shippy Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 Looking at some gay porn after: years of being married, raising three children, hitting 40, and major medical issues, does not make him gay. Going out on you and having sex with men makes him a bisexual, or perhaps gay, cheater. He is having a mid life crisis. He feels his youth slipping away and he is wondering if he has missed some part of life. I bet there is a part of him that feels like a trapped animal, which of course, is in no way your fault. This is a natural thing for a man his age. I can imagine many more detrimental outlets for the emotional storm your husband is weathering right now than surfing for some strangeness on the interwebnets, can't you? I wouldn't call it healthy, but a marriage breaker? He needs understanding, just like you do. How would you feel if your best friend "lost respect" for you when you displayed erratic behavior during your big change? I don't think this post belongs in the infidelity forum. I think it belongs in the marriage forum, where you'll get some less paranoid responses to your specific issue. That is unless he has actually gone out there and had physical contact with another man or woman. It was wrong for your husband to lie to you about the porn. Obviously he is embarrassed. That being the case, the fact that he doesn't feel close enough to you his wife, to tell you the truth, and be totally open and honest with you about his state of mind and the emotions or desires he is having, is a big problem in your marriage. After all this time, and three children together, a long term commitment is going to hit some rough patches, sexually at the very least. If you love this man, and you care about the health of the family, get counseling from a professional. If that professional is worth their salt, they will create a comfortable caring environment where the two of you can communicate openly with each other. Get the open and loving truth from the source, your husband. If your looking for a way out, then be honest with yourself, and don't put it on what appears to be an isolated case of internet porn surfing. Finally, it is possible to have an open marriage. Maybe you both need some sexual variety, if that is what you both want. Maybe you could explore that together instead of apart? Find out through counseling.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 This is a natural thing for a man his age. Huh????? Looking at gay porn is a natural thing for a 40-year old married man? Couldn't disagree more. While it doesn't mean that he's about to start hanging out in bathhouses, it's still a red flag... Mr. Lucky
Author ResTechof3 Posted December 28, 2008 Author Posted December 28, 2008 The meeting with the other guy that I had found DID NOT take place. I found this out in the emails. The guy that H was to meet has not emailed him in over 2 months. The kids are old enough to tell me when something is not on the up and up. As a matter of fact my middle son would be the first to tell me if there was something that was not right. So that I am not worried about H having the kids with him. I have gotten a Hotel room for the next 2 days I have off. I want to get my marriage back on track and I LOVE my H dearly. It is time that we get back on the same emotional level and we connect again as a couple. I could us any and all tips on how to approach the topic. I have checked and there still has not been anymore sites that have been accessed, so I am quiet certain that it was a curiosity issue, but still going to have a talk about it.
luvstarved Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Maybe I am confused but if he has actually been with other men in the past (which itself is not unusual) AND is looking up gay porn, then it is NOT a curiosity issue. It is a rekindling of old desires. I have known LOTS of men who had one or a few gay encounters in their youth but been straight. Mostly this was "letting" a gay person have their way with them...this seems pretty common but just an opportunistic type of thing...actively looking into gay porn is a different thing...and most especially when your love life is already in the dumper. And yeah both the "planting" and the "not masturbating" are 99.99% certain lies, as previous poster said.
shippy Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Huh????? Looking at gay porn is a natural thing for a 40-year old married man? No, gay porn is not the norm, but mid life crisis is. I'd guess the porn is a symptom of his unhealthy mental state. Men, young and old, go through physical/mental changes and cycles that our society would do well to recognize. Pressure, long term stress, 40+ hours a week, family, money, confusion over their place in the world... all that takes a toll. But really, wtf do I know?
Mr. Lucky Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Maybe I am confused but if he has actually been with other men in the past (which itself is not unusual) Again, huh??? I don't think that any substantial percentage of straight men have "been with" other men. The OP's husbands interest in gay porn is not business as usual for a straight man in a long-term marriage... Mr. Lucky
LittleDove Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Why are you defending his acions??/ You asked...we answered. I hear alot of denial, but then, you went into this KNOWING he had been with men.... stop kidding yourself! hes watching gay porn....what else is going on..??? btw: im VERY glad to hear you have had health checks and are clear, please repeat in 3 months to be sure. I wish you all the best with your situation.
That Emotion Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 He's into guys. He's attracted to men. It doesn't mean he doesn't want you, he may or may not. But he is definitely attracted to men. He will have an extreeeeeemely hard time admitting this. If you want to save your marriage, you need to approach him with tenderness and love. Let him know that you love him no matter what and you understand and you won't judge him. He needs your help. This is something he is most likely deeply ashamed of. It's probably been a burden of his for a long time. Fessing up to it is an unbearable monster for him. Tell him that he could tell you anything and you'd stand by him. That there is no one he can trust more than you. He will open up. It may take a bit of time. But if you are steadfast in this method, showing him your love, he will open up. Then you can figure things out from there.
That Emotion Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Thanks shippy. It's the truth. A female friend of mine went through this very same thing. She was advised to handle it this way and it worked. It worked very well and it helped them work through the issue. If it is not handled, he will eventually act out on his fantasy. If it is handled the bottom line is that he'll be reminded of his commitment and then either choose to deal with it, with the support of his wife, or he'll end his marriage. Letting him get it out is the first step and it's really the only good way through this. Good luck ResT.
You'reasian Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 How do I handle finding gay porn that H has been looking up on the internet? . Laugh at him, taunt him and make jokes....jk. Just tell him you want that crap off the computer and to never have it there again.
vnqsh2001 Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 You just came right out and asked him whether he was gay? What kind of response did you expect? Did you honestly expect him to say, "Er, um, ahem .... why, yes I am. In fact, I am gay. What finally gave it away? My rainbow bumper sticker? My Judy Garland Collection? The pictures of naked men on my computer?" Not everyone is comfortable placing labels on themselves, especially ones that can carry serious social repercussions. Wouldn't it have been better to simply tell him, "Dear, this is a pretty gay thing to do. I think you may be having some issues with your sexuality. Perhaps you are just questioning your desires. I think you should give it some thought and talk to me about it when you feel you have some answers. I would like to know what is going on, so I hope we can have that discussion soon."? Well, that's just a suggestion, but I think almost anything would be better than simply asking him if he is gay. While directness and honesty are admirable qualities, they can also place others in uncomfortable situations which they would rather avoid at all costs. You might want to try a subtler approach to get the answers you want.
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