twain shall meet. That would eventually lead to two people with completely separate lives. My S/O and I play music together. Good times. But he will also sit and listen to be blather on about my la leche league meetings, even though he never has nor will he ever breastfeed
JohnnyBlaze Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 For the vast majority of my hobbies, it doesn't matter to me if my chick shares interest in them or not. In fact, I've found that the ones with whom I share fewer interests seem to last longer. Like Ronni said, I guess it gives us both something new to discover; it makes the relationship more interesting. The one exception to my interest list is the bike. I don't care if a girl wants to ride or not, but she has to be able to tolerate my doing so. If I have to come home every day to a girlfriend telling me how dangerous bikes are and how she read about some guy dying in some gruesome way on a bike, I won't be coming home to her for very long. And yes, there are people like that.
sb129 Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 I think if you have some shared interests that you spend time on, you are less likely to resent time spent on the interests that you don't share.
Author fral945 Posted December 22, 2008 Author Posted December 22, 2008 Thanks for the responses. I tend to agree with you all that it's probably a good thing to have 1 or 2 mutual interests/hobbies. Just out of curiosity, what hobbies and interests do you generally find you have in common with the opposite sex? I tend to have trouble finding common ground there with the opposite sex.
Star Gazer Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 I think if you have some shared interests that you spend time on, you are less likely to resent time spent on the interests that you don't share. I agree. For me, there are three interests that are key: traveling, snow sports, and drinking wine. Someone who's a teetotaler homebody with no interest in hitting the slopes is just someone I know I would not be compatible with long term.
Author fral945 Posted December 22, 2008 Author Posted December 22, 2008 I agree. For me, there are three interests that are key: traveling, snow sports, and drinking wine. Someone who's a teetotaler homebody with no interest in hitting the slopes is just someone I know I would not be compatible with long term. Star, To what degree would you say that person needs to have those same interests? Would he have to like them and be passionate about them, or would someone who has a general interest but not enthusiastic about them be sufficient?
Star Gazer Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Star, To what degree would you say that person needs to have those same interests? Would he have to like them and be passionate about them, or would someone who has a general interest but not enthusiastic about them be sufficient? Honestly, they'd have to be passionate about traveling (which is important to me for values-based reasons and I spend a lot of time doing, not to mention think is a great bonding activity and can't really enjoy with someone who's not into it full-heartedly) and a general interest in the rest (but interested enough to look forward to sharing those things with me).
Author fral945 Posted December 22, 2008 Author Posted December 22, 2008 Honestly, they'd have to be passionate about traveling (which is important to me for values-based reasons and I spend a lot of time doing, not to mention think is a great bonding activity and can't really enjoy with someone who's not into it full-heartedly) and a general interest in the rest (but interested enough to look forward to sharing those things with me). Is this a view you have always had when it comes to dating someone, or is it something that has developed from experience, and you have come to realize is important?
allina Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 It depends sometimes it can be crucial for a relationship to even get started. For example, I would NEVER EVER date a man who hunted or fished. I find these activities so low life and disgusting that I am not interested in even conversing with a man who considers them a hobby Also, I love animals, especially my cats, so I wouldn't date a man who disliked cats. I suppose he doesn't have to love them but disliking my pets is a deal breaker. So clearly there are hobby related issues that are crucial. I also think that the way people enjoy spending their free time is relevant in a happy relationship. This doesn't mean that I think a couple needs to share all the same interests, but the big things do count.
Star Gazer Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Is this a view you have always had when it comes to dating someone, or is it something that has developed from experience, and you have come to realize is important? Everyone has their own preferences and needs. I am self-aware enough to know what some of mine are. As for traveling, I have no interest in being in a relationship with someone who doesn't have the same curiosity about our world and the same desire to explore it. That's a value choice, in my opinion. Quite frankly, I don't think I even have any platonic friends who don't share this interest. As for wine, well... I just can't date a non-drinker. Wine enhances a meal, and, well, eating well is something I do often with people I'm dating. And as for skiing, I've come to learn that because I spend so much time doing it that someone who has little to no interest in participating in skiing or snowboarding just won't see me much for over 1/3 of the year. How's a relationship going to develop under those circumstances? In addition, I'm attracted to men who are active and push their limits, try new things. A dude who's not even willing to tag along down a gorgeous powdery slope just ain't for me.
allina Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 I wanted to add something. Hobbies often aren't just hobbies, they're often representative of life style, background and belief system. This is where they become in assessing if someone is a good match based on their hobbies.
Star Gazer Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 I wanted to add something. Hobbies often aren't just hobbies, they're often representative of life style, background and belief system. This is where they become in assessing if someone is a good match based on their hobbies. I couldn't agree more. This is why I was so confused by the other thread where a woman decided not to continue seeing someone who didn't share the hobby she found to be an integral part of her life. It would be like you (a vegetarian) deciding not to date a butcher. I'd understand!
Author fral945 Posted December 22, 2008 Author Posted December 22, 2008 I wanted to add something. Hobbies often aren't just hobbies, they're often representative of life style, background and belief system. This is where they become in assessing if someone is a good match based on their hobbies. That is true, and there are indeed people whose hobbies and interests paint a clear picture of their lifestyle, background, and belief systems. However, they can also be deceptive as well. I have hobbies and interests that are quite varied and could infer many different possibilities of my actual lifestyle, background, and belief system, depending on which hobbies and interests you know about. It's funny, because I've had women in conversation infer things about my lifestyle from certain interests and hobbies that are completely opposite of my actual lifestyle, background, and belief systems. I think that is one reason why I don't put much importance on hobbies and interests, because I realize that my own hobbies and interests don't always give an accurate picture of my lifestyle, background, or beliefs. Some people can be more easily stereotyped than others.
allina Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 I think it depends. Of course a hobby can be just a hobby. Someone can enjoy making pottery or growing orchids, usually these hobbies aren't representative of who they are. But there are also many hobbies out there that have a larger impact of a person's complete lifestyle. SG, I also thought that the woman discussed in that thread did nothing wrong. I thought she acted properly by being kind and honest, I was surprised to see how some people reacted. I think that some people try to be overly PC when talking about dating and sex, which is unrealistic, the world of dating and sex is not a PC one.
Star Gazer Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 It's funny, because I've had women in conversation infer things about my lifestyle from certain interests and hobbies that are completely opposite of my actual lifestyle, background, and belief systems. I think that is one reason why I don't put much importance on hobbies and interests, because I realize that my own hobbies and interests don't always give an accurate picture of my lifestyle, background, or beliefs. Some people can be more easily stereotyped than others. An example would help, as I really cannot agree with your assessment without knowing what hobbies and interests you speak to.
sb129 Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 For example, I would NEVER EVER date a man who hunted or fished. I find these activities so low life and disgusting that I am not interested in even conversing with a man who considers them a hobby . I used to say that too..
Author fral945 Posted December 22, 2008 Author Posted December 22, 2008 An example would help, as I really cannot agree with your assessment without knowing what hobbies and interests you speak to. Ok, for example, what would (or could) you infer about me if I told you two of my hobbies were playing golf and listening to classical music, but that I also listen to heavy metal music and play video games?
Trialbyfire Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 If it's a hobby or interest you enjoy a lot or are fanatical about, I think it should be a shared interest. If you spend a lot of time apart doing very different things, you'll find that you'll drift apart over the years. Maybe that's the difference fral, no offense intended. You're not terribly entranced with the concept of marriage or anything seriously long-term. It's why it's so important to you to retain individuality. If anything, I wonder if you honestly believe that women are equal. I don't think you do, deep inside of you. I think you believe that women are an addendum to you.
carhill Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 How important is it for you to have mutual hobbies and interests with someone you are dating? One or two shared passions is essential, IMO. A common ground. What degree of importance do you place on having mutual hobbies and interests? See above. Additionally, the ability of a potential to embrace and sample my passions (and the reverse) is an essential component of compatibility for me. I need someone to be curious about the world and existence to be attracted. Does it make any difference if you are dating them casually or seriously? N/A. I've never dated people "casually".
Author fral945 Posted December 22, 2008 Author Posted December 22, 2008 Maybe that's the difference fral, no offense intended. You're not terribly entranced with the concept of marriage or anything seriously long-term. It's why it's so important to you to retain individuality. If anything, I wonder if you honestly believe that women are equal. I don't think you do, deep inside of you. I think you believe that women are an addendum to you. Not to get too far off the thread subject, but yes, I'm not real sure about the whole marriage thing, thought I do seek a long-term relationship. I'm not sure about your individuality comment, I'll have to think about that one a bit. There's no question, though, that I dislike conformity in my personal life. And yes, I agree, I do not see women as equals. Men are better at some things and women are better at others.
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