I completely cut him off .. did I overeact?

[SDSJ]

Hey everyone ? Im so glad I found this site , it seems like I can find some support and maybe someone can shed some light on me .

To start my story , I met this guy online ( weridly he was on my facebook contacts ) and we talled for about 6 minths Long Distance relationship before I moved back home . He was the sweetest guy , always texting me , calling me , emailing me , offering his support , etc. We seemed to make a lot of plans together with me , he had planed to take me to his beach house during the spring and even offered me to take me for dinner during New Years eve at his parents ( I thought this a little to soon , but he insisted) . 1 month before I moved home he would anxiously post on his facebook how we was waiting for me and we planned 3 dates for after I aarrived back home after 6 months of being apart . We made it clear that we were not oficial but he always mentioned how he wanted me to be his and would always be sweet and charming when I was away.

When I got home , we have arranged out first date and planned 3 months prior, we were both really nervous but he always said how he wa anxiuoysly waitign for this date and 3 hours prior to out meeting he said to me I had his time , commitment and heart .

Moving on to our date , he showed up 30 minutes late , and when he finally showed up he very coldly called my name and was standing there with his hands in his pockets ( which never came out during all the date) and he didnt even gave me a hug or anything , very cold welcoming !! He kept walking and me next to him until we went for dinner and then , he was not cold but certainly he was not the person I anticipated and he didnt act overly excited or at least interested and glad that this date has finally come true. After the date he took me to his place and introduced me to a few of his frds that were over and we went to his room , where we of course kissed for the first time and made out , he did mention that he didnt wnat to take things further until expectations were met and he kept mentioning this several times.

Next day he called me and said we have clicked and he had fun going out with me , but he wnats to make sure there is a spark . Them he said he wasnt really sure he liked me and he had feelings but wasnt sure what his feelings were anymore and that it takes time to figure them out . Then he asked so do "you still wnat to hang out or whatever " but said " dont pressure me , Im not here to rush into things because I am very uncertain about everything "

I got so upset becuase all I could hear was all the sweet talking he had done for 6 months , all the plans and him telling he had all this planswith me long distance BUT now he is just unsure about everything so I completely cut him off and told him to just leave me alone , message to which he never replied , he just stopped texting and that was it .. itr has now been 4 weeks.

I understand we were in a "long distance and he didnt really know me yet and I wnated to hang out and see where things were going .. but the whole talk he did before and him making me feel like I wasnt that special anymore got me upset .

I really miss him though , we were good company and attahced to each other 24/7 and I was really interested in him and Im just tryign to understasnd what happened ...

Any opinions or insights are welcomed .. I just wnat to know what could be going through his head......

[Ronni_W]

What is going on is that you told him to leave you alone, and that is what he has been doing. Similar thing is likely going through his head -- he heard what you asked for, and decided to respect your request.

 

If you do want to get in touch with him again, it will be up to you. If you do choose that, you might also want to consider doing it with an appropriate touch of apology and humility, and a promise to work on your tendency to be impulsively hurtful.

[xpaperxcutx]

Cold behavior and uncertainty? How unusual. Not really when you just have to take to heart that he's " not that into you". His action proved more honest than the emails and messages you received. If his actions can't match his words, then you know he's lying through his teeth.

[xjadex]

I've been in same situation recently....only I had nearly a year of 'sweet talk' and 'promises' over the phone and with a guy I met online and long distance.

 

We met three weeks back for the very first time. He too didn't display the affection I'd thought he would. But he'd said he was nervous.

 

After the date, he called me next day and then I didnt hear from him for four days. I'd assumed no interest. Then he called, said how he'd liked me a lot, how I was different to what he'd been expecting, how I was better than he'd imagined I would be and he'd said he wanted to see me again....all of this followed up by numerous calls to me.

 

To cut a long story short, it didn't work out for us and I cut him off because he'd started frequenting the site I met him on again. Im not that 'needy' that I'd want a guy who prowled a site, looking for other women and had he been that into me, he wouldn't have felt the need to go back on this site...

 

They just wern't 'into' us and no, I don't think you over reacted by cutting him off!! Hon, if this guy was 'into you, he'd be moving mountains to be with you and he'd be calling and texting and following a second date through!!

 

Sometimes and when we meet someone online, things seem perfect....real life can be a very different story, as is what I have learned recently...

[Capricciosa]

I'd say the number 1 rule of online dating is not to carry on a virtual relationship for too long. Until you lay eyes on a person, you cannot know if there is chemistry or compatibility, and everything is based on imagination and fantasy. They guy (and you) had 6 months to imagine the perfect partner, invested emotions into each other, and it seems neither of you got what you were expecting in person. You did the right thing cutting him off. He acted like a jerk. At best, if you want to be sure, you could try a second date and see if anything is better now that the fantasy has been punctured and the real person has emerged. After 6 months, I would want to be sure. But deal with online dating in a more practical way from here on. Meet them first, then decide if you want to invest emotionally.

[SDSJ]

Thanks for your messages ! I did forget to mention that after 2 weeks and no word from him , I did decided to write him an email and explained to him he reason wh I overeacted , it was a very sincere , and humble email , some of my friends read it and they said it was very honest and touching .. at then end I even wished him the best .. it was a very polite email .. but of course he never replied ..............

I cut him and told him to "leave me alone " becuase I was very upset and he really made me feel like a stranger during our first date , I understand being nervous , becuase I was .. but being 30 minutes late and he didnt really apologized until I mentioned it to him .

It is very true that real life is a different story, you get to see reality ! but this guy , from the moment he showed up he seemed like he was attending a business meeting, from the very fisrt moment he showed up late , not even a hug or anything and I had to walk faster to cath up with his walk speed ..something went through his mind before the date I think .

[curiousnycgirl]

SDSJ -

 

You have encountered the biggest challenge inherent in meeting people through the internet. How they communicate and behave online, is often very different to how they are able to to communicate and behave in person.

 

This guy has clearly go social issues - and frankly he was both lying to you and probably deluding himself during the whole online courtship. The reality is that meeting online is ok - but you need to NOT draw it out too long online. A few quick emails and then it's time to meet in person. When our communications are all online we build the other person up in our minds to a level they often cannot meet.

 

I would suggest that the man you thought you knew online does not exist - the real guy is the rude socially inept guy you met on your date. Frankly I think you needed to cut him off - so well done! Don't beat yourself up here, just move on. Pursuing him is just a really bad idea, you've seen the real him, and frankly it's not attractive or even good.

 

BTW in the future NEVER go to a man's house or even have him to yours on the first date. It's really dangerous.

[SDSJ]

Hi again all!

The reason why we dragged it for too long , was that we were living too too far away from each other ( 6 hours plane flight ) and I had a planned trip to return back home in 6 months so we just started talking , I have to admit that I was very naive to this "online dating world " , even though I have always known that you need to see and meet a person (and even when you meet a person) you must be careful to believe words just like that . But im telling you that , even though I remember myself being cautious , he tried so hard to catch my attention and just tangled me with his sweet behaviour when I was away , and of course I followed through only expecting the best .

Its hard to accept the fact that somebody doesnt like you , but even though I accept it and take the hurt most of the times I got so upset because he actually made me clear my schedule for Dec 25th and he pressured me to book an early flight back home . What crushed my heart was his lack of interest and enthusiasm from the very first second.

My point is "he was so desperate to see me " and he was 30 minutes late and no apology .. I was too new to this and I was fooled , I certainly got hurt because I think that 6 months of talking had to mean something more than "keeping the distance on a first date" . Also , I wrote him a very polite email explaining why I told him not to contact me anymore ( I deserve someone that is sure wants to see me for a second time ) and wished him the best , I highlighted all the good things he did for me and thanked him for that , just to leave it on a good note ................... of course he hasnt replied in one month ! I certainly wasted my time .

[Vertex]

That tends to be the case with online relationships morphing into "real" ones. When things are conducted online, there's a lot of imagination involved to make up for factors you haven't experienced much (if at all) in person. Therefore, it's *really* easy to get carried away and fall hard because you're essentially falling for the hope of idealized factors which are technically still unknown.

 

As a result, odds are that someone you meet online will be a bit different in person in some regards, but that doesn't excuse his behavior at all, here.

 

I can understand being nervous at the first meeting -- lord knows I was -- but it seems like, to me, that this guy was just being rude. He didn't arrive on time (nor apologize for it), doesn't give you the courtesy of replying to your messages/emails, and does not seem to be very respectful.

 

For whatever reason, he's obviously not on the same page that you are, and so I think you made the right decision in moving on. Guy seems like a disrespectful, emotional flake, and you don't need that.

[xjadex]

He sounds a total jerk. Late for the date, then treat it like a business meeting? No affection?? Obviously he aint the guy you'd assumed he was and the guy he'd appeared to be online...

 

When you get to know someone online and then you meet for real...it's like they are two different people. Initially you got to know this person online and via phone....but when you meet for real, it's like you are meeting someone totally different to the person you'd come to know.

 

You must be really disappointed with what he turned out to be and especially when you had invested all that time in him.

[shockandawed]

I agree with everyone who is saying that this is just the latest example why you don't wait too long to meet in the real world.

 

I appreciate that your intentions were to just make a new friend near where you would be relocating in 6 months. But, his actions all along have been bizarre and should have sent all kinds of red flag warnings up to you. I think by your post they did.

 

When someone begins making future plans, referring to you as his, being overly romantic, etc prior to ever meeting, that has insecure freak written all over it. My guess is this guy had several people he was doing this to, hoping one would drop in.

 

I had a similar experience a few years ago on E Harmony. Actually, my first and LAST experience with E Harmony. Anyhow, they set me up with a wonderful girl who lived 5 hours away. I thought why not, at least have a new friend. We began the emails, which led to the all night phone calls, etc.. Within a week or two she is all over me, calling me her soulmate, how she has never clicked with someone like this, sending cards, etc..all of course without meeting. I decide to go and spend a weekend in her town to see what this was all about.

 

I stay at a hotel for the obvious reasons. The first date, she is all over me, wanting to make out, show me around town, introduce me to friends etc..the second and last night more of the same. While I did like her, I knew this wasn't going to work out and was somewhat spooked by her "quick and clingy" behavior. During the drive home that Sunday afternoon, I debated in my head what to do. While I did feel all that I had just said, it was nice to have someone so apparently ga-ga over me. I decided I would just ride it a little and see what developed. Well, I call her that night and she doesn't answer. No return call the next day. Finally, after about 3 days, I call her work number to make sure she is ok. She answered, I calmly said I was just calling to make sure she was ok, she said she was, I said great, take care and bye. To this day, I have no idea what happened to make the drastic 180 she did.

 

Hopefully you learned a couple of lessons, never invest yourself emotionally into anyone until you have a total picture of that person, which includes actual physical meetings. The other, don't ever put yourself alone with anyone you meet online the first night.

[SDSJ]

Reading at the last comment , yes I must admit that the thought of him talking to more than person was always there . I mean I was thousands miles away , and he always said that he was waiting for me and wasnt doing anything , that he was waiting for the right girl , he would do that one million times over for me , I always thought that was so fishie and when I asked questions and doubted , he would alwasy get a little defensive and say , " why you dont trust me , why are you always jumping to conclusions and would get upset at me " .......... RED FLAG once again.

I mean hopefully other people reading these posts , will learn valuable things out of this. People go great lenghts with words, but really only count the actions .. specially when it comes to "online dating " .

He always used to brag that he had a lot of women around him and interested in him and once he mentioned that women usually show him more interest than he does for them .... big flag again , so when he told me he wasnt sure he liked me anymore , I decided to cut him off because I didnt want to be in his list of "clingy women who is more interested in him than he is in me " .......I just wished I woulda cut him off earlier because I wasted my time.

[2sure]

He sounds like the kind of personality that develops from more time spend with on line relationships than real life. These people who play Second Life Games, also seem to develop this syndrome. Depending on his age, on line relationships may form the bulk of his experience. Even he may have been surprised his skill did not transfer to real life.

[xjadex]

Reading at the last comment , yes I must admit that the thought of him talking to more than person was always there . I mean I was thousands miles away , and he always said that he was waiting for me and wasnt doing anything , that he was waiting for the right girl , he would do that one million times over for me , I always thought that was so fishie and when I asked questions and doubted , he would alwasy get a little defensive and say , " why you dont trust me , why are you always jumping to conclusions and would get upset at me " .......... RED FLAG once again.

I mean hopefully other people reading these posts , will learn valuable things out of this. People go great lenghts with words, but really only count the actions .. specially when it comes to "online dating " .

He always used to brag that he had a lot of women around him and interested in him and once he mentioned that women usually show him more interest than he does for them .... big flag again , so when he told me he wasnt sure he liked me anymore , I decided to cut him off because I didnt want to be in his list of "clingy women who is more interested in him than he is in me " .......I just wished I woulda cut him off earlier because I wasted my time.

 

Kinda sounds like the man I was involved with. Mine would get defensive when I questioned him about things also, he'd also said he was hurt that I didn't trust him. But thinking about it, did we have any right to question them? They were only a voice at the other end of the phone...lol

 

Course they are talking to more than one person and are very likely sweet talking others, in same way they did us.

 

Have to say though, that my experience is not and was not as bad as yours. The guy in my situation was actually a gentleman and he was everything I'd been expecting. I'd spent four hours with him and he called afterwards numerous times and we'd arranged to meet again. He however, had returned to the site I met him on and I don't relish being one of many women he may be seeing. I prefer a man who likes to date, one woman at a time, because that is the way I am...I date 'one at a time'.

 

I have learned a lesson though and that is not to invest months in anyone ever again.

[SDSJ]

Kinda sounds like the man I was involved with. Mine would get defensive when I questioned him about things also, he'd also said he was hurt that I didn't trust him. But thinking about it, did we have any right to question them? They were only a voice at the other end of the phone...lol

 

Course they are talking to more than one person and are very likely sweet talking others, in same way they did us.

 

Have to say though, that my experience is not and was not as bad as yours. The guy in my situation was actually a gentleman and he was everything I'd been expecting. I'd spent four hours with him and he called afterwards numerous times and we'd arranged to meet again. He however, had returned to the site I met him on and I don't relish being one of many women he may be seeing. I prefer a man who likes to date, one woman at a time, because that is the way I am...I date 'one at a time'.

 

I have learned a lesson though and that is not to invest months in anyone ever again.

 

 

I can completely agree with you and all the previous posts . At least in the previous post he tried to see where it could go and showed more enthusiasm . My case left me a bit shattered because he made a 360 degree turn in less than hours , when he called me to talk about our meeting and when we met 3 hours later he showed up plainly cold and you could tell he was even avoding physical and eye contact.I mean Im not a bad looking person ( on the way a few guys looked at me and whistled , they made me feel more special than him lol ) he just kept walking of course . It turns out that a friend of mine had seem him at school around in the hallways and knows him by name , she told me he is not socially inept at all , he usually has a lot of charisma she said . Whatever happened to him to not even reply to my email .........