Tomas80 Posted December 20, 2008 Posted December 20, 2008 Hi guys, I’d welcome your insight on the following, I promise I’ll try to keep it as brief as possible… My girlfriend broke up with me 5 days ago (we were together for over a year and a half) saying that we’re both leading our own lives and we can’t live together. The funny thing about this is that ever since I met her I’ve thought the very opposite, so obviously this was a hell of a shock. When I pressed her for reasons, she said that she doesn’t really love me and that she’s actually never loved me with all her heart, only (at most) with “half a heart”, but that she didn’t really realise this until some six weeks ago (I’ve been abroad for some 11 weeks now and she told me about the break-up via skype). During this 11-week period, she did visit me once for a few days, but she was terribly cold towards me, we didn’t even kiss properly, but this didn’t really make me realise that she wants to call it a day with me, though come to think of it now, it must’ve been crystal clear. She now says, though, that he fact that I left due to job commitments for a few months is not a reason for the break up, which I actually believe. I wrote and told her all about my feelings 3 days ago, but given her cold and detached behaviour toward me I decided to go on no-contact. However, I love her and want her back nevertheless, as she’s the first woman i really love (i’m 28, she’s 27 shortly) and the idea that we won’t be together is bringing me deep down. Do you guys reckon it’s possible for her to fall in love with me „properly“, not only with half a heart? Any views would be appreciated. Thanx NB: Sorry for my grammar etc., i’m not a native speaker of English.
hereandnow Posted December 20, 2008 Posted December 20, 2008 Hi Tomas. I can't really answer your question exactly. I think when she told you she only loves you with half a heart, she was actually only telling you how she feels right now, even though she says she never has loved you fully. I don't believe that stuff about her only realizing about her "half-hearted love" six weeks ago. What, did she find an extra room in there or something, she just found the empty ventricles? No, it's my guess that her feelings probably changed six weeks ago and that is where this whole thing is coming from. I got the same thing from my ex. Hard to say if her feelings will come back in full force, but regardless you have to look at it as if they won't. I'm working on this myself right now. Keep posting!
Benique Posted December 20, 2008 Posted December 20, 2008 Hi guys, I’d welcome your insight on the following, I promise I’ll try to keep it as brief as possible… My girlfriend broke up with me 5 days ago (we were together for over a year and a half) saying that we’re both leading our own lives and we can’t live together. The funny thing about this is that ever since I met her I’ve thought the very opposite, so obviously this was a hell of a shock. When I pressed her for reasons, she said that she doesn’t really love me and that she’s actually never loved me with all her heart, only (at most) with “half a heart”, but that she didn’t really realise this until some six weeks ago (I’ve been abroad for some 11 weeks now and she told me about the break-up via skype). During this 11-week period, she did visit me once for a few days, but she was terribly cold towards me, we didn’t even kiss properly, but this didn’t really make me realise that she wants to call it a day with me, though come to think of it now, it must’ve been crystal clear. She now says, though, that he fact that I left due to job commitments for a few months is not a reason for the break up, which I actually believe. I wrote and told her all about my feelings 3 days ago, but given her cold and detached behaviour toward me I decided to go on no-contact. However, I love her and want her back nevertheless, as she’s the first woman i really love (i’m 28, she’s 27 shortly) and the idea that we won’t be together is bringing me deep down. Do you guys reckon it’s possible for her to fall in love with me „properly“, not only with half a heart? Any views would be appreciated. Thanx NB: Sorry for my grammar etc., i’m not a native speaker of English. I`d suggest you to talk to her and clear the matter . Nothing else will help . You may 'guess' a lot of things still not guessing the truth . Agreeing with the OP,I think ,something has happened some weeks ago that made her tell you that (?)
EmperorR Posted December 20, 2008 Posted December 20, 2008 She was probably detaching months ago, and then finally she could no longer keep it in. I'm sorry I know how much it sucks, go NC and stay NC. Everything you contact her you will get that cold detached what do you want one. I'm sorry to ask this but do you think that maybe she cheated on you when you were away? I remember when my ex came back from her trip she was totally different detached, cold to me, not saying she loves me like before, untill she told me that she cheated.
Nikki Sahagin Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 One thing i've realised about detatchment is there is 'true detatchment' and 'fake detatchment'. I can speak as someone that does this...sometimes I act cold and detatched to protect myself. In the end it does more harm than good but definately some people employ it as a safety mechanism. Perhaps because you went away she detatched from you to protect her own feelings/anxieties? To be honest though, I can't say she would act in the same way that I would.
Author Tomas80 Posted December 22, 2008 Author Posted December 22, 2008 Thank you all for replying! actually all of you are right in some aspects of the whole issue. Looking back I do believe now that her detachment was a long-term process and eventually she was no longer able to keep it in. However, I must've been really dumb (or perhaps too much in love) that i have never realised or noticed it. We've had our conflicts along the way, but while I've always viewed them as petty, day-to-day "discrepancies" because i've always believed that nobody and no relationship is flawless. Unlike me, however, she has eventually developed a feeling that we can't exist together on a day-to-day basis. Re the "half-hearted" love, well, she says she tried hard to love me "properly" but in the end she realised that she's not capable of that (one of the reasons, among other things, being that she didn't feel enough of both physical and mental chemistry toward me) and stressed that it's better to put an end to our relationship sooner than later. As for possible cheating on me, obviously one of the first things I asked her after she broke up with me was if there was a third person involved in it, but she said that there was none and i had no reason to doubt it, as i've always believed her and still do. Re the possible fake detachment from her side, I know that quite a few women do that to protect themselves and I even thought that she was doing the same. However, I don't believe this is the case now, judging especially by her behaviour toward me over the last few weeks and my repeated expressions of love toward her (no woman can stay THAT cold, can she?!) Anyway, I'm staying no-contact now and will keep it that way, we'll only meet one more time when we're both back in town in a few days in order to talk face-to-face and clear the whole matter and possibly get to know more about the reasons why etc. (i will then keep you posted, perhaps my experience might be helpful for somebody some time). Even though it's breaking my heart to say so, i understand that the best way how to get over all this is to stay no-contact, and that's what i'm also determined to tell her openly. Obviously it's not because i hate her or feel anger toward her but because I want to avoid any unnecessary emotional upheavals stemming from my feelings toward her, even though she says she wants me to stay in touch with her and be her friend. Thank you guys for your posts for now, hope you'll be luckier with your partners. Tomas
RecordProducer Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Do you guys reckon it’s possible for her to fall in love with me „properly“, not only with half a heart? If she isn't in love with you after a year, and a half and has never been, it's highly unlikely that she will ever be - because this is really the "proper" type of love for a relationship. I am sorry you're hurt, but now that you know she is't in love with you, it will be easier for you to get over her. Would you want to be married to somebody who doesn't truly love you? Please don't wonder why; it's all in our genes. This woman didn't, the next woman will love you.
Author Tomas80 Posted December 23, 2008 Author Posted December 23, 2008 You're right of course, recordproducer, my brain understands that she'll never love me, the trouble is that i just can't seem to be able to come to terms with it... Moreover, i until a week ago I believed that she's the first woman who's ever loved me and who i've ever loved, so finding out the truth after a year and a half is sending me deep down. Anyway, I'm doing my best to handle all this...
RecordProducer Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 finding out the truth after a year and a half is sending me deep down. I know and I'm so sorry. But breakups are never fair, they always involve something that makes us feel humiliated. You're right, she should've ended this long time ago and it wouldn't have hurt this badly. But you'll move on. You'll love and be loved again, I assure you.
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