blind_otter Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 What is it thats so different between the love of a parent and child than the love between so adults that allows us to just give up? The relationship between 2 adults is inherently different. 2 equals, versus one that needs so much from you and one you give so much to. I didn't carry my S/O in my body, I didn't give birth to him, and (most of the time haha) I don't breastfeed him! It's an evolutionary thing. Anyways, I had both pre-marital counseling with xH as well as MC at the end of our marriage. What a crock. It really does depend on the practitioner and IMO few are skilled in this regard. The PreMC was just a pastor convincing us to get married, and the MC was totally focused on my xH and I was cast as the bad guy. Blech. After about 3 sessions I got up and walked out of the room, never to return.
carhill Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 ... and thank you for providing such an extensive response. I still wonder why you stopped loving your wife (and if you ever did). Your explanation that she distanced herself and has a different emotional style somehow doesn't satisfy me. That's OK. It doesn't satisfy her either, and I learned in MC that this is "normal" for women to feel. The simplest answer I can offer is that she was socialized with abandonment and chaos as the relevant love language and I was socialized with intimacy and connection and peace as my relevant love language. The MC interviewed us separately about your histories before beginning therapy. Right about the time the well-documented "honeymoon period" was over and we began seeing each for who we really were, my mom had her stroke and, as her only surviving family member, I had to act. The time, money and energy I spent on her care could've been used to better understand and work on the marriage. That is when MC would've really helped and when IMO its lack started the dynamic of distance, exaggerating the existing differences in our emotional styles and love languages. Trust me, as I use my skills to rehab the new house she bought, it's on my mind daily. The actions I take now and perspectives I have on them are to benefit my growth as a person and she is the incidental beneficiary. As with your situation, nothing is simple and cut and dried. I identified when I first started feeling this way (with the help of the psychologist) and established a timeline to effect recovery and change. I'll stick to that timeline, as much for her health as for mine. She deserves "normal" too
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