Brady_to_Moss Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 I have never really been comfortable with myself. I always find stuff wrong with me and worry about it. Now i know that one should be happy about theirself before being with someone and i think that i still need time to find myself i guess. If i am not happy with myself how can i make someone else happy or be happy with them? Am i right in what i am saying? Should i still date or even get into a relationship just yet? Link to post Share on other sites
nana yaw II Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 I think you are right, in honesty. if one cannot love oneself, then others cannot love you. What about yourself don't you like? IMO changing oneself is not inherently wrong, but it depends on the nature and extent of the change. If, for example, a person speaks quietly and wants to speak more confidently and louder then this is a normal change to make. Link to post Share on other sites
Gremio Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 What are you unhappy with? Is it a weight issue, you're too tall, you have a big nose? All of these can be overcome with the right frame of mind. There is truth in the thought that you can't love someone else unless you love yourself first. You need to exhume confidence. By showing people you are insecure, it can show you as a weak person. And as far as mating and potential LTRs, would you want to be with a person who is shown to be weak or depressed? Don't let yourself be that person. Link to post Share on other sites
510 Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 I have never really been comfortable with myself. I always find stuff wrong with me and worry about it. Now i know that one should be happy about theirself before being with someone and i think that i still need time to find myself i guess. If i am not happy with myself how can i make someone else happy or be happy with them? Am i right in what i am saying? Should i still date or even get into a relationship just yet? You are thinking about this waaaaaaaaaaaay too much! Counseling might help you? Do you suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? What is it that you are not comfortable with? There is someone for everyone! I would suggest that you get out a socialize a little bit more, without expecting anything. Start at places that are less demanding towards holding a conversation with someone but give you the chance for someone to say hello. Museums, community events, actually volunteering for social non profits will help as well. Who has made you feel this way about yourself. It usually stems from childhood. I mean what can it really be that would make you feel so ugh about yourself. We all have something we don't like..well maybe not.. not I'm just joking. But we all have some flaws.. but so do the people you might be attracted to.. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 That is nonsense you can be in the process of achieving happiness for yourself WHILE you are with someone. Personally I don't adhere to this school of thought that says you must work on yourself before you live life and you must postpone any sort of relationship until you are perfect. The only way to reach prefection (or far from it ) is through trial and error. This is how we learn most about ourselves, through the way in which we relate to others. It is one thing to choose to stay single after a bad breakup to give the heart time to heal, we should always respect those emotions, but in terms of what you are describing and what you are saying and if it means having full acceptance of who you are, then it might take you a lifetime!?!? Are you going to stay single your entire life waiting to be perfectly content with yourself? Stop reading so much popular pscychology crap. Instead learn ways in which you can appreciate your attributes and traits more each day. Do things that make you feel good, play a sport or take up a hobbie or join a social group of some sort , volunteer your time once a week to do some good for others and these are the best character building execises you can put yourself through. And while you are doing that date. It's called living your life to the fullest. A rich balanced life makes you stronger from the inside out. If the only aspect of your life is to focus on romantic relationships then all your energy will be spent on nitpicking about yourself. That creates and inbalance and it also creates a false outlook on who you are and what you are truly capable of. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brady_to_Moss Posted December 20, 2008 Author Share Posted December 20, 2008 Yea i have had bad anxiety but i am on medicine on that now and it has gotten a whole lot better! I am also obsessive in some ways and i HATE that trait about me. It always ruins anything i have ever had with any girl. Thats probally the main thing i hate. That and i have never really had another person or girl really care for me and i get down on myself sometimes. I know i shouldnt becasue i am still young (20). Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 I have never really been comfortable with myself. I always find stuff wrong with me and worry about it. Now i know that one should be happy about theirself before being with someone and i think that i still need time to find myself i guess. If i am not happy with myself how can i make someone else happy or be happy with them? Am i right in what i am saying? Should i still date or even get into a relationship just yet? You are already on the right track just by being aware of your own conflicts and acknowledging them. The next step would be to figure out what it is you need to do in order to reach the goal of feeling "happier". It's not an overnight process so patience and confidence is key. Emphasize the things you like about yourself, and make effort to better the things you don't like as much as possible. And don't date until you really feel comfortable with it (or shall I say, comfortable with yourself...) Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 "To receive much, you must give much". Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brady_to_Moss Posted December 20, 2008 Author Share Posted December 20, 2008 its just that every girl i have like i have always wanted to rush into it because i am obsessive and i am new to the whole GF thing. Becasue really i have only had one in my life 2 years ago and you know why it ended? Obsession with her. I just hate it. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 i have never really had another person or girl really care for me and i get down on myself sometimes. I know i shouldnt becasue i am still young (20). I thought you might say something like that and you know what? Having someone care for you does not make you a special person, or should I say just because no one has been deeply in love with you does not make you LESS of a person than those who have had that. Being loved romantically is NOT a reflection of how great you are as a person, there are liars, thiefs, manipulators even murderes all sorts of people who don't deserve love who have it and yet that does not change the rotten people they are at the core. Having someone romantically is no indication of you are as an indidual. But some of the character building activities I suggested up top are, those things can shape and mold who and what you are as a person. Life has a funny way of putting in our paths what is right for us when we go out there and search for the right path. But if you sit at home banging your head against the wall feeling crappy about yourself and how you are not worthy of much because you don't have a romantic partner, there is not much to discover about yourself that way. You will be inside your own head all the time feeding into all your negative thoughts and fears. Brady at 20 years of age, and don't take this the wrong way but MOST people have not had a significant relationship. You still have your entire life to be with someone who will care for you deeply and whom you will share deep reciprocal love. And even then trust me it is no bowl of cherries to be with someone in a committed rel either It's a lot of hard work and it is a constant learning experience to keep things moving forward and on the right track. Yes falling in love is wonderful and knowing that someone truly cares about you and whom you can care back for is an amazing feel, but it takes time to develop. its just that every girl i have like i have always wanted to rush into it because i am obsessive and i am new to the whole GF thing. Becasue really i have only had one in my life 2 years ago and you know why it ended? Obsession with her. I just hate it. Are you obsessive or are you just really excited by the prospect of falling in love and having a relationship with someone? Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 its just that every girl i have like i have always wanted to rush into it because i am obsessive and i am new to the whole GF thing. Becasue really i have only had one in my life 2 years ago and you know why it ended? Obsession with her. I just hate it. It might help to talk to a professional counselor or therapist....seriously. But you said yourself that you are not happy with yourself, so perhaps your "obsession" with women stems from being emotionally dependent on THEM to bring you the happiness that you seek. It's not fair to those you date to rely on them so heavily for that. This is not an unusual problem and there are ways to overcome it (hence talking with someone professional, again, to discuss your issues). But ultimately, the best and only way to improve in this area is to improve what's within yourself, and learn to be "happy" with yourself, learn to be happy with your life whether there's a girl in it or not. Do things that YOU enjoy doing, alone or with buddies, don't make any girl 1st priority in your life until you can do so without obsessing about her. In general just try your best to be a caring, all around good guy to everyone in your life; then you are MUCH more likely to be cared for in return, and not only by girls but by anyone. Be someone that your friends can count on as a shoulder or a helper. THAT is what your 1st priority should be, even when you DO have a girlfriend and beyond that. In other words, there is a SELFISH characteristic in the obsessive trait that you possess. So the less selfish you can be, the less likely you are to rely on someone else so much for happiness. Figure out how to turn selfishness into confidence instead. But again it won't happen overnight and don't get too frustrated with yourself. If you slip up, just get up and try again, over and over. You will never be happy in a relationship until all of the above is understood 1st. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 I have never really been comfortable with myself. I always find stuff wrong with me and worry about it. Now i know that one should be happy about theirself before being with someone and i think that i still need time to find myself i guess. If i am not happy with myself how can i make someone else happy or be happy with them? Am i right in what i am saying? Should i still date or even get into a relationship just yet? OP, I'll tell you a rule our psych uses for describing behavioral/emotional disorders. If my behavior and/or perspective interferes with the formation and maintenance of healthy relationships (not necessarily romantic ones), it bears scrutiny as an obstacle to a healthy life. Do you have good friendships? Healthy relationships with family members? Do you sincerely think something is "wrong" with you as a person? You say you find "things wrong with you". Describe that. Oh, remember, no texts and wait one day to call. I smack you Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brady_to_Moss Posted December 20, 2008 Author Share Posted December 20, 2008 OP, I'll tell you a rule our psych uses for describing behavioral/emotional disorders. If my behavior and/or perspective interferes with the formation and maintenance of healthy relationships (not necessarily romantic ones), it bears scrutiny as an obstacle to a healthy life. Do you have good friendships? Healthy relationships with family members? Do you sincerely think something is "wrong" with you as a person? You say you find "things wrong with you". Describe that. Oh, remember, no texts and wait one day to call. I smack you Haha. Oh ill remember! Yea my friendships are very good. I am friends with a lot of people and i am a pretty easy guy to get along with. My family life is great so its not that. I just feel like i really want a girl to be with and to have fun and to cuddle with and care about. Link to post Share on other sites
MN randomguy Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 HOw does it feel to be on anxiety medicine? I feel I'm in a similar situation. I don't want something to make me feel lethargic. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brady_to_Moss Posted December 20, 2008 Author Share Posted December 20, 2008 HOw does it feel to be on anxiety medicine? I feel I'm in a similar situation. I don't want something to make me feel lethargic. You cant even feel the medicine..it just feels diffrent in anxiety situations. I am on Lexapro 20mg a day. Works really good! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 You know you're in trouble when a full med load doesn't even affect you. That's when, IME, CBT helps. Anxiety is a box you can think yourself out of, IMO. OP, glad to hear you're getting a good result Link to post Share on other sites
kashmir Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 Lexapro made me **** all the time. It also made my nipples hurt when I exercised... erm, ANYWAY... Don't overthink the whole thing about having to be completely comfortable with yourself before you can be comfortable with someone else. Personally, I think the two are intertwined, and you can't grow on your own without growing with others, and vise versa. Do you really think every 20 year old out there who's in a relationship is completely confident? Hell no, very few are I'd say. As Shakespeare said, "All the world's a stage and all the men and women are merely players." Well, that's especially true for youth. Everyone has this mask of a tough and confident person, but behind that mask there's always a scared and insecure kid. You become an adult when you learn to take off that mask and just expose your true self to the world without caring what may happen. Some people come out to the world alone, but many do it with the aid and support of others. Take comfort in what you have and use it to your benefit. Realize that time is on your side. We're bombarded with ideas that we need to live a perfect youth because otherwise we'll regret it later in life, when all those ideas do is stress us out and cause us to worry too much when we're young and full of energy and potential. By seeing the big picture, and realizing that you have a long long life ahead of you and that you're NOT wasting your youth by not having a ton of girlfriends and buddies who think you're great, you'll be relaxed, patient, and just enjoy life. Link to post Share on other sites
KatieDove21 Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 I have never really been comfortable with myself. I always find stuff wrong with me and worry about it. Now i know that one should be happy about theirself before being with someone and i think that i still need time to find myself i guess. If i am not happy with myself how can i make someone else happy or be happy with them? Am i right in what i am saying? Should i still date or even get into a relationship just yet? I dont really know how to use this thing i am tryin t figure it out! i am wondering these same question about myself and also about my boyfriend. he does nothing wrong but i make nothing into something which shouldnt happen and i feel bad. i feel its because i am not happy with myself which i am not. i have a 2 years old and i am 22 years old. he is not the father but i love him a whole lot and i am always thinking is he goin to stay with me i have a kid. i think what if someone prettier comes across his way and she doesnt have a kid and has a great job and her head on right that he will leave me for her. i am so scared and i need to get my **** right and i need help. i am on meds for anti depressant. i dont take it all the time like i should. anyways i would like to know how to post questions and stuff would u mind helpin me out Link to post Share on other sites
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